Dead inside
No light. Only darkness.
No sound. Only silence.
No warmth. Only coldness.
No emotion. Only numbness.
It's all she feels, it's all that is left of her.
She doesn't really know where she is let alone who she is. There is only one face she remembers. Dark hair and blue eyes that are staring coldly at her, right into her soul.
"You pathetic little girl, you disappoint me, you disgust me!" This one sentence keeps surrounding her, echoing in her mind, louder and louder every time. It's just a sentence but it's all it takes to shatter what is left of her.
Screaming she wakes up. With her nightgown sticking to her sweaty skin and still panting from her nightmare, she takes in her surroundings. There are dark green covers on her bed, a chandelier hanging in the middle of the room and the moonlight shining through half-closed curtains illuminates the silver wallpaper. Slowly everything comes back to her.
Malfoy Manor. She is at Malfoy Manor. She is safe. Her name is Bellatrix Lestrange, she is at Malfoy Manor and she is safe. Her name is Bellatrix Lestrange, she is at Malfoy Manor and she is safe. Her name is Bellatrix Lestrange… Like a prayer she repeats it over and over again.
It wasn't the first time that she had woken up like that, disoriented and in panic. Nightmares are waking her up every night, always the same one though. Her deepest fears brought to life. Night after night she has to go back to that dreadful place, to coldness, hunger, loneliness. Although these aren't the reasons for her screams, it's the knowledge of having disappointed him that gets to her most.
Slowly she pulls back the covers and stands up. The coldness of the floor under her bare feet sends shivers over her whole body, as she makes her way over to the bathroom. Breathing heavily she leans on the sink and stares into the mirror in front of her.
Dead eyes, hollow cheeks, a way too prominent jaw and greying hair. It's all that's left of her. The beauty she once had been destroyed by years and years of rotting away in Azkaban. Her body now only a shell for the ghost she has become.
Rage starts to cloud her vision. Hatred towards the Potter brat, Dumbledore, the ministry, but mostly herself. She still can't be anything but ashamed of herself. Ashamed of letting down the only person who had ever mattered to her.
Her Lord. Her master. Her love.
Disgusted with herself and what has become of her, she smashes the mirror with such force that it sends splinters of glass flying around the whole room. Now she can see herself like she is feeling inside, completely and utterly broken. Blood is dripping from her hand onto the white floor leaving traces as she backs up against the wall behind her and collapses into a sobbing mess.
Her whole body is shaking with sobs now and even though she feels weak and pathetic because of it she can't stop them. Oddly, something of her old self seems to come back to her and finally she doesn't hold anything back anymore.
She is all alone, no one is there to judge her, no one can see what has become of the former warrior.
A soft knock on the door gets lost in her storm of feelings. The door opens and a dark silhouette slips into the room, but still, Bellatrix is too caught up to notice.
Just as two strong arms grab her and pull her up to her feet does she realise that she is not alone anymore. Startled she looks up and finds herself staring into two red eyes that are fixed to her tear stained face. The Dark Lord.
Rather than being afraid, a feeling of safety comes over her. Suddenly she can't stop herself from throwing herself into his arms and sobs even harder, completely forgetting her place.
Surprisingly, she isn't pushed back or cursed, but the Dark Lord pulls her even closer stroking her hair soothingly. It's the first time since her escape from Azkaban that he allows her near him and it's the first time she feels alive again.