Kyon slammed his glass down and heaved a heavy sigh. The bartender was at the other side of the bar, leaning over and flirting with a pretty busty girl. Drunken giggles and occasional yells of victory from the pool table in the corner echoed around the tavern. He sighed. Happy birthday indeed.
Kyon wasn't quite sure how he'd ended up wedged between Yuki and Itsuki in a bar on his eighteenth birthday (perhaps the alcohol was messing with him already) but he wasn't really complaining. This was his birthday celebration – getting completely plastered at the local tavern. He'd invited Haruhi and Mikuru, but neither of them could make it. Haruhi stated she had private business to attend to, and apparently Mikuru had to contact classified information to make sure that classified information was going ahead in classified information months. But Kyon decided he could have a good time without them, and so he went to a tavern with an esper and an alien.
Itsuki actually turned out to be a good, sympathetic drinking buddy, in the presence of whom he could moan and complain all he wanted and Itsuki would whole-heartedly agree. Kyon decided that yes, he did like the esper after all, especially when he was very drunk and splayed across the bar, kicking his legs and attempting to sing the English national anthem to the barmaid. This was very amusing seeing as he didn't speak English.
As for Yuki; it was just interesting to see her face grow pinker and pinker with each drink she downed.
As the other two finished their drinks, Kyon lifted his head from his arms (whoa – how did it get there?) and looked at Itsuki. He had apparently finished serenading the barmaid, who was now slowly backing away from him, looking like she was faced with an angry tiger.
"'Nother?" he slurred.
Itsuki let out a merry laugh and passed out on the bar. A random middle aged dude in the background started screaming for no apparent reason.
"Whadda hell?" said Kyon, swivelling round and falling off of his stool.
"Ahahaha, you fell down," giggled Yuki.
"Whassamatter wid dat guy ov'r dar?" mumbled Kyon. He attempted to re-seat himself, but instead ended back on the sticky floor.
"Sounds like," Yuki mused, "He's being mauled by six starving angry tigers and a grizzly bear whilst lying in a swimming pool of vinegar with My Heart Will Go On playing in the background."
Kyon chuckled. "Yeahhh."
Itsuki regained consciousness all of a sudden and beamed at the two of them. "Ding!" he cried.
"Ding?" said Yuki.
"It's the sound of me getting an idea," Itsuki explained.
"So whassda idea?" said Kyon. He made no more effort to get off the floor.
Itsuki grinned.
AN HOUR LATER
Itsuki blinked. The three of them were lying in a pile of mud on the ground.
"Ahahaha, we fell down," giggled Yuki.
After the leaving the bar, the three of them decided, for some reason, that it was a good idea to go cow tipping. It seemed like the perfectly logical thing to do at the moment, but now they were down on their arses and deep in cow shit, Kyon doubted it was very logical at all.
"That one...didn't want to be tipped, I guess," said Itsuki. He clambered to his feet and helped the other two up. Then, suddenly, he dinged again.
"What now?" said Yuki.
"We should, like, go to my house and play Pictionary!" Itsuki declared, clapping his hands like an excited schoolgirl.
"YESH!" Kyon cried.
"But we're all muddy-ddy-ddy," said Yuki.
"We can all wear my clothes," said Itsuki. He did a little dance in the mud and punched the air. "SO FUN, LIKE."
THIRTY SEVEN MINUTES LATER
All three of them sat in a circle around the Pictionary board. They'd all three stuck their heads under the kitchen tap in the apartment and changed into Itsuki's clothes. They were slightly too tight for Kyon and much too big for Yuki, but it was better than being nude or muddy.
Kyon looked over the board and grinned; he was going to win!
Itsuki reached for the sand timer, a malicious grin spreading across his face. Kyon noticed and slapped his hand away, making Itsuki howl and cower away.
"Noob, it's Yuki's go," he scolded. He turned to Yuki with a courteous smile. "Yuki."
She nodded. "Yes." She picked up the timer, made an O-shape with her lips and began to push it into her mouth.
"GO, GO, GO!" Itsuki egged her on.
When the timer was completely inside her mouth, she remembered something she'd heard a while ago. Apparently it's very difficult to say the English phrase 'Fluffy Bunnies' when your mouth is full.
"Fuffee buhness," she said, and began giggling so hard that the timer fell out of her mouth.
"Dat wash EPIC," said Kyon.
"Me too, me too," Itsuki insisted.
"No, we're playing Pictionary now," said Yuki, wiping the timer and putting it back on the board.
Silence.
"How do you play Pictionary?" said Itsuki.
"No idea," said Yuki.
"Lessplay shtrip poker!" Kyon exclaimed, punching the air.
"YEAH!" said Itsuki and Yuki in unison.
TEN MINUTES LATER
Itsuki had unearthed an old deck of cards, and they once again sat in a circle, holding a handful each. Kyon looked over his cards and grinned; he was going to win!
"Let's go, then," said Itsuki.
Silence.
"How do you play strip poker?" said Itsuki.
"No idea," said Yuki.
"DAAARGH!!" Kyon raged.
"I know, I know," said Yuki, bouncing on the floor excitedly. She turned to Kyon. "Do you have any sevens?!" she whispered menacingly.
Kyon gave his cards a once-over. "No!" he declared.
"TAKE OFF YOUR SOCKS!" Yuki bellowed. Kyon obliged.
Itsuki, seeming to understand, turned to Yuki and said, "Hey, Yuki, got any threes?"
"Yes," she said, handing him a three of hearts.
"Oh." Itsuki looked at the card in disappointment.
Silence.
"What now?" she asked.
"Ahno," said Kyon, kicking his bare feet merrily, "howsh aboutsh You-Key gets to ask It's-A-Key a quest-chun, and he hash to ands-swear truthfully-lly-lly?"
"That's Truth or Dare, stupid," said Itsuki.
"Shurrup," said Kyon, clamping his hands over his ears. "Imma sick o' yer conshtant a-boos."
"Let's just do it," said Yuki. "So, Itsuki, have you ever…turned into a waffle?"
"I dunno," he said, musing. "Maybe. I think I did the other day."
"Okay!" said Yuki happily. "Kyon's go."
Kyon cleared his throat importantly. "It's-A-Key. Do ya haff…any aces?"
Itsuki bowed his head. "Uhm, no, I don't."
"TAKE ORF YER DRESS!" Kyon demanded.
Itsuki whimpered and stripped off his pink, frilly dress, leaving him in his vest, boxers, socks and stilettos.
HALF AN HOUR LATER
Kyon, Itsuki and Yuki were still in their circle. Yuki was in her underwear and socks, Kyon still had his shirt, vest and briefs, and Itsuki was down to his boxers.
"Got any…Queens?" Yuki asked him menacingly.
Itsuki howled. "IT'S NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"
"TAKE THEM OFF!" Yuki roared.
"Dun wanna!!" Itsuki cried.
"ORF!" Kyon supplied.
"No-ho-ho!!" Itsuki sobbed. He jumped up and ran to the bathroom, flinging himself into his bath tub. "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"
"YES I CAN!" Yuki challenged. "JUST WATCH ME!"
She got up and ran after him, and Kyon remained seated and dozed off as Itsuki screamed and kicked at Yuki from the tub.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Yuki emerged from the bathroom, holding up Itsuki's boxers up in triumph. "I AM THE MESSIAH," she claimed.
Kyon jerked awake. "Itsh nap time," he informed her gently.
"About freaken time," she said, rolling her eyes, and she promptly lay her head in Kyon's lap and fell asleep.
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
Kyon woke up in the harsh light of the rising sun, wondering how on Earth he'd gotten onto the floor. There was a nice, silky weight on his thighs, and loud snoring that echoed loudly coming from the bathroom.
His bedroom wasn't near the bathroom.
He sat up quickly.
Everything was sleek and stylish, painted a deep red with chocolate brown furniture. The aroma of vomit and booze came over him in a wave of displeasure as did the memories of last night.
He observed the alien whose head had fallen out of his lap onto the floor with a loud THUNK as he'd sat up. Her eyelids fluttered and she woke up, looked into his face with her wide, angelic eyes, hair forming a perfect halo around her head on the floor. She lifted her head and placed a gentle hand on his thigh.
And spewed all over his legs.
He sighed. Happy birthday indeed.