"Finally! The weekend is here!" announced Riko as she entered her bedroom. "And not just any weekend. It's the weekend Chika-chan and You-chan go camping." She placed a small tray of food on her bedside table before retrieving a particularly special doujin she'd purchased a few weeks ago just for this occasion, crawling under her covers in anticipation.
"A soft bed, a warm sandwich, a good doujin... and two whole days with no one shouting 'Yousoro!' or 'Kiseki da yo!'" She sighed wistfully. "I mean, I love them and all, but sometimes it's nice to have some alone time." With that, Riko flipped open her latest doujin and began to read.
...Only to be interrupted by a cry of "Yousoro!" from outside.
Riko sighed again, this time in resignation, and put down her doujin. She walked outside and found an orange tent set up between her house and Chika's ryokan. A campfire was set up next to the sidewalk, and beside it were two laughing girls sitting on a log they'd scrounged up from somewhere. In their hands were sticks holding slices of mikan over the fire.
"Chika-chan, You-chan! Aren't you two supposed to be camping?"
Chika turned to smile at her. "We are camping," she said.
"Chika-chan, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your ryokan."
The ginger's face fell into a disapproving frown. "Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city girls are safe in their beds reading yuri doujins..." (Riko's jaw dropped at her friend's spot on description of her a few moments ago.) "...We're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature!" She waved her hand to draw attention to You, who was bench-pressing tree trunks in the background. She gasped suddenly as an idea came to her. "You should join us!"
Riko took a second to admire the way You's muscles flexed as she lifted, but shook off the temptation quickly. "No thank you," she said. "Sleeping outdoors isn't really my cup of tea."
"But Riko-chan! Don't you wanna spend time with us?"
"Not like this. Now if you'll excuse me..." The redhead began walking to her front door.
A frown formed on Chika's face. "...I suppose you're right. There's no way some city girl would ever be able to survive in the wilderness."
"Chika-chan, we're ten feet from my house. Not even," replied Riko, not breaking her stride.
"How sad! Poor Riko-chan can't even survive in her own backyard for a night!"
"Good night Chika-chan, You-chan."
"Grr... You-chan! Help!" called Chika.
Behind them, the brunette lifted the tree trunk one last time before throwing it aside. She popped up and immediately turned on the charm. "Ne, Riko-chan... If you stay with us, we'll all get to stay in the tent and cuddle up in one big sleeping bag. Doesn't that sound nice?"
The redhead froze with her hand on the door, gears turning in her head as she imagined what a delightful feeling that would be, curled up with these two as the fire burned low and the stars twinkled romantically overhead. Compared to that, the doujin in her room felt almost hollow.
She couldn't turn down an opportunity like this.
Sighing, Riko turned back to the duo. "...I want to grab a few things from my house first," she decided.
"Yay!"
A few minutes later and Riko had officially joined Chika and You on their camping excursion, the redhead having set up a small picnic area next to their tent. The trio munched on homemade sandwiches and juice as they gazed up at the stars twinkling in the night sky.
"This is nice," remarked Riko.
"See? Aren't you glad you joined us?" asked Chika teasingly.
Riko giggled but nodded her ascent. A small gasp escaped her lips as inspiration struck her. "I've got an idea. This is the perfect situation to compose a new song! And I've got my portable piano with me too!" Riko prepared her instrument as Chika and You looked at her in shock. "But first, a warmup."
And with that, Riko began to play.
Chika and You both gasped in alarm as the first notes sounded out. Taking charge, Chika reached for the nearest piece of food and nocked it in a slingshot.
"Oh no! I'll save you Riko-chan!" cried Chika as she launched a slice of grilled mikan into Riko's mouth.
"Yume no tobiraaaaAARGH!"
The pianist fell back onto the ground, her melody interrupted. She made a strangled noise in an attempt to dislodge the ginger's projectile, and immediately Chika was at her side to assist.
"Riko-chan, are you alright?! That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There. Better?"
"Better?! I was just fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!" snapped Riko.
"But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the piano badly out here in the wilderness!" ("Badly?!" squawked the redhead indignantly.) Chika's voice lowered and she trembled in fear. "It might attract... a Sea-Kanan." Behind her, You nodded fearfully.
Riko looked at their scared faces with a blank stare. She was not impressed. "...Chika-chan, I don't know what that's supposed to be, but I'm quite sure it's not real. Also, Kanan-san would probably feel insulted were she here."
"Oh no Riko-chan, it's real," said You. She held up a magazine. "It says so in Shiny Science Monthly!"
Riko looked at the headline. "'I Married a Sea-Kanan'?" she read off incredulously.
"And the Kurosawa Times!" added Chika with a publication of her own.
"'Sea-Kanans and Fallen Angels are Real'?" Riko took a second to facepalm in annoyed disbelief. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard," she deadpanned.
"Hey! We're trying to protect you!" cried the ginger indignantly.
"From a creature that wouldn't even make for a half-decent creepypasta," replied Riko sardonically. "Chika-chan, if you're trying to play a joke on me, you could at least have the decency to put some effort into it."
"Hmph! It's not our fault a city girl like you can't understand the dangers of the wilderness." Feeling slighted, Chika then turned to You as she pseudo-whispered, "Her brain's all messed up. I suppose that's what you can expect from someone who spends all her time reading about yuri instead of actually experiencing it like a normal girl."
An anger mark appeared on Riko's forehead. This was getting ridiculous. As You attempted to play peacemaker between them, a plan began to come together in Riko's mind, and the pianist made a decision.
If Chika was so scared of these unreal beasts, then perhaps the ginger should face those fears head on.
"Alright then," she said suddenly, interrupting You's conciliatory overture. "It seems there's only one way to settle this."
"What's that?" asked You cautiously.
A serene smile blossomed on Riko's lips. "Why, we simply have to find out if Sea-Kanans actually exist!" Clearing her throat, the redhead put her hands to her mouth and began to yell. "The ocean is overrated!" she shouted. Behind her, Chika and You cried out in alarm. "Diving is stupid! Sea cucumbers are disgusting! Ponytails are a stupid look! Dolphin plushies are inferior to otter plushies! Not going to school no matter the reason automatically makes you a delinquent!"
"You-chan, what are we gonna do?!" panicked Chika. "A Sea-Kanan's sure to come by and eat us!"
"Don't worry Chika-chan! I'll draw an anti-Sea-Kanan circle in the dirt!" declared You.
"Good thinking You-chan! All the experts say it's the only defense against a Sea-Kanan attack!"
As soon as the circle was complete, Chika and You hopped within their little sanctuary and held each other for dear life.
After several more taunts, Riko finished up with a final provoking call of, "Kanan didn't deserve a center!"
Silence followed, broken only by Riko recovering her breath and the fearful dithering of Chika and You.
Riko stopped and turned to her friends. "Well. I think that about clears it up. Sea-Kanans don't exist," she declared confidently. The pair shivering in the circle, however, were less than inclined to believe her. "What? Surely you don't still believe there's anything to this myth."
"R-Riko-chan," stuttered You as she raised a finger, "Behind you."
Riko froze in terror as she felt something breathe against the back of her neck. She saw Chika and You's eyes widen frightfully as she heard a low voice mumble intimidatingly behind her.
"Hagu shiyou."
And Riko screamed.
*Scene removed for cartoon violence. Hilarious cartoon violence.*
"Riko-chan! Are you okay?" called Chika as she and You wandered over, carrying their dirt circle with them.
"No I'm not okay!" screeched the redhead in pain.
"Quick! Jump into our anti-Sea-Kanan circle before it comes back!" said You as they dropped the circle to the ground.
"Are you crazy?! A dirt circle won't stop that thing! I'm running for my life!"
"NOOOO!" chorused Chika and You.
There was a Whoosh! of air as something practically flew past them, and Riko's scream reverberated once more.
*Scene removed for more hilarious cartoon violence.*
"Don't run!" advised Chika, "Sea-Kanans hate that!"
Riko slowly picked herself up off the ground. "Okay... I guess I'll just limp home then," she replied miserably.
"NOOOO!"
Whoosh!
*Scene removed for even more hilarious cartoon violence.*
"They hate limping more than running!"
"Well... I guess I'll just-"
WHOOSH!
*Wow, what did Riko do to deserve being the recipient of so much cartoon violence?*
"I should have warned you about crawling!"
All was quiet for a moment, then-
WHOOSH!
*Seems like Yoshiko is no longer the one with the most bad luck. Not that it's a competition.*
"What'd I do that time?!" wailed Riko.
"I don't know, I guess she just doesn't like you!" returned Chika.
"I can't imagine why," muttered You sarcastically under her breath. Raising her voice, she threw Riko her drawing stick. "Here, draw a circle on the ground!"
"Okay!" replied the redhead.
WHOOSH!
*Somewhere, the real Kanan is feeling very vindictively satisfied for some reason. Next to her, Dia and Mari are telling her to go back to sleep.*
"That was an oval!" critiqued Chika, "It has to be a circle!"
"Ahhhhh!" screamed Riko in frustration as she ran back to them. "Move over!" She jumped into the circle, diving between the two in search of salvation. And not a moment too soon.
The Sea-Kanan returned and barred its teeth at the redhead once more, ready to continue pummeling her. Then it noticed the dirt circle encasing the trio of girls and let out a sound of resignation. It narrowed its eyes at Riko in promise of further retribution, before heading off into the darkness of the wilderness.
The redhead let out a small hysteric laugh of relief. "Hey, it worked! You two saved my life!"
"Yeah, I'm glad it was just a Sea-Kanan. This circle would never hold back a Sea-Dia!" chirped Chika.
"What attracts them?" asked Riko with a sinking feeling.
"The sound of a Sea-Kanan attack."
Behind her, Riko heard the rumble of a Sea-Dia as it growled menacingly behind them. "Buu buu desu wa."
"Heh. Good thing we're all wearing our anti-Sea-Dia undergarments, he he. Right, Riko-chan?"
"...huh?"
~END~
AN: Spongebob parodies for the win!
If anyone is having trouble imagining what Sea-Kanans and Sea-Dias look like, I like to think of them as giant, sentient, floating nesoberis of Kanan and Dia. :P