A/N: Well howdy, y'all! It's been quite a while, hasn't it? First of all, let me say that I'm extremely happy to be back...I just wish it wasn't under such stressful circumstances! But I was laying in bed on Sunday night and I couldn't help but picture what it was going to be like when Daryl found out that Carol was gone. At least, I'm hoping it'll go a little something like this (fingers crossed!) This takes place after 4x04, Indifference, when Daryl's group returns to the prison.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Walking Dead or any of it's characters. However, I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to borrow them for my own purposes.
He knew something was wrong when she didn't greet him at the gate. She had always managed to be there as soon as he returned from his runs, standing watch, willing to help carry supplies into the cellblock or take fresh game to the kitchen to be prepared. But this time she was nowhere to be found. Daryl had brushed it off at the time, telling himself that she was busy with the infected and was most likely doing everything in her power to keep them comfortable while they were suffering.
But when the medicine was distributed throughout the cellblock and the supplies were unpacked and he had checked all of her usual spots in the prison, there was still no sign of her. He reached into his pants pocket and gripped the jasper stone tightly in his fist, trying to keep calm and steady his breathing. Carol had to be around here somewhere. Had to be.
He was about five minutes shy of climbing up into the watch tower and yelling his head off until she came out to meet him when he found Rick in the yard, standing by the ashes of his former pig pen. Rick stood there, his hands on his hips, staring past the fence and into the trees; Daryl could tell immediately that the man before him was lost in thought, and it made his stomach tighten. He let out a short whistle to get Rick's attention, and the former sheriff whipped around, his handing reaching for the gun in the holster at his waist.
Daryl held his hands up, palms out. "Easy. S'just me."
Rick relaxed, his hands immediately going back to his hips. He glanced down at his boots before meeting Daryl's gaze. "You're back. Got what we needed?"
Daryl nodded. "Yep. Hershel's passin everything out now."
"And the others?" Rick asked, glancing towards the cellblock.
"Present and accounted for…" he trailed off and shook his head slightly before continuing. "Not sure how well Ty is holdin up after all this. He did some stupid shit out there, nearly got himself killed a few times. And Stookey…" he paused again, not quite sure how much he should mention to the former leader about Stookey and his habit for booze.
Deciding to keep the full story to himself unless his threat went unheeded, he shrugged. "We might need to keep an eye on 'im. He might be goin out there for our sake, but he's a bit too focused on 'is own shit."
Rick nodded seriously. "Noted."
Daryl shoved his hands in his pocket and felt the smooth jasper stone under his fingers once again. He cleared his throat, his stomach tightening before he finally asked, "Rick…you, uh…you seen Carol around?"
All it took was Rick pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers for Daryl to be hit by a sudden wave of intense nausea. Rick was talking, but there was a loud rushing noise in Daryl's ears that made it hard for him to concentrate.
"We went on a run. Carol and me. We had to replace the contaminated food in D, so we went out to a suburb about 20 miles east to see what we could find," Rick said slowly, staring down at his boots. When Daryl said nothing, he continued. "We decided to split up so we could check the houses faster and I- I told her to yell if she ran into trouble. She told me should would be fine but we just ended up so far apart-"
"She's dead," Daryl interrupted quietly. It wasn't a question.
Rick finally looked up to meet Daryl's gaze. The two stood there, staring at each other for a beat before Rick ducked his head down again, covering his eyes with his hand.
It was all Daryl saw before turning on his heel and stalking back towards to cellblock.
He didn't know how he ended up in the library of all places, but he sat in his usual seat around the table where they held their council meetings. The library was empty apart from him, and he sat backwards in his chair, gripping the back so tightly that his knuckles were white.
Daryl couldn't think, couldn't speak, could hardly even breathe. He stared at Carol's empty seat, the one she had occupied only a day before, and tried to wrap his head around the fact that she was never coming back. No more teasing, no more coy glances from across the room, no more "pookie." Carol had survived everything for so long, had transformed from a scared little mouse to a fearless soldier, so how could she possibly be gone just like that?
He slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out the jasper stone, examining it closely. Daryl had practically memorized its color, shape, and weight on the ride back to the prison. Michonne had joked that it brought out the color of his eyes, but he had really picked it up for Carol. It was like the Cherokee Rose he had picked for her when Sophia was missing; jasper was a stone of protection and its being green meant that it was also a talisman for healing.
The thing is, when he picked up that stone, he knew it was pretty. But he also knew she wouldn't care about that. He would have handed it to her and she would have smiled and asked about the story, the legend, the inspiration behind that gift. She would have believed every word he said and carried that rock around with her everywhere because she knew it would make him feel better. And that was why he had wanted her to have it…especially because, if the myths really were true, it might have offered her some protection as well.
But it was too late for that, wasn't it? She was gone and it didn't matter how badly he had wanted to protect her because he couldn't bring her back. All of the time they had shared and the comfort they had found in each other was nothing now, just memories that made his whole body ache. Daryl remembered feeling that way once before, when he thought she had been killed by walkers in the tomb along with T-Dog. But that was different; he had found her, after all. This time there was no hope. Carol was gone for good.
He stood up and hurled the stone as hard as he could. It was small, so he barely heard the cracking sound it made when it connected with the linoleum across the room. Unsatisfied with the stillness in the room, Daryl grabbed the side of the table and jerked upwards, flipping the table with a resounding "CRASH." He had no idea what he was doing, no control over his body; all he could see was the white hot rage that filled his mind.
He picked up the chair he had just been sitting in moments before, gripped it by the back, and threw it towards the wall. The old wood splintered and smashed before him, two of the legs snapping off entirely, and the sound echoing throughout the library. He didn't wait for silence to fall again until he was at the closest bookshelf, pushing against it with everything he had. It took a few seconds, but with a final thrust of his shoulder, the bookshelf toppled to the ground, books flying and shelves smashing as they made contact with the hard linoleum.
Daryl was about to make his way to the next bookshelf he could find, but he felt a hand grip his shoulder. He jerked around to find a very startled Rick staring him down, and he suddenly realized that he had a tight hold on Rick's wrist.
"Heard the commotion and came runnin," he said slowly, as if he was talking to a scared animal. "You wanna tell me what the hell you're doin?"
"You wanna tell me what the hell you were doin, takin her out on a run with no backup?" Daryl snarled through clenched teeth.
Rick's eyes flickered to the grip Daryl had on his wrist before very calmly saying, "We were short on food. Everyone had their hands full with the infected. I couldn't take anyone else."
"Then you shoulda waited for us to get back!" Daryl spat, refusing to loosen his grip.
"We didn't have that kinda time!" Rick boomed and Daryl snapped, shoving the other man into the closest wall and pinning him there.
"HOW COULD YOU LET HER GO OFF BY HERSELF?!" He howled, and Rick held his hands up, palms facing out.
"Daryl…it was an accident. Just an accident. I hate that it happened, but she's gone and you gotta let me go."
Daryl stood his ground, his chest heaving and his breathing heavy. Finally, he released Rick and took a few steps backwards, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes.
Rick sighed. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. But we gotta stay focused on what's happening right in front of us."
Throwing his hands to his sides, Daryl looked up. "Yer right. I- I didn't mean'ta…" he trailed off, trying to avoid Rick's gaze. "I mean…we lost 'er once already. Or we thought. An' now we were, I mean she an' I…" he shook his head. "Nevermin'. Doesn't matter now."
Rick raised his hands to his hips before looking around at the damage at their feet. "We'll get someone in to clean this up soon. But now we've got some bigger things to worry about…we should head back to D, check up on Hershel and see if those meds are workin'."
Daryl was going to nod in agreement, but something caught his eye. Something in Rick's pocket had caught the light when he had shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and Daryl could barely make out a familiar circular shape…
He had advanced on Rick in seconds, so fast that the former sheriff didn't have time to stop Daryl from reaching into his pocket and pulling out a familiar watch. Rick reached out in attempts to snatch it back, but Daryl was across the room in a flash. He turned over the watch in his hand once, twice, and then he knew.
It was Carol's.
Daryl looked up at Rick in shock and saw that the other man wore a clear look of guilt on his face.
"This is Carol's watch," he said slowly.
Rick held out a hand cautiously. "Just hand it back to me."
"Why do you have Carol's watch?!" Daryl hissed. He was immediately hit by a wave of realization and went back to inspecting the watch.
"So you took 'er out on a run and y'all got separated," he said, not looking up. "But somehow, you ended up with this. Maybe she gave it to you so you'd know when to meet back up. But why would she do that when you've got a watch yerself?"
"Daryl," Rick pleaded.
"And it's just a little too perfect that she knew to give it to ya right before she got killed, idin'it?" He finally looked up to meet Rick's gaze. "So what really happen'd, Rick?"
The silence between them was stifling. Daryl knew it was only a matter of seconds, but it felt like an hour before Rick finally said, "I had to leave 'er behind."
In an instant, Daryl was on Rick again, pinning him to the wall with his arm angled against the other man's neck. "Yer tellin me you took 'er on a run and you LEFT 'ER THERE?!"
Rick could barely speak with Daryl's arm against his throat, but Daryl could barely make out, "She had supplies. A car. She left."
As quickly as he had pinned him, Daryl had released Rick and was running towards the door.
"Where are you goin?" Rick wheezed, his hand reaching up to massage his throat.
"WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK I'M GOIN?" Daryl shouted without turning around.
"Wait, stop, you can't- Daryl, you don't understand!" Rick called, but Daryl wasn't deterred. It wasn't until his hand was on the door handle that he heard Rick yell, "She killed David and Karen!"
Daryl's whole body froze and his heart plummeted into his stomach. He turned around slowly and narrowed his eyes at Rick. "What?"
"She told me," Rick said seriously, taking a few cautious steps towards Daryl. "Claimed they were already dyin…she did it to put them outta their misery."
Daryl could hardly speak. Hadn't she stood there and watched Tyreese break down? Wasn't she the one who suggested they figure out where everyone was when the murders could have taken place? How could she have done something like that all on her own? When he promised Tyreese he could put a bolt in the killer, Carol was the furthest person from his mind.
Rick continued. "She decided on her own to kill Karen and David and burn their bodies to stop this- this sickness from spreading."
Daryl looked up. "So she was tryin to protect everyone."
Rick squinted and cocked his head to the side. "You listinin to yourself? You think she had the right to make that decision on 'er own? You saw how Tyreese reacted, you said yourself he's not all there anymore. And now you're tryin to justify it?"
"I'm just tryin to say I understand it. Not that it was right!" Daryl snapped.
"But Karen and David might have survived! And it still spread and people are still dyin, so what good did it do at all for her to kill two of our own in cold blood?!"
"Well what good did it do to send 'er off on 'er own?!" Daryl shot back. "You shoulda got the council together, figured out what'ta do with 'er together. Ain't that why yer mad, cause she was callin the shots on 'er own?!"
"SHE KILLED PEOPLE."
"WE ALL KILLED PEOPLE."
A deafening silence fell before Daryl finally added, "Idin't that why you ask that question? Ta everyone you take in?"
Rick shook his head. "It's the "why" that's important."
"But I know why she did it. And I don't like it, but I'm gonna go find 'er and bring 'er back. Cause maybe you can just leave 'er after all this time, but I sure as hell ain't gonna."
"She's not the same as she was before!" Rick snapped.
"She's Carol!" Daryl fired back. "She's the one who saved our asses back at the CDC! She's the one who looked after yer own daughter when you couldn't even look at 'er, and she's the one who stepped up and organized the council when you decided you didn't wanna play leader anymore!"
"You sayin that erases what she did? Makes it better?" Rick hissed.
"No. I'm sayin we don't turn our backs on our own."
A tense silence fell between them and Rick finally turned away, glancing at his boots before looking up again. "You can't go," he said, almost pleading. "We need you 'round here, especially with all that's goin on."
Daryl scoffed. "Maybe shoulda thought'a that before you made this decision on yer own," he said bitterly. "You got Michonne. She said she ain't plannin on goin out again anytime soon. And Maggie if you need backup."
Rick sighed and reached a hand to rub his forehead. They stood in silence once again until Rick finally relented. "My map's still in the front seat. Like I said, the suburb was about 20 miles east of here. She took the same way out of the neighborhood, but just kept headin up the road."
Daryl gave him a quick nod before heading back toward the door. As he reached for the door handle, he heard Rick say, "I was just lookin out for my family."
Daryl turned to him one last time. "Carol is family."
The slam of the door shutting behind him echoed through the hallways as he made his way out to the cars.