On the Misinterpretations of Information Overheard in Hallways After Curfew
A/N: if that title didn't already staple it this is completely humor! It is absolutely ridiculous. Some of the characters may seem OOC… they are meant to be! Please don't complain to me about the bad humor… I don't write humor fic…
Also, please note, there is reference to bondage intercourse between two male characters...
Deal with it... if I get one complaint I will hulkify!
Enough about that,
ONWARDS!
Chapter 1
You know… It astounds me how much of an idiot Hermione can be… here I am, sitting in the court room chair listening to people shout back and forth about whether or not I'm innocent.
Whoa!
That jinx almost hit me! Bloody hell!
And all because Hermione was worried about me… honestly if she had just asked…
I'm sorry, you're probably very confused right now… I mean it confuses me when I think about it. Here, I'll start at the beginning.
I was walking down the hallway to the dungeons with a goofy grin. Today was our anniversary. Now I know he isn't really into all the mushy stuff that couples usually engage in. We have a very heavy dark relationship. Something filled with passion and 'free of frivolous public displays of affection or misty eyed maudlin'. A secret forbidden romance all about domination and touching. I wouldn't have it any other way though. He made me feel things I'd never felt before. Now for our anniversary I had planned to dispel one final fear. You see since out relations had started he insisted that after I had had my fill of him I would move on to a younger more exciting man who could keep up with me better then he could. It really surprised me just how insecure he was underneath all those layers. It took me a month just to get him to understand that I saw nothing wrong with his looks. So I had gotten a piece of evidence to express to him just how much he really meant to me. Just as always I stood in front of the hidden door and muttered the password and slipped into his personal quarters. There he was leaned over a large pile of papers quill scratching away at the poor first years confidence with a red sheen so like blood. I shuddered in anticipation and slowly snaked my arms around his neck. The sigh and release of tension I feel every time I do this always makes me feel so empowered. He turned his head and I stole a kiss with a smile. It was then that he grabbed my left arm. I hissed in pain and drew my arm to my chest rubbing the soreness lightly. He was frowning at me in confusion.
"What's wrong, did you strain your arm?" I smiled slyly and rolled up my sleeve. Showing off my latest addition I was confused to see him pale drastically before he clutched my arm closer to his face. After a few seconds he blinked a visibly sighed in total relief before he looked back up at me with a glare.
"That was decidedly a joke of bad taste Harry, for a second I thought…" I frowned in confusion.
"What joke? It's your initials, see?" I traced the two letters that were sensuously intertwined on my arm to emphasize the fact. He blanched again.
"Are you mad?! It's real!?" I frowned at his panic.
"Of course it's real! I wanted to give you something special!"
"You have to get that thing removed or covered up or something!"
"What!? Why?!"
"because, for one thing if it were discovered you had my initials plastered on your arm there would be inquires, I could lose my job, or my life, and for that matter so could you, as for the second, it looks very… incriminating." I stared at him in confusion.
"What the bloody hell are you taking about?" he stared at like I was mad.
"Wait you can't, oh for Merlin's sake come here!" he proceeded to drag me through his bedroom to the bathroom. There he twisted my arm to reveal the tattoo to the mirror and instructed me to squint even a fraction.
Then I saw it.
Because to anyone who didn't know what it was or didn't look at it closely
It looked like I had taken the Dark Mark.
And so it began, the series of events that led to this absolutely ridiculous day in a chair in a courtroom on level two of the Ministry of Magic listening to people debate whether or not I was a Death Eater, whether or not Dumbledore was plotting the end of the world, whether or not Severus Snape was a spy and why I owned a riding crop. It really comes down to a whole bunch of small but important things.
If Professor Merrifoot hadn't set Ron as my sparring partner
If I hadn't accidentally taken the wrong set of robes
If Mary Thorpkins hadn't made me catch the snitch with my left hand
If I hadn't craved a muffin
If Hermione hadn't started following me around at night
If I hadn't forgotten my invisibility cloak
If I hadn't tried to remove it myself
If I hadn't trusted Blaise Zabini
If I hadn't seen that bloody sign
If I hadn't fallen in love with my potions professor
It there hadn't been a war going
If I hadn't been bloody born!
None of this would have every happened…
But I digress it not entirely my fault. After all the reason I'm here is because Hermione was overly worried and Cornelius Fudge is a paranoid bastard. Still I'm sitting here, it's been going on for almost three hours now, in chains and they can't even decide whether I'm under arrest or not! They're too busy debating whether they should go arrest Dumbledore and Severus as well or if they could proceed meanwhile I'm sitting here wondering if this is at all legal. They certainly haven't been paying attention to me. Were it not for the chains I'd probably have walked out without any trouble.
"Potter! Please stand!" oh so they're starting then. Alright. "Are you Harry James Potter?"
"Yes sir."
"And you are here of your own mind?"
"ye… wait what? Are you… are you asking me if I'm under the Imperius curse?"
"Are you?"
"…what? Okay for one thing, if I were I wouldn't say yes! The main point is that I've been able to throw off the Imperius curse for three years now!"
"Oh, yes, right it's here in your file." This is already a joke.
"You are aware of what your charges are?"
"No sir, the charges weren't listed… is this legal?"
"You are charged with resisting arrest, blackmail,"
"What blackmail!?"
"Treachery,"
"Wait, what blackmail!"
"And being a Death Eater under the service of You-Know-Who."
"What blackmail!"
"We have evidence Mr. Potter, testimony from several witnesses. We also are debating a charge of torture via Cruciatus curse."
"WWWWHHHAAAATTT!"
"Why do you own that riding crop but for torture!"
"HOW DOES THAT AUTOMATICALLY CHARGE ME WITH USING THE CRUCIATUS CURSE!"
"Answer the question!"
"I have the right to remain silent." I've been saying that all day. Damn bureaucrats can't seem to remember my own rights, might as well parrot them back at their faces.
"The first report we got was a mysterious tip from a Mr. Z, he wished his identity to be unknown, saying you threatened to murder him if he did not provide you with a dangerous poison. He claimed you were attempting to poison Albus Dumbledore under the instruction of your quote on quote, Master. This was cast aside by wizamagot as ludicrous, but with this new information surfacing we've brought it forwards again."
"What! Poison! It wasn't a poison! It was a heavy-duty cover up! That's what the bastard told me anyway! I'm pretty sure it was itching powder… that stuff never washes off by the way, it took me a month to undo his dumb prank…"
"What made you think cover up would work on a Dark Mark? The Ministry has tested all sorts of ways one could conceal a Dark Mark and they failed. "
"Actually, it covered it up fine, it was the reaction I couldn't stand…"
Blaise Zambini was nothing if not a man of opportunity. He knew how to read a market and knew how to mold it to his design. In other words, He was a common Slytherin. And so when he noticed a subtle change in a certain celebrity's attitude he jumped on the chance to use this new Harry Potter to his advantage.
"Potter!" Blaise called out from the end of a dark hallway in the dungeons. Potter froze and turned to him jerkily.
"What do you want Zambini." Now Blaise thought he knew just what was happening here, with luck he was officially on the winning side. But he had to be sure.
"Well, I simply wanted to help an ally. I would hate for certain parties to hear you haven't been doing a good job keeping it hidden." Potter paled visibly and his eyes darted around worriedly.
"How did you find about it?" Blaise remained calm on the outside, knowing what happened when these kind of people got riled up but inside he was smirking.
"Oh Potter, there's no need to worry, I'm on your side after all." Potter visibly tensed. Perhaps the idea of being watched didn't fill him with comfort.
"Well… you promise not to tell anyone?" Blaise rolled his eyes. Honestly he really should stop recruiting Gryffindors.
"Not a soul Potter." Potter looked up and down the hallway then turned back to him.
"So you'll help me with it then?"
"Certainly Potter… what do you need help with."
"Isn't obvious, I need something to get rid of it." Potter murmured quietly
"Wait what?"
"Well it's not as if I can walk around with it bare. What if someone sees it, you must know it's… incriminating."
"Of course it's bloody incriminating Potter, what, did you think it was gonna look impressive and dangerous, gonna woo young Gryffindors with it?"
"Merlin how did I think this was a good idea… I've probably taken one too many curses to the head… or I need a new prescription." Potter took the offending glasses off and polished them.
"You can't just get rid of it Potter, cover it up maybe…"
"Anything will be fine until I figure something out… I'm sure HE and I can figure something out... I'll have to talk to HIM tonight at the meeting…" Potter muttered more to himself then Blaise.
Then it hit Blaise square in the face.
Potter and the Dark Lord were a team.
Maybe even equals!
Wow…
"Erm… well I think I know something… but… can I see it? You know, just to see it." Blaise asked with a touch of reverence. Harry rolled his eyes.
"What picking up bloody patterns, just a tip. Don't get a tattoo on your left arm… ever." Harry said as he rolled up his sleeve. Blaise's breath hitched as he took in the brand. Then he frowned. But he didn't make any inclination that he knew anything was wrong. It wasn't until Potter had rolled up his sleeve again and made some grumble about next week that Blaise stopped to think. There was something off about Potter's mark. It looked almost gnarled. Perhaps it was a special. Blaise shook his head and went about getting something to help Potter out.
"So you were in league with the man who left the tip! He must be a Death Eater as well!"
"No no! he's not a Death Eater… just a dark sympathizer… or a winning side sympathizer… he only really cares about whether or not he wins… pretty much he thought if I was on his side then he was winning and he offered to help me out" this fact is blatantly clear. Zambini wouldn't stick his head out of his shell unless he's sure that the nukes aren't falling "fat lot it did though…"
"What is that?"
"Isn't that obvious, it didn't hide the bloody thing just made it sore!" really this idiot shouldn't be up there, he has no common sense.
"So you're sure this will work?" Blaise rolled his eyes. Really Potter was pretty paranoid for a Gryffindor.
"I don't know if it'll work or not Potter, that's what I've been trying to explain to you this whole time… I mean… try it out but…" Blaise shrugged weakly.
"Alright, here's hoping… man I really didn't need this mess right now… I mean everyone is on my case…" Potter said with a noticeably tense posture.
"About what?" Blaise asked
"Are you crazy… they all want me to save them you know… they think I'm the only one that can off him…" Blaise blanched noticeably.
"Wait! You don't mean… Dumbledore?!"
"yeah… he's been really tough on me lately… keeping this hidden has been impossible… but I don't want to let anyone down you know… they're all counting on me… HE'S counting on me… I want to see him happy again… it's been so long… I've seen HIM happier… but not happy…" Blaise was getting more and more nauseous as this went on. Were potter and the Dark Lord lovers?! Blaise cleared his throat and stood.
"I gotta go Potter." To a loo and throw up Blaise thought. Potter nodded and stood extending his hand. Blaise took it and gave a quick shake. Potter smiled and turned away.
"Thanks again mate." He called back before he left the dark of the dungeons. When he left Blaise gagged into his mouth and flapped his arms widely.
"That is sick! I mean… man Potter you've got issues." Blaise muttered he retched and staggered in the direction of the common room.
"Wait… are you and the Dark Lord lovers?!"
"NO! GODS NO! MAN THAT IS SICK! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!" oh gods I'm gonna throw up… I mean the very idea is gross with the scales and the lack of hair and urp… I'm gonna be sick! Bucket! I need a bucket! Before I-
Ugh… too late.
A/N: and so it begins. the sorid tale of miss understanding and chaos all surmounting in the arrest and trial of harry potter...
this may seem like it's all over the place but their is some point to it all
I watched the deathly hallows part 2 a few days ago…
( as a side note Books watched it a few days previous and called Severus Harry's mum in front of her family… ha…)
When I watched it I accidentally watched THE MOST AWKWARD AND CREEPY HUG EVER WITNESSED IN THE WORLD!
*shudders*
Hold me… waaaaaAAAAHHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME CREEP! *flails about manically before holds self and rocks back and forth*
Anyways that is where my sick mind conjured up the idea of Blaise Zambini thinking that Harry is in a relationship with Voldemort while Harry thinks that Blaise thinks that he's in a relationship period…
Oh… and Blaise thinks that Harry has been tasked with killing Dumbledore… he's also only helping because he thinks Harry is a Death Eater…
Oh Harry… never get a tattoo… ever!
please review... you all asked for this after all ;)
-TheTranfiguredCanary