Author's Note: The companion piece to "My Raven, My Love'! Please read "My Raven, My Love' before reading this. It will help you understand the story better.
So that's all the administrative stuff done. I have nothing else to say... so just read, review, and enjoy!
Yours faithfully,
severussnape922
PS. By the way, this is also a sort of sequel to my other story, "The Christmases of the Hogwarts Teachers".
Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. I earn no profit from writing this.
Legend
'word': speech
'word': actions, description
Interviewers: Welcome to yet another episode of 'The Educated Egret'! Last week, we covered on the teachers of Hogwarts. This week, we are going to ask some pets of the Hogwarts staff and students about their opinions of their owners... so sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!
Wisteria Windplume, Severus Snape's uhh... pet raven: Me? A mere pet!? (Wisteria puffs out and bristles her feathers alarmingly and in a very menacing manner. The interviewers back away from the raven damn fast.) Clean out your ears and listen! I am not a pet raven! I am the familiar of Severus Snape! Remember that, you morons! (Preens her soft and silky feathers indignantly.)
You want my response on how I feel about Severus? Well... (ponders over the question carefully.) He is a great man, always taking exceptional care of me, and always showering his undying love for me on me. I can safely say that I am one of the only animals that Severus actually cares about from the bottom of his heart. I am proud of that achievement. He also always buys for me premium meat. Not the frozen kind, but the fresh kind.
(Suddenly, something inside her seems to break and she snaps irritatedly at us) I have already answered your questions, bozo. So scoot double quick! (Clacks her beak with a dangerous light in her obsidian eyes.) Oh yes... Severus has not fed me lunch yet. So, will you spare me a bit of your wonderful lunch? (Eyes one of the interviewer's lunch(roast beef) with a different glint in her eyes. The interviewers run for it. You do know the saying, "A hungry man is an angry man.", don't you?)
Fawkes, Albus Dumbledore's pet phoenix: My master, Albus Dumbledore? I love him! He always takes extraordinary care of me. Probably a result of being a rare and beautiful phoenix. (Smiles at you charmingly.) By the way, I see Albus coming to fetch me already. So I only have one thing to ask of you: Do you have a lemon drop? (The interviewers looked positively bufuddled by Fawkes's weird request. In actual fact, Fawkes has more things in common with his master Albus than he lets on. For example, their strange and eccentric taste in sweets.)
Mrs Norris, Argus Filch's pet cat: (A limping cats glares at Wisteria, then screams in annoyance) Why does that thick-headed jerk of a bird gets to speak before me?! Cats are clearly and obviously superior to stupid little birds! (Glares murderously at Wisteria, who is presently sticking out her tongue at Mrs Norris.)
Anyway... my servant, Argus Filch always treats me well. I have grown to be marginally more affectionate towards him ever since he saved me from the clutches of death caused by that bird! (Mrs Norris's nostrils flare as she stares at Wisteria, who is presently sneering at Mrs Norris.)
Why do I call Argus my servant instead of my owner? It is because cats are their own masters, not a single person can control the cat's free mind. Have you never heard of the book, The Cat That Walked By Himself, by Rudyard Kipling? You must be simply terrible! (Leers disdainfully at the interviewer) Another reason why I like the author is because 'Kipling' sounds like 'kippers' to me. Delicious!
An unidentified tabby cat with spectacle-like markings around her eyes that looks singularly prickly: I am not a pet cat! I am Minerva McGonagall, Transfiguration Professor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! (The cat then stalks off, her tail held high.)
Hedwig, Harry Potter's snowy owl: I like my master Harry, but what really irks me is the treatment I get during summer. I always get locked up in a cage and I never get a chance to stretch my wings. I simply hate it! Also, I only get horrible food that is not even fit for a disgusting old troll! (Hedwig ruffles her feathers, clearly peeved.) Once, I even got soggy canned vegetables. I don't even eat soggy vegetables. (Hedwig drops her voice to a low monotone and speaks) At least, I've never tried. I don't fancy pooping all over my cage because of a extremely bad case of diarrhea.
But enough of all that. I still love my owner no matter what, for pets love their owners unconditionally. Remember that!
Pigwidgeon, Ronald Weasley's tiny pet owl: My owner? (Hops excitedly from one foot to the other.) He always gives me Owl Treats, and even though he always moan and groans about how horrible I am, I know that deep down, he loves me with all his heart and soul. Sorry, have to go! Master Ronald is yelling at me to send another parcel for him. Goodbye! (Pigwidgeon does a few circles and takes off hastily, leaving behind an extremely surprised and shocked group of interviewers in his wake. Hedwig looks on disapprovingly.)
Errol, the Weasley family's ancient pet owl: I like the Weasleys, as they always treat me well enough. What I don't like is the heavy packages I always have to carry all the way to Hogwarts, which is in Scotland, for crying out loud. Oh dear! Mistress Weasley is coming with an enormous package for me! Heeeeeeeeeeeelp! (Errol flops over and faints, exhausted by the effort that he has spent speaking with the interviewers.)
Interviewer Mandy: We are sorry that we cannot show Hermes's, Percy Weasley's pet screech owl, opinion of Percy, but his monotonous droning has a strangely soporific effect that is even worse than Professor Binns, History of Magic Professor. All the other fellow interviewers are already sleeping. (*Yawns widely)
Fang, Rubeus Hagrid's pet boarhound: (*Wrooooof? Slobbers his wet and sticky tongue over the interviewers, not saying a single remotely coherent word.)
A certain overgrown vampire bat that seems to have an angry scowl on its face: What the... (mutters a few dark curses under his breath) I am Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts, not a pet! Now, get out of the way fast, or I will be tempted to sink these lovely fangs into you. Wisteria! Attack! (The interviewers dash off, with Wisteria the raven and Severus Snape the vampire bat hot on their heels. They only return thirty minutes later, covered with deep scratches and wounds.)
Crookshanks, Hermoine Granger's pet cat: (Crookshanks does not reply. He is concerning himself with chasing Wisteria in mad circles.)
Interviewers: So that's all, folks. Stay tuned to the next episode of 'The Educated Egret'! Now, we need to find some bandages for this wounds. Jump to it, Mandy!