Freedom of the Spirit

Warning: Boys love, don't like, don't read.

Pairing: YugixYami, I guess it's what's called "puzzleshipping" but there's no ship in the puzzle.

Rated M for later chapters

I wrote this story because writing makes me relax. Especially in English, even though it's not my first language. I therefore apologize in advance for mistakes. I try my best to make it work.

- Chapter 1 -

The Spirit of the Millennium Puzzle. He's always been right by my side, and after all those years, even though I have already nearly lost him many times, he's still there. But now he's not just a spirit anymore. After our final duel, he was supposed to go back to the spirit world, but instead he forced himself to stay in this world and earned himself a body, and also his mortality. Luckily, Grandpa was very accepting of him and offered him a room at our home immediately. He's been living with us ever since and I can tell he is somewhat struggling with the modern age, yet he's chosen this life for himself. For what reason I still don't know, but I'd be lying if I'd say I wasn't happy he's still here with me.

I had grown so accustomed to the Spirit of the Puzzle to be the one I talked to during hard times, but I had also grown accustomed to the fact that he had always retreated back into the deepest and darkest chambers of his puzzle once he was no longer "needed". Only now that he has his own body do I understand why. He appears to take a lot of time deep in thought. And it's at those times that he seems unreachable, but I know he will answer me. However, he never tells me exactly what he's thinking about. Sometimes I wonder if he regrets his decision and this scares me. Better not think about it too much or I'll become insecure.

I took a deep breath and sighed. I guess I still can't believe it. Even as I look at him now, his existence seems almost unreal to me as he is sitting in my windowsill with his head turned towards the window, and the moonlight giving his skin an eerie glow. He looks just like a spirit, which he was and will maybe be once more after this life.

As always, he's wearing that white linen shirt at night. I guess he feels most comfortable in it because his past self was so accustomed to wear this type of clothing. Maybe he is thinking about his past, after all, an existence so long must have gather more memories than I could ever imagine. As with most people, their earliest memories are treasured, no matter how bad they are. And in my view, Yami has taken a few tokens of his past, like Egyptian inspired jewellery, the souvenir like statues of sphinxes and pyramids he keeps in his room, and of course his shirt.

I can't deny that he looks handsome in those clothes. Even though it's a bit loose on him, it doesn't hide his broad shoulders and strong, slim arms… Shit, my heart is starting to pick up speed again. At these times, I'm really glad we are not connected by our minds anymore, because he would have known my true feelings for him.

"Are you alright, Yugi?" Suddenly, he's looking at me, piercing right through me with those sharp almond eyes. I feel as though I can keep no secret from him, but I know I'm able to now. I have to.

"Yeah." I replied. He caught me off guard. "What are you thinking about?" I asked, trying to sound casual and wishing my earlier thoughts away.

"I'm just looking at the stars." He said, turning his head back to the window.

What an answer. Of course he is. I can tell from just looking.

"That's all?" I asked, trying to get him to tell me more.

"Hmm…" He stayed completely still, his eyes fixed on the street below now. "I'm also thinking… that I like this."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I like the soft light and tonight is so clear and tranquil." There is a small smile on his lips. He is truly calm right now.

"I know what you mean." I replied as I got up from my chair. And as soon as I said that, he was back into his own mind.

I switched off the lamp on my desk and lay flat on my bed staring at the shadows on the ceiling, cast by the moonlight – the only light – coming into my room.

"At times like this I really miss the desert at night." He said after ten minutes out of the blue. "I never missed it when I lost my memory. Sometimes I wonder if it was better to never know."

It must be painful. I wanted to say that I'm sorry, I wanted to take his pain away, but I had no idea how to. But I could always try.

"You'd still be wondering about your past if you didn't know." I respond. "It's never bad to know your past, besides the things you can miss, you also know what calms you the most, what stands closest to your heart, your home."

"You have a point there." He said, smiling again.

"But I know that remembering makes you desire things that have long past. We can visit Egypt together sometime if you want. Even though it's not exactly the same, I think it would do you good."

"Maybe you're right, little Yugi."

"Little Yugi…" I echo softly. It wasn't meant to be answered, but he answered anyway with a solid:

"Yes."

I sigh. I guess that name will never change.

"I think about the past too sometimes." I said. "Sometimes I think back and miss the connection we had, then I would understand better how you feel." Crap, as soon as I said it, I start blushing and I'm very glad it's too dark to distinguish colours. I was being way too honest.

"Hmmm. Maybe we still have it." He stood up from the windowsill and walked over to me, placing one hand on the side of my bed. Then he started bending over.

"H-huh?" My eyes went wide with shock. What's happening?

"Let me check." He said as he closed the distance.

I could feel his forehead touching mine and his breath touching my skin. My heart was hammering in my chest with his face so close to mine. My hands started to tremble. The moment seemed to last for ages.

"A-and?" Stop stuttering! I told myself. "Anything?"

"… Your skin is hot." Yami said a bit too seriously, and I'm not sure if it was truly funny or if it were the nerves but I laughed at the remark.

"Hahaha. I'm glad we still have it then." I said, glad that the laughter brought me some relief.

As I laughed, he removed his head from mine and sat up straight, looking at me with a solemn expression. I couldn't make out his thoughts, but it felt as though my laughs were inappropriate and it made me stop laughing immediately. The trembling did not stop and it was getting harder to breath as we looked at each other.

"You're not sick are you?" He said.

"No, why ask?" I said more than asked.

"You're trembling." He said, taking one of my hands into his own. The touch was gentle but it felt like an electric jolt went through my body nevertheless. I clenched my other hand into a fist in a desperate attempt to get more control over my body.

"Oh." I said, immediately regretting the stupid answer. "Right."

He didn't respond, but at that moment it was as though I could hear his question anyway: Why then?

"Maybe I'm just a bit tired." I lied. I was wide awake. How could I not be?

"I see." He said, slanting his eyes. "Sometimes I too wish we still shared the connection of our minds." He knew I was lying, but I had no idea what to do about it. I just lay there, trying to control my breath and hands while he held on to me. We stayed like that for a brief moment.

"We should get some sleep. It's getting late." He said as he looked away. He squeezed my hand shortly before letting go entirely. "Good night." He stood up and headed for the door.

"Good night." I said softly. He nodded and closed the door behind him.

As soon as he left, I held my hand like it was a precious gift I got from him. I felt I was still trembling, and even more so than I initially thought. Maybe it was those slender fingers that had squeezed my hand not moments ago. No, it was everything. Everything about him makes me feel this way.

I wanted him so badly, but what should I do? If I tell him my feelings, he might feel obliged to leave my side. He might distance himself. I may lose him altogether. I know I have to give up, but it just feels impossible.

When I got back in my room, I closed the door behind me and leaned against it, placing a hand on my forehead to comfort myself, to let my guard down for a moment. I'm very bad at controlling my actions, and even if I was capable to do so, I would probably still choose not to. The memory of these kinds of desires is faint, but it feels so sweet to have them once more. I feel that even though I might not be a man of purest action, my feelings are so beautiful that I could cry. Because I am human.

I knew it was because I felt something I had lost long ago, something I thought I would never feel again. The luck I have received by being granted another life seems almost to good to be true. Compared to all those years of silence, these few years of existence are worth more to me more than a thousand years of living.

At first, the only reason I ever chose to stay in this world was because of Yugi. But now I understood the deeper meaning of my choice. I just couldn't bare to live for eternity, especially not after making friends, after having felt through Yugi what it was to live once again. When I met Yugi, I understood how much I wanted to have human contact again. When I was supposed to go back to the spirit world, I realized how much pain I went through the first time I was trapped into my millennium puzzle. Even though it would not be exactly the same all over again, the idea of another eternity spend without the beauty I had so briefly witnessed again filled me with so much fear that it broke me. I started to cry in front of Osiris, and as I looked up, I saw that he was the type of God decided by the eye of the beholder. He stood there that time not as God of the underworld, but as the God of rebirth, the God of hope. And this was the solemn act of mercy I knew I needed to save my soul. And I think Osiris knew that too.

When I told Yugi about it, he told me what he thought had happened by an analogy and it made a lot of sense to me back then and it still does now: "During war times, soldiers would keep common people as prisoners to make them spill secrets about other peoples plans or whereabouts. A lot of these people were strong, and would not spill their secrets so easily. They didn't want to betray anyone and stayed loyal to their beliefs and their loved once. But the soldiers knew this, so they kept them in prison for a long time under harsh conditions. Then, they would set them free, so that the prisoners could taste freedom. But not for long, because they would capture them again a few streets away, and once the recaptured people realized they were going into prison again, it broke them and they would tell their secrets to get out of prison as soon as they could. More than not being able to stand the prison, they could not stand losing their freedom a second time so soon after. Of course, they wouldn't let them, but that is not the point. Everybody can withstand a long period of prison, be it in body or mind, but tasting freedom and opening your heart after such a period makes it emotionally far more taxing to go back, especially when you don't know what is coming and for how long. I think this has also happened to you, in a sense."

Yugi was right. And it was only after this story that I could see my feelings more clearly. I could see a story behind what had happened and it helped me accept my fate better. When he had told me, I realized just how well he understood me, and more importantly, how much he cared for me. I think it was at this moment that I truly fell in love with him. Maybe I had feelings for him before that, but it became crystal clear at that time. After that, I started to crave for more than just talks. I fell in love with his very being. His gentle heart and level of loyalty to his close ones remain a mystery to me. I've never met someone like him and I've never felt anything like this before.

Tonight I was close to kissing him. I wanted to, but I'm too afraid that I'm miscalculating his behaviour. What if he does not reciprocate my feelings? Maybe he was just tired, but I truly hope he wasn't afraid of me. Either way he is too sensitive for his own good, and that is exactly what makes me want to touch him. I want to make him feel things he never even knew possible.

I glanced at the clock; it was past midnight already. I should sleep, but my mind was still too occupied so I decided to calm myself down another half an hour before I could finally lay to rest.

Author's Notes

I hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter will be published within the next few days.

The story about the capturing and recapturing by soldiers was a tactic the Nazis used in WOII Germany. It is a story I hold close to my heart, because I think the analogy also applies to people who suffer from any kind of addiction or bad relationship.