How To Get Fed To Smokie For Idiots by Teenage Anomaly
Disclaimer: I do not own Lost. This is for my own sad amusement.
John Locke
1. Use his head as a mirror.
2. Follow him around, singing, "Destiny! Destiny! No escaping destiny!"
3. Call Kate Helen.
4. Ask him when he and Jack are moving in together.
5. Sneak into his tent when he's sleeping and just stare at him until he wakes up.
6. Put fish in his underwear.
7. Draw all over his head with a sharpie.
8. Draw an anchor tattoo on his forearm, get him a can of spinach, and call him Popeye.
9. Draw a scar over your right eye and go around lecturing people about "fate" and "destiny".
10. Ask him who died and made him boss.
11. Make a wig out of grasses and leaves and various greenery and insist that he wear it.
12. Make thinly veiled references to his and Ben's hot, steamy hatch sex, which you know they had. You know it.
13. Smear red paint over you face and stumble around behind him, saying, "Teresa falls up the stairs, Teresa falls down the stairs."
14. Tell him you like his hair.
15. Flash him whenever you get the chance.
16. All the bald jokes you can think of.
17. Talk all the time about how gorgeous Ben was.
18. Paint the inside of the hatch bright, bright pink and put icy-hot on all the toilet seats.
19. Refer to him as Colin Mocherie.
20. Tell people that Smokie is a direct effect of global warming.
21. Offer to share your shampoo with him.
22. Make him a shirt that says, "Plane-1, Boone-0" and insist he wears it around Shannon, Sayid and Jack.
23. Go into the hatch, install an organ, wear half a mask, sing Andrew Lloyd Webber and refer to Locke as Christine.
24. Spray his head with windex and rub it clean. If he asks what you're doing, tell him his hair looked greasy.
25. Refer to the island as his "precious".
26. Buy him a rabbit and name him Boone.
27. Talk all the time about how gorgeous Boone was and how tragic it is that his life was cut so cruelly short…
TBC...
A/N: With all the seriousness going on in ARLH, I needed to write something light-hearted. Some of these are so stupid, but it was fun to write. If you have any suggestions, let me hear 'em and I'll add them and credit to you! PLEASE REVIEW, and go check out my other stories!
Sarah.