"Rise and shine, Marauders!"
With a flick of her wand, Lily Evans has blown every curtain in the boys' dormitory wide open, an assault of sunshine streaming through the diamond paned windows. The sleeping boys groan in unison.
"Fuck, Evans," James yelps upon seeing her, yanking his duvet up to his chin to cover his bare chest.
"Jesus Christ," Sirius mutters, and grabs his pillow from underneath him to put it on top of his head. "Prongs, control your woman," comes his muffled voice from beneath the pillow.
Lily aims her wand at him and sends the pillow flying across the room. He sits up and scowls at her.
"Morning, Lily," Remus groans and sits up, shielding his eyes with his forearm, sandy hair ruffled and sticking up in all directions.
"Morning," Peter squeaks, cheeks pink and sitting cross legged, his duvet bunching around his middle and wearing a Tornado's Quidditch team t-shirt.
"Morning, boys," she says, visibly more friendly to them than Sirius and James.
"What happened to privacy?" James is now upright as he squints at her and uses one hand to scrabble around on his bedside cabinet for his glasses.
"Oh don't flatter yourselves," she says pointedly.
"What the fuck are you even doing in here?!" Sirius asks.
"It's 11am on a beautiful day, and you four are in here nursing your hangovers. Get out of bed," she does a circuit of the small room, her wand flicking empty Firewhiskey bottles into the bin and stray socks and t-shirts into trunks as she goes. "God, you lot live in squalor."
"No one asked you to come in here and pass judgement," Sirius mutters.
"Padfoot, don't be rude," Remus yawns and rubs at his eyes.
"Merlin, Remus," Lily frowns, coming closer to his bed and peering into his face. "You look bloody awful."
She's not wrong. His eyes are sunken with dark rings and he gives her a tired smile. "And a very good morning to you, too," he says.
She straightens up and addresses all of them. "Get dressed," she demands. "I want the four of you in the common room in twenty minutes."
"Why?" Sirius groans. "Are you gonna makes us do homework and crack the whip if we stop writing?"
Lily purses her lips and flashes him a sarcastic smile. "No. I want to spend time in the outdoors and you lot look like you need some fresh air," she turns her gaze disparagingly onto Sirius and Remus. "Especially you two."
Remus salutes her. "Be down in ten."
Lily leaves and Sirius flops back down on his mattress, groaning loudly. "I know she's, like, our best friend any everything," he says. "But she is a lot sometimes. Good job she's fit else this would get really old really quick."
"At least she's interesting," James says, stretching. "Nothing worse than a fit girl who's got nothing else going on in her head."
Remus rolls his eyes. "Would it kill either of you to use a different adjective to 'fit'? Broaden your vocabulary. Learn something new," he stands up and straightens his bed covers. "Call the girl 'radiant' or something."
"I think she's pretty," Peter pipes up.
"Thank you, Wormtail," Remus says. "Lily is pretty."
"Pretty, fit," James waves a hand. "No difference."
"Seems like that might be an indication of where you're going wrong, seeing as you're both single."
"Hark who's talking," James says in good humour. "When's the last time you had a date, hm? Don't be a nerd."
"I just have a substantial lexicon," Remus replies primly.
"Over-compensating for something there, Moony?" Sirius grins.
Remus ignores him and gets dressed. The others follow suit with more grumbling coming from Sirius and James than Peter who is dressed first and sits patiently on the edge of his bed.
"Wassup, Wormy? You're quiet this morning," Sirius drops down beside him and slings an arm around the shoulders of the shortest Marauder.
"Stop tormenting him," Remus says sharply. "You're the one who poured half a bottle of gin down his throat last night."
Sirius chuckles. "Sorry, Pete," he says.
"What if we get in trouble?" Peter asks, looking down at his fingers which are tightly knitted together in his lap. "McGonagall said she was going to expel you if you were caught doing anything else."
"Don't worry!" Sirius assures him. "She wouldn't expel Padfoot or me. She's really fond of us deep down."
"Yeah and besides," James sits the other side of him. "She wouldn't have anything to do if she expelled us. Her life would be well boring."
"But what if someone saw us sneaking the alcohol into the dorm?"
"Wormy, Remus is Head Boy. If we'd been seen, McGonagall would have already hauled him to her office by his fluffy little tail, and," here he takes a deep, performative sigh. "I don't know how to break this to you, mate. But the Invisibility Cloak really does work."
Peter gives a nervous giggle "You're right."
Sirius claps him on the back. "Let's get moving before Evans absolutely flips her lid. I don't envy you sharing a Headship with her, Moony."
Remus doesn't reply.
The four of them head downstairs to an almost empty common room. Only Lily is lounging in one of the armchairs, pale legs sprawled out and bare in her cut off denim shorts. Her sunglasses are perched on top of her head holding back her hair.
"Christ, your legs are actually blinding me," Sirius pretends to shield his eyes.
Lily aims a kick at him as he passes her.
"Took you lot long enough," she says, standing and shaking out her t-shirt.
"Evans, it's literally been twelve minutes," James looks at his watch.
"Remus promised me ten."
"Guilty," Remus holds up his hands.
"Let's go!" She jumps up and skips to the portrait hole, slipping through with ease.
The boys follow her through and they make their way down to the empty Entrance Hall and out into the grounds where the air is thick with heat and excited student chatter.
"How's that hangover?" Lily asks pointedly as the four marauders squint in unison at the bright sunlight.
"Don't start," Sirius mutters.
Smirking, Lily leads them to the lake and drops down on the sandy beach with a content sigh, kicking her legs out and leaning back on her palms. The boys flop down around her, Remus to one side, Sirius the other, and James and Peter in front.
Lily tips her head up to the sun, closing her eyes and letting the rays pour over her face and Remus makes a concerted effort not to look at her.
"So," Lily sits up properly. "How are we all feeling?"
"Not the best," Peter admits, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Surprisingly chipper," James says.
"Like hell," Sirius grumbles. "Gimme your sunglasses, Evans."
"No, buzz off," she ducks her head away from him.
"Awh, please," he whines. "You're not even using them."
James flicks his wand and the glasses rise off the top of her head and onto Sirius' nose, mildly askew.
"Hey!" Lily says indignantly.
Sirius grins and pushes them on straight. "Much better," he says. "Cheers Prongs."
"Anytime, mate."
With a huff, Lily turns to Remus. "You're being very quiet," she says gently.
"Hard to be heard over those two," Remus says.
He's not wrong as James and Sirius begin to bicker over who should wear the sunglasses. "You'd be blind in them, you idiot," Sirius says, one hand covering them to keep them on his face and the other batting away James. "You can't see shit without your own glasses."
"Yeah but I'd suit them better," James retorts. "Don't make me use my wand on you."
"Will you two cut it out for the love of Merlin," Lily says tiredly. "I brought you out here for wholesome family content in the sunshine. Not to listen to you flirt with each other like we do every single day."
"Makes a change from listening to him flirt with you," Sirius mutters.
"What was that?"
"Absolutely nothing."
Ignoring him, Lily leans back on her palms again with her eyes closed and face up. Remus looks at her profile – the one he's already memorised – and looks away again quickly. Even in his peripheral she seems to glow.
Lily has entered into a conversation with Peter about their Charms essays, but behind their backs without anyone seeing, Remus feels the pressure on his little finger of her own interlocking his. She squeezes twice. He swallows hard and squeezes back.
Neither of their faces register this secret communication.
When Remus glances at James who is now lounging on his side, he feels a pull in his belly. Is it guilt? Remus isn't quite sure.
"When am I taking you on another date then, Evans?" James says, lifting a hand to rumple his hair.
She coolly raises eyebrow. "Can you really call two study sessions and me taking you to the Hospital Wing 'dates'?"
James remains cheerful. "Well you did bring flowers to the hospital that day and you sat with me for a drink."
"I had pumpkin juice, and you had Skelegrow."
"You had a nice time, did you not?"
Lily clears her throat. The finger locked around Remus' loses grip ever so slightly and he feels ice in his stomach despite the heat.
"I suppose I did," she finally replies nonchalantly.
James looks victorious. "So tonight, then? At 8?"
"I've got patrol."
Sirius sucks in air through his lips. "Oooh, rejection," he jibes, digging his elbow into James' ribs. "That one must hurt, Prongs. She's throwing you over for a night with Moony."
"That's if Moony manages to stay awake," James says. "Look at him. The boy is a wreck."
"I am still here, right?" Remus says, not without an edge. "You can see me being here whilst you talk about me?" He sits forward, pulling his hand away from Lily and using it to run through his hair. In his peripheral, he sees her flash him a poorly disguised look of hurt.
"So why did you lot decide to get absolutely roaring drunk then?" Lily asks. She sits cross-legged and gathers up her hair into a topknot that she secures with her wand.
James shrugs. "It was a Friday night, what else? Why – you jealous you didn't get an invite?"
"A little," she admits.
Sirius clicks his fingers. "And now it suddenly makes sense why you're punishing us with a rude awakening and dragging us all out here."
Lily rolls her eyes.
"Sorry, Lils," James says genuinely. "It was really stupid. You'd have hated it."
"I can have fun, too," she says indignantly.
James laughs. "'Course you can. But I promise you'd be thanking me if you knew that we'd got Sirius to strip naked and run down the Seventh Floor corridor."
Lily makes a face.
"Don't act like that doesn't fire up a fantasy, Evans," Sirius winks and nudges her.
"I've never met anyone with a bigger ego," she says.
He places a hand on his chest. "You flatter me."
"God, I'm starving," James complains, holding his belly. "Pete, you hungry?"
"A little," Peter admits.
"Moony? Prongs?"
"Famished," Sirius says.
"Absolutely," Remus replies.
"Evans?"
Lily shrugs. "I could eat."
"Shall we have lunch and then head into Hogsmeade? It's perfect weather for a Butterbeer."
"Sounds great," Lily smiles.
There's a unified sound of agreement from the other boys and they all stand, brushing sand off their legs before heading back into the cool reprieve of the castle.
In the Great Hall, they take a seat together in a tight huddle. The boys immediately reach for the black coffee whilst Lily pours them all a glass of orange juice and they thank her appreciatively. In a haze, they grab sandwiches and begin to eat with groans of joy.
"Fuuuuck," Sirius moans through a mouthful of grilled cheese. "I will never be this satisfied again."
Lily sniggers. "Pathetic."
"Let's tip a bottle of gin down your neck and see how glorious you find a cheese sandwich then."
"That would be unfair," Remus says. "Lily's the biggest lightweight I know. Two gins down and she's trying to make the Fat Lady sing a duet with her."
Sirius and James burst out laughing as Lily flushes indignantly. "Low blow, Remus," she says shaking her head with a smile.
"Sorry," he winks at her. "Couldn't resist."
Lily reaches over the table and helps herself to one of the many sandwiches piled high on the golden dishes. "What time did you lot go to sleep then?" She asks, pulling the tomatoes out of her sandwich and leaving them on the side of Remus' plate with her lips turned downwards in disdain.
"About three hours before you came marching in," Sirius says.
"Sorry not sorry," she shrugs. "You're glad you didn't miss the sunshine though, aren't you?"
"I am," Peter squeaks.
Lily flashes him a smile. "Glad to know I'm appreciated."
"I wouldn't go that far," James says. "At this point you're just performing a community service to make sure Remus sees daylight."
Remus pinches Lily on the arm and she squeals.
"Ow," she says indignantly, rubbing her arm.
"Sorry," he mutters, picking one of her discarded tomatoes up from his plate and dropping it into his mouth. "Just checking I actually am here."
"Don't be a diva," Sirius says. "We say it because we love you."
Remus huffs.
They finish lunch and head back out into the sun, beginning the walk into the small town. Eventually, they settle in the Three Broomsticks and drink their Butterbeer outside on the wrought iron furniture on the cobblestones. Remus and Lily sit side by side, thighs touching. Innocuous to a casual onlooker, but they both know better.
…
"Evening," Remus smiles as he comes down the steps into the common room to see Lily already waiting and ready for their patrol shift.
"Hello," Lily stands.
"Ready to go?"
"Sure."
They exit through the portrait hole and into the castle. Lily pulls her robes around her.
"You cold?"
She shrugs. "A little," she says.
"Do you want to grab a jumper? Or you can have mine?"
Lily giggles. "Stop fussing, I'm fine."
"Alright," Remus says. "Let me know if you change your mind."
They walk together down the candlelit hallways working down from the Seventh Floor. Their conversation is light and comfortable. Somewhere along the Fourth Floor, Remus stops.
"Shall we sit?" He gestures to the small stone bench.
Lily hums in agreement and they sit beside each other.
There's a pause.
They sit together in silence for a few minutes. It's charged and tense.
In the darkness, Remus feels the pressure of her hand on his thigh. His breathing becomes shallow and he swallows hard, feeling heat rise up his neck.
He doesn't say a word. Neither does she.
Her hand begins the familiar slide up his leg and he turns his head to where she's already waiting.
Hovering for a few seconds, Remus closes the gap and kisses her, one hand cradling the nape of her neck. Lily sighs and her body relaxes into him.
A door creaks down the corridor and the two of them jump apart, hands returning to their own space.
Remus clears his throat. The familiar pull in his belly is back.
"You're going on dates with him." It's not a question, it's a statement.
Lily doesn't answer immediately. "Yeah," she says quietly.
"You like him."
More silence. "Yeah."
"And he … he really likes you."
A sigh. "Yeah."
The silence is unbearable. Remus finds the words tumbling out of his mouths before he can even begin to contemplate the consequences. "Would it be insane for me to ask if you ever thought that –"
"That we would have been good together?" Lily finishes softly.
"I –" Remus falters. "Yeah."
She looks down and then back up to him. "Yeah. I do."
"You do?"
Lily gives a small sigh and moves closer. Her thigh presses against his and Remus tries to concentrate on counting her freckles to distract from her warmth.
"You, uh," Remus clears his throat and feels his cheeks warm. "You can't keep stringing us both along like this, Lils. Me and him. It's not fair. "
When he lifts his eyes to hers, he sees them shimmering.
Lily nods. "I know."
Remus clears his throat again to break the tension. "We'd better move on."
"Sure."
They stand and walk down the corridor, close together. The backs of their hands brush and Lily extends her fingers, tangling them with Remus'.
"He really thinks he's in with a chance," Remus says, staring straight ahead as they walk. Lily's hand stiffens in his. He pauses. "And sometimes I think I am, too." Remus rubs his thumb in circles on her hand. "But I know I'm not."
"Remus, it's not like that –"
"I know," he says. "He made a move quicker. I guess I never was as confident as him."
Lily sighs in the darkness. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
She stops and turns to him. The faint glow from the candles lining the corridor lights her features and turns her hair into smouldering embers.
"For …" she motions with her free hand between the two of them, words failing her.
Remus cocks an eyebrow and catches her hand, pulling both of them up to his mouth where he kisses their entwined knuckles on each fist.
"I get it," he says quietly. "James is … James."
"You're great," Lily starts.
"Lily," he says, smiling sadly. "Don't."
She looks down.
"But I don't want to keep doing this," Remus says quietly. "I'm not going to be a bit on the side in the dark."
Lily's head snaps up, her eyes burning. "Don't you dare," she says fiercely. "That's not what this is." There's a pause. "I do think about it," she says, barely audibly.
"What?"
A sigh. "Being with you."
Remus' stomach flips and he holds her hands a little tighter as if he's physically holding onto hope.
"If you want to be with me. You need to tell him."
Lily nods stiffly. "I know."
"But," Remus takes a breath. "I won't wait forever."
"I know."
They lift their heads to each other in unison. Remus can't help but kiss her again.
"We're not doing a very good job of patrolling," he says, letting go of her hands and standing back from her.
"No," Lily clears her throat. "I guess we're not."
"Do you want to split up?"
Lily tilts her head. "Not really."
"Good," Remus smiles. "Me either."
Walking together, there's a lull in the conversation. Remus finds his head whirring with thoughts of the girl next to him, and wonders how much of her head space is ever rented by him.
"Are you okay?" She finally asks somewhere down the Second Floor.
Remus doesn't answer her immediately. "I'm okay."
She sighs.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
"I think so."
"One more floor to do," Remus says. "Then we're done."
They don't talk along the First Floor. Separating briefly for Lily to scour the Ground Floor whilst Remus does the dungeons, they finally join up together again at the foot of the Marble Staircase.
"Ready for bed?" Remus asks.
"More than you know," she says, her eyes looking heavy.
Taking a shortcut, they're finally in the warmth of the common room and they look at each other in proper light for the first time in hours.
"I'm sorry if I … made things weird tonight." Remus says finally.
Lily looks at him, frowning. "What do you mean?"
He flounders for the right words. "I kind of really like you. And I'm being weird because you and James are going on dates and I get kisses in the dark and hand holding behind our backs and –"
"You deserve better than being a secret," Lily says.
Remus huffs in frustration. "I want to be –"
"I know," she says. "And maybe one day you will be."
Remus feels a thousand knives in his heart. His expression says it all.
"Remus, that's not what I meant –"
He holds a hand. "It's fine. It's okay. I am hungover and tired and I'm going to bed. I will see you tomorrow, and it's fine."
He turns on his heel and he's half way up the stone steps when he hears her voice again.
"Remus," she says quietly.
When he turns back, she's standing there in the middle of the empty common room with a look of desperation on her face and he hates himself but he can't resist.
Somehow, he finds himself walking towards her and wrapping one arm around her waist, the other hand in her hair. Remus kisses her like he never has done before and she gasps in his mouth. Months of secrets and cumulative tension are released in each swipe of the tongue, each tug at her lip with his teeth and each deep hot kiss. His lips move to her neck.
"Please," Lily begs him in a ragged whisper. She clings to him, her fingers wound in the fabric of his shirt, her other hand straying dangerously low at his belt. "Please," her hand has moved under his shirt and he feels her fingers skating over the skin of his belly. "I need you," she whimpers, pressing herself up against him. Lily's hand moves lower still. "Let me," she pushes herself up on her tiptoes to put her mouth by his ear.
Remus takes her face in his hands and kisses her hard. She melts into him.
"Goodnight, Lily," he says resolvedly, stepping back.
Her hands drop to her sides and she looks hurt.
"Don't …" she swallows hard. "Don't you want me?"
Remus refuses to answer. "I think you need to know what you want."
"Remus –"
"I love you. Both as a friend and … more. And that won't change. But Lily … you know this isn't fair."
Lily blinks. "I'm so sorry."
He kisses her forehead, lips lingering longer than they should. "I know. It's okay. Night, Lils."
"Goodnight."
Stepping back he looks at her and smiles sadly before turning away. Fuck you, he thinks sadly as he walks up the steps. Remus isn't sure whether he means himself, or Lily.
When he gets into the dorm room, the boys are sleeping and James is snoring loudly. Remus kicks the foot of his bed as he passes and with a snort, he rolls over and is quiet. With a heavy and aching heart, Remus gets ready for bed and finally flops down on the mattress. With a flick of his wand, the curtains fall around his bed, secluding him in his own world.
…
The next day, they're out in the sunshine down by the sandy shores of the Black Lake again, sitting together as a group. This time Lily sits beside James, leaning slightly against him. No one else notices, but Remus does. He keeps his face passive as he listens to Sirius rant about the bad grade he got for some Transfiguration essay, and how he is convinced that McGonagall has it in for him. But he isn't really listening. Through the corner of his eye, he sees Lily looking at him. He forces himself to stare intently at Sirius.
"So, Evans," James breaks the hubble of inter-group chatter and drapes an arm over her shoulders. "When are we having that date?"
Lily looks at Remus. He looks at her. He raises an eyebrow.
She drops her eyes and turns to James. "Saturday?" She offers quietly.
Remus feels ice being poured into his belly and he can't help the soft huff from his nose of incredulity.
"Amazing!" James cheers. "I'm going to make it the best date you've ever been on!"
Sirius shakes his head in mock disappointment. "I expected stronger resilience, Lily," he says. "You can do better. I am disappointed in you."
Remus couldn't have said it better himself.
"Don't be jealous, Padfoot," James grins triumphantly.
Lily looks to Remus. Her eyes send a million apologies. I'm sorry she mouths at him so minutely but he knows what she's saying. He knows better than anyone. James doesn't even notice.
"Oi Moony," Sirius says. "How's that girl you've been seeing?"
Remus raises an eyebrow, his lips lifting up in amusement. "What are you on about?"
"Well you've been sneaking off recently being all doe-eyed and quiet so Prongs and I figured you've got some moonlight lover."
Remus laughs. He can't help it. "Nah, that didn't come to anything unfortunately," he says.
"What happened?" James frowns.
"She decided that my – how did you say it, Padfoot? Moonlight loving? – that it wasn't her brand of seduction."
"That's a shame," Peter says. "Sorry, Remus."
"Who was she?" Sirius asks.
Remus shrugs. "Does it even matter now?"
"Guess not," Sirius admits. "Don't be so gloomy, Moony. I mean I don't think I swing that way, but girls really seem to dig you and your books. You're sexy in a really nerdy, ragged kinda way. Isn't he, Lily?"
Remus lifts his eyebrows to her.
Lily doesn't say a word.