One Shot Crack Fic

I don't own Harry Potter

One fine day at the Burrow, Harry and the gang sat around the living room while the children burned things outside.

Neville pulled out their third year Lemon Drop Year Book. Everyone gathered around excitedly pushing each other over to get a better view. George made a dramatic leap over the crowd and grabbed the book then proceeded to plop himself down next to Harry. Harry looks over at the year book then smiles softly to himself, then smirks. Everyone stares, blinks, then someone coughed, then Ron spoke up. "What's with that look Harry?"

Harry looked up quickly with a slight tint of red on his cheeks. "Oh, um, hey everyone let's all say our most interesting memories that everyone else doesn't know, George you go first, you're interesting." George looking flattered threw his hand to his chest appreciatively. "Well if you really wish to know, I suppose I'll tell you, when I was in my fourth year I happened to spot the most disgusting sight of my life, and you know what I did, I took a picture!" James and Teddy snuck in and sat themselves behind George's chair.

"You see children, when I was a young lad I was quite the ambitious child." Ginny speaks up. "You still are ambitious." "Well if you don't grasp the greatness of my story then I won't tell you it, you ungrateful little sister!"

James springs up from his crouching position. "But I wanna hear about the Snape Porn!" Ginny's head snaps in her son's direction. "WHAT?" Neville blinks and tilts his head. "Who'd make a porn with Snape in it, George, are you a freakier guy than we thought?" Teddy leans over the side of the chair. "Yes, do you have a fetish for old Slytherin assholes?" Harry smacks Teddy in the back of the head.

George leaned back into his chair and smirks. "Well if you all wanna know what became of the Snape Porn, you all better quiet down so the magnificent George may spin his hilarious and mildly disturbing tale."

He clears his throat. "One day, after having developed my film a certain little git came across my path, flaunting about in his little green outfit, but you see, the little git had a name, though I hate to admit it, his name is Malfoy, or Draco to some, anyway that's off subject, I told him I had some naked pictures of Harry and he seemed very very eager to buy, so eager, he forgot to be suspicious of me."

Ginny pipes up again. "Why was Malfoy willing to buy nude pictures of Harry!?" George shrugged. "Well Ginny, I believe that means Malfoy has a sexual interest in your dear husband, and has had one for quite some time apparently." Harry nods. "Yeah Ginny, even Ron knew that." Ron nods as well shrugging.

George clears his throat. "So imagine the little gits face when he discovered the picture that we now all know as 'Snape Porn', well I must say, the barf on my shoes was well worth the look on his face."

Everyone stares in amazement then Neville bursts with laughter and falls to the floor giggling with his bum in the air.

Ron and company finally looked away from Neville. He stretched. "Well, my turn then, there was this one time Cedric offered me a ton of food for a picture of a naked Harry, and I was all, shit, that's easy, sure! So I got a picture of Harry from one of the camera's Hermione helped me with setting it up in the boys shower as long as she can sell the other pictures taken to her roommates." Everyone turned to Hermione.

"Well, it's good business planning, so it's still a smart thing to do." She defended herself. "Yeah, that was great food too!" George nodded in agreement. "Right you are Hermione, well then, why don't you tell a story next!"

Hermione sits there for a moment in thought then looks up. "Well there was this one time at band camp." "Hermione, third year at school, not when you were at home for the summer." She sighs. "Fine, ok there was that time that Charlie.." "EVEN CHARLIE!" "Not like that Harry, now let me finish, you see Charlie had the same brilliant plan as us, so he sent me a letter offering me 50% of the profits if I helped get him different types of nude and some clothed shots of Harry, I sent them off to him and I received the money soon after, they sold great, so for a few weeks I took more pictures of Harry, throwing in Cedric shots that were sent to America, that was why I was able to get everyone good Christmas presents that year."

Ginny prepares to present her story to the class. "Well, there was this one time when…." "Someone once asked me for a lock of Harry's hair, I giggled at the sentence, and we didn't know each other yet." She said airily.

Neville stood up and proclaimed. "The summer after third year I started selling Harry Nude shots on the streets, they sold for much better money than they would have at school!"

Harry stared with his mouth wide open. "To random people on the street, what were you doing, wearing a trench coat and going up to random weirdos?" Neville shrugged. "Not always random weirdos, sometimes weirdos we knew."

Harry turned toward Teddy and James. "You two leave the room, this one is going to scar all the people in the room, so go help make sure the other kids keep the fire away from the house and check to see if they still have eyebrows." He turns back to the others once the two have left the house. "Ok, now for the topper of our stories."

"Oh please, like it can beat mine." George waves a hand dismissively. Everyone scoots closer with strangely perked ears.

He takes a deep breath. "Ok, in third year after Quiditch practice I was very bored and for whatever reason Oliver Wood was very horny, so add that to that fact I was pretty sure someone would kill me, be it Sirius at that time or Voldemort randomly appearing again or just falling off the tall ass stair case, I decided I wouldn't die a virgin so yeah, I did Oliver Wood."

Everyone sat in silence for a good minute before Hermione pointed an accusing finger at Harry. "Harry you liar, Oliver Wood did YOU not the other way around, there is no way YOU topped HIM, Harry, no offense, but between the two of you, he'd definitely top!"

Ron sat there for a minute. "You know Harry, she's right, at that time Oliver was larger than you and probably the manlier one so yeah, I'd say he'd top ya."

"Ok, so he did top me." He said casually. George laughed. "I knew it! I knew he was gay! I kneeeeeew it! Haha, man I gotta go everyone, there's a lot of money I have to collect." He waved by to everyone and left.

Ginny stared on in disbelief. "Hermione, why are you so calm about this?" She spluttered her words. Hermione smiled. "I knew that already, I know everything about these two." She points at Ron and Harry. "Some things people should never know." She says darkly. Ginny fainted.

Harry looked down at his fainted wife. "Ok, when she wakes up, this was all a dream." Everyone nodded, except Luna. "I wanna see if she would faint again after waking like in stories."

Teddy burst into the door. "Hugo lost his eyebrows!" James popped in after. "I don't think he's gonna find them either!"

Rose runs into the room. "Scorpius and Albus are missing!" Harry smacks his forehead. "Damn history and repeating itself." Everyone stares at him.