"You're dress is ripped," one of Bucky's girls, Lauren, says coyly.
Steph flushes bright red and spins in an attempt to find it. Her dress had gotten caught in the door earlier. Lauren and Betty giggle, covering their mouths with their hands. Steph stops immediately, her ugly blush spreading up to her ears and down her neck. It must have looked pretty funny for Steph to be spinning frantically trying to a rip on her back. Steph begins to cough from the exertion.
"Careful now, Steph," Bucky says worriedly, walking about and slinging his arm around her shoulders. "Don't wanna asthma attack to end the night early."
"There's a rip on my dress," Steph manages through the cough.
Bucky briefly checks and raises and an eyebrow.
"I don't see anything," he assures her. "I think you're just imagining things, Steph."
Steph hangs her head. She should have known the girls were trying to mock her. They always are. Girls just weren't nice to her. The other girls are often jealous of the attention Steph got from Bucky – attention that could be spent on them. They hope by mocking Steph she'll either leave or Bucky will see fault in hanging out with Steph. Usually Steph ends up slipping away halfway through these events and heading home, Bucky is never happy she left but didn't really argue.
("I'll find some girls who are nice to you, Steph. That way it can be fun for both of us."
Bucky's optimism that he'll find Steph more friends makes Steph's chest hurt. She doesn't want more friends. She has Bucky.)
"With that dealt with, shall we go?" Bucky smiles sliding off Steph and bending both arms out.
Lauren and Betty both latch on and the three of them move as a unit. Steph trails behind them slowly. They were heading to a dance hall; Steph will be able to slip away when Bucky takes one of the girls onto the dance floor. He usually notices almost immediately but doesn't say anything until he got home, smoke on his breath, a dazed smile on his face, and a crooked collar around his neck.
Steph wishes she could be enough for Bucky like he's enough for her.
"Stephanie Rogers aren't you just the prettiest girl on the block today," Mrs. McConnell, the butcher's wife, calls out as Steph walks by on her way to school.
Steph blushes because Mrs. McConnell means it. Sarah Rogers and Mrs. McConnell are good friends, which means that the butcher's wife has a certain fondness for the little spitfire that is Steph Rogers.
"Thank you," she calls back.
It's the first day back after the summer break and Steph's mother plaited her hair neatly, tying it with a blue ribbon Sarah Rogers had saved for months to purchase. It's basic, with no weaving, but made with silk and extremely soft to the touch. Steph certainly feels pretty today. Despite her knobby knees and elbows and her frail body, she feels pretty. It's a wonderful feeling to be noticed at all.
It evaporates immediately upon reaching the schoolyard. Nobody notices Steph Rogers even with the pretty blue ribbon tied so delicately.
Art is the last class of the day and Steph likes to stick around and help the teacher clean up. Most kids don't really respect that the art supplies they have available are precious gifts. The teacher gives Steph a tired smile before sending her on her way.
The schoolyard is mostly abandoned. There is the group of the local bullies surrounding a boy from a younger grade. This younger boy is sitting on the ground with his hand partly covering his tear stained face.
"Hey!" she shouts, marching over hands on her bony hips. "Leave him alone!"
"Oh goody it's Rogers," one of the older bullies, Marcus, sneers.
The bullies turn to face her, completely forgetting their previous target.
"You're right it's me!" Steph snaps. "And you better leave that boy alone or I'll – I'll –"
"You'll do what, Rogers? Tell on me? Or hit me?" Marcus grins meanly.
"Ya I'll hit you!" Steph blurts in the heat of the moment. "I'll break your nose too!"
The bullies begin to laugh and Steph notices the younger boy they were picking on slips away. She smiles a bit before steeling her expression back into its previous scowl.
"That's a pretty ribbon you got there, Rogers. Your ma steal it?" Larry, another boy mocks.
Steph sees red and whirls to face him.
"You leave my ma alone, she'd never steal anything that ain't hers!" Steph snaps. "She bought this with her own money."
Now facing Larry and with her back to Marcus, Marcus reaches out and plucks the ribbon straight from Steph's hair. Her blond hair begins to unravel.
"This looks too high class for a poor, dirty immigrant," Marcus chortles, holding the ribbon out of Steph's reach.
"Give it back!" Steph shouts, hands curling into fists.
"I don't think I will," Marcus grins, leaning in to get into Steph's face.
No thought crosses Steph's mind, just instinct and emotion. She slams her tiny fist with as much force into Marcus' face.
Marcus reels back, dropping the ribbon, and clutching face. Steph thinks she can see a bit of blood.
"That hurt!" Marcus shouts. "I think I'm bleeding!"
Steph's vaguely proud of herself even though she knows her ma will just sigh, shake her head, and whisper: "oh a leanbh.1"
"You're not going to get away with this, Rogers," Marcus snaps.
Before Steph knows it, she's being shoved into dirt, her clean clothes being soiled by a puddle. Her hands scrap against the stones causing her palms to sting. The bullies loom over her and Steph momentarily fears what will happen, but a new voice cuts in.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" a boy shouts from the entrance to the schoolyard.
Steph's never seen him before, but he's got a wide, confident stance. He's got authority.
"Ugh it'sthe new kid," one of bullies, Steph doesn't recognize him, sighs. "His pa's a military officer – we better back off."
"Yeah you better," this boy scowls marching over.
Marcus shoots Steph one last dirty look, blood dripping down his face, but the bullies clear out. The other boy comes closer. Steph thinks he's maybe a few years older than her. He's definitely not in her class, which is the only one for her year.
"My ma says a lady shouldn't go pickin fights," the boy comments, walking up to her.
Steph is still sitting in the puddle and her palms sting. She refuses to feel embarrassed.
"I ain't a lady," Steph scowls.
The boy offers her his hand. Steph takes it, hissing between gritted teeth as the rocks press further into the scrapes on her palm.
"You need to get those cleaned out, come with me to my place right around the corner. My ma will get you all cleaned up."
"I don't even know you," Steph says, narrowing her eyes. "My ma says I shouldn't go home with boys I don't know."
The boy frowns. Their hands are still clasped together.
"Fine. I'm James Buchanan Barnes," he introduces, gently shaking their clasped hands.
Steph doesn't wince in pain.
"That's a mouthful," Steph comments.
"Just call me Bucky," Bucky smiles. "Everyone else does."
"Okay," Steph agrees. "I'm Stephanie Rogers, but you can just call me Steph."
Bucky nods agreeably.
"Okay we know each other now. Come with me to my house and my ma will clean you up now."
Steph still hesitates. Her mother is expecting her home. She doesn't want to worry Sarah but it would worry her mother even more if Steph came home looking like she did.
"One second," Steph says scanning the ground.
She releases Bucky's hand and quickly goes to where her blue ribbon fell to the ground. It's covered in footprints now and it slightly torn around the edges. Steph feels tears form around her eyes.
"My ma can fix that too," Bucky says earnestly. "She's a seamstress. She can fix it all up."
Steph looks at Bucky and he's smiling at her so brightly, Steph wants to believe him. He offers his hand once more and after a short pause, she takes. Well, she takes his fingers – it hurts too much too press her palms to anything.
Bucky talks a lot on the short walk to his house. Steph just listens as Bucky tells her about his dad, who got them transferred here, and his four younger siblings2 who are far too noisy for his liking.
When they arrive at the Barnes household it's very loud. Steph is use to a quiet apartment, the only noises her mother's soft whispering and the bleeding through noise from other apartments and the outside world. Otherwise, Steph lives a quiet life. The house itself is much larger and fuller than any apartment Steph has ever lived in.
"Ma I'm home!" Bucky shouts and lets go of Steph's hand to peel off his coat.
Mrs. Barnes comes marching around the corner, her brown hair neatly coifed and her hands on her hips.
"You're late, James, you better not have been –" the reprimand dies on Mrs. Barnes' lips when she sees Steph. "And who might this be?"
"Stephanie Rogers, ma'am," Steph greets politely.
"Steph punched some bully in the nose cause he was picking on her!" Bucky says excitedly.
Mrs. Barnes sighs just a little at Bucky's exuberance and Steph vaguely wonders if Bucky is also part of the noise he seems to despise. "And they shoved her in a puddle and I came to help her out and told her that you could clean her up!"
"Of course you did," Mr. Barnes sighs, but smiles brightly. "I'm Winifred Barnes, Bucky's mother. Come along dear, let's get you cleaned up."
Steph sees where Bucky gets his warmth from as Winifred places a hand on Steph's back and leads her to the kitchen. Bucky follows excitedly still talking away about how great his mother is to Steph.
"Sit up there," Winifred directs, pointing to a chair before collecting a few items from the kitchen.
Steph is still clutching the ribbon in her hand.
"What's so important about that ribbon anyway?" Bucky asks curiously.
"My ma bought it for me," Steph says quietly. "She saved for months to buy it for me and on the first day I wrecked it."
The tears are coming back and when Winifred kneels in front of Steph she frowns. Bucky frowns like Winifred.
"What's wrong, Stephanie?"
Stephanie shows her the ribbon and points to her now knotted hair. Winifred tsk's thoughtfully.
"James go grab your sister's hair brushes," Winifred directs.
"But I wanna stay with Steph," Bucky protests.
Winifred gives him a look and Bucky sighs before running off. Steph and Winifred don't speak while Bucky's gone. Winifred gently and methodically wipes Steph's hands clean and free of rocks before applying bandages.
"Good as new," Winifred smiles.
Bucky skids back in with a hairbrush in hand.
"Rebecca wouldn't let me have it at first," Bucky groans. "She's so difficult."
Winifred shares a secret look with Steph and Steph laughs. She likes feeling a part of this dynamic.
"Now there is nothing I can do about your dress but I can fix up your hair," Winifred tells her. "As for your ribbon I know a few tricks to clean it up."
Steph nods and offers the ribbon to Winifred. Winifred seems to quick work magic on the satin ribbon and it looks almost brand new, with the exception of fraying. Steph smiles as Winifred shows it to her for a quiet inspection.
Winifred easily situates herself so she can brush Steph's hair. Bucky watches absolutely enthralled with the process. Time moves quickly and soon Winifred is patting Steph on the back and smiling.
"All fixed," Winifred announces.
"Thank you," Steph says, getting off the chair.
"It's my pleasure, Stephanie."
Steph glances at the clock. She was expected at home over a half hour ago.
"I need to get going home, my ma's going to be worried sick," Steph says.
"I'll walk you!" Bucky volunteers.
Winifred looks like she wants to protests but seems resigned to let Bucky do as he pleases.
"Come on, Steph. I wanna see where you live!"
"It's nowhere special," Steph mumbles under her breath.
Bucky's bouncing at the door, coat on and hand out again. Steph takes it, clasping it fully this time. The pain in her palm is only a dull ache.
"Come back soon, Stephanie," Winifred smiles. "You're welcome to come here for an impromptu clean up anytime."
(Winifred Barnes never cleans up Stephanie again. Instead it's Bucky who learns from his ma because he's the one who wants to take care of Steph.)
"Thank you again, Mrs. Barnes," Steph nods.
Bucky keeps them moving at a swift pace, Steph directing their course though, while still talking nonstop. This time Steph talks back and feels warmth spread through her as she realizes that she has a friend.
When they arrive at Steph's apartment block, Sarah is sitting on the front steps looking absolutely terrified. She nearly bursts into tears when she sees Steph walking up.
"Stephanie Grace Rogers, where have you been? What happened to your dress? Who is this boy?" Sarah demands.
"Steph tripped in a puddle and scrapped her hands up real bad so I offered to let my ma stitch her up," Bucky says, giving Sarah and award winning smile. "As for me, I'm James Buchanan Barnes. You can call me Bucky, if you like."
Sarah narrows her eyes at Bucky and Steph holds her breath for a beat. Her mother buys the lie.
"Well thank you for taking care of my daughter, Mr. Barnes. That was very gentlemanly of you."
"I ain't no gentleman," Barnes grins, winking at Steph. "Just doing the right thing."
Sarah smiles softly.
"Come along and let's get you changed, Stephanie. You can see Bucky tomorrow."
Sarah turns and makes her way back into the building. Steph turns to look at Bucky.
"Thanks for everything, Bucky," Steph says earnestly.
"Anytime," Bucky responds and Steph believes him. "See you tomorrow?"
Steph nods and breaks into a grin. Bucky grins back and turns around, breaking into a run back to his own home.
"Can I try?" Bucky asks, as Steph fiddles with her hair.
Steph's braid is coming undone and she's desperately trying to redo it. They are both sitting on Steph's bed after school. Sarah thinks they're doing their homework but instead they've long abandoned it to talk about baseball.
"You wanna try and braid my hair?" Steph questions incredulously.
"Yeah, if we're gonna be friends I gotta be able to do your hair. I've practiced on Rebecca so I'd be good for you."
Steph tries her best not to blush at the idea that Bucky wanted to be good enough for her. Like he needs to be good enough for her.
"Okay," Steph concedes. "Just be gentle."
"I promise," Bucky smiles but looks nervous.
Steph hands Bucky her now pale blue ribbon and the hairbrush before turning around. She's looking into the mirror so she can watch what Bucky's doing. She doesn't want him to accidently pull out all of her hair.
With a look of intense concentration and his tongue poking out, Bucky begins running the brush through Steph's hair. His strokes are methodically and slow; he's very careful not to pull on the knots. When Bucky's deemed the hair brushed to his standard, he meticulously puts the brush on the bed and focuses on the hair in front of him.
It's an odd feeling, feeling Bucky's fingers card through her hair. It's different than the feeling that she gets when her mother runs her hands through Steph's hairs, but born from a similar emotion. Steph wonders what this means.
Bucky's hands are shaky and he doesn't wind the braid tight enough, but he manages to create a half decent product. It's got loose strands and feels odd on Steph's head, but Steph still loves it. It's no where near Sarah Rogers' level or even Steph's own plaiting abilities. He ties the ribbon in a sloppy bow but with flourish.
"Ta-da!" he announces.
"It's perfect, thank you, Bucky," Steph says sincerely.
As Bucky turns a soft pink, in the first and last time Steph sees him blush, Steph knows that this feeling is love.
Stephanie Rogers is undeniably in love with her best friend.
Steph's never really had patience, time, or money for makeup. Her mother doesn't use it, so Steph never uses it either. Her mother looks beautiful without it, and Steph likes to think she looks like her mom so she must be beautiful too. Sarah Rogers thought the same.
"You're the most beautiful girl on the planet," Sarah coos, brushing out Steph's hair with her fingers.
Steph stares at herself in the mirror and believes her mother. Her hair is a beautiful shade of blonde that some might even describe as golden and her eyes are a sharp but warm blue, like her father's eyes. On the other hand, Steph's face is still all awkward angles and her skin often an off colour due to her health.
"All the other girls are starting to wear makeup," Steph says trying to sound casual as her mother's deft fingers plait her hair.
"Are they now?" Sarah asks. "Don't think you're a little young?"
"I'm sixteen," Steph frowns. "So are the others."
Sarah sighs.
"You're perfect just the way you are," Sarah tells her. "But if you want to some makeup, I'll try my best."
The next day, Sarah Rogers comes home late. Steph is waiting for her eagerly at the kitchen table.
"You're not with Bucky?" Sarah asks, a bag in her hand.
Sarah's got a bright but tired smile.
"He's got a date with Anne," Steph says offhandedly.
"Anne's nice," Sarah comments even though she met Anne once and that was when Bucky was dropping Steph off. Anne had waved politely at Sarah from a distance.
"Annie's kind of mean. What's in the bag?" Steph asks, reaching out to grab it.
Sarah smiles.
"Patience, a leanbh," Sarah murmurs and Steph pulls back. "I got you a gift."
Steph immediately frowns. She knows what the cost of her mother getting her a gift.
"Don't frown, you asked for something and I got it for you. There's no cost in keeping you happy," Sarah says.
"You still didn't have too," Steph replies.
She wanted something and now she feels bad about it. Nevertheless, Sarah pours out the bag on the table and a few items clattered to the table.
"I asked around at work and the women were happy to help you out Steph. You've seemed to make an impression on them."
Steph smiles shyly.
"It was one time," Steph says.
"One time that you helped them all out and let them keep their jobs," Sarah replies. "Now do you want to test this stuff out?"
Steph nods eagerly and Sarah leads her to the bathroom and sat her down in front of the mirror.
"This is my first time too, so go easy on me," Sarah directs sternly but a smile on her lips.
"Of course ma. Maybe I could practice on you too?" Steph grins.
Sarah shakes her head.
"I'm too old to be dressing up like some pretty girl going for a night on the town."
"You're never too old," Steph protests. "But you don't need makeup to look like some pretty girl on town."
"You're too sweet for this world, Steph."
Sarah gets to work, carefully lining Steph's eyes with kohl, accentuating her thin lips with bright red lipstick and cheeks with pink blush. It's uncomfortable but Steph doesn't move a muscle. She's excited to see what the final product is.
"All done," Sarah announces, stepping out of the way of the mirror.
Steph looks at herself in the mirror. She looks ridiculous. The kohl is uneven and her lips look too fake. She loves it nonetheless.
"I don't think I'm going to wear makeup in public," Steph laughs.
Sarah smiles at her.
"Not really your style, huh?"
Steph shakes her head. Sarah grins and leans over to kiss the crown of Steph's head.
"You're beautiful no matter what you look like, Steph. Now let's get you cleaned up."
"Is that me?" Bucky asks.
Steph snaps her sketchbook shut. She's sitting on the back steps of the school, sketching scenes from memory. This one is particular is Bucky roaring with laughter at the Barnes' dinner table because of a story his youngest sibling told about their school experience.
"Shouldn't you be in class?" she snaps.
"Shouldn't you be in class?" he parrots.
"I'm on break," Steph replies defiantly, raising her pointy chin.
"Mmm, me too," Bucky says grinning.
Steph scowls at him. They both know he has math right now.
"So is that me?" Bucky inquires, gesturing with his eyes at the sketchbook.
Steph sighs and opens the sketch of Bucky. He'd already seen it; there is no point in trying to hide it. She slides into his lap and turns away in embarrassment.
"I knew you could draw, but I didn't think you were this good," Bucky whistles.
Steph is notoriously private with her drawing. Especially with her drawings of people. She mostly shares her landscapes, people take less offense to those than images of themselves. She watches Bucky trace his fingers along the jaw in the sketch and then his own.
"Wow, Steph. These are amazing! Have you ever thought about art school?" Bucky says in awe.
Steph shrugs.
"I don't know if I'm good enough," Steph admits.
"Are you kidding me!?" Bucky shouts in exasperation. "Look at this! Of course you are good enough. Any school would be crazy to turn you down."
"You think so?"
Bucky slings his arm around her shoulder.
"Have I ever given you reason to doubt me?"
Steph shakes her head.
"Never."
Steph likes to call Bucky Irish terms of endearment. He doesn't know what's she's saying and so he often thinks she's calling him things like "pal" or "friend." Steph doesn't bother to correct him. She hopes that no one ever catches on either; she doesn't know any other Irish speakers so she thinks she's safe.
It feels like a confession pouring off her lips every time she says 'a ghrá' or more commonly 'a mhuirnín.' Her mother taught her that terms can be used describe close friends, not just lovers. The meaning changes with each use and the situation their in, but the affection is the same each time. When she feels risky, she'll call him 'a stór.'
Even if her romantic feelings aren't reciprocated, Steph knows that the love she and Bucky share is still strong and the thing that Steph holds most dear in her life.
When it's cold out, she and Bucky share a bed to conserve heat. The Rogers' apartment doesn't have the best heating and so Bucky gives up his own warm bed to keep Steph warm. Despite Sarah's minor disapproval of two teenagers sharing a bed.
(They'll stop caring about what people think about their living situation shortly after moving into together. Their own apartment won't have the best heating either. It is a good way to conserve heat and money).
She whispers more intimate terms into Bucky's ear when she's sure he's asleep. Bucky smiles in his sleep when this occurs. His solid body curled around her small one, protecting her. They fit together like a glove. His chin on her shoulder and his warm breath ghosting across her cheek. It's entirely platonic. Steph likes it that way.
"A rúnsearc," she whispers and wishes so hard it makes her heart ache that she could say it to Bucky in English and when he's awake. "A ghrá geal."
The risk of the secret whispers is worth it, particularly when they face each other and Steph can see the subconscious smile curl up on Bucky's face. Bucky's always liked when Steph speaks Irish, though he can gets annoyed when Steph talks too much in it because then he can't understand her. When her mother was still around, Steph would only call Bucky: 'A dhlúthchara.'
Steph is very careful in the endearments she used around her mother. Sarah often spends hours lecturing Steph on the importance of keeping her heart safe. Steph's positive that Bucky's the safest for her heart, after all he's been keeping every other part of her safe.
Only in her mind, where no one else can hear her, does Steph call Bucky m'fhíorghrá, 'my true love' or some might say 'soul mate.' It's a passionate term and Steph keeps it close to her heart.
Steph and Bucky move in together a few months after Sarah dies. At first Bucky wants Steph to come live with him in his parents' house but Steph can't impose. Steph has to drop out of art school, she can't afford to keep going now that's she's on her own. Bucky demanding they move into together is his play to attempt to keep her in school. But bills still need to be paid and Steph needs to contribute with what job she could manage.
They have a one-bedroom apartment, with two tiny beds smashed to separate walls but on cold nights together or just all of the coverings on one. It's ridiculously tiny but Steph loves it because it's theirs.
Steph learns to cook from what little they have. Bucky burns everything. Bucky finds little treasures to fill their apartment. He finds a painting in a dumpster within the first week of living together. Steph demands they keep the painting but Bucky immediately tears it out and hangs up one of Steph's own charcoal drawings of Steph's mother.
"She's always watching you," Bucky murmurs, wrapping an arm around Steph's shoulders and pulling her tight.
"She's always watching us," Steph corrects. "She loved you too."
"Yeah, she sure did," Bucky smiles softly.
Bucky smokes on the fire escape every so often. Cigarettes are expensive so he rations them carefully; Steph spends a fair portion of her wage on cigarettes for Bucky. Bucky has a love/hate relationship with smoking. On one hand he loves the feeling he gets but on the other, he hates that Steph can't come within ten feet of him after he's smoked for at least two showers which need to be carefully portioned, or their bill gets too large.
"I'm sorry, Steph," Bucky chatters from the other side of the room.
Steph tries to shrug but she's shivering too hard.
"S'okay, Buck. It's not your fault I have asthma."
"Should've thought about you when I decided to have that cigarette after work today. 'Specially since it's getting cold."
It's late and they are both far too cold to fall asleep. Steph can feel her eyes grow heavy but the gnawing cold is too distracting. Steph's mad that Bucky feels bad about doing something he likes. They both have to be cold because she has asthma (not that Bucky gets any body heat from cuddling with bony girl).
"You should at least take my blankets," Bucky says.
"Then you'll be cold – you gotta work tomorrow morning," Steph protests.
"Nah," Bucky grins, quickly crossing the room to drop his blankets on Steph. "Sweet dreams, Steph."
The scent of Bucky envelops Steph in familiarity and allows her to pretend that they are sleeping wrapped up together.
"Good night, m'fhíorghrá," Steph whispers.
The next morning, Steph isn't sure if she actually said it or if it was a dream or if Bucky even heard it. Bucky doesn't say anything about the word he's never heard before, so Steph allows herself to let it lie.
Bucky doesn't bring girls back to the apartment. Steph knows it's because the other girls don't want to know that Bucky's got a female roommate. Most girls know they're friends, but don't know that they're roommates. So Bucky goes back to their places and comes back smelling like their perfume and their makeup occasionally smudged across his skin.
Steph sits on her bed, sketchbook in her lap when Bucky comes home from dancing. She's drawing the retreating backs of Lauren, Betty, and Bucky. She begrudgingly admits that it's a good scene to draw, as she attempts to recreate the girls' body language and Bucky's confident stance.
"You shouldn't have gone home, Stephie," Bucky says, lipstick on his colour. "We went to the beach and laid under the starts after dancing. Lauren and Betty say they missed you."
Steph is sharply aware that Bucky called her Stephie. A nickname, which she hates, Bucky only uses when he's not entirely present.
'Sure they did,' Steph bites back bitterly.
"So was it Lauren or Betty?" Steph asks.
"What do you mean?" Bucky asks, slightly confused.
Steph sighs deeply and mimes wiping lipstick of her cheek. Bucky laughs, embarrassed, and attempts to rub it off with his sleeve. It only makes it worse. Steph rolls her eyes and sets her sketchbook before walking across the room to help Bucky out. He has to sit down for her to properly and comfortably reach his face. She places her small hands on his shoulders and guides him to the bed. Bucky eagerly follows. He parts his legs and Steph steps between them, to best get access to his face.
Steph likes the sleeve of her own dress and begins to carefully clean away the lipstick.
"Would you believe me if I said neither?" Bucky says quietly.
Steph's methodical cleaning falters, but quickly resumes. Bucky's too much on cloud nine to notice anything.
"I met up with Gracie walking home from the dance after I dropped Lauren and Betty off at home. We danced together too. She's much prettier than Lauren and Betty and dresses a lot better."
Steph focuses on cleaning on Bucky's cheek. Furiously scrubbing.
"Ow!" Bucky snaps. "Careful, Steph."
"Sorry," she mumbles.
"S'okay. It happens."
"Sounds like a good night," Steph says, stepping back and smiling tightly.
Bucky's talked about Gracie before. A lot. Steph feels like she's met this girl, even though oddly she's one girl Steph's never met. Steph hates Gracie even though Bucky insists Steph probably like her. Bucky's right, from the sounds of it Gracie would like Steph too. Gracie sounds like a real winner.
"Yeah," Bucky says dreamily.
"I'm heading to bed now," Steph announces, slipping back to her side of the room and under the covers. "G'night."
"Night, Steph," Bucky murmurs and he's till just sitting on the bed, looking off into space.
Steph faces away from Bucky and tries to feel happy for Bucky's happiness but can't find it in her. She falls asleep long before she hears Bucky's bed creak underneath him as he too slips under the covers.
Steph's never had the time, patience, or money for makeup. She keeps the makeup her mother once brought home for her, tucked away in a box under bed. She doesn't feel pretty as she once did, with her mother at her side. Not since Steph met Gracie Williams.
("It's nice to meet you, Stephanie. Bucky never stops talking about you," Gracie smiles, delicately holding out her hand.
"Same here," Steph replies, finding herself smiling back.
Her smile isn't pretty like Gracie's, just a goofy, crooked smile. But Gracie is genuine and Steph wants to hate her because of the way Bucky looks at her and talks about her, but she can't hate the only other person who's as genuine as Bucky. Bucky's got his hand slung over Steph's shoulders, like he usually does. He's grinning at both of them. It makes Steph feel nervous.
"I'm excited for the film tonight, how about you, Steph?" Gracie asks.
"She wouldn't shut up about it on the way here," Bucky laughs.
Steph turns bright red. Gracie laughs too; it's one of the most beautiful laughs Steph has ever heard. Everything about Gracie is beautiful. She's like a light in the darkness and Steph can't help but laugh too.
Gracie has dark blond hair and brown eyes that look gold in the light. Her makeup is perfectly applied to her face and Steph knows she looks beautiful without it too. Gracie's dress is a warm colour and made with fine fabrics. It doesn't have any stains or rips. Not like Steph's clothing.
"Wait here and I'll go get the tickets, ladies," Bucky says, turning to leave.
"I ain't a lady, James Buchanan Barnes!" Steph shouts in annoyance.
Bucky darts away cackling.
"How long have you known Bucky?" Gracie asks.
"Forever it seems like," Steph shrugs. "I got into a fight and he took me home to his ma afterwards to get cleaned up."
Gracie smiles.
"He sure does talk fondly about you," she says.
"He's got three younger siblings, I'm kind of an extension," Steph says.
Gracie laughs and shakes her head slightly.
"Oh Steph," Gracie giggles.
Steph's confused and she hopes that Gracie isn't making fun of her. Bucky gets back when Gracie stops laughing and Steph never gets to ask what was so funny.)
Steph's sitting at their small table, crammed into the corner of their kitchenette. Her open sketchbook is to her left; there is a sketch of Gracie and her perfect smile and perfect makeup in it. To her right are her several pieces of hand-me down makeup.
"I could look like that," Steph whispers. "It can't be that hard."
She shuts the sketchbook and collects her makeup. She hurries to the bathroom and locks the door. Bucky's on a date with Gracie and Steph doesn't expect him back for a couple of hours. She's got time to practice but doesn't want to take any risks.
The blush is the easiest, Steph finds. Her off colour skin is easier enough to bring to life with the brush. She feels like she's got a healthy glow with her pink cheeks instead of her pallor appearance.
The lipstick is an addition to that. Her thin lips appear full and attractive. Steph imagines kissing someone with lips like this.
The kohl is the hardest to apply. She keeps getting it in her eyes. It takes her about twenty minutes to get a single eye done. She's just about to start the second eye when she hears the apartment door open and close.
It doesn't make sense for Bucky to be home so early. Steph panics and shoves the makeup into the trash and quickly attempts to scrub it off her face. It only smudges.
"Steph?" Bucky calls.
"I'll be right there," Steph answers, trying to hide the panic in her voice.
Bucky doesn't respond, but Steph can hear him flop down on his bed, the springs creaking under his weight. She continues her attempt to remove the makeup.
Her entire face is red and her eyes are bloodshot when she finally gets it all off. The cloth she was using is ruined too. She sighs angrily and hesitantly throws it in the trash, to cover the makeup. She looks like she's been crying and Bucky's immediately going to know something's up. Steph leaves the bathroom anyway. Bucky's staring at the ceiling when she steps into the room, but sits up to greet her.
"Hey Steph, have you – whoa have you been crying?" Bucky demands, eyes narrowing.
Steph laughs nervously.
"Not quite," she responds.
Bucky doesn't believe her.
"Who made you cry? Am I going to have to beat someone up again? Did someone hit you? 'Cause I'll make them pay," Bucky's getting riled up and Steph knows pretty soon he's going to run out on the street demanding to know who made her 'cry.'
"Bucky!" Steph shouts. "I'm not crying, I was just washing my face.'
"With what, steel?" Bucky hisses, hands on his hips.
"I was trying to put on makeup and when you came home early, I, uh, panicked," Steph admits sheepishly.
"Makeup? You don't own makeup," Bucky frowns. "You don't need to hide whoever made you cry Steph. Some son of bitch deserves to pay for making you cry."
He thinks she's lying.
Steph sighs and heads to the bathroom. She grabs the ruined cloth and her makeup to bring back to Bucky. She thrusts into them into Bucky's face. He frowns and takes them from her and examines each piece.
"Why were you doing this, Steph?"
"I wanted to know how Gracie did it," Steph admits.
Bucky's face shutters at the mention of Gracie's name. He dumps the makeup onto Steph's bed and crosses back to lie on his own.
"Don't worry yourself with Gracie, we ain't going to see her around anymore," Bucky mutters.
"Aw, I'm sorry Buck. Did she break up with you?" Steph frowns.
"Something like that. Can we not talk about it anymore? I don't want to think of Gracie right now."
"Sure thing. You wanna play poker or something?"
"Poker sounds great. Have you improved your poker face?" Bucky says, sort of smiling.
"Have you improved yours?" Steph shoots back.
Bucky's good at poker but not as good as Steph. Bucky gives her a flimsy smile.
"I'll get the cards and we can play on the floor," Steph offers.
Bucky nods. They spend of the rest of the night, sitting cross-legged and playing poker. Bucky has a storm behind his eyes when he goes to bed, but is fine the next morning. Steph and Bucky didn't talk about Gracie again for a long time.
War is suddenly everywhere and propaganda is thrust into Steph and Bucky's faces at every moment. Steph wants to go fight. She wants to help because she hates bullies. She can't. She's a girl. Even then she's got a list of health issues through would prevent a male from enlisting.
Bucky's drafted, and he doesn't tell her. She finds the letter tucked under his mattress one day while she's cleaning up their room. For a lack of possessions and space, things get surprisingly messy.
They fight about it. Steph cries and Bucky leaves. She's upset that Bucky lied to her but mostly because this means he's going to leave her. They've always done everything together and now Steph's going to be alone.
Bucky leaves with a slammed door and Steph's never felt more alone. She lies in bed for a day, just crying until she realizes she needs to go find Bucky. If he's going to leave, she doesn't want it to be on terms like this. Steph also doesn't want to waste their waning days together. If Bucky comes back, he'll be a changed man.
Steph goes to the Barnes household first. It's the still the same house, just around the corner from Bucky and Steph's old school. Rebecca's the one to answer the door and narrows her eyes at Steph.
"He's not here," Rebecca says firmly and Steph knows she's lying immediately.
"Please, 'Becca let me see him," Steph begs.
She must look pathetic. Her eyes are red rimmed from crying and not sleeping. She's wearing the same dress she wore yesterday and her braid is everywhere. She just wants Bucky to come back home.
"He doesn't wanna see you," Rebecca says, raising a prim eyebrow and crossing her arms.
Rebecca doesn't look like Bucky at all. She looks like her dad and has the same disapproving tug of her mouth.
"Rebecca," Bucky calls, his voice breaking. "Let her in."
Rebecca begrudgingly let's Steph pass but doesn't stop glaring at Steph. Steph feels Rebecca's angry eyes boring into the back of her head. Bucky gives Rebecca an annoyed look over Steph's head, but it doesn't do anything. Bucky, too, is still wearing the same clothes from yesterday and looks like he had the same amount of sleep as Steph.
"Let's go upstairs," Bucky says.
"Bucky!" Rebecca protests.
"Rebecca," Bucky hisses back.
Steph follows Bucky up the slim stairs to his old bedroom. Winifred had turned it into a guestroom following Bucky's departure. The bed has clearly not been slept in, but the quilt is slightly ruffled, from Bucky lying on top of it.
Bucky sits on the bed and Steph nervously sits next to him. She's careful not to touch him, even though she desperately wants to. They sit quietly for a few minutes, Steph trying to build up her courage to say something. Finally, Bucky speaks first.
"I'm sorry I lied to you," he croaks.
"I'm sorry I got confrontational about finding the letter. I should have known better," Steph replies back.
"Well that's just in your nature," Bucky laughs weakly.
Steph smiles a little too. She reaches over and grabs one of Bucky's hands, which he has been ringing nervously together before.
"I hate when we fight," Steph says.
"Me too," Bucky replies, leaning his head on her small shoulder.
Steph wraps Bucky's hand in hers and rubs one thumb over his knuckles.
"I'm scared, Steph. What if I don't come back?"
"You gotta, or else who's going to stop me from pulling stupid stunts," Steph replies, her own throat feeling thick.
"Yeah, I guess I do," Bucky mumbles. "My old man's so proud, says I'm really 'living up to the Barnes' name.'"
"You got nothing to prove, Buck," Steph says.
"I know," Bucky responds lightly.
"I wish I could go with you," Steph says.
Bucky doesn't respond, but Steph knows what he's thinking. He's happy she can't go.
"Will you come back home? It's too quiet and I hate it," Steph asks.
Steph grew up to love quiet, now she can't live with it at all.
"Of course I will. I hate it here anyway," Bucky smiles.
Rebecca glares at them as they come downstairs. She's mostly glaring at Steph.
"Knock that off, Steph didn't do anything wrong," Bucky snaps.
"You said that she got mad snooping around in your stuff," Rebecca counters, not backing down.
"Yeah 'cause I was an idiot and didn't tell her in the first place. S'not my fault you can't hide anything in a tiny apartment. So knock it off."
Rebecca sighs deeply before walking away.
"She's never going to let this go, is she?" Steph asks.
Bucky shrugs.
"She's a Barnes," he says as if that's all he explanation Steph needs.
Steph doesn't really know what that means because Rebecca and Bucky are two entirely different people. The shared name of Barnes means nothing.
"Let's get home before it gets cold," Bucky says holding out his hand.
Steph takes it quickly and they walk home, shoulder to shoulder, enjoying their last few weeks of freedom.
Steph tries to enlist. She cuts her hair short and steals some of Bucky's old clothes. Steph thinks she makes a pretty decent, albeit scrawny, man. She tries five times. They kick her out each time once they find out that she's a woman.
Bucky sighs every time she tells him. He tells her to knock it out because she isn't going to make it in. Women can't be soldiers he said. Steph slaps him upside the head for that one and argues a woman could do just as much as a man.
The fifth time, Steph sees a movie afterwards. She hopes that she could bury her emotions by investing herself within the world of a film. A war ad plays before the movie of course. People are crying and watching with steely eyes.
A man sitting in front of Steph starts to complain. She starts off by politely telling him to knock it off but when he doesn't stuff she starts to get mad. The man stands and looms over her.
"You gotta a problem, punk?" he snaps.
"Yeah, you need to show a little respect those men are laying down their lives to protect this country and you're here throwing popcorn at their faces. What are you doing to help the war effort?"
The man sneers and drags Steph out of the theatre by the collar. She knows she's going to get punched. People have no problem punching a guy, which she's still dressed up as. He tosses her out into the alley and quickly knocks her to feet several times. She scrambles to try to get in a punch, but he's much stronger and quicker than she is.
"You gonna give up?" he asks.
Steph puts up her fists.
"I can do this all day," she smirks back, mouth bloody.
He punches her harder than before and she lands amongst the trash cans. She can taste blood in her mouth. Steph grabs the lid of the can, hoping to use it to deter him while she gets a hit in. The man just rips it away from her and laughs in cruel amusement. She's on the ground again, pulling her arm up to protect herself.
The man's punch never comes as she sees Bucky's hand land on his shoulder and Bucky easily gets rid of the man.
"Sometimes I think you like getting punched," Bucky sighs.
"I had him on the ropes," Steph says.
"I know you did," Bucky replies offering her his hand. "Where are you from this time?"
She frowns and takes the offered hand. Bucky snatches her enlistment form from her pocket.
"New Jersey," he scowls. "People are afraid to hit a lady, Steph. They ain't afraid to punch a mouthy boy."
Steph dusts off her pants.
"I ain't a lady, Buck," she mutters before looking at Bucky. "You get your orders?"
He rattles them off to her in such a way that one would think that Bucky had enlisted, especially the way he wears his uniform and the cocky tilt of his hat.
"Let's get you home and properly dressed, we're going out," Bucky says, wrapping an arm around Steph's shoulder as they walk out of the alley.
"Where're we going?"
"The future."
Stark Expo is pretty amazing. Steph is in complete awe of everything that Stark Industries has managed to accomplish. Of course, she'd enjoy it more if Bucky didn't have girls on both arms. Connie and Bonnie are not impressed that Bucky's friend happens to be another girl. But Bucky is as charming as ever. With a cocky grin and the angle of his hat, the girls immediately forgive him and they are off to explore the expo.
Steph once again finds herself trailing behind the three off them. They take off when Connie spots the hover car demonstration. Steph has to fight against the crowd to keep up and ends up running into Bucky's back when she catches up.
"Careful, Steph," Bucky says lightly.
Steph nods tightly and gives him a thin grin before backing up and peering between Connie and Bonnie's heads to watch Howard Stark appear on stage.
He easily kisses one of the dancing girls and Steph wonders if he even knows her name. Steph wonders if Howard Stark goes through girls like Bucky does.
Bucky looks back to her eagerly at one point, but quickly look away when she turns to him. She spends a moment memorizing the wonder and joy in his eyes, if he comes back she may never see it again.
When the demonstration ends, Steph slips away to the recruitment booth. She's still wearing pants and a shirt, so she could try again if she wanted to. Bucky wouldn't be happy though. And tonight's supposed to be his night. Steph wants to spend Bucky's free last hours with him.
"Hey," Bucky says, his hand falling on her shoulder. "Are you thinking about trying again?"
Steph shrugs.
"Come on Steph, the same thing is going to happen again. Or y'know they might actually take you."
"Bucky, those men are laying down their lives and I have every right to help out too."
Bucky sighs, annoyed. He looks away briefly before refocusing on Steph.
"Right because you have nothing to prove."
Those words hit Steph like a blow. Bucky thought she had something to prove?
"I just wanna help," Steph protests.
"Fine," Bucky. "So you're really going to do this."
"Yeah."
"I'm going to take the girls dancing, I'll see you back home I guess," Bucky's turning and beginning to walk away.
"If I don't – don't win the war until I get there, okay?"
Bucky stops and turns around, a fond smile on his face.
"Just try not to do anything stupid while I'm gone."
"How can I when you are taking all the stupid with you?"
"You're a punk," he says and opens his arms.
Steph easily completes the hug.
"Jerk," she replies.
Then Bucky's gone. Steph turns and squares her shoulders. She can do this.
She's behind the curtain. Any moment now they are going to ask her to take off her clothes and she'll be revealed to be a woman. A nurse speaking in a hurried tone pulls out the doctor and Steph starts to get nervous. There's a sign that says it's illegal to lie on your enlistment form mocking Steph. She thinks about running.
Her train of thought comes screeching to a halt, when a soldier pulls open the current. Steph swallows. An important looking doctor walks in. In his hands he's holding a file. Steph's file.
"Leave us," he tells the soldier.
He has a German accent. The soldier discreetly nods and disappears behind the curtain.
"So you want to kill Nazis?" the doctor says raising an eyebrow.
"Excuse me?"
"Where are you from Mr. Rogers? Or should I call you Ms. Rogers? Five Exams in Five different cities."
"That might not be the right file," Steph protests.
The doctor smiles at her.
"It's not the exams I'm interested in, Ms. Rogers. But the five tries. But you didn't answer my questions. Do you want to kill Nazis?"
Steph blinks.
"Is this a test?"
The doctor nods.
"I don't like bullies, I don't care where they're from," she replies honestly.
The doctor smiles.
"There are so many big men fighting this war. Maybe what we need now is a little guy," the doctor winks at Steph. "Dr. Abraham Erskine, follow me Ms. Rogers."
"Stephanie," Steph says quickly before they slip out.
Steph follows Dr. Erskine out of the exam room and to the front desk.
"I can offer you a chance. Only a chance."
"I'll take it."
"So where is the little guy from?" Dr. Erskine asks, laying her file out on the desk.
"Brooklyn," Steph answers smiling.
"Congratulations, soldier," Dr. Erskine says handing her the folder and leaving.
Steph opens it and sees the 1A. Her heart starts to beat fast and she thinks she might pass out.
She doesn't see Bucky when she gets home. He gets home long after she's already wrapped up in bed and almost asleep. The next morning, it hardly seems appropriate to mention she successfully enlisted as they saying their goodbyes.
At Camp Lehigh, the other recruits aren't really pleased to see her. The superiors aren't either. Steph tries her best though. Despite the challenges and sabotages, she works hard is determined to not give up. The men don't like the idea of a woman coming into something that they deem only for them.
Steph's not alone. There is Agent Peggy Carter, who smiles at her but doesn't say much. She's silently cheering for Steph's success.
Erskine and Colonel Phillips are always watching her particular group of recruits. Steph knows that one of them is going to get chosen for something. She can feel it from the way Colonel Phillips points one of them out (Hodge) in the middle of a training regiment with Agent Carter and how Erskine shakes his head.
"Grenade!" Colonel Phillips shouts and everyone bolts.
Steph needs to prevent the blowout somehow so she leaps on it, wrapping around it with her skinny body. When she realizes the grenade isn't going off, she looks up and sees Agent Carter smiling at her, the rest of the recruits scowling, and Erskine positively beaming.
The rest of the recruits are shipped out the next day and Steph is informed that she's been chosen for a super secret government operation to create the perfect soldier. That night, Erskine joins her in the empty bunkhouse. She's desperate to know why he chose her.
He tells her a story of his work in Germany and the history of the procedure. He ends it off with telling that as good becomes great and that a weak man knows the value of power. Steph thinks that's a compliment.
The next day, she rides in fancy car to Brooklyn with Agent Carter. She points out all the places she got beat up on the way over. Peggy listens with a half smile. Steph's unsure of how to talk to her. The confidence and strength Peggy exudes makes her nervous, but Steph's also in awe of it. Peggy worked her way here, despite the thinking that women are inferior.
Everything, after she steps into the seemingly small Brooklyn shop, happens so fast. People are watching her like a hawk, their eyes filled with doubt. Erskine talks fast, explaining what's going to happen in a language Steph doesn't understand and finally she's helped into a strange pod and strapped down. A nurse injects her with a single need and Steph grimaces.
"That wasn't too bad," she remarks weakly as her stomach flip flops.
"That was penicillin," Erskine comments.
Steph frowns and braces herself for the real procedure.
There's excruciating pain and all she hears is Howard shouting. She hears another screaming and belatedly realizes that it's her trying to manage the pain. Peggy and Erskine shouting to call it off. In a moment of clarity, Steph manages to declare that she can do it and for the moment, she believes that she can.
She feels everything shifting within her. Her skin crawls, her bones crack and pop. She has nothing to do but clench her fists, and clench her teeth. It's far too hot. Sweat pours off of her, and it's so uncomfortable but she can do this.
Then it's over. She opens her eyes and everyone's staring at her awe. Steph looks down and sees a body she doesn't recognize. She's bigger and can feel strength pulsing through her body. The delirium caused by the pain fades quickly as people surround her. The doubt from everyone's eyes has cleared and only awe remains. Steph's uncomfortable with the sheer amount of people around her and freely touching her, now foreign, body.
There is little time for celebration. Steph's head has barely cleared when there's an explosion and Erskine is dying in her arms. And Steph just runs. Chasing after the man who killed Erskine for the serum now pumping through her veins.
It's odd not getting winded and Steph doesn't know her limits – doesn't know if she even has limits as she takes a corner to fast, smashes into a window and starts running all within a second.
It's exhilarating to run. Steph could almost laugh if she wasn't trying to catch a murderer. Her head has cleared and is no longer swimming with pain and the anxiety of being surrounded by strangers. Everything feels natural to her as she leaps on to the yellow taxicab and wraps her arms around its metal frame. She doesn't give any thought as she dodges the bullets being shot through the roof.
There isn't a single thought in her mind as she dives after the submarine and pulls the man out on to land.
"Who are you?!" she demands, hands curled around the lapels of his suit.
He laughs.
"Cut off one head and another two shall grow," he says breaking off a tooth and swallowing it. "Hail Hydra."
Cyanide. Steph shoves his body away in revulsion and disappointment. She stands and looks at her now large hands. What has she become?
Phillips doesn't want her. He never wanted her. Senator Brandt offers her an out and Steph leaps at the chance to take it.
"Her shoulders are too broad," the seamstress complains. "She doesn't look good in the costume."
Steph looks at herself in the mirror. She hates to agree, but the seamstress is right. Even though strong and healthy, Steph's body isn't normal for a woman. There's little fashion for a woman of her shape and size.
Senator Brandt frowns, looking her over.
"People want America's new hero, we can't not put her in the show," he says. "If she can't dress in the same outfit as the other girls, find something else."
"With a little padding, she'd make a convincing man," a man in the senator's entourage says.
Senator Brandt snaps his fingers like it's the best thing he's heard all day. Steph dies a little on the inside.
"I like it. People want America's new hero to be a man as well. Get her in a matching outfit and make her Captain America!"
People, unsurprisingly, love Captain America. Pretty soon people are asking questions about the 'man' behind the mask. Thus, Steve Rogers is born. Steph is playing a role on and off stage. They dress her up in men's clothing even when she's not playing Captain America.
Soon the films are made and the comic books follow. People love Captain America. People love Steve Rogers. People don't know about Steph.
She's become quite the actress, that she's able to smile even when she's about to cry. She's fluent in show speak and how to talk to fans.
People love Steve Rogers or maybe they love Steph Rogers or possibly they just love Captain America. Steph's not quite sure which one she is. With a constant script in her face and extreme acting skills, Steph's able to convince herself some days that she's actually Steve Rogers. She's become so good in faking, Steph's not sure if she's even faking.
After a whirlwind tour back home, Steph's sent to the frontlines. Senator Brandt hopes that she can put faith back into the men fighting. He hopes Captain America can spark some life into the men who're stuck in hell and may not make it back home.
The soldiers do not like Captain America. They throw tomatoes at Steph. She uses the fake shield as defense as she slips off the stage. The girls give him a sad smile as they jump back on to give the soldiers what they want.
As they're packing up, Steph hides away in the infrastructure of the stage. Peggy finds her sketching a self-portrait of herself or Steve or Captain America or whoever the hell she is as a monkey on a unicycle.
"Hello, Stephanie," she says.
"Agent Carter, I didn't know you were here."
"Officially I'm not," she says, smiling. "That was quite of performance."
"The audience I'm used to are a little more… 12," Steph admits sheepishly.
Peggy laughs airily.
"Hey, bond sales take a 10 percent bump in every state I visit," Steph says defensively. "At least Senator Brandt has me doing this. Phillips would have me locked away in a lab."
"And those are your only two options?" Peggy asks, raising an eyebrow. "You were meant for more than this."
Steph feels small under Peggy's stare. Smaller then when she was actually small, even.
"All I wanted was to serve my country on the frontlines. I get everything I wanted and I'm wearing tights."
Peggy doesn't get to say anything in response. There's a commotion and they both turn to see some troops rushing another to the medical tent.
"These men look like they've been through hell," Steph comments.
"These men more than most," Peggy says. "Schmidt sent out a force to Rosano. Two hundred men went up against him and less than fifty returned. Your audience contained what was left of the 107th. The rest were killed or captured."
Steph feels cold.
"The 107th?" she repeats slowly.
Peggy nods. Steph stands abruptly, her notebook clattering to the ground. She marches over to where she'll find Phillips. He's sitting at a desk signing condolence papers and Steph starts to lose feelings in her fingers and there's a ringing in her ears.
"Why if it isn't the star spangled man with a plan," Phillips says with an interesting twist to his words. "And what is your plan for today?"
Steph scowls, knowing that he's mocking her.
"I need the casualty list for Rosano," Steph demands.
"You don't get to give me orders," Phillips scoffs.
"I just need one name," Steph begs. "Sergeant James Barnes from the 107th."
Colonel Phillips stands and looks at Peggy.
"We are going to have a conversation later that you aren't going to enjoy," he says.
"Please tell me if he's alive, sir. B-A-R-" Steph says, bringing the conversation back to its original purpose.
"I can spell," Phillips says dryly, snatching a stack of condolence letters and rifling through them. "I've signed more of these today than I would care to count but the name does sound familiar. I'm sorry."
Steph feels the world collapse around her. Bucky can't be dead. He can't be. He promised he's come back to her. He promised.
"What about the others? Are you planning a rescue mission?" Steph asks, voice sounding too weak for her liking.
"Yeah, it's called winning the war," Phillips replies.
"But if you know where they are, why not at least-" Steph says, floundering for words.
"They're thirty miles behind the lines. Through the most heavily fortified territory in Europe. We'd lose more men than we'd save. But I don't expect you to understand that, because you're a chorus girl," Phillips says cutting her off harshly.
Steph frowns.
"I think I understand just fine," she grits out.
"Well then understand it somewhere else. If I read the posters correctly, you got some place to be in 30 minutes," Phillips dismisses her with a wave of his hand.
Steph stares at the map detailing the location of the captured men.
"Yes, sir. I do."
Steph marches away and Peggy tails after her. Steph throws on her leather jacket and grabs one of the girls' helmets as well as her shield.
"What do you plan to do? Walk?" Peggy demands, realizing what Steph's going to do.
"If that's what it takes," she answers, appraising a vehicle.
She wonders if she could hotwire it.
"You heard the Colonel, you're friend is most likely dead."
Steph falters for a moment before turning to look at Peggy with dark eyes.
"You don't know that."
"Even so, he's devising a strategy to take –"
"It'll be too late!" Steph snaps. "You told me you thought I was meant for more than this. Did you mean that?"
"Every word."
"Then you gotta let me go," Steph begs.
Peggy looks her over and then nods.
"I can do more than that."
With the help of Howard and Peggy, Steph finds himself infiltrating the Hydra base. Her instincts kick in as she easily eliminates enemy soldier after enemy soldier.
When she finds the captured men, she tosses them the keys.
"Who are you suppose to be?" one asks, doubt creeping into his voice.
"I'm Captain America," Steph answers easily. "Is there a Sergeant James Barnes here?"
Another man answers her.
"They take a few of us away at time. No one ever comes back," he says.
Steph nods sharply.
"Get out fast and give 'em hell," she orders. "I'll meet you guys in the clearing with anybody else I find."
"Do know what you're doing?" the man who asked her who she was earlier questions.
Steph nods firmly.
"Yeah. I've knocked out Adolf Hitler over two hundred times."
She continues through the facility, desperately praying that she'll find Bucky alive. She takes out enemy after enemy. They will not stop her from getting to Bucky. She comes to a completely abandoned hallway and sees a short, stout man at the end, clutching his hat.
He doesn't look like a soldier. Steph's immediately interested in the room he's coming out of. The man has a briefcase held tightly to his chest, sending off red flags in her mind. They have a brief standoff before the man runs off and Steph comes to a bridge. She runs up to the entranceway, to possibly give chase, but pauses when she sees a man strapped to a table.
In an act of God, it's Bucky. He's alive and breathing and speaking (repeating his rank and serial number over and over). Steph hurries over to him and rips off the straps holding him to the table. Complex emotions wash over her as she watches Bucky attempt to focus on her.
"Hey, Buck, it's me Steph."
Bucky's eyes take another moment before finally focusing on Steph and a delirious smile breaks out on his face. Steph lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding and the cold that crept in when she had first heard of Bucky's supposed death is waning.
"Steph!" he exclaims.
"Come on," Steph instructs.
"Steph," he says again, quieter as he begins to fully come to.
"I thought you were dead," Steph blurts.
"I thought you were smaller," Bucky counters and for a moment things feel right.
Steph helps Bucky up and he easily slides an arm around her shoulders. She holds that arm in place and wraps her other arms around Bucky's waist. Just before they leave the room, Steph glances around and sees a map marking the location of all the facilities like this one. She quickly attempts to memorize them.
"What happened to you?" Bucky asks breathlessly.
"I joined the army!" Steph says, peeking out of the door.
The hallways are ominously empty. No one's coming this way anymore. Steph leads Bucky down the way she saw the short man go before.
"Did it hurt?" Bucky asks, a hint of worry in his voice.
"A little," Steph says but knows that Bucky will recognize her lie.
"Is it permanent?"
"So far."
Bucky's pretty chatty for a guy she just pulled off an experimentation table. Bucky continues to prod questions at Steph, until they arrive at a walkway and see someone else. The short man from earlier and a taller man are standing on the other side. Steph let's go of Bucky and stares at the men. Steph knows the taller man must be Johann Schmidt whom Erskine had spoken about briefly. They walk towards each other, Steph in a predatory way and Schmidt in a calmer matter.
"Captain America!" Schmidt says in an alarmingly familiar tone. It's as if he's inviting Steph in for a drink or dinner. "How exciting! I'm a great fan of your films. So Dr. Erskine managed it after all. Not exactly an improvement, but still impressive."
Steph pulls back her fist and punches the man as hard as she can. Schmidt is hardly affected.
"You have no idea," she mutters.
"Haven't I!" Schmidt laughs and draws back his own fist.
It happens so fast that Steph barely has time to pull up her shield. Schmidt leaves a fist shaped dent in it. The smaller man presses a button and Schmidt is pulled back to him and Steph back to Bucky.
"No matter what lies Erskine told you, you see, I was his greatest success!" Schmidt announces.
Steph watches in revulsion as Schmidt pulls of his face to reveal a red skull. The space below them has begun to violent erupt in fire. The false skin is dropped and burns up instantly.
"You don't have one of those, do you?" Bucky asks, in equal alarm.
"You are deluded, Captain! You pretend to be a simple soldier, but in reality you are just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind. Unlike you, I embrace it proudly without fear!"
"Then how come you're running?" Steph calls as Schmidt and the shorter scientist step into an elevator.
She gets no response as the elevator doors hiss shut, leaving her and Bucky alone in the burning room. She scans the room for the exit. It's on the other side, but there is no longer a bridge. There is beam of metal that looks like it could hold for at least one of them to make it to the other side.
"Come one," Steph says, directing Bucky to the beam. "You go first."
Bucky's sweating and looks ill. Steph has never seen Bucky look any less than a shining example of health. It terrifies her. She helps him on to the beam and guards him from falling for as far as she can reach. Steph holds her breath as he teeters all the way. The beam falls just as Bucky makes it to the other side leaving Steph trapped on the other side.
"Go!" she shouts to Bucky.
His brow furrows and he's clinging to the railing for dear life. Steph can allow herself to remain behind and maybe find another exit, as long as Bucky gets out.
"No! Not without you!" Bucky shouts back, his entire body shaking in outrage.
Of course, Bucky's always been 'it's both of us or none of us' kind of person. Steph looks at him carefully, before bending the railing. She's going to have to jump. She backs up to try and gain some momentum before throwing herself across. Bucky's watching her carefully; Steph's got to make it for him.
She takes the leap.
The march back to camp is filled with exhaustion and elation. First of all these men are free, but most of all they are former prisoners of war. They haven't eaten properly or sleept well in weeks. Some are in desperate need of medical attention. The men listen to Steph well enough as they march back to camp. Most people think she's a man and call her Cap as if she's an actual captain. But what counts is that they trust her, or they trust the Captain at least, to get them back.
Bucky doesn't talk much. Neither does Steph. She's too focused on getting these men back. It's almost like her adrenaline is always high. Bucky does do his best to make sure her orders are carried out.
Marching back into camp, with Bucky at her side, Steph feels like she's finally doing what she was born to do. The remaining men meet up with them and there's disbelief on their faces. Phillips and Peggy seek out Steph immediately. Phillips approves and Peggy gives her a knowing smile.
Bucky shouts out and suddenly everyone's cheering. Steph has never been treated like this before. It's a nice feeling.
Once the men are properly taken care of, Steph is given her own tent and told to wait for debriefing. They'll be heading to the more secure HQ soon enough.
The medics clear Bucky. There's nothing wrong with him. Physically. Steph can see a darkness that wasn't there before. It might just be the war, but Steph thinks that Bucky had braced himself for death back there, strapped to the table in the Hydra compound. Thought God had abandoned him. Steph wishes she could erase his demons.
The moment Bucky's clear, he marches right into Steph's tent. He's got a stormy look on his face and Steph knows there's going to be hell. Now that they're in somewhat safer area and the heat of the moment is gone, Bucky's realized the actual situation.
"What's all this?" Bucky demands, waving his hands around furiously.
"I got a chance, Buck, and I took it," Steph replies.
"You could have died! Do you even know what they did to you? Did they inject you with something? What if you had an allergic reaction? Do you even think, Stephanie?" Bucky shouts.
"I needed to be here, Buck. I'm no good back home. If I hadn't done this, then you and all the rest of those men would be dead."
Bucky bites his lip and Steph knows she got him.
"Still you were being an idiot. I told you not to do anything stupid while I was gone. How long did you take? A week?"
"Before you left actually."
Bucky explodes.
"What do you mean, 'before I left?'" Bucky yells.
"The recruitment office at the Stark Expo," Steph explains.
Bucky looks almost comical, the way his eyes seem to bug out.
"I can't leave you alone at all can I?" he whispers.
Steph shrugs helplessly.
"And you gotta dress like a man? No one knows you're a girl, do they?"
"A few people do," Steph says.
"What am I going to do with you, Steph?" Bucky sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
Steph gets to put together a special ops team for Hydra related matters. She immediately seeks out the men she had given the reins to back in the facility. They seem pretty eager to join Captain America. When Steph had found them in the bar, they didn't recognize her at first dressed up finely but not in away to disguise her as a man. They quickly recognized Steph by her voice.
None of them have a vocal problem with her being a woman, so Steph assumes they'll be good about following her orders in the field. Dugan says that if she can fight like that, he'd follow her anywhere. Man or woman.
Steph finds Bucky in the emptier room, nursing a whisky. He's a mess. His face is unshaven and his eyes red. She hasn't seen him much since they left camp, being busy with the preparation for her special ops team.
He smiles lightly at her when she slides into the stool next to him.
"You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?" Steph asks.
"Hell no!" Bucky says, drinking the rest of the drink. "That girl from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run from a fight, I'm following her."
Steph beams at Bucky.
"You're keeping that outfit though?" Bucky asks.
Steph's earlier grin, turns into a soft and fond smile.
"It's kind of grown on me."
Steph loves her shield. The moment she runs her hands along it, she's in love. It quickly becomes an extension of her body as she flings it at her enemies. The shield seems to have a mind of its own, a personality Bucky declares after he attempts to throw it and the shield only ends up awkwardly lodged in the dirt. It only ever returns to her. Whenever someone else throws it, the shield lodges itself into some foreign object.
The outfit is a little more difficult to explain. The world still wants Captain America to be man. (The face of America can't be a woman some tries to tell her. Bucky breaks their nose before Steph gets a chance to.) So Howard is forced to modify Steph's designs to hide her femininity. She's legally contracted to keep her own identity a secret. Peggy assures her that even if she were a man, the government would want her real identity a secret.
Thus Steve Rogers lives on, but this time he's getting credit for Steph's actual actions. Steph's contributions to the war effort and as she impacts the world, Steve gets all the credit. She actively does her best to avoid any media or she'll be forced to be Steve Rogers.
(It's far too easy to be Steve Rogers.)
The days as the Howling Commandos whip by. They are constantly infiltrating Hydra and crushing Schmidt at every opportunity.
Her team is fiercely loyal to her and her alone. They don't let anyone getting away with mocking Stephanie or Steve Rogers. Stephanie's oddly thankful. She wishes she knew that, if they weren't all legal bound to the United States Government, would they correct people when they talked about Captain America as a man and say she was actually a woman?
She's glad Bucky is on the team because he's the only one she knows for sure that is watching out for just Steph Rogers. It's a good thing he's a fantastic shot too, so he can get Steph out of situations before she actually gets into them.
Soon enough they're on the winning stretch against Hydra and the tides of the war overall seem to be turning. Steph finds herself waiting on a cliff for a train holding Arnim Zola, the man who experimented on Bucky, to appear so she could capture him for the Allies.
There's a zip line and one shot. Steph thinks about asking Bucky not to come, but knows that's a useless cause. Bucky isn't staying anywhere while Steph risks her life.
"Hey, Steph," Bucky asks as they both look over the cliff. "Remember that time I made you ride the Cyclone on Coney Island?"
"Yeah and I threw up?"
"This isn't payback, is it?"
Steph grins.
"Now why would I do that?"
Bucky looks at her in disbelief. Soon enough, the train arrives and they are zipping down the line.
She and Bucky get separated quickly, but Steph knows that Bucky can hold his own in a fight. It's only when their united that things get sticky. Bucky doesn't focus on himself when Steph's down, he focuses on Steph.
He picks up the shield and Steph wants to tell him not to. The shield is useless in anyone's hands but hers. It proves to be Bucky's downfall. The blast is too much and he goes flying off the edge of the train.
In a blind rage, Steph kills the final Hydra soldier and runs to Bucky's aid. He's barely hanging on as they reach for each other. The precariously attached railing breaks apart and Bucky's not lucky enough as they make one last grab for each other. Steph watches Bucky fall as she speeds away, hand still stretched out.
Part of Steph falls with him.
Steph smashes Hydra. Then she crashes her plane.
Notes:
This is part 1 of 2
So instead of studying for finals I did this. Stephanie Rogers has been a bit of a passion of mine for awhile and after several failed attempts to write something productive about her - this happened. A lot of this is born from my Steph Rogers head canons.
There a few instances in this where direct lines are taken from "Captain America: The First Avenger." The second part will contain direct lines from "The Avengers" and "Captain America: The Winter Soldier."
Title comes form "Come Home, Pt II" by Skylar Grey
Translations:
(Source: bitesizeirishgaelic on "Irish Endearments")
Ah leanbh = 'my child'
A ghrá = love
A mhuirnín = darling
A stór = my treasure
A rúnsearc = secret love
A ghrá geal = my bright love
A dhlúthchara = my best/closest friend
**Several of these can be used as platonic or romantic terms, as mentioned. The one term 'A dhlúthchara' is a more modern term as mentioned from the website - but I'm note entirely certain on how modern, so I'm bending the language just a little here.
I saw some interesting meta the other day on Bucky being drafted, which is why Bucky has been drafted in this fic and didn't enlist.
It's noted that in the MCU Bucky has four younger siblings not just a sister (Rebecca) like he does in the comic canon.