The song you should listen while reading this is called Falling by The Civil Wars. They are amazing seriously listen to them. I had included the lyrics but fanfiction has a rule against it or something. Anyway hope you like it!
Lily had it all. She was gorgeous, smart, and witty, had great friends, everyone loved her and she had an amazing boyfriend. Only, Lily didn't care.
She was drowning. She wasn't happy.
Rowan, her Ravenclaw boyfriend of six months was everything she thought she wanted in a man. He was gorgeous, smart, funny, a gentleman, and had his priorities straight. In the beginning she was ecstatic. She was in her last year at Hogwarts, she was Head Girl, and she had actually started to loosen up and enjoy herself. Especially, since she had befriended the Marauders last year after Potter had stopped being such a prick. She and James had actually established a great friendship that year and she couldn't imagine her life without the crazy boys anymore.
She was happy then.
So when Rowan asked her out towards the end of term she happily accepted, although in the back of her mind she felt as if she shouldn't have. They dated all through summer and by the time they were back at Hogwarts she fancied herself in love with him. However, as the months passed, things started to change. Rowan was spending more and more time in the library preparing for N.E.W.T.S and she was feeling a little neglected. She appreciated that he cared about school but he was her boyfriend for Godric's sake and she rarely saw him. She tried to study with him but he would smile and say "Lily, I'd love to but I wouldn't be able to concentrate with you there. I would just want to kiss you the whole time." He would give her a kiss on the cheek and leave her there watching as he left again and again.
She started spending more and more time with the Marauders. They made her forget. She would laugh until she had tears streaming down her face with Sirius, she would study or play chess with Remus, and with James….oh with James she felt like she could be completely herself and they would discuss everything and nothing. He was different but still very much the James Potter she had known for seven years. He didn't ask her out every chance he got, he was taking his studies seriously and he was actually made Head Boy. Because of this she spent more and more time getting to know him and one day she realized she was completely wrong about Potter. She had decided to tell him this a few months ago when she realized how particularly horrible she had been to him.
-Flashback-
She had been sitting by the lake trying to get the nerve to just go and apologize, but years of anger and fighting kept her pride up high. She had just heaved a heavy sigh and said "Fuck it" and got up to go find him, when she turned around he was already there. She gasped in surprise and put a hand over her heart.
"Jesus, Potter, you almost gave me a heart attack!"
He smirked and said "Sorry, Evans, but in my defense I have been calling your name the whole time I've been making my way towards you. What were you thinking about that you didn't hear me?" He had seen how serious and pensive she had been and wanted to make sure she was alright.
She looked at James, blushed a little when he raised an eyebrow at her, and murmured "Nothing."
He snorted, unconvinced, and said "Well you chose to use a certain vulgar expletive, which Padfoot would be very proud to hear by the way, and got up with what looked to me like determination. Now what were you going to do?"
"You know you're pretty nosy, Potter." She teased.
He looked at her seriously and said "No, just a little worried. You didn't look so happy about whatever you were thinking or wanted to do. So, I wanted to make sure you were ok."
Lily just stared at James wondering where this man had come from. She wouldn't admit it, but she secretly hated how more serious James had been. She never realized how much she missed his stupid jokes. She firmed her resolve and said,
"Potter…James (which he secretly fist-pumped at in his mind) I'm sorry." Lily looked down at the ground after saying this.
He got a confused look on his face and said "Sorry? For what?"
Lily sighed and looked back at him with such a wounded faced James wanted to just hug her.
"I've been such a horrendous bitch to you. Getting to know you this year has really opened up my eyes and you're such an amazing person and I am so sorry for everything I've ever said to you." She bit her lip expecting him to rightfully say it was too late to apologize.
James reached towards her and put his hand on her shoulders, making sure she was looking at him.
"Lily, (which her stomach flip-flopped hearing him say her first name for some reason) I deserved everything you have ever said or done to me. I was an immature little prat, who thought he could do anything. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have grown up and realized what's important. Thank you for apologizing, though, because SOMETIMES you were wrong, (he smirked as she rolled her eyes) but I also have to apologize for being a prick."
She smiled and said "What have you done with James Potter?"
He smiled back at her and couldn't stop himself from pulling her into a hug. "I can't believe this is what you were worried about, dummy."
She pulled away and said "Hey, it took me a lot to apologize to you don't make me regret it." She smiled as she tussled his hair. He looked at her and opened his mouth to say something when they heard Rowan's voice.
"Lily! I have a free period want to go for a walk?" He asked smiling as he came up beside them and put an arm around Lily. "Hey, Potter" he said as James just nodded in acknowledgment. Lily beamed at Rowan and said "Thanks again, James. I'll see you later okay?" She left not awaiting a response from the boy whose heart was slowly breaking as he watched them walk away.
-End of flashback-
After that day, Lily and James got even closer. It hurt James knowing how close they had become but unable to be with her. He swore to himself he wouldn't ruin their friendship and would rather be Lily's close friend than nothing at all. He hated seeing her with Rowan but if the bloke made her happy, he would accept him. Thank Godric he didn't hang out with them though, he wasn't really sure how much of him he could take. But soon, Lily began to worry him. He would see her and Rowan walking hand in hand and she looked like she was in another world, like she was sleepwalking. But eventually, he just tried to ignore watching them together.
When Rowan would talk to her she would give him a small smile, respond what he wanted, and go back to just…drifting. She wanted him to notice that something was wrong with her. She knew something was wrong with her but she couldn't pinpoint it exactly. She just knew she wasn't happy anymore. All she did was pretend. He was her boyfriend; shouldn't he ask her what's wrong? Shouldn't he convince her it was nothing, everything was fine? It's what she wanted him to do. It's what she needed him to do. But, she soon realized, Rowan was oblivious to her feelings. How couldn't he be? He was never around anymore. And on top of that James had started dating Sarah Potnick, a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, Sixth Year Hufflepuff.
Lily spent more and more time alone in the common room looking out the window. Sometimes she would stay there late into the night or early into the morning before heading back to the Head Dorms. James would bring Sarah there since it was pretty private and she didn't want to run into them snogging on the couch. The first time she had walked in on them she had felt the breath leave her lungs. She hurriedly walked to her bedroom, unnoticed by the couple. After that night she spent most of her nights asking herself why that sight hurt her. James was her friend. Surely, she was just worried the slut would interrupt their friendship? Wait…the slut? What is going on with me? Lily thought as she realized how much animosity she had towards Sarah the Slut. She snickered thinking that was an appropriate name. Sarah was not innocent by any means. Maybe that's why, she thought to herself, because James could get a disease or something from her. She ignored how queasy she felt after thinking about how he would acquire said diseases.
As the months went on, James actually started spending more time away from her and the Marauders. The boys were not happy about that.
"What the hell! He cancelled again. I'm getting real tired of his shit." Sirius said angrily as he showed them the note James had left saying he couldn't hang out that night because he was going to be in the Hufflepuff common room. Everyone looked at each other, knowing if Sirius was angry then things were getting bad. Lily just stared at the open book in her lap not even trying to pretend she was reading. Remus had noticed she had been more withdrawn than usual and as Sirius stormed up into their room with Peter following, he sat next to Lily. He stared at her since she hadn't acknowledged his presence and noticed a tear fall from her eyes. "Lily?" He said softly.
She jumped and shook herself out of her thoughts, trying discreetly to wipe the tear (and failing miserably) "Yes, Remus?"
He looked at her and said "You haven't spent a lot of time with Rowan lately. Is everything okay with you two?" He noticed her flinch a little at Rowan's name.
She plastered a fake smile and said "Of course, Remus. We're just busy studying for the exams and doing homework, plus I have a bunch of Head Duties so we see each other when we can."
"Head Duties? Isn't James helping you?" Remus said growing a little angry thinking now James was even ignoring Lily and his responsibilities.
Lily looked away and said "Yea he helps when he can, but he's way busier than me with Quidditch and Sarah and whatnot so I just do what he forgets." Remus narrowed his eyes and decided he was going to have a lot of things to say to James when he saw him. First his friends, now his Head Duties? He knew Sarah wasn't worth all of that and that James still loved Lily, so what the hell was he playing at? He looked at Lily's sad face and said "Lily? Is everything alright?"
She turned to look at him with a sad smile and said "I'm fine, Remus. Don't worry about me." She patted his hand and rushed out of the common room. He watched her leave with a worried look on his face and was about to follow her when James came into the common room.
"Hey Moony, I just saw Lily leave and she ignored me calling her name, is everything okay?" Remus narrowed his eyes and got up.
"Is everything okay? No, James, it's not! What do you think you are doing? Neglecting your friends and cancelling on us all the time, all for some girl who isn't worth a dime!?"
James was speechless. He had never seen Remus so angry and he actually insulted a girl. Sirius had heard Remus and came down to put in his two cents.
"Yea, James, since when do you cancel on your friends for the school slut?" He said crossing his arms, staring at his best friend. James knew he meant business because he never called him "James."
"You guys are overreacting! I'm sorry I haven't been able to spend as much time with you, but I'm with Sarah (don't call her a slut, Padfoot) so we hang out a lot plus I have Head Duties…"
Both boys narrowed as he said those words and Remus said "Oh Head Duties? Funny because I was just talking to Lily and it seems like she's covering for your slack there too! I thought you wanted to grow up, James. I thought you wanted Lily to realize how mature you are? Making her do all the work really doesn't help."
James lost his cool and said "I gave up on Lily! She is with Rowan, not me. So now I am with Sarah, forgetting about Lily. I'm done with you guys trying to make me feel bad about this. I already apologized." He said angrily as he left out of the common room. Remus and Sirius watched him go then Sirius said "What's wrong with Lily?"
Remus looked at him in shock. Sirius smiled a bit and said "What? You think you're the only one who noticed how she's been? Something's wrong with her." He said worriedly since Lily had become like a sister to him.
Remus sighed and said "I don't know, Padfoot. Sometimes I come down in the middle of the night and she's just staring out the window, with tears down her face and her hands clenched. She's so separated from the world she never hears me, so I just leave her alone. I thought she'd come to us eventually but…" he trailed off as both boys lose themselves in thought and go up to the dorms.
After all the late night thinking, Lily had finally realized why she was unhappy and felt like something was missing within her. She didn't love Rowan anymore, if she ever did. She couldn't take the loneliness anymore and the way he only wanted her when he had time. But he was never anything but wonderful to her, and always apologized for rarely seeing each other because of him. She couldn't help but wish he would just break up with her like the coward she was. She didn't know how she was going to tell him she didn't care about him anymore. It had been a long time coming, but she finally had realized why she felt so empty.
She didn't want to hurt anyone. Not Rowan, not James, not herself. It had taken her a while but she had finally understood that she was in love with James.
And it was too late. She couldn't even pretend to be his friend because he was never around either. She had lost two important people.
Lily was depressed.
She kept her epiphany to herself. What was the point? James was happy with Sarah. She wouldn't ruin his happiness after everything she put him through. She thought how ironic it was it took her this long and now it was too late. So she became even more withdrawn, especially after she had broken up with Rowan. She could at least have control over that.
Lily watched as Rowan's face gave way to shock. "But…but Lily…" he sputtered. "I'm so sorry, please. I swear I'll make more time for us. We're great together! I've just been really bombarded with everything and the pressure from my dad and—
"Rowan," Lily interrupted softly "don't make me lie and say we were great together. I never saw you and when I did you just talked about school and your father!" She felt herself die a little seeing the hurt on his face and hearing his broken voice say "It's James, isn't it?"
She looked at him in shock and said "What makes you say that?"
He smiled a little and said "You don't look at him anymore."
Lily stared at him surprised he had noticed her avoiding James "Honestly, he has a little to do with it, but this is about us, and about how I haven't felt the same with you in months." She teared up thinking about how they used to be.
He stroked her cheek and looked into her eyes and said "I know" softly. "I noticed you were distancing yourself but I thought I could bring you back after exams. I'm an idiot" He chuckled softly.
"I'm sorry, Rowan. I tried, I really did. But it isn't fair to either of us and I have to let you go." She started crying and he went and hugged her. They both took what they needed from that hug. After some time they separated. Rowan smiled sadly at her and said "Thank you, for caring about me enough to stay with me longer than you should have, and for letting me go now. I love you, Lily but I'd rather have you because you want to, tell James he's a lucky guy." He kissed her forehead and walked quickly away from the best thing he messed up. Lily though about James and sadly walked towards the common room. There she received a letter from her owl that destroyed whatever sanity she had left.
Lily spent most of her time after that day just going through the motions of each day. Studying, doing homework, and eating because that was expected of her. But she could care less. Remus and Sirius tried to spend more time with her but she would make an excuse and leave them to go off somewhere. They finally had enough of her evading them after they had noticed she stopped eating and looked like she hadn't slept in weeks. So, they cornered her one night while she was in the hallway.
"What is wrong with you, dearest?" Sirius said as he looked at her empty eyes, once filled with life.
"Nothing is wrong, Sirius" She responded automatically. He growled and picked her up bridal style. She didn't even protest. They took her to her Head Dorm, knowing they would have privacy there. They figured James would be somewhere with Sarah so they were all surprised when he was sitting there staring at the fire. He looked up when they came in and his heart constricted looking at Lily. "Is she okay?" he said scared as he got up.
"It's none of your business, James, do you mind giving us some privacy?" Remus said coldly.
"I'm Head Boy, this is my dorm room!"
"I don't give a shit if you built Hogwarts brick by brick, get out!" Sirius said angry because he had felt Lily start to tremble hearing James' voice.
"No" James said stubbornly
Sirius placed Lily carefully on the couch and whipped his wand out at James. "I'm serious. Get out, before I throw you out." James kept looking at his once two best friends in shock.
"Why can't I stay?" James said defeated, glancing at Lily, motionless on the couch.
"Because in case you haven't noticed, James, Lily has been a fucking zombie for months. You obviously don't care about her anymore but we do. We're here to find out what's wrong with her. Now please leave, unless you have something to say?" Remus said as he raised an eyebrow at the idiot in front of him
James looked at all of them and finally realized what an ass he has been to everyone, all because he couldn't keep his emotions from controlling him. He choked out an "I'm sorry" while looking at all of them and walked out. Sirius and Remus looked at each other but decided one broken person at a time.
"Lily, please talk to us. What's wrong? You're scaring us." Remus said as he and Sirius sat on the table looking into Lily's face. Lily just stared at them. Sirius began shaking her "Lily! Please!" She just kept staring at them. They began to tear up seeing their precious Lily so…dead. Then Remus smacked her. "What the fuck, Remus?" Sirius yelled at him seeing the red mark on Lily's face, yet she still did nothing.
"Sirius, go get James." Remus looked really scared.
"No" Sirius said refusing to bring that idiot into this.
"He's the only one who can help her!" Remus said putting Lily's hair behind her ears "Lily, please talk to us." No response
Sirius looked at Remus, then at Lily and got up to go search for James. He knew where he would be. As he made his way to the Quidditch pitch, he saw James just sitting on the grass in the middle of the field. He stopped once he was behind him.
"I've been the worst person in the world haven't I, Padfoot?" James asked knowing the only person who would know where he was, was him.
"I bloody reckon so." Sirius said not letting his friend get off easy on this one.
"I didn't mean to push you all away. I just knew Lily would be with you guys, and then Sarah kept complaining so I stayed with her to shut her up and avoid Lily." James said with his hands in his hair. He had spent the whole night and after they had kicked him out berating himself for being a fool and acting like a little kid.
"We would have understood, Prongs, you didn't have to completely ignore us!" James felt his heart lift a little hearing his nickname come out of his hopefully still best friend's mouth. "I'm sorry. Please, you guys are my best friends. You're my brother, Padfoot. I don't know what I would do without you and everyone…" James started to choke up. "I broke up with Sarah weeks ago; I just didn't know how to apologize to you guys." Sirius went and sat next to him. They stayed quiet for a while before James whispered "I've noticed too"
Sirius looked at him confused and said "What?"
James looked at him with heartbroken eyes and said "I've noticed how Lily has been too. I just didn't know what to do. We aren't the same anymore I didn't have the guts to talk to her alone. She hasn't eaten in 11 days, Padfoot, I even snuck her favorite candy under a book but she just ignored it. What's wrong with her?"
Sirius looked at James and said "I don't know. That's why I'm here. We need your help. Lily isn't responding to us. Remus even slapped her and nothing." James looked angry for a second that anyone would lay a hand on Lily but realized it wasn't meant to hurt her. "Let's go" James said, his eyes determined to help the love of his life. He swore to never leave her again. As they made their way up to the castle they ran into Rowan. He was flirting with Ravenclaw girl and touching her cheek. James saw red and went up to him and took him by his robes and pushed him up against the wall.
"What the hell, Rowan!? You're with Lily yet you're flirting with another girl! Lily doesn't deserve that!"
Rowan looked at him in shock and said "Calm down, Potter! Lily and I broke up weeks ago!"
James let go of him and he and Sirius just looked at Rowan. Sirius got into Rowan's face and said angrily, "It's all your fault then?! You broke her heart, you jackass!" He lifted his fist to hit Rowan when Rowan said, "She broke up with me!"
"Lily hasn't told you anything?" He said looking specifically at James.
"No…." James didn't know how to feel. Lily broke up with Rowan? Why?
He and Sirius apologized to Rowan and left to hurry to the Heads common room. When they got there Remus was pacing. He looked up with the door open and said "Finally!"
James went to Remus and said "Remus, I'm sorry for being the biggest arse in the world. All you've ever done was try to help me. Please forgive me?" Remus looked at him then at Sirius and when Sirius nodded he smiled and said "Of course, Prongs. Don't let it happen again or I will rip you apart." James nodded relieved and then turned all his attention to the broken girl on the couch. The boys hung back as James took their spot from before and held Lily's face in his hands. It hurt him to see her like this
"Lily, love, please we care about you. Tell us what has been going on." Lily just stared
"Lily, please! I'll tell you about me if you tell me about you okay? I'm so sorry for ignoring you. I couldn't be around you knowing you'd never be mine. Knowing you were happy with Rowan killed me. So I started dating Sarah. It was never anything serious; I need you to know that. Do you know that? Can you hear me?" James asked desperately
Lily looked at him and finally after what felt like eternity, she nodded. They all breathed a sigh of relief- they were getting somewhere.
"Remus and Sirius are here too, Lily. We are all so worried about you. I know you and Rowan broke up, is that why you're like this?" Lily's eyes began to fill with tears and she shook her head.
"Tell us what's wrong, love?" He said softly.
Lily was fully aware by then and whispered "I feel empty, James" His heart hurt hearing the pain in her voice. "I don't have Rowan, I don't have you, and I don't have a family. I have no one." His brow creased in confusion.
"That's not true, Lily! You have all of us, right here. We wouldn't be here if we weren't worried about you! And you always tell me how great your parents are! They love you!"
"They're dead" Lily said emotionless once again.
James reared back in horrible shock and Sirius and Remus rushed to either side of Lily.
"Lily…"
"I used to think I was so strong." Lily laughed dryly at herself "but I couldn't handle anything that happened this year. I'm pathetic."
James looked at his best friends silently asking for some privacy. They looked unsure but nodded and left. Lily completely unaware they left.
James sat on the couch next to Lily and held her hands. "Talk to me" He said softly
She looked at him and tears started falling from her eyes "I knew something was wrong months before I broke up with Rowan. I felt sad all the time. I was only happy with you and Remus and Sirius. I thought I was just upset that he spent so much time away from me but then it became something more. I couldn't figure it out but then I did: I lost myself. Then you started dating Sarah, and I lost you. I couldn't take it anymore and I broke up with Rowan, he didn't deserve anyone who wasn't 100% into the relationship, so I lost him too. That same night I got an owl. I lost my parents. I lost my sister completely; she never wants to see me again. I lost everyone. Including myself, James. What am I supposed to do now?" She was full on sobbing into his shirt now.
"You never lost me, Lily" He said softly. He held her and let her cry for everything she had been through. "I'm sorry I left you alone" He said hating himself for it. She just continued crying and he continued to hold her. She eventually tired herself out and stopped crying. She felt a little better now that she had expressed her grief. She was just exhausted, but she wanted him to know. So she sat us, wiped her eyes and faced James. She took a deep breath and said
"I love you, James."
James thought it was just everything getting to her so he didn't let himself hope. "You don't have to say that, Lily. I know everything you've been through has been a lot and—
He was interrupted by Lily putting her lips onto his. He had never felt anything as amazing as his Lily kissing him. He realized he hadn't kissed her back so he put his hands to the back of her neck and responded passionately. Eventually, Lily was pushed under him pressed into the cushions with her shirt unbuttoned and bra exposed. James was hovered over her running his hands all over her body with his shirt thrown somewhere and his glasses askew. They broke apart breathing heavily and looking at each other. James cleared his throat and smirked "Maybe…we should take this slow, love."
Lily felt herself smile truly for the first time, practically beaming and said "I love you, James. Thank you, for making me feel alive again."
He smiled and said "Don't ever go through anything alone again, okay? I know half of it was my fault and I will continue to say I'm sorry until I die. But you have me, Remus and Sirius. We love you. We will be your family now." Lily wrapped her arms around him lucky to have him in her life again.
She then smirked and said, "Do you think they will come looking for us if we don't find them for say…another hour or two?" James looked at the beautiful girl under him and smiled saying "I'm sure we have a few hours." He lifted her and took her to his bedroom, promising himself he would never let go of this girl again.
I know the ending is a little eh but if I didn't end it like that I would have had to keep going and who knows when it would have ended lol. Also if you read my other story I'm working on a new chapter, I just keep rewriting it because I'm trying to decide which direction it should go, but it'll be up soon. I couldn't help myself with this one once I heard the song and I just kept writing. Please Review!