You caused my heart to bleed
And you still owe me a reason,
'Cause I can't figure out why
-So Cold by Ben Cocks
"You put her through hell, you know." Cho said to Jane matter-of-factly as he took a bottle of water from the break room.
"I know," he knew, every single day and it killed him just a little bit more each time.
"I don't know why she hasn't fired your ass yet."
Patrick smirked, but there was no humor on his face. "I close cases."
Cho nodded thoughtfully, taking a swig from the bottle as he made his way to the door.
"And you play with the boss over and over. I wonder when she'll fall so hard she won't get back up." Cho took a step out the door. "You break her, I'll kill you," he said, deadpanned, and Jane knew he meant every word as he closed the door and walked back to his desk.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"I'm sorry, Lisbon," Jane said with a very unconvincing tone, sitting atop Rigsby's desk as Teresa Lisbon stood just a few feet away, hands on her hips, pulse throbbing, brows furrowed, and face burning red. Jane thought she had never been more beautiful. Her anger brought out the color in her cheeks, and glimmer in her eyes . . . if she would only smile instead of lash out, he thought it would have the same effect.
"I know Jane, you always say that," she said firmly and angrily. "When I want to hear it. But you never mean it, and you'll never say it to the person you hurt."
"Lisbon, I solved the case and the killer is in prison!"
"Jane, you insulted an FBI agent and just about drove a grieving mother to suicide! That doesn't justify it!"
"I closed the case!"
Lisbon bit back the angry words boiling in her chest. "My job is on the line, again, because of you." She turned on her heel and huffed angrily back in her office. Jane just shrugged, and continued tossing a beanbag he had found in the desk.
"You really shouldn't mess with her like that," Grace Van Pelt said softly, looking up from her computer.
"Lisbon? Nah, she loves it," Jane tried to reassure her.
"She sure didn't look like it."
"She'll be fine by tonight."
"I wouldn't be so sure, Jane. You pushed her hard this time," Van Pelt pressed.
"I push her hard every time," he admitted, catching the beanbag and peering at Lisbon through the blinds in her office. "She doesn't stop talking to me for more than a day."
"One day you'll push her too far. One day, Jane, she might not come back."
Jane looked back at Van Pelt and met her eyes. They were full of loyalty and compassion. But she quickly dropped them back to her computer and Jane was left to question just how true her words might be.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Jane was observant, even as he hid behind his magazine on his couch. He had been watching Rigsby all day. When Van Pelt finally left for lunch, leaving Rigsby alone with Jane, he looked up.
"You know the way you look at her is a dead giveway, my friend."
Rigsby snapped his head back and glared at Jane in shock. "Dead giveway of what?"
"Oh, that you still have immense feelings for her, of course," Jane responded.
Rigsby was quiet for a minute before he spoke. "Well, so what if I do? What's it to you?"
Jane shrugged, pursing his lips. "Nothing, it's just easy to read. Obvious."
Rigsby narrowed his eyes, slightly embarrassed. "Would you rather me look at her with admiration and respect or treat her like you treat the boss?"
For once, Rigsby had him speechless, but he quickly tried to recover.
"How's your approach working out for you?" Jane spoke, a teasing glint in his eye.
"How's yours?"
Jane was silent.
"Boss is family, Jane," Rigsby said. "Don't be the reason she leaves this unit, because she's had to put up with a whole lot of crap from you these few years. Honestly, it's something else you're still here," he said, incredulously.
"Got nothing else to do," Jane said quietly.
"Well, if you don't mind, I'll stick to doing what I do—watching Grace and eating donuts," Rigsby said, getting up from behind his desk.
"I'll do what I do—close cases."
Rigsby looked Jane square in the eyes from across the room, grabbing a donut out of the box on Cho's desk.
"Leave Boss' feelings out of it," he warned.
Once again, Jane didn't know what to say in response. It wasn't often Wayne Rigsby left him speechless. But he didn't have to worry, because right then, Van Pelt came back from the break room and Rigsby was suddenly uninterested in Jane as he smiled at her, his face full of glaze and chocolate.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Lisbon sat at her desk in the late hours of the night. Her team had already gone home; even Jane had holed himself away in his attic for the night. She ran her hands through her hair, trying desperately to focus on the stacks of paperwork in front of her. She forced herself to stare at it, because every time she looked up at her office walls, she saw the time Jane had pretended to shoot her.
"Love you."
He had said, right after embracing her for what felt like an eternity but also didn't seem like long enough. And her thoughts went into overdrive.
He loves me. He said so, he has to. Even Patrick Jane couldn't lie about those words, even he wouldn't be so cruel to say that and not mean it.
But he hadn't lied, not really. He had just told her he didn't remember, like it was a declaration driven by adrenaline. And it probably was, part of it anyway. And Lisbon never pushed it again, never rushed him. She had thought that maybe it was true, maybe he loved her and he couldn't admit it, not yet anyway, not until after Red John was killed and he put that part of his life behind him.
Other times she thought maybe it was true, but not in the way she wanted it to be. Maybe by love, he meant trust, or like, or admire, but maybe it wasn't real love. Maybe it was platonic after all.
Sometimes she wondered if he had denied remembering uttering those words because he worried what she would think, what she would say. Maybe he didn't know. And that doubt absolutely killed her.
But the one that tore Lisbon up inside, the possibility that made her want to break down and cry, was the chance that maybe he had said in the heat of the moment. Maybe he had said it to lure Red John toward her, maybe he had said those words without thinking and didn't mean them or really didn't remember. Maybe it was a scam, a lie, another beautifully constructed ploy of Patrick Jane, to go along with the six months he spent in Vegas, losing all contact with her.
"Love you."
But then he had held her hand, grabbed it for comfort and warmth as chaos erupted around them. Wainwright had been shot, he had almost lost his fingers, and Red John had gotten away again, but he had chosen her. He had reached up, traced his fingers from her elbow to her hand, a feeling that still sent chills down her spine, and enveloped her hand. He had relished in her comfort, in her company, and in that moment, she had started to believe that maybe, just maybe, he had meant what he said. He really loved her.
But then he was interrogating Lorelei. Interrogating. The memory brought a sour taste to Lisbon's mouth, venom to her blood. Lorelei had just presumed maybe Jane was a little bit in love with her and Lisbon herself had started to believe it. She had hoped, prayed, maybe it was true. And then, within the next minute, she had asked him to kiss her, and he had, barely hesitating. It was like Lisbon had been punched in the gut, in the face. Listening to that alone had to have been worse than being killed by Red John himself.
He slept with her. He slept with her. He kissed her, he took her side, he sacrificed himself for her. And he had known her for what, a few months, maybe? Lisbon had been his partner for ten years, and what did she have to show for it? Her job on the line dozens of times, her head on the menu of a serial killer, and a measly "love you" that probably didn't even mean anything, seeing as it was said seconds before he shot her. Pretend of course, but he had.
"Love you."
Lisbon buried her head in her hands, trying desperately to rid herself of the thoughts that plagued her day in and day out. She didn't know why she cared when he didn't. She didn't know why she tried to save him every single time when all he did was hurt her. She didn't know why she kept coming back when he broke her, when he tossed her around, always assuming she'd stay by his side. Yet she always did. She never left him, and she couldn't see herself ever doing anything differently, no matter how much it shattered her every single day
"Love you."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
."Hey boss," Rigsby rapped on the door to her office the next morning, holding a manila file in one hand. Lisbon glanced up, exhausted.
"We got a call. Looks like an open and close case. Want Cho and me to take it?"
Lisbon nodded tiredly, waving her hand. "Yes, go ahead. I have to finish up this paperwork. If it's more complicated than it seems, give me a call."
"You got it," Risgby said, scooting back out in the hall. Lisbon put her head back in her hands.
She hadn't been resting for twenty seconds before she heard a familiar shuffle enter her office. She groaned. "Jane, I really don't have time for this," she muttered.
"That's no way to greet someone on this beautiful morning," Jane chirped, and Lisbon could feel him walk right up to her desk and stop.
"But it's a way to greet you," she responded, her head still buried in her hands.
"A mean way."
"What do you want, Jane?" Lisbon jerked up, glaring at him, her eyes burning through him. Jane held his ground.
"My, Lisbon, you look awful," were the words he chose to say.
"Why thank you, Jane," she said dryly, looking coldly at him.
"But you're beautiful," he added, a smirk tugging at his lips.
Lisbon rolled her eyes but smiled, her cheeks coloring slightly. "Thanks, Jane," she managed. "What do you need?"
Jane hesitated and looked away, something he didn't do often. "You'll always get back up, won't you?"
Lisbon was confused, and Jane could see it on her face.
"I mean, you'll always come back to the team . . . To me?" Jane said, a bit unsure as he met her eyes.
"Why this sudden concern, Jane?" Lisbon asked, dodging the questions for the time being.
"Because, I, uh, I need you."
Lisbon rolled her eyes. She had heard this bit before.
"Why do you need me? You have Lorelei," she sighed, picking up the papers.
"You really think I have feelings for her?" Jane roughly pounded his palm on her desk and bent down, forcing her to stare into her eyes. "Because I don't. I promise, Lisbon. Do you trust me?"
Lisbon sighed, breaking eye contact. "I don't know, Jane."
Jane's heart broke at her words and Lisbon could see it all over his face, but she chose to ignore it.
Unexpectedly, Jane reached out and grabbed Lisbon's right hand. He held onto her wrist much like he had the day he had almost lost his fingers and immediately felt her pulse speed up.
"Just, just, promise me you won't leave, okay?" he pressed quickly, dropping her hand and standing back up tall.
Lisbon nodded, looking into his eyes. "I don't know why Jane, but I won't leave. I've considered it, but I never do. I think it's more for the team than for you," she said with a heavy sigh.
Jane nodded, hurt but understanding. He backed out of her office slowly until he reached the doorframe. Lisbon had already turned her eyes back to her work.
"Lisbon," he said softly, and she looked up, meeting his eyes.
"I remember what I said," he whispered, glancing around the office, a solemn look on his face, reminiscing about that day with so many turns of events that had all started right here in her office.
"And I meant it."
He looked into her eyes one more time, and then left, going upstairs to his attic, she assumed.
The words had hit her like a tornado, so fast, that Lisbon was having trouble focusing and standing. She quickly collapsed back in her chair, rubbing her head in shock. Her mind was spinning so fast, her heart rate had increased drastically, and her eyes were having trouble focusing. Oh, she knew exactly what he meant. And she had never seen such compassion, such tender love in her consultant's eyes before. The way Jane had said it . . . for the first time, Lisbon didn't doubt his words one little bit.
"Love you."
So what'd you think? Please let me know what you think! I hope I got the character dialogs right and wasn't too OOC. I'm hoping the whole "love you" thing will be addressed next season... someone can't just say that and expect to be let off the hook! Especially when that someone is Jane. ;) Anyway, I hope it was an enjoyable fic and fun to read:) Please drop me a review; they help me keep going!