This is yet another of our RPs thus far. We made some rules on this one. Together, we came up with TEN items that we had to include in this story. They are: cheese, snakes, tea party, fingernail polish, rubber ducky, rain, hair cut, blanky, lake swim, and butterscotch. And yes, we put all ten in. It was fun. And, being huge Stan/Kyle fans, this was a bit of a switch…but it worked out nicely. Read on to find out.
Questions In The Head
Chapter 1- How Do You Make A Bet With No Money?
"Dude, what's wrong with Sparky?" Kenny asked Stan as he held his own pooch in front of him. They were sitting side by side in the vet's waiting room, waiting for their dogs to get examined.
"He hurt his paw when we were walking." Stan explained. "Is yours okay?"
"Ah, he coughed up some more blood last night. I think he's about had it," Kenny mumbled sadly. "Why does Death insist on sticking around my house? He's starting to piss me off."
"That sucks dude." Stan pouted as well. "But hey, at least you know it's coming."
"Well, he ain't comin' for me. I don't do shit to cause it. I won't. I'm sick of it."
Stan nodded understandingly, feeling bad for Kenny and his pet. Figuring Kenny was just upset at the moment, Stan opted for a change in subjects.
"Did you hear about Kyle?"
Kenny's ears perked up. "Who is she this time?" he asked. He knew Stan HAD to be referring to Kyle's latest dating conquest. Ever since he turned sixteen, the boy's hormones suddenly went into overdrive and he was seen with a different girl 24/7.
"Wendy" Stan confirmed. "He's even trying to join one of the after-school clubs just to hang out with her."
At this statement, Kenny let out a soft chuckle. Kyle was indeed the smartest kid in their junior class, but he was also the stupidest kid in South Park. He was already insanely busy with his own clubs and community service projects and after-school tutoring sessions. "If he joins any more clubs, dude, we'll never see him," Kenny replied.
"I know right?" Stan agreed, flipping through some old magazine. "And in two weeks he'll just crush on some other chick."
"Yeah, but you know Kyle. Once he puts his mind to it, he won't stop until he's accomplished...whatever it is he's trying to accomplish," Kenny continued. "Besides, Wendy's like pretty much the perfect girl for him. They're both anal retentive suck ups." He smiled at Stan, and Stan returned his own grin.
Stan was happy to see Kenny smile. If only for that moment, his mind was taken off the impending fate of his dog. The boys gathered up their dogs and went their separate ways, with Stan hoping that Kenny would feel a bit better tomorrow about the whole "death" thing.
---
The next day at school, Kyle walked the hallways counting the numbers on the doors. He'd never been on the debate team before, but it seemed like the perfect club to join in order to get to Wendy. He'd get to see what she believed in right away, and they'd be forced to strike up conversation. Plus, Kyle was smart, and could hopefully wow her with his intellect on certain subject matter.
He stopped as he neared room 222. He lifted his hand to knock on the door, but he heard a booming female voice from within. He sighed dreamily as he listened to his newest crush articulate her disappointment on the latest issue of the team. He decided it was best to just walk in and take a seat toward the back of the classroom.
As he sat down, Kyle overheard bits and pieces of the topic being discussed. Something about wild salmon. He didn't care so much about that as he did about Wendy seemingly leading her side to victory. She was amazing. A good mind and a hot rack. That was a winning combination for Kyle.
"And we have to DESTROY any left-winged lunatic who is going to take them away from us! It's yet another animal that..." Kyle had tuned out of the cause and instead opted to stare with a goofy smile at the black-haired vixen. She tried hard to concentrate on the issue at hand, but she slowly succumbed to the trance of Kyle's emerald eyes. The harder she fought, the more determined he was to win her over.
Wendy cleared her throat and tried to focus once again. "They want to count the wild salmon along with the farm raised so they can claim it's no longer endangered. Well that's wrong! Statistics can be twisted around, but facts can't and facts say those animals need to be preserved! Thank you."
She smiled sweetly and stepped down. Some people applauded. Kyle made sure to clap a bit louder for her.
In fact, Kyle made sure to give Wendy a standing ovation. One that would earn him a talk with the debate captain after the meeting.
The other side got up to counter the argument. The leader said something about progress, but who really gave a shit what he had to say? Kyle certainly didn't. His focus remained on Wendy as she left the podium, wondering where she might go next. He hoped he'd caught her attention. He was pretty sure he did. But was it in a good way or a bad way? Only time would tell, it seemed.
"And that is why wild salmon are tasty and we should just eat our way to victory! Thank you," the other debate captain concluded, eyeing Wendy and her cold stare. She was repulsed by his awful rebuttal, and even more repulsed that she didn't have a chance to respond, for the time was up. She watched everyone file out of the room excitedly, leaving only one boy behind.
"You did really well." Kyle commented.
Wendy couldn't contain herself. She was seeing red and was in no mood to talk sweetly to her ex-boyfriend's best friend. That's what Kyle was. Why was he in here anyway? "I'll do even better when that clod-hopper team captain of theirs doesn't speak," she grumbled. Her frustrations were apparent, and Kyle took this as an opportunity to slide in the seat next to her.
"Well, I just hope I'm on -your- team a lot." he complimented, trying to melt away her anger. Or at least redirect her focus. "I'm in the class now."
"Kyle, you can't just up and join the debate club. We've got history, research...cases. You're just trying to put something else on your college apps," Wendy pointed out sweetly. She narrowed her eyes. "And if that's the case, you won't take it seriously. I don't want some slacker on my team."
Kyle didn't say anything, but he felt himself fall harder for her than ever before. She was playing hard to get."I'm hardly a slacker," he argued. He wasn't offended by the remark. In fact he had a smile on his face as he spoke. She was talking to him, and showing her intelligence all at the same time. "I can get caught up on this stuff. You know I'd be good for the team."
"We'd be good together," he added quickly, before she had time reconsider.
Wendy sighed. "I don't know Kyle. We're really pretty full here. With all your other classes, I don't know how reliable you'd be."
Kyle felt himself losing patience. Why wasn't she molding into his hands like putty? "I'm an excellent asset in any situation, Wendy, I assure you," he said, laying it on thick. He had practiced his interview speeches since he was old enough to shake hands and kiss ass.
"Kyle, you can't expect to wow me with your kiss-ass interview speeches," Wendy counteracted. She saw right through him. "This isn't some after-school fun hour. We work HARD!"
Slightly embarrassed by the girl's remark coinciding with his own perverse thoughts, Kyle's eyes finally left Wendy's. "I-I can work hard," he weakly protested as he looked to the floor. "Come on, just gimme a chance."
Wendy smirked. "You sound so pathetic. Come on Kyle, I'm fucking with you! If these are your debating skills, you really WILL need to prove yourself."
That little tease! First she mentioned things being hard, and then she claimed she was 'fucking' with him. She was throwing him off and then calling him on it. Probably on purpose. God, she really WAS a genius. He really did hope he was on her side more often than not. For now though, he had to focus if he had any shot of gaining her approval.
"Why don't you want me in the club?" he questioned. "Is it really because the club is full? Because last I checked, anyone was free to express an opinion. Or, maybe it's the whole Jewish thing. What do you have against my people?" he grilled her.
"Better," she said, grinning. "Its good to get worked up, but don't let my blatant statements piss you off too much. Then you'll lose sight of what you're fighting for. And you'll start making ridiculous accusations. Like claiming your Jewish ancestry makes me want to talk to you less." She paused and put a hand on Kyle's knee. "Go with your gut, Kyle. Fight for what you believe."
He gulped, noting the placement of her hand. With growing determination, among other things, he looked her back in the eyes and placed his hand overtop of hers, his palm starting to sweat with nerves.
"Wendy, I want in this club." he insisted. "...Really badly." he added.
The way he looked at her gave her an idea that he wasn't just talking about the club. She withdrew her hand and stood up. "Well then, we'll see you every Monday and Wednesday then." She walked to the door and turned back. "I just hope you can keep up, Kyle," she said. She winked at him and left the room.
Kyle's spine tingled at the wink of her eye. Trying desperately to play it cool, he smiled back at her. "Oh, I can." he assured her with certainty. "Looking forward to it."
Truer words were never spoken.
---
Lunch period the next day was a time of celebration for both Stan and Kyle. Stan's dog was on the road to recovery, and Kyle had gotten his way with Wendy the day before. If all went well on the debate team, he'd soon have his way with her again.
"Dudes, you'll never guess what I did yesterday," Kyle said, eager to share with his friends his news. Little did he know, they already knew.
"South Park isn't that big of a town, Kyle," Stan replied. "We hear about shit before it's even happened."
"Yeah." Kenny agreed. "You got into Wendy's club. So?"
Kyle rolled his eyes.
"Ky, we both know you're gonna hook up with her and then dump her. Why sign your life away to yet ANOTHER after-school club? You can just...hit on her at a party and get in her pants that way," Kenny continued.
"Wendy doesn't usually do parties." Kyle reminded them. "And neither do I."
"Only because you're both too busy." Stan figured.
"And what makes you so sure I'm gonna dump her?" he challenged.
"Because it's what you do, dude." Stan said. 'You get a girl-either in bed or in a relationship-then you get bored and move on."
Kyle shrugged his shoulders. "They haven't been good for me." He leaned over the table. "But guys, its cause I've been going about it all wrong. I need an intellectual equal!"
Stan rolled his eyes. "Right."
Kyle's eyebrows furrowed. "Are you calling me a liar, asshole?"
Kenny laughed, mocking Kyle. "Of course not, Wendy's brain's fucking hot."
Kyle growled at his friends. Just as soon as he felt himself get angry, he felt Wendy's words of "just go with your gut", and he cooled himself off. He went to picking at his plate. "Just because the smartest girl in school happens to be insanely hot doesn't mean I'm not looking at her brain."
"Just try to leave her in two weeks." Kenny asked. "We have money on it."
"We do?" Stan asked, unaware of the conditions. Kenny elbowed him in the ribs, and he yelped. "Oh...yeah! WE DO!"
Kyle stared at his two best friends, putting up a defense on the other side of the table. "Whatever, dudes. I'll have a girlfriend AND be rich. Thanks for your faith in me," he said, standing up and leaving their table area.
Stan looked to Kenny in guidance. "What money?"
Kenny shrugged. "Whatever you have. It'll make it interesting."
"I don't have money. I'm planning on using it all on a hair cut tonight," Stan explained.
"You're spending all your money on a haircut?" Kenny blinked. "You need to make more money then."
"Tell my boss that." Stan grumbled as he ate his lunch.
"Meh, it's just as well. I'd probably win and then die the next day or some shit."
"Ken, you haven't died in like...two months. Maybe its over, you know?"
Kenny laughed satanically. "Yeah. Sure." Suddenly, he got a bright idea in the back of his head. "HEY! Why don't I give you a haircut? We can make this bet for real, and, I can have an excuse to stay out of my house. Damn Death won't have a fucking clue where I'm at."
"You?" Stan raised an eyebrow. "But dude, you don't know how."
"My mom cuts my hair sometimes to save us money." Kenny informed him. "There's nothing to it."
Stan eyed his friend suspiciously. He was a guy, so he wasn't supposed to give a shit how his hair looked. Secretly, he was concerned about every strand. If one was out of place, he doused it with water and products until it would be in the right place. He didn't tell his way macho friends that. Plus, he didn't want Kenny to feel as though he WANTED him to die. "Uh...dude, I don't know."
"Ah come on." Kenny smiled at him. "Tell you what: Lemme cut your hair, and I'll go double or nothing on the Kyle bet."
"I only have seven dollars, Kenny."
"That's a lot of money to me." Ken said.
Stan laughed. "Alright, dude. If it means THAT much to you, I'll do it." He smiled warmly at his beaming friend. Kenny was lit up like a Christmas tree. You would've thought he just received the best news of his life.
---
Stan sat nervously on a chair in the middle of his kitchen floor. Kenny had just come from upstairs with a towel in tow. "Alright, dude, where's your scissors?"
"Over there." Stan pointed to a drawer. "Are you SURE you know what you're doing?" Stan asked nervously.
Kenny stood up proudly and put his fingers in a sign in front of him. "Scouts honor."
Stan eyed him irritably. "You weren't IN scouts, Kenny."
Kenny shrugged. "Well, I've been camping before."
"You were homeless."
"Same thing." he said as he got behind Stan and started running his fingers through the boy's black hair."You know, Stan, you have awesome hair. Why do you style it so much?" Kenny said, assuming hair-dressing mode. He laughed as he saw Stan's terrified expression. He decided to fake him out and made a snipping noise with the scissors. "Uh...oops..."
"What'd you do!" Stan demanded to know, his voice cracking.
"Nothing!" he promised. "I'm fuckin' with you. Heh-heh."
Stan growled. "Dammit Kenny, don't do that!"
"You gotta relax dude. Or else you'll flinch and I WILL fuck up. Chill."
"I'll CHILL when you stop fuckin' with me," Stan sneered.
Kenny grinned. He had a dirty thought, but soon let it pass. "Alright, do you want anything special, or just a trim?" At the time, he was pulling his hands through, adding up the ends to ends, as if he actually DID know what he was doing. Stan relaxed a bit.
"I don't know." Stan admitted. He actually did know, but he still didn't trust Kenny completely with those scissors. The less time Kenny spent cutting his hair, the better. Unless of course Ken DID know what he was doing, but Stanley wasn't about to take that chance.
"Trim's fine." he finally answered.
Kenny nodded and with that, he went to work. Stan cringed each time Kenny snipped off more than he had expected, but much to his surprise, Kenny was extremely professional throughout. He barely answered Stan's anxious questions because he was concentrating. He wanted Stan's hair to look good. Stan looked good, so why would he wish for anything else?
Kenny cut a big more off. Wanting Stan to feel at ease, and wanting to calm himself down a bit, Kenny began posing questions to Stan like a true hair cutter would.
"So, how long for Kyle and Wendy?" he said, wanting to get the bet issue settled.
Stan shrugged, still suspicious of Kenny and his scissors. "Probably over before he gets to her. She's not like the others, dude," Stan noted.
"I agree, but I need a time frame." he urged. "A week? A month? What do you think?"
"I dunno. Let's say...three weeks. Three weeks, and Kyle will be eyeballing Bebe or some slut. Wendy won't put out. I know it."
Kenny snipped a bit more. "What will she do?" he asked casually.
Stan blinked. "...What?"
"She doesn't have to put out if she'll do other stuff. And if she does, he can put up with it longer than three weeks."
Stan made a disgusting face. "Ugh, I don't know, dude! I don't want to think about Kyle and Wendy."
Kenny sighed and paused his progress to look into Stan's eyes. "If you're saying that cause you're not over her, then you've got serious issues dude."
"Its not that!" Stan said immediately. "Its just...I'm SO over her, it grosses me out to think about being with...her," he reasoned.
Kenny smiled. "Well, you're not pissed at Kyle for going for her. That's a start I guess."
"I'm not, no," Stan assured uncertainly. "Its just weird."
Kenny sighed. "Stan, very few people end up with their first loves. The ones that do eventually wonder what else is out there and end up screwing around. Think about that, and consider yourself lucky that you got out when you did...Oh, and we're done." he announced.
"...W-we are?" Stan questioned.
"Mm-hmm." Ken announced proudly. "Look." he said, offering Stan a mirror from the wall to glance inStan slowly opened one eye, looking into the mirror. A breath of relief escaped his mouth. He opened the other eye to make sure the first wasn't lying to him. He stared at himself in the mirror, finding that Kenny hadn't done such a horrible job after all. He didn't even give him some kind of ugly mullet.
"Shit Kenny, you're not so bad," he said, slapping the blonde on the back and getting up to further inspect.
Kenny smirked. "Told you so." Another perverted thought entered the blonde's mind. He tried to remember if anyone else had told him he wasn't so bad after all in the bedroom.
Stan reached over and embraced him in a manly don't-touch-just-barely-show-affection hug, interrupting his thoughts. "I think I actually like it better than the stylists at the salon, Ken!" Stan squealed. He was emitting his girly side, but he was so relieved Kenny hadn't blotched up."...The salon, huh?" Kenny giggled.
Stan froze. Shit! Had he just said that?
"No wonder your haircuts cost so much." Kenny figured, not mocking him much at all.
"I mean...uh...the...well, the place I get my hair done. I mean CUT! Yeah," Stan stammered, and felt his face go red with embarrassment. "So are you hungry for some food, Kenny?" he asked, directing his friend's attention away from his embarrassment. When food was involved, Kenny was always focused.
"Sure." Kenny agreed. "...Did you bake it yourself?"
"Shut up!" Stan pouted.
It was now Kenny's turn to slap Stan's back. "Let's eat." he agreed.