By Yasha-hime
I'm torn between
the two of them. It gives me nightmares when I sleep, and it torments me when
I'm awake. I'm torn between them, and I absolutely should not be.
I love Yoh. There's
no question of that. I've loved him since we were ten years old. And not only
do I love him, I believe in him...even if he has given up the right to participate
in the Shaman Fight. Not that it hasn't been fixed from the start.
But Hao...I like
him, too.
No. No, I don't
like him. I don't like him at all. I hate him for so many reasons...but...
The truth is, I
find him attractive. Not only because he looks so much like Yoh--that I could
handle. If it was just his looks, well, that's nothing. Ren and Horohoro aren't
bad-looking either, after all, and it doesn't bother me to acknowledge that
about them. (Not that I'd ever admit it out loud, of course. The male vanity
would make me puke.)
Hao...I've known
from the moment I met him--no, from the moment I read the Chou Seji Ryakketsu--that
he was someone whom I could understand, and who could understand me, in ways
Yoh just can't. Oh, Yoh understands me very well, in some ways better than
I understand myself...but Yoh doesn't understand the pain I feel because he
doesn't understand pain.
Well, he's starting
to, I think. He's no longer entirely rational about Hao. Not that I blame
him, not after everything Hao has done to torment him. And that's another reason
to hate Hao. Yoh shouldn't feel pain this way. What's been special about him
all along is that pain has no meaning to him.
That's why I can't
tell Yoh about this. Not ever. It's bad enough that Hao hurts him...I can't
add to that by telling him I feel attracted to Hao. If 'attracted' is the right
word; sometimes I feel the pull so strongly it makes me want to curl up in a
ball and cry like I haven't since--
I can't hurt Yoh.
I love him. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him, no matter what it costs
me. I've driven him mercilessly to become stronger because he wouldn't do it
on his own, and I've watched him march into Yomi's Hole to endure a little death.
It left scars on what's left of my soul to do both. I can survive the scars
of keeping this secret from him, too.
I'm just afraid
of what might happen if someday I tear in two...
- Y.