1/29/10
Judgement
As the reassuring thudding of his heart was permanently silenced, the pain was all that resonated in the man's hyper-developed mind. Although he had known death was coming, the pain was so powerful, so all-consuming, that it pushed all other thoughts out of his mind. There was no way he could have effectively prepared himself. There were no thoughts of his family, his regrets, his dreams, the clichéd 'life flashing before your eyes' never occurred. There was only the horrible, agonizing pain- burning and ravishing the space that once contained a living, pumping muscle. As the man's dull eyes slipped closed for the final time, he welcomed death. It enveloped him, smothering the pain- and then... nothing.
A white abyss spread in all directions. The man couldn't see his surroundings, nor could he discern his location through smell, sound, taste, or touch. He merely sensed it. Sensed the endless white expanse of nothingness... is this death? He felt smothered by loneliness and isolation- even more so than during his life.
A voice echoed, "And so, even he who judges must be judged."
The man grimaced at the foreboding tone. He had never believed in God, but now that he was here, clearly dead yet in existence- he fully expected to go to heaven. All the criminals he stopped, the lives he must have saved... he was practically a saint.
"I presume this is merely a formality. I am justice. I belong in heaven."
"One is not judged by the sins he has committed, but by the goodness in his heart."
What!? Everything I had done- Everything I had sacrificed in my life would amount to nothing?
"How do you plan to evaluate my soul?" The man felt slightly uneasy, his trademark self assurance wavering. Although he had spent his life examining and passing judgement on others, he had never bothered to critically examine himself.
Was I good?... Yes. Yes of course I was. What I did with my life was truly holy. I must be going to heaven.
"I will ask you a series of questions. Don't lie, for I will know. This is merely an exercise. Meant for you to discover your true nature, and accept your fate."
The man struggled to restrain the anger that boiled furiously under his skin. How dare this voice speak to him in such a way! It made him feel out of control, inferior, powerless. He swallowed the sharp comment on his tongue and asked for the first question.
"It is clear that you are proud of the deeds you have done for what you view as justice. So why is it that you have chosen this path? What compelled you?"
The man thought for a moment, struggling to speak with truth, "I suppose... it was because I had to. The world was rotting. My intellect deemed me capable of saving the world."
"You claim you 'had' to. This is false, you were not forced. What is so appealing about saving the world?"
"Well... it gives me pleasure to condemn criminals. I know I've done the right thing because people appreciate what I've done. Even if I have enemies, many are eternally indebted to me."
"So you do what you deem to be right not because it is just, but for the approval of others."
It wasn't a question. The man sputtered. The way the voice put it- it made it seem like he was a criminal; motivated by selfish desires. It made him seem weak- so needy. And yet, he could not deny the statement.
"Next question," he grumbled.
"Very well. Your 'justice' is of high value to you. Is there anything you would place before it?"
"No," he answered proudly. Now it would be seen how good, how self sacrificing he was.
"So in order to condemn a criminal, you would sacrifice the life of an innocent?"
"I would," he answered begrudgingly. Again it was twisting his words- making him appear a murderer rather than a savior.
"Would you sacrifice anyone?"
"Yes."
"Even your loved ones?"
"Probably."
"You are uncertain. I require a definitive answer."
"I cannot surmise what I would do in such a scenario, for I... I have never loved anyone."
"I do not only mean love in the romantic sense. My question includes all types of love- towards family or those who are like family. Love towards those who love and care for you. And yes, these people do exist for you."
"I have never loved anyone," He repeated. "If I allowed myself to love, it would have hindered my ambitions."
"Love is a human emotion. All feel some degree of it."
"So perhaps I am more than human," he spoke defiantly.
"Or perhaps you are less."
The man was stunned to silence. He had gone from powerful and God-like to sub-human in minutes.
That can't be right!
He feverishly searched for a hole in the voice's logic, but there was none to be found. He wanted to argue, to explain that the voice was wrong.
"I am justice." He could think of nothing else to say.
"Perhaps. But if circumstances had allowed, you would have been Kira, L Lawliet, and for that- you are going to Hell."
And the fire engulfed him, scorching his already blackened soul.