I can do this on my own :)

It feels good to be back and I head for the deli straight away as I'm dying to see his beautiful face. I find him with Chez, I feel happier at the sight of them together, it warms me a little and I want to hold them both close to me and never let go. These are the ones that matter to me and I have to stop leaving them behind. My hopes of feeling him close to me are dashed, it's clear that he has no intention of showing me any emotion whatsoever. Chez pulls me in to a loving embrace and hugs me tightly, I can always rely on her, at least she is happy I'm home. I wish he was though.

I thought he'd be pleased to see me, I should have known that he'd be sulking…he always sulks. Doesn't he get that I needed to get away from everything? Staying here was bringing out the worst in me, making me feel like I was losing control. I did what I thought was best, it wasn't about hurting him or punishing him, it was about taking the control back and I've done that now. I might not have bombarded him with texts and phone calls while I was away but I thought of him every minute. I had to clear my head, figure out all this mess and seeing my boys was an added bonus.

Before I left last week he said that he knew I didn't touch Kevin, he said he could tell by looking into my eyes, but now I'm back I can see the doubt written all over his face, he never could fool me. I really thought he meant what he said and although I can understand his doubts, it still hurts me deeply. He's with me in the club and all I wanna do is take him in my arms, I need that calmness that only he gives me, but I can see he's not going to calm me today.

I hate it when we don't get on when us being together was all I'd ever wanted. It wasn't supposed to be like this, we were supposed to be happy, but I can feel him slipping away from me now and the more I try and stop it the further he slips. I love him so much that it hurts me and I know that he feels the same, but sometimes love isn't enough…sometimes love tears you apart. I know he's too good for me and that's what scares me the most. He thinks I'm pushing him away and maybe I am, but it's better for me to push him away because one day he's gonna wake up and see that he can do better, that I'm not worth it and leave me anyway. Maybe i'm just testing him to see how much he really loves me.

The saddest thing of all is that I have tried to change, to be a better man and give him the future he deserves. I want that so badly, I really do, but even with all the changes I've made, even though I'm going straight now, it's still going wrong anyway. Maybe were just not meant to be, but then if I truly believed that, I'd have nothing left to fight for.

"Probably?"

Did he really just say probably?

"Ye know I can do this on my own Steven if there's even a seed of doubt in ye head."

Please tell me there's not...please.

"I love you Brendan."

But he still thinks 'm a monster.

"That's not what I asked though is it?"

Tell me i'm wrong.

"Why are you being paranoid now? Right you know what you need to stop pushing me out because it's working."

And there it is...he's walking away and i'm pushing him further and further. I'd rather be alone than have him by my side thinking I was guilty.

I can do this on my own.

Please review lovely people xx xx xx