From the author that brought you Hero Tales,

Comes this series that won many awards and loved by everyone

But fangirls ruin it by thinking this entire thing is a crappy shojo romance when it's

Bloody fights

Gruesome transformations

Mutilation of body parts

Yeah, the stuff that makes you feel like a man or make you believe you're still one after you sit through it

This show leaves you at the edge of your seat

And made up for the first season that went off the original storyline for some reason

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST BROTHERHOOD

This is making my inner five-year old squeal at its cool name!

In an Industrial Revolution Europe, where everyone can become a steampunk cyborg or a whole body of armor or Beast Boy

Meet Edward

(Showing a clip of Edward Cullen)

No, not that Edward

Edward Elric, a prodigy in magic with a short temper when it comes to him being called "short"

His right arm and left leg are what he stole from Robocop's body

And Dante's red jacket

Meet his younger brother, Alphose Elric

He's a 14 year-old kid that is a whopping seven feet hunk of armor

Literally

There's nothing under the helmet

There goes your shining knight in armor

The two committed the greatest taboo in alchemy and that is making a human cake

Seriously, the ingredients they list in the show make it more like they were making a special cake or something

They were trying to bring their dead mom back but it all went to hell after that

Edward lost his arm and leg, and Alphonse lost his entire body

So, it literally cost an arm and a leg to bring his mom back

Actually, three arms and three legs

Sorry, I just had to do that

Their childhood friend, Winry, is Ed's mechanic

Which he bangs at the end, spoiler alert

She is a gearhead that gets an orgasm every time she sees something made of metal

And has a very abusive relationship with her two friends

Because true friends leave their friends with life-threatening injuries

Join these two brothers in a journey to find the Philosopher's Stone

A piece of red Jell-O

With the screaming heads of the people used to make it

Ugh, and I thought it was gross that Jell-O was made out of animal bones

And everyone wants a piece of that red Jell-O

Because it has the powers to do basically anything without the rules of alchemy interfering

Ed and Al want it get their bodies back to normal

But the Homun-la-blah-us

Humonculos?

Honumlios?

These guys are the incarnations of the Seven Deadly Sins and they are trying to use Ed as a sacrifice

With tattoos with a snake-dragon-thing sucking its own dick

Wrath, a guy that looks like Big Boss

Sloth, a guy that has hit the gym

That sort of defeats his own sin

Greed, an anti-hero douchebag that can turn his body into hard stuff

I bet he can turn something else into hard stuff, if you know what I mean

Gluttony, a fatass that will not stop eating s***

Pride, the oldest one and it takes the form of a little kid

Pedobear is not happy

Lust, a sexy fox that can rip out your dick in a second

And Envy, the one fangirls come to see

Oh, it's sort of kind of gay in a way

Wait, can it be gay? It's an it, so it can go either way

The Humus-coli are these creepy child molesters that for some reason want Edward

(Showing Envy)

Just so you know, this person is 175 years-old

Ugh... he's old enough to be Edward Cullen's granddad

But it's totally not creepy because fangirls thinks it's love

(Showing Lust)

Everyone is a child molester except her, I think

I don't mind her molesting me though

He, he, he, booobs...

Wait, how old is she? 250 years?! Damn it!

They come across a colorful group of characters you won't forget

Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist

The one who burns your s*** up

Or makes you burnt s***

And wants to make female officers wear miniskirts

I'm voting for him for whatever he's running for

Really, I want this guy for president

Riza Hawkeye, a woman sharpshooter that is basically Roy's mom

And bodyguard

But the relationship is totally professional

Alex Louis Armstrong, the Strong Arm Alchemist

That's a little obvious because of his name and...

(Clip of Armstrong during those scenes when he rips out of his shirt.)

THIS.

This man pops out of his shirt more than Taylor Lautner

Seriously, he rips his shirt off every five minutes

That's a record

He also had a hipster moustache before it was popular

Maes Hughes, the one that made the series kick off

When he died, s*** just got real

But all you could think about is him annoying you with pictures of his kid

(Showing Havoc, Breda, Furey, and Falman)

And these guys are just something that'll give you a giggle or two

Ling Yao, a racist-looking stereotype of Asian people

That will not stop eating

And mooches off Edward despite being a prince

And he knows kung-fu!

But he gets possessed by the Greed douchbag

May Chang, another Asian stereotype that knows kung fu

And alchemy

And has a pet panda that'll bite your hand off

Did I mention she's only 12?

She can fight off Pedobear if she wanted to

Solf J. Kimblee, a guy that kind of looks like an Asian Micheal Jackson

That has a serious problem with blowing up stuff

While rocking a white suit with fedora

Van Hohemheim

Hey, I got it right!

He is Ed and Al's father that left them when they were still young

He's 450 years old

Yikes, how old was his wife?

But it's totally not creepy since he looks 40

Okay, it still kind of is

When he finally comes back into Ed's life, Ed gives him a punch to the face

Don't you feel the father-son relationship healing right before you?

Watch as...

Edward breaking down every ten minutes just because someone called him short

Bright lights with crackling sounds make you have seizures

Assholes kill other assholes

So saddle up for...

Fights that involve Edward or Alphonse breaking apart

Talking during the fighting

Blood spewing out

Sudden mercy for that guy who just was trying to kill Ed

Boring alchemy stuff you just pretend to know in order to advance the plot

"Equivalent exchange" being said every single episode

I mean, are they TRYING to jam that phrase into our heads? They say it a lot of f***ing times!

Another obstacle stands in Ed's way, and that is a man named Scar

Because of his scar that has an angsty story behind it

Who has a mind-blowing tattoo on his right arm

See what I just did there?

He is pissed at every State Alchemist for killing his people

So he blows their brains out

Luckily for Ed, the Humus-coli guys stalled the guy and he is somewhere else

But that is not enough

The main villain will rise and that is...

(Showing Father)

This guy that thinks he's god

Just like Aizen

He's immortal

Just like Aizen

He considers his creations his children

Just like Aizen

He has a thing for the main character

Just like Aizen

Moving on...

Edward will have to face him and put a stop to his plan

This series is pretty old, so pretty much everyone knows what happened anyway

Starring...

Grumpy Cat (Edward)

A Gundam (Alphonse)

Wendy's (Winry)

Miles Edgeworth (Roy)

Samus from Meteroid (Riza)

Hulk Hogan (Armstrong)

Isshin Kurosaki (Hughes)

China from Hetalia (Ling Yao)

Kagura from Gintama (May)

Jazz Hands (Kimblee)

Uncle Oscar (Hohemheim)

Yasutora Sado if his weapon was a bit more deadly (Scar)

BOOBS (Lust)

A palm tree (Envy)

Bowflex commercial (Sloth)

Hitler (Wrath)

Paula Deen (Gluttony)

Skinny Grimmjow (Greed)

It's a trap! (Pride)

Grumpy Old Dad (Father)

And...

Super Vaginas (Father's true form)

HALF-METAL MAGICIANS BROTHERHOOD