Title: Go
Author: thousand_miles
Rating: K
Disclaimer: don't own any of these characters. Just borrowing them.
Summary: She'd told him to go and so he'd gone. (Lizzington)
He was in yet another safe house in yet another city. He'd lost count of the cities and the houses he'd been at so far. He didn't care about that anymore. He hardly took any time to furnish the houses. There was no use. Not one of them would ever come near to feeling like a home. He would never have a home anymore. Not without her.
He'd always lived a solitary life and had never felt alone. Ever since she'd told him to leave the loneliness was more pronounced. There were days that he didn't leave the house. He'd hardly dealt with his business anymore. He let Dembe deal with it all. Nothing held his interest anymore. Life had lost its beauty, or to be more precise beauty had left him. When he was out and about he sometimes thought he saw her on the streets or in a restaurant. His heart would start to beat faster, but it always ended in that heart wrenching moment in which he realised that she wasn't there and it was all a figment of his imagination.
The moment she'd asked him to disappear from her life, was the moment he'd lost a part of himself. He missed her so much. He missed seeing her striking blue eyes that could render him speechless. He missed her soft smile that made his heart skip a beat. He missed how her presence filled his heart and body with a sense of belonging. He needed her in his life, but he could not have her. He did not deserve her. He'd always known that. It was still painful to be confronted with it every day. He had misjudged the impact she'd had on his life. He always thought of himself as a man who planned and foresaw almost everything, especially the crucial bits. How had he not seen this coming? She'd never been predictable, nor would she ever be. That was where he'd gone wrong thinking he could somehow steer her, steer her towards him.
He didn't regret his decision to find her all those months ago. Having had the chance to be a part in her life had been tremendous. Painful at times, but most of all he felt privileged. He could live with the pain and loneliness because he at least still had memories of their time spent together. In his dreams he could still hear her voice and her soft laugh. He would reach out to for her, but then she always turned away. His dreams also showed him a life of what could have been. Those dreams were the hardest to shake. Those dreams haunted him during the day because they showed a life he'd yearned for. A life that would never be.
Maybe it was naïve of him to think that she would ever think of him as anything different than a criminal. At one point he thought their partnership was evolving into at least a friendship, maybe even a deep friendship. There were even fleeting moments when he thought he saw a glimpse of something more in her eyes. But he realised that was his mind playing tricks on him by showing him what he longed for most. Life was cruel like that.
How could have let himself fall in love with her? He should have been stronger, should have resisted those feelings from the moment they'd appeared. But they'd surprised him, snuck up on him and by the time he'd realised it, it had been too late. His heart had already made the decision that it was hers to have. He would never regret loving her though because he loved her with all the good he had in him. He loved her with all the good she brought out of him. He loved her with every fibre of his being.
He knew he didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve such beauty and goodness in his life. He was a criminal. He'd made too many mistake, had ruined too many life to deserve anything that could bring him joy. That's how karma worked.
He would have waited for her forever. Would have loved her from a distance, forever. Would have yearned for her, forever. But forever was not an option. The dream of forever was gone, crushed by that one word… go.
The End