And it Comes Out...
A sunny, but normally chilly day in South Park, Colorado. The sun has just risen and the buzzer finally buzzed Kyle Broflovski into reality and out of his dream. When Kyle opens his eyes, it is almost sudden and quick, like he was in a nightmare of some sort. He sits up and breathes heavily. Once he realized that he is in the safety of his own home, he exhailed in relief. He pivoted himself sideways and put his feet on the carpet. He walked to the bathroom, his eyes still half-open, thinking how the day is gonna be.
"Oh, boy. Another day. Gonna have breakfast, gonna go out to the bus stop, say 'Hi' to Stan, Kenny, and Fatass, get on the bus and... ugh... I really have to stop mentally planning my day; it's just plain depressing."
He twisted the handle of the bathroom door and walked in.
Sheila sat at the table watching in happiness Ike eating cereal on his own without spilling a drop on milk on the floor.
"Gerald! Ike is eating normally!" She called into the living room.
"Oh, that's great, Sheila," Gerald responded walking into the kitchen. Then suddenly from the upstairs bathroom...
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"
"What on earth was that?!" asked Gerald.
"Kyle, are you alright?" Sheila shouted.
"AAAAHHHHH!! Oh my God!! Oh my Gooooooooooodd!!"
Sheila and Gerald ran from the table and up the stairs. They ran to the bathroom door.
"Kyle, are you alright?!" Sheila asked.
"Uh, I, I... I don't know." Kyle answered sounding scared. "I don't know what's happening?"
"Kyle, we're coming in," Gerald said, and with that they opened the door to find a most shocking sight.
There Kyle was standing in front of the tub with the shower on. His shirt was off and he was shaking and looking very confused.
"What's wrong Kyle?" Sheila asked somewhat relieved that her son wasn't on fire or something. "Was the water too hot?"
"Did we run out of Suave?" asked Gerald. "Did your shmeichel fall off?"
"No... No it's not that." Kyle answered frightened. "It's... It's something else."
"Well, then, what is it?"
"Umm. It's my underwear."
"What's wrong with your underwear?"
"Well... I found something in there when I woke up and I have no idea where it came from."
"Well, then can you hand it to us?" asked Sheila.
"Well, okay... But you might have to step outside for a moment... please."
"Alright, then."
Gerald and Sheila stepped outside. After a moment, Kyle slid his underwear under the door. Gerald picked them up and looked inside. His jaw dropped.
"Oh my God!" He shouted.
"What, what is it Gerald?"
"Look."
"Oh my goodness."
What Gerald and Sheila found in Kyle's underwear startled them. They found, in fact, a clear goopy substance which is formaly known as semen. Sheila dropped the underwear not knowing what to say.
"What should we do Gerald?"
"I'm not sure, Sheila... But I think I might have an idea.
Kyle walked downstairs with his jacket, backpack, and his infamous green ushanka, ready to go to the bus stop.
"Kyle." Gerald said before he could open the door. "Sit down, son."
"I have to go, dad." Kyle responded. "Stan, Kenny, and Retard are waiting for me at the bus stop."
"We excused you from school today."
"You what?" Kyle asked, not shocked but just slightly confused. "But why?"
"Kyle, do what your father says." Sheila said.
Kyle sighs and sits between his parents on the couch.
"Kyle," Gerald began. "Do you remember what your dream was about?"
Kyle looked at his feet and tried to remember.
"Kyle we need you to think very hard." Sheila added.
"I'm trying. But I can't... Wait."
"Yes?"
"I remember me... I was sitting in this totally awesome car and I was in the passenger seat. I looked to the left and there was Stan driving the car. I remember him saying that we were gonna go swim at the beach."
"... And then what happened?"
"Then we got there and we set up next to these dunes and he took off his shirt and asked me to put on sun tan lotion on his back and then I watched him swim."
Kyle's parents stared at one another. They had finally realized why Kyle had his wet dream. They stared at each other while Kyle looked at them waiting for a response.
"So, what exactly was that stuff in my undies?" he asked.
"Kyle," Gerald began slowly. "I bet you could make the bus if you ran."
Kyle, still confused, got off the couch and ran out the door. "Bye mom, bye dad!"
"Gerald," Sheila began scared. "All this time I thought that we raised our son properly."
"It's alright Sheila." He replied even though for him it was not alright. "There's nothing we can do."
Kyle ran at the bus stop deeply breathing and took his place on the left side of Stan.
"Hey dude." Kyle said.
"Dude," said Stan. "Where've you been?
"I got caught up with my parents. They were all weird this morning."
"Oh, yeah, that reminds me, man, you gotta ask your parents if you can sleep at my house tonight. I got the new 'Car Thief Supreme 4' game and we can play it tonight!"
"Oh, sweet!"
"Oh, that's just typical of you, Kyle." Cartman added.
"What are you talking about Fatass?" Kyle asked annoyed.
"A Jew sleeps over at a guy's house just because he has the latest technology."
"Cartman, you retard, 'Car Thief Supreme 4' is the single most greatest driving/crime game ever! And secondly, Stan's my best friend in the whole world and best friends sleep at each other's houses."
"Oh, I think it's a little more than friendship, here."
"What?" Kyle asked, not at all amused.
"Well, if you wanna be gay with Stan, Kyle, go ahead."
"Dude, we're not being gay!" Stan said angry. "This is 'Car Thief Supreme 4!'"
"Yeah?! Well I just think this is an excuse so you guys can make love!" Cartman shouted.
"Shut up, you fucking asshole!" Kyle yelled.
Cartman began to calm down, but only to become the kniving boy he is; taking on a more regal, yet evil tone. "Well, well, Kyle, we seem to have hit a nerve, haven't we?"
Kyle stooped down to his mellowness but was still angered. "What are you talking about?"
"I'll lay off for now, I just want one thing to know." Cartman closed in. "Do you like weiner..."
Kyle stood there with his mouth wide open. "WHAT?!"
"You know what faggots like, Kyle? Penis. Weiners. Pork swords. Do you know what they dream about. Touching men, undressing men, rubbing lotion on them, watching them perform vigorous activites such as working out at the weights, running, swimming..."
Kyle looked at the ground remembering his dream. Stan stepped in getting pissed off. "Cartman, you're being fucking retarded."
"Hold on, Stan, I'm not quite finished yet. And then, Kyle, when they dream of other men being all sexy and naked and faggy and whatnot, white goop comes out of their wee-wee."
Kyle wasn't angry anymore. He was almost scared. "What?"
"When they do this, this prooves that they are gay. Or what we call, 'Fab.'"
"CARTMAN!" Stan shouted.
"Fine, fine, I'll stop," Eric said. "But I need to know one thing. Stan, do you have dreams of men?"
"No!"
"Kyle, do you like weiners in your mouth?"
"Cartman, shut up! Kyle doesn't need to answer that! I of all people should know if my..."
"This doesn't concern you, Stanley!" Cartman shouted, then calming down once again. "Kyle. Yes, or no?"
The boys looked at Kyle. Kyle began to sweat, his heart started to race, when he finally gulped.
"... No..." he replied.
Cartman backed up. He still didn't look or sound convinced. "Alright, then Kyle. I thought I lost you for a moment." He went back to his post on the left of Kenny.
"Dude," Stan said nudging Kyle, giggling. "That was wierd, huh?" He laughed.
"Uh, y-yeah.. ha... Ha, ha..."
It's night time. Kyle and Stan are up in Stan's room playing 'CTS 4.' They're laying on the carpet with controlers in their hands trying to kill each other in a one-on-one shoot-off challenge. They're both laughing and leaning from side-to-side driving their cars with the sounds of engines, swearing, and shooting. The boys try to throw the other off from winning the game by nudging each other, covering their eyes, or tickling their sides. Stan's mom, Sharon, walked in.
"Boys, it's time for bed. Put on your PJ's and hit the hay."
"Aww, but mom," Stan laughed. "I still have to kick this guy's butt."
"Nu-uh," Kyle replied grabbing Stan's controller, smiling. "I'm gonna kick your butt."
Stan jumped on Kyle for his controller and they got into the same fight rolling on the floor and laughing.
"Boys, now." Sharon said smiling at their youth. "It's almost 1."
Stan stood up. "Ok, mom. G'night."
"Good night, boys."
"We should get to bed, dude." Stan said to Kyle.
"Ok," he answered shutting off the game system. "I have to show you something."
"What?"
Kyle grabbed his back pack and ran into Stan's closet to change. He came out in bright blue pajamas with Terrance and Philip all over.
"Check it out!" Kyle said spinning showing Stan every angle. "Every picture is different. Look, here they're farting in eachother's faces and here they're throwing crap at eachother."
"Dude, that's awesome!" Stan laughed. "Now let me change."
Stan went into the closet. Kyle sat on the bed waiting for him to come out. When Stan came out, he was expecting him to have the pants and shirt, but it was just pants. Stan walked out in pajama pants only. They were dark red with blue checks.
"Stan," Kyle asked confused, standing up, but laughing a bit as if it were some joke. "Where's the shirt?"
"There is no shirt, dude." Stan answered. "It's just the pants. They look cooler and they're way comfortable."
"Oh... Ok, then."
"What's wrong, man?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all."
"Alright, let's hop in."
Stan walked past Kyle and got under the covers. Kyle stood there, eyes wide. "What?"
"I said 'let's hop in'."
"You mean... together?"
"Dude, we've been sleeping in the same bed at every sleep over since we were, like, 5."
"Oh... Has it already been that long?"
Stan stood up finally figuring out why Kyle was acting strange. "Listen, dude, don't let what Cartman said get you. I'm sure he sleeps over at a lot of his frien..." Stan paused, thinking over the thought of Cartman having other friends. "Nnnnever mind, just forget all about it. If it makes you feel any better, I'll give you one of my pillows and a spare blanket from Shelly's closet and you can sleep on the floor."
"Ok, that's fine." Kyle said relieved.
"Good."
Stan walked out of the room. He re-entered with a pink blanket with purple and white flowers all over it. "How's this?" He asked unravelling it.
"Pink?" Kyle asked. "Why the hell would you give me pink?! I told you I wasn't gay!! What the hell is wrong with you, Stan, I thought we were best friends!!"
"Dude, dude!" Stan held on to Kyle's shoulders and he eased up. "What's your problem, Kyle. I am your friend. It's just a blanket."
Kyle looked at the floor feeling really stupid. Stan let go of him and began to take off his blanket from his bed. "Look, I'll take off mine and you can use it, okay?"
Kyle turned around and put his face in his hands. Stan looked at Kyle and noticed his shoulders shaking. "Kyle?" His silent sobs became a bit more heard. "Kyle, are you crying? Are you homesick or something? I'll get you a phone."
"No, Stan." Stan stopped and look at him. "It's just... I've been a lousy best friend tonight, and it's not your fault, it's me. I'm just... thinking a lot about stuff."
"Like what?"
"Like me being gay."
Stan was a little freaked out for a moment, then remained normal. "But you said to Cartman this morning that you weren't. And you're not."
Kyle said nothing. Stan walked closer to his friend. "Kyle?"
"Stan, I had a dream of you last night. I was watching you swim. And then I woke up with a... sea man in my undies."
"Kyle," he responded concerned. "Are you for real? You have to be honest with me here."
Kyle turned around. "I've never been more serious in my life."
"Well, you know what, Kyle? I don't give a damn. You know why? 'Cause you're my best friend, and best friends like each other no matter what."
"Stan?"
"Yes, Kyle?"
"Thanks." He smiled with a tear rolling down his cheek.
"No problem." He smiled back.
They hugged. Stan got in his bed and Kyle put the blanket and pillow on the floor and tucked himself in.
The following Monday, Kyle was standing at the bus stop by himself. Stan walked and stood on the right of Kyle.
"Stan," Kyle began. "I have to thank you again. You were so understanding, it almost makes me shit." Kyle laughed. Stan laughed with him.
"It was no big deal Kyle." Stan answered.
Just then, Cartman was about to join Kyle and Stan at the bus stop when he heard Stan say...
"It doesn't make me feel any different because you're gay, dude."
"That makes me feel a lot better." Kyle answered.
Cartman stood there wide-eyed and ran behind a house. "My God..."
It's 12:36 at South Park Elementary and the boys are eating lunch at their table. Cartman suddenly runs in and stops at a sudden halt at the table.
"Why hello, Kyle, Stan, Kenny." He was sounding unusually nice, yet another trait of Eric showing his plotting side. "How are we this fine evening?"
"Umm... Fine?" Stan answered.
"Might I steal Kenny for juuuuuuuust one moment please?"
Kenny hopped down from his seat and followed Eric into the hall.
"Kenny, I have some news that could very well be the greatest news in the whole God damned world."
"What?" Kenny asked with his muffled voice.
"... Kyle... is gay."
"So?"
"So? What do you mean 'so'?" Cartman asked confused. "This is the pinnacle of my life! That dirty Jew has finally just done the thing that makes me know he's a lier."
"If you ask someone in the closet if they're gay, they're never gonna tell you anyhow. It's normal."
"Kenny, what the hell?! Now I have to tell the school that Kyle Brofballski is a weiny-licker." Eric began to laugh hard. "It's the perfect plan!"
"Dude, that's low."
"Low? Low is lying to someone's FACE after asking politely. Low is not being honest to your friend. Low is being a DIRTY JEW!"
"... So what do you want me to do?"
"I need you to find out how he came onto these 'urges' in the first place, you know, who got him going. It's probably Stan, though."
"It's not Stan."
"Why the hell wouldn't it be?"
"Stan's his friend, Kyle wouldn't think of him. That's just wierd."
"Maybe, you're right. But I still want you to find out. Go." Cartman then yelled dramatically. "Go!!"
Kenny walked back into the cafeteria rolling his eyes.
"It's finally coming to plan." Cartman said rubbing his hands. "Soon Kyle's secret shall be out, and I will feel totally awesome."
Back in the cafeteria, Stan and Kyle are still eating when Kenny walks by.
"Hey Kenny, aren't you gonna finish your lunch?" Stan asked.
Kenny exchanged looks at the two boys and continued to walk away.
"That was weird." Kyle commented.
"So what did you say you did to Cartman's back pack?"
Kyle began to laugh just thinking about it.
"Come on, dude, what?" Stan edged on laughing himself.
"I took a dump in it."
The boys both laughed banging on the table. Stan even fell over.
After school, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walked out of the school's front doors along with every other student when the bell rung. Kyle is looking at the floor, looking guilty almost.
"Kyle," said Stan. "What's up? You're really quiet."
"I dunno. " Kyle began. "As much as I hate Cartman, I... I kinda feel bad about deucing in his bag."
"Dude... You are sick."
"I'm serious," Kyle protested while Stan chuckled. "I've done so much crap to the asshole as he did to me. I was thinking..." He sighed. "Maybe it's time to break the cycle."
"Kyle, I have to tell you that you are being very stupid doing this. But... I suppose that if you want to be on the same page with Cartman, then I guess you can do that if you want to."
"Thanks, dude." He smiled.
"Kenny! Kenny! For the love of God, Kenny!" It was Cartman running out of the school doors at full speed with his fat jiggling and everything else. "Kenny."
"What?!" Kenny asked.
"Did you... You know..."
"U-huh."
"Really? Well who is the guy?!"
Kenney stopped in his tracks and let Kyle and Stan walk without them. Cartman stopped with Kenny. "Well?"
Kenny leaned in. "The guy that got Kyle started," he said. "Is you."
Kenny continued to walk as Cartman stood in the snow completely silent. His eyes were widened and his mouth open not able to fathom what he had just heard. He stared at the ground wondering 'How could this be?' He was not able to understand that he, who has been such a douche-ass mega-clit to Kyle for as long as they had known each other, was the very person that made Kyle's love interest do a 180. He continued to walk home alone completely silent, not knowing what to think. For the entire walk home the only image he had, and couldn't get out of his mind, was Kyle just standing there with his hands behind his back, twisting the dirt under him with his right foot and having a little smile, blushing, looking all gay-like. Standing there with his gay little ear-flappy hat and his stupid orange jacket.
He finally arrived home and walked up the stairs and dragged his bag behind him. He walked into his room and plopped his butt on his desks chair and his bag on the desk. "A little homework'll clear my mind... Th-that's all..."
He was about to open his bag when he felt his hands shake. He squinted his eyes in anger and confusion and threw his bag against the wall screaming. "BRRRRAAAAAGGGHHHAAAA!!"
His mother, Liane, walked in, poking her head in so she wouldn't get hit, but still undertook her regular motherly voice. "Is something wrong, poopsikins?"
"Fuck off, mom!" He shouted throwing stuff all over the place.
"Well, alrighty." She closed the door.
Cartman, finally exhausted from his miniature reign of terror, at on the floor and thought. He finally stood up, confident, but still freaked out of his mind. "I gotta do this... I... I just gotta"
Back at the Broflovski house, Kyle is up in his room writing in his journal. The telephone rung and Kyle picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hello, Kyle." It was Cartman.
"Cartman?"
"I just needed to talk to you for a moment."
"Listen, Eric, I know you probably feel bad, but I'm willing to say that I'm sorry and I was wrong and it will..."
"No, no, Kyle! Stop. You've got it all wrong. In fact, I don't feel bad at all."
"You... You don't?"
"Not at all. At first I was a bit creeped out, but now I suppose it all makes sense."
"How? I... Never mind. So... We're cool then?"
"Absolutely. And to be honest, Kyle, I don't exactly blame you, I mean, if I were you..." Eric checked himself out in the mirror and flexed. "... I'd do the same thing."
"Well, I'm glad we're all on the same page here."
"Kyle, I'm deeply flattered that you would do such a thing."
"... You what?" Kyle was almost scared.
"Ya, that's right. Once I realized why you would it, I thought I would make it the best week of your life."
"... Cartman?"
"Just wait 'til tomorrow, Kyle, you'll see!" He hung up.
Kyle slowly hung up the phone, not knowing what to say. Was Cartman being serious? He had no idea what was going on right now.
Stan was playing 'CTS 4' when his phone rung. He stood up and walked over to his desk. He picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Stan!"
"Kyle? What's wrong?"
"It's Cartman! I don't know what's up."
"Kay, kay, calm down, bud. What's happening."
Kyle took a deep breath. "Cartman saw the crap and he said... He said he was flattered."
Stan widened his eyes. "... He what?"
"I know, right? Was he being serious?"
"Well, knowing Cartman, he was probably trying to psyche you out, or something. He probably wants to kick your ass or something."
Kyle sighed in relief. "Oh... Oh, thank God."
"So what are you gonna do?"
"I dunno... I'm gonna meet him outside of the school tomorrow and get this whole thing over with."
The next morning in front of South Park Elementary, the wind blew extra cold. Kyle sat against the wall next to the door. He was looking down to protect his face from the wind. Kyle was about to go inside when he heard a voice.
"Goodmorning, Kyle," Eric said.
Kyle stood up. "Alright, Cartman, let's get this..." He saw something he probably shouldn't have seen.
It was Cartman. There he was wearing tight jeans that were faded at the knees and a grey and black striped dress shirt slightly unbuttoned with his hair gelled in front of his right eye. His back pack hung behind his back with two of his fingers and the other hand in his pocket.
"Cartman?" He asked.
"Hey, Kyle, what's up?"
"Um... Wha... I, uh..." He couldn't find the words. "What... What the hell are you doing?"
"Whassamatter, Kyle? Can't I look good for one day?"
"... Is that a trick question?"
"I told you I would make it up to you, Kyle." He stepped a little closer. "Anything you'd like to say?"
Kyle, being the nice, caring person that he is, he couldn't go on some hateful rant of delusion. He walked up to him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Cartman."
"Yes, Kyle?"
"You need help."
"Yeah, I know, an... Wait, what?"
"You need much help... Fast."
"Well, what do you suggest I do?"
"Well, first off, you need to... um..." Kyle looked at the spot where his hand was. "Cartman," he removed his hand. "Are you flexing?"
"What?"
"You're flexing. I can see it. There a little vein in your neck, and..." He looked down. "You're sucking in your stomache."
Eric stood there. He couldn't let his role go. "I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout, man. I'm 100 percent o'natural."
Kyle sighed. He stuck his hand in Cartman's pants.
"Oh, Kyle!" Cartman said, acting as if it was some act of vialation. "What are you doing?"
Kyle pulled out a pair of socks. "What the hell is this Cartman?"
Cartman did not know what to say. He simply stood there and looked around as if his answer were on the walls or on the ground.
"Wait a minute." Kyle had actually figured it out. "Cartman... Are you trying to impress me?"
Cartman began to mad. "I just don't get you Kyle!"
"What?!"
"You're sending me mixed messages here! First you tell Stan, then you start to like me, now you're..."
"What the fuck are you talking about fat ass!?"
"... That's exactly what I mean."
"No! Ugh, no, no, no, no! Cartman, I don't like you! I NEVER did!"
"But... But Kenny said that..."
"I don't care what Kenny said! I will NEVER like you Eric Cartman, you rude, inconsiderate, fat, self-centered, son-of-a-bitch!" Kyle walked away and into the school. Stan was there and walked with him.
"Dude," he said. "What the hell was that about?"
"Nothing."
Cartman stood there and dropped everything he had.
Kenny walked past Cartman and into the school laughing his ass off.
He looked to the ground and sighed. "How could I have been so blind?" He picked up his back pack, upside down, actually, and out came a heaping lump of shit. Cartman stared at the deuce in confusion. He thought about it. His eyes flared up and he began to run into the school. "Oh, WEAK!!"