All characters from the The Young Ones series belong to Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer. (I'm just borrowing them...)
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STARVATION
(The kitchen; NEIL is standing on a chair and carefully examining the contents of the cupboard. RICK enters and looks at the dining table, which is scattered with empty cornflake boxes.)
RICK
Neil?
NEIL
Yeah?
RICK
Where's breakfast?
NEIL
I'm looking for it.
RICK
Looking for it? What are you doing, playing hide and seek with your lentils? (snorts)
NEIL
No, no, Rick, there's no food left, man. I can't find anything edible in the whole house, except for this apple. (reveals something that looks more like a green tennis ball)
RICK
That's a tennis ball, Neil!
NEIL
That's what you'd think, but it was an apple last week.
(VYVYAN comes sliding down the stairs very noisily, still in his bed.)
RICK
Oh, that's just great, Vyvyan! And where would it all end if we all took our beds into the living room like that?
VYVYAN
I had some trouble getting up, alright?
RICK
Trouble getting up? Oh, that must have been a disappointment for the girl you were with! Oh, wait! You weren't with a girl! Because no girl is stupid enough to want to sleep with you, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN
Shut up, virgin!
RICK
Right, that's enough!
(RICK walks over to VYVYAN, waving his fists about threateningly. VYVYAN reaches between the blankets and reveals a huge wooden log, which he hits RICK on the head with. RICK falls down.)
NEIL
Vyvyan, what do you keep that huge wooden log in your bed for, man?
VYVYAN
I put it there so I can use it when there's a burglar!
RICK
(still on the floor, but sticking his head up over VYVYAN's blanket) Or maybe he's trying to compensate for something! (snorts)
(VYVYAN gives the log a good swing and smashes RICK over the head again.)
NEIL
Okay guys, peace, okay? It's really uncool to start the day like this, you know. It's like, bad karma, you know? And there aren't any lentils left either…
VYVYAN
What, no lentils?
NEIL
Yeah, I know, man. It's really heavy. And we haven't got any money left either. Maybe Mike's got an idea, you know...
(MIKE enters through the hole in the ceiling and lands on top of VYVYAN.)
VYVYAN
Hey! Do you mind?! Pervy!
MIKE
What's this bed doing here, Vyv?
RICK
(emerging again) He had trouble getting up! (snorts)
VYVYAN
kicking RICK in the face with his boot) Shut up! It's not funny anymore, Rick! It wasn't even funny in the first place! Nobody gets your stupid jokes, okay?!
(RICK emerges again, with a dirty reddish footprint in the middle of his face, blinking his eyes.)
RICK
Well, alright then, Vyvyan, if it makes you feel any better…
VYVYAN
You certainly won't feel any better if you go on with it!
NEIL
Hey guys, what are we going to do about this no money and no food business, okay? Because, you know, we're gonna starve, like, to death if we don't eat anything, right?
MIKE
So it's basically this: we don't have money and we don't have food.
RICK
Yes, that's it! So what do we do?
MIKE
If you had a brilliant mind like Mike the-cool-person, you would have found a solution for that already, Rick.
VYVYAN
What, you mean you know what to do?
MIKE
You're a fast learner, Vyv.
NEIL
So what is it, Mike?
MIKE
We simply eat what we can eat, only it has to be things that don't cost us any money!
RICK
Yeah, like… (looks around the room) Like SPG! (runs over to the hamster cage and grabs it)
VYVYAN
You leave Special Patrol Group alone! (starts chasing RICK around the room)
NEIL
Hey, Rick, I thought you were a vegetarian, man!
RICK
(stops running) Of course I am, Neil! I'm just doing it to annoy Vyvyan! (snorts)
VYVYAN
(seizing the hamster cage) Right, I've had enough of this! (hits Rick over the head with the cage; SPG is thrown from the cage by the blow and hits the cupboard door with a squelchy sound)
SPG
(slowly sliding down the cupboard) Thank God for vegetarians… (falls to the floor)
VYVYAN
Now look what you've done! (picks SPG up from the floor) Poor SPG!
RICK
I didn't do anything to him! You hit me with the cage, Vyvyan!
VYVYAN
Well, you shouldn't have touched the cage in the first place, should you?
RICK
Well, I think it's your fault!
NEIL
Erm, guys…
VYVYAN
It's not!
RICK
It is!
VYVYAN
It's bloody bloody bloody not!
NEIL
Guys…
RICK
It flipping flipping flipping is!
VYVYAN
Say it's your fault!
RICK
No!
VYVYAN
Right, I warned you…
RICK
(to camera) For what?
(VYVYAN stuffs SPG down RICK's trousers; SPG is obviously hungry.)
RICK
(dancing about) Aaaaaaargh!
MIKE
Come on, Vyv!
NEIL
Oh, no, man! That's too cruel, man! Uncool!
VYVYAN
What d'you mean?!
NEIL
Well, you know, Rick has had those trousers for years, right? SPG could get ill or something, man.
VYVYAN
Oh yeah, that's right, that was a bit inconsiderate of me. (pulls SPG from RICK's trousers with a loud plop and puts him back in the cage)
RICK
(with a huge red stain down the front of his trousers) Hah! Well, right.
VYVYAN
(sweetly) Now, whose fault was it?
RICK
(hardly audible) M-mine.
VYVYAN
(ear-splittingly loud, in RICK's ear) What's that now?!
RICK
(angrily) Mine! Okay?
VYVYAN
(calmly and contently) Yes, okay.
MIKE
Right, so let's sort out this food thing.
NEIL
Well, yeah, there is this apple, of course. (holds up the tennis ball)
RICK
It's a tennis ball, Neil!
MIKE
Mike the-cool-person agrees with you on this one, Rick.
NEIL
No, guys, no, honestly, it's an apple… Only it's like, in a very far stadium of development, you know.
VYVYAN
What, you mean it's completely rotten and covered in fungus?
NEIL
Yeah.
RICK
Well, I still think it's a tennis ball.
MIKE
And I don't eat tennis balls or fungus, so be my guest.
NEIL
I don't want it either, man. I mean, I regard this apple as a living thing, you know.
MIKE
And why is that?
NEIL
Well, because it crawled from this side of the shelf to that side in a few days time. If you look really closely, you can see things moving about on it, man, it's really cool… (squints his eyes at the tennis ball)
VYVYAN
Oh, come on, stop being all girly about it! (grabs the tennis ball and bites it)
TENNIS BALL
Damn! Looks like my disguise didn't work…
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...to be continued.