The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is at another party. This takes place shortly after the story A Productive Day At The Figgis Agency. My mind is just making up drama. And craziness. Well these people have to do something while Archer is in a coma!
Ron Cadillac's House Of Pleasure
"Thank you Lana, for coming with me," Mallory sighed as she rode in the front seat of Lana's car. "I can't believe I've been kicked out of my own home by my husband. Again!"
"I can," Cyril grumbled as he sat in the back seat.
"Quiet game, Cyril!" Lana snapped as she drove.
"Why am I here?" Cyril asked. "All Ms. Archer is going to get are some clothes, jewels and what I suspect is half the contents of her bar."
"Exactly," Mallory snapped. "I need you to carry my things to the car. And into my new apartment."
"And by things she means her alcohol stash," Lana added.
"I don't want Ron drinking my supply of vintage Glengoolie Gold!" Mallory snapped. "And I have several other valuable wines and rare spirits which I have been saving for a special occasion."
"What occasion?" Cyril asked. "Any day that ends with a Y?"
Lana remarked. "Good one."
"Lana!" Mallory was shocked.
"Well it's true!" Lana said. "I'm surprised you have any alcohol in your house you've held onto longer than Tuesday!"
"Today is Wednesday," Mallory said.
"Exactly," Lana said.
"Good one," Cyril snickered.
"You're lucky you found an apartment in LA so fast," Lana said.
"By pimping me out," Cyril groaned.
"By the way how was Evelyn?" Mallory asked.
"Surprisingly nimble," Cyril shrugged.
"Oh God," Lana groaned.
"We exchanged numbers," Cyril said. "We agreed to keep it casual."
"Translation," Mallory groaned. "She's keeping you in reserve when she can't get a real date!"
"That's not necessarily a bad thing," Cyril admitted.
Mallory let out a breath. "I can't believe we've separated again. Right when I need Ron the most…"
"What did Ron say when you called him?" Lana asked.
"What do you mean?" Mallory asked. "I haven't talked to him since he kicked me out in front of the police station!"
"Wait you didn't call to tell Ron you were coming to pick up your things?" Cyril asked.
"Why would I?" Mallory snapped. "It's still technically my house even though I'm not living there! Temporarily."
"Isn't the house in Ron's name?" Lana asked.
"You should have called him," Cyril said.
"I don't need to call to visit my own husband and get my own things!" Mallory snapped. "Besides this is only temporary. I'm sure after a few days Ron will come to his senses…"
"Yeah, that's what men do," Lana said sarcastically. "Come to their senses!"
"Still mad because Archer didn't?" Cyril asked. "Literally or figuratively?"
"Pick one!" Lana snapped.
"We're almost there," Mallory said. "Turn left."
"I know," Lana said. "I have driven here before. Several times."
"I'm just saying…" Mallory said.
"Mallory, I think I know…" Lana paused. "Is there some kind of block party going on?"
"There's balloons all over the street," Cyril noticed. "People everywhere. I smell barbecue."
"It doesn't matter…I…" Mallory then saw something. "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"
Several people were on the front lawn of Mallory and Ron's house. There were people laughing and drinking out of coolers, most of them older. Some were playing a game in front of the house. Old time party music could be heard in the background.
"What the hell are all these people doing on my lawn?" Mallory shouted.
"Looks like they're playing corn hole," Cyril said.
"What?" Mallory asked.
"Corn hole," Cyril said. "It's that game with the bean bags that you toss in a wooden…"
"I KNOW WHAT CORN HOLE IS CYRIL!" Mallory snapped.
"I thought it was called bean bag toss," Lana asked.
"That's another name for it," Cyril said. "It's also known as Sack Toss, Baggo…"
"I meant why are they playing it on my lawn?" Mallory snapped as Lana parked the car. "I'm going to get to the bottom of this!" She stormed out of the car.
"Getting to the bottom of a corn hole," Cyril remarked. "Well I'm gonna say it. Phrasing."
"Cyril!" Lana barked as they got out of the car.
"What the hell is going on here?" Mallory shouted as she stormed up to the people. "Why are you people on my lawn?"
"Oh, hell no!" A man shouted. "I thought you were gone for good!"
"Great!" A woman groaned. "The Bitch is back!"
"Not for long," Mallory snapped. "What are you people doing on my lawn? Why are you here?"
"Playing corn hole," Another man said.
"I can see that!" Mallory snapped. "What's going on? Is this a party?"
"Figures you wouldn't know what it is," Another woman snorted.
"Where's Ron?" Mallory narrowed her eyes.
"In the back," The first man said. "Now get out of here while we finish our game."
"Don't tell me to get off my own lawn!" Mallory snapped. "RON! RON!" She stormed off to the backyard.
"This does not bode well," Lana groaned as she and Cyril followed her.
"I smell barbecue," Cyril blinked. "I definitely smell barbecue."
"WHAT THE HELL?" Mallory shouted.
In the backyard a huge pool party was going on. People were in the pool. There was drinking. It was mostly older people having a very good time. And standing at a large grill…
"Get your ribs here!" Pam called out as she grilled several items. She was wearing a white t-shirt and shorts with an apron over them. The apron said Kiss My Grits.
"Damn Pam," Ray was on a beach chair eating some barbecue. He was wearing green shorts and a pink and white top. "These ribs are good!"
"Marco!" Cheryl was in the pool bobbing around with her eyes closed.
"Polo!" Krieger was tiptoeing around the edge of the pool.
"Marco!" Cheryl called out.
"Polo!" Krieger said as he moved away on land.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" Mallory shouted.
"Hey Ms. Archer!" Pam waved. "How's it hanging?"
"You're going to be hanging from a tree if you don't tell me what's going on?" Mallory shouted.
"Oh this?" Pam motioned to the party. "The neighbors decided to throw you a going away party."
"Basically, they're partying because you've gone away," Cheryl opened her eyes and giggled. Then she saw Krieger. "KRIEGER!"
"Polo?" Krieger said nervously. He was then hit in the head with a beach ball. "Damn it Mrs. Fineman! I told you to not do that!"
"Oh Great," Someone called out. "She's back! Boooo!"
"Shut up!" Mallory glared at the crowd. "Where's Ron?"
"He's in the conga line," Ray pointed.
"One two three, la conga!" Ron was in a conga line with several older women. "One two three la conga!"
"You can tell he's come to his senses," Cyril quipped.
"Quiet game Cyril!" Mallory snapped. "RON!"
"Uh oh…" Ron stopped dancing. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to not only get my things," Mallory glared at him. "But to see if you came to your senses."
"He did," Cheryl giggled. "That's why he's throwing this party!"
"Technically we decided to throw it for him," Mrs. Goldberg called out as she was drinking with some friends of hers.
"SHUT UP GOLDBERG!" Mallory snapped.
"You shut up!" Mrs. Goldberg snapped. "Hey Lana. Cyril."
"Hello Mrs. Goldberg," Lana and Cyril said.
"Don't take her back Ron!" A woman called out.
"Yeah we just got her out of here!" A man shouted.
"Plus, we have the Corn Hole tournament coming up," Another man said.
"Didn't we have that yesterday?" Ron asked.
"Some of us want a rematch," The second man said.
"Larry you lost fair and square," Mrs. Goldberg said. "Deal with it!"
Mallory was stunned. "So basically, overnight this has become Ron Cadillac's House of Pleasure?"
"It's been a lot more pleasurable since you left," Ron said. "And if you wanted to see me you should have called first!"
"That's telling her Ron!" Cheryl whooped. A beach ball hit her head. "Damn it Mrs. Fineman!"
"WHY ARE THEY HERE?" Mallory pointed to her staff.
"I invited them," Ron said. "Besides Pam makes a good barbecue."
"These ribs are unbelievable," Another man said.
"They are, aren't they?" Mrs. Kensington was eating some.
"What the hell are you doing here Kensington?" Mallory screamed at the brown-haired woman. "You hate us!"
"Technically I only hate you," Mrs. Kensington shrugged.
Cyril noticed Mr. Kensington was there eating ribs. "I'm surprised you're here. Weren't you poisoned at the last party?"
"The way these ribs taste I'll risk it," Mr. Kensington shrugged.
"Yeah we all made up," Pam said.
"Even after you relieved yourself in her flowerbed?" Mallory snapped.
"Honestly if I keep eating these I may end up doing that myself," Mrs. Kensington rubbed her stomach. "I am so full…But they're addictive."
"And you paid me to do that," Pam said. "I remember you told me…"
"PAM SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted. "All of you get out!"
"Nobody is leaving," Ron said. "Except you!"
"Way to go Ron!" Cheryl whooped.
"That's showing her some balls," Ray agreed. He was then hit in the head with a beach ball. "Damn it Mrs. Fineman!"
"I can't believe you…" Mallory did a double take. "What are you people drinking?"
"Basically, whatever I could find in the bar and liquor cabinet," Ron shrugged.
"You're drinking all my good alcohol?" Mallory shouted.
"I was surprised that you had good alcohol," Ray said as he poured himself some scotch. "I really think this Glengoolie Gold is smooth."
"YOU'RE DRINKING MY GLENGOOLIE GOLD?" Mallory shouted as Pam went over to Ray and took the bottle.
"It's delicious," Pam giggled as she took a swig.
"AAAAHHHH!" Mallory screamed.
"I'll take some," Cyril spoke up.
"Cyril!" Lana snapped.
"Lana!" Cyril mocked as he went over to Pam.
"Cyril!" Mallory snapped. Cyril held up a finger and took a swig. "CYRIL!"
"I think you just lost Cyril," Cheryl giggled. The beach ball hit her head again. "Damn it Mrs. Fineman I am not going to warn you again about that!"
"I'm going to get my things!" Mallory stormed out into the house.
"Oh, this won't end well," Lana groaned.
"Here," Ron handed Lana a drink. She took it.
"Thanks," Lana sighed. "Come on Cyril. We should help her."
"If it's all the same I'm going to help myself to some ribs," Cyril said. "What? I'm hungry!"
"Fine," Lana sighed. "Pam…"
"Save some ribs for you and AJ?" Pam guessed.
"You do make good ribs," Lana admitted. "And it will save me some cooking for AJ tonight."
"Will do, Peggy Sue," Pam quipped as she went back to grilling.
"More like Mary Sue on crack," Cheryl snickered. She was hit on the head with a beach ball again. "THAT'S IT! MRS. FINEMAN YOU'RE DEAD!"
"Ugh…" Lana left to go check on Mallory. She went upstairs to the bedroom. She found the door was locked. "Mallory? Mallory are you okay?"
"Oh yes Lana!" Mallory snapped from behind the door. "I'm just fine and dandy! Everything is sunshine and rainbows and freaking lollypops!"
"Look I know you're upset but could you let me in?" Lana asked. "We can talk about it."
"Oh, I'm not leaving," Mallory growled. "That's just what Ron wants!"
"What are you saying?" Lana asked.
"That I've decided to move to Mars. WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M SAYING?" Mallory shouted. "If me leaving will make Ron happy, then that's the last thing I'm going to do!"
"Mallory this is childish," Lana told her. "You can't stay locked up in the bedroom!"
"YES, I CAN!" Mallory shouted. "I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL ALL THESE PEOPLE GO AND RON TALKS TO ME!"
"Okay, fine!" Lana groaned. "I'll go tell him. Do you want me to bring you back some ribs?"
"NO, I DON'T WANT ANY DAMN RIBS!" Mallory shouted. "I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I WANT MY MONEY BACK! I WANT MY STATUS BACK! I WANT MY HUSBAND TO OBEY ME! I WANT TO LEAVE THIS GOD FORSAKEN NEIGHBORHOOD AND STATE BEHIND FOREVER!"
"And Archer to come out of his coma," Lana added.
"That too," Mallory groaned. "Thank you, Lana, for pouring coarsely ground salt on my wounds!"
"Anytime!" Lana groaned as she left.
Lana returned to the party. She saw Cheryl passed out on a lawn chair. "What happened to her?" She pointed.
"Mrs. Fineman," Krieger chuckled as he drank some scotch.
"For a sixty-eight-year-old woman she sure has a mean right hook," Ray remarked. "So what's going on with the Queen of Mean?"
"Mallory's locked herself in the bedroom," Lana said. "And she won't go until Ron talks to her and everyone leaves."
"Well that's not going to happen," Ron snorted.
"You're just going to let Mallory stay locked in your bedroom?" Pam asked.
"Bad idea," Ray shook his head.
"Don't worry," Ron waved. "She'll come out when she realizes that I took all her hidden stashes of alcohol."
Meanwhile back in the bedroom…
"Damn it!" Mallory grumbled as she opened a book with a hollow center. There was nothing in it.
Back at the party everyone was having a good time. "I really appreciate it Ron," Lana said. She and Ron were talking and having some drinks. "Thank you."
"It's fine Lana," Ron said to Lana. "I'll still babysit AJ when you need it. Just give me some advance notice. Something tells me my social life is going to be a bit more active from now on."
"I'll be sure to keep him active," A vivacious sixty something year old woman wearing a colorful dress and her brown hair in a coif sauntered over.
"Lana this is Samantha Depardieu," Ron said. "One of my neighbors."
"Hello," Lana said. "I'm Lana Kane."
"Nice to meet you Lana," Samantha spoke in a southern accent. "I have heard all about you."
"Uh oh…" Lana smirked.
"All good, all good," Samantha grinned. "Lord you must be a saint to put up with Mallory. Reminds me of my former mother in law before she died."
"Was she a crazy old bat like Ms. Archer?" Pam asked.
"And how," Samantha nodded as she put her arm through Ron's.
"Are you sure you want to leave her locked in your bedroom?" Pam asked. "Not that I'm complaining but…"
"Mallory isn't exactly the first alcoholic I've lived with," Ron told her. "Trust me. I know all the tricks. And the hiding places. Like that so called box of pictures she has stashed in her closet. It's really a flask of gin. Or it was a flask of gin…"
Back in the bedroom…
"Damn it," Mallory groaned as she took a box out of her closet and it was empty.
Back at the party…
"Or that perfume bottle she has which is really another secret stash," Ron added. "I poured that out into the sink."
Back in the bedroom…
"DAMN IT!" Mallory shouted as she looked at the empty perfume bottle. "I could have sworn I had some schnapps in here!"
Back at the party…
"Or the flask she keeps in her nightstand…" Ron added. "Well you get the picture."
"DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!" Mallory was heard shouting.
"I think so does Ms. Archer," Pam snickered.
"Hey everybody!" Krieger called out. "It's Limbo time! How low can you go?"
"Just not too low," Ron called out. "I still have my original hips!"
Some time later the party was still going full swing. The gang with Ron and Samantha were sitting around eating barbecue. And Cheryl was finally waking up.
"What did I miss?" Cheryl sat up.
"The limbo contest," Pam told her as she handed her a beer can. "I came in second."
"Would have been first if your tits hadn't hit the bar," Ray said. "Mrs. Fineman won."
"Well she did have hip replacement surgery a few years ago," Samantha told him. "I tell you those new hips they make are unbelievable."
"Speaking of unbelievable, Ms. Archer locked herself in the bedroom," Pam added.
"She's been unusually quiet up there," Lana realized. "Cyril maybe you and I should go and check on her?"
"You go," Cyril said. "I'm staying here." He then grabbed a rib and started eating. "Damn that's good barbecue."
"I'm so glad you're enjoying yourselves," Mallory was heard.
She walked up to them, carrying a lot of clothes in her arms. "Those are your things?" Ron asked. "Do you need a bag or something…?"
"Oh, I have my things ready," Mallory sniffed. "And here are yours!" She threw Ron's clothes into the swimming pool.
"ARE YOU CRAZY?" Ron shouted.
"Is that a rhetorical question?" Cyril quipped.
"So that's where Archer gets it from?" Cheryl blinked. "This explains a lot."
"This is why leaving her alone in the bedroom is a bad idea," Ray told Ron.
"You're just lucky I didn't burn it to the ground!" Mallory glared at Ron.
"But you trashed the bedroom am I right?" Lana asked with a sigh.
"Only Ron's side," Mallory sniffed. "It serves you right for stealing my alcohol stash!"
"Ooh! Diving for clothes!" Cheryl squealed. She dove in.
"I'd go in but I'd have to wait a half hour," Ray remarked.
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"You really are crazy you know that?" Ron snapped as he stood off against Mallory. "Any doubts I had about this separation you have quickly erased! I was just going to let you stew for a couple of days before taking you back. Forget that idea! This separation is officially real!"
"I can't believe you're doing this to me!" Mallory screamed.
"You did this to yourself!" Ron snapped.
"Good riddance to bad rubbish," Samantha stood next to Ron and put her hands on his shoulder. "He doesn't need you."
"Oh, he doesn't does he?" Mallory said icily.
"No, he doesn't," Samantha smirked.
"Uh oh," Ray and Pam looked at each other.
"Here it comes," Ray gulped.
"GET AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND YOU TRAMP!" Mallory screamed as she lurched herself at Samantha.
"And there she goes," Lana groaned as Mallory lurched both Samantha and herself straight into the swimming pool.
"Hey!" Cheryl called out as she held some clothes. "This is my game! Go play your own!"
"I think the game Samantha is playing just got a lot more intense," Pam snorted.
"How scandalous!" Mrs. Kensington gasped in horror and delight.
"YOU TRAMP!" Mallory screamed as she and Samantha fought in the pool. "You stay away from Ron!"
"You wouldn't know how to treat a man even if he came with an instructional video!" Samantha screamed as she fought back.
"Well this is a spectacle," A woman in the back said as a crowd gathered to watch.
"This is typical Mallory!" Ron groaned.
"It's like a scene right out of Dynasty," Ray gasped.
"Oh, I love that show," Pam said.
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"I know your type you housfrau hussy!" Mallory screamed as the women fought.
"Mostly because she is your type," Ray called out.
"Should we be doing something?" Cyril asked nervously.
"Yeah. Get smelling salts for the loser," Pam quipped.
"Samantha, I warned you what would happen if you made a play for Ron!" Mrs. Goldberg shouted. "Didn't I warn her?"
"You warned her," A woman said. "I was there. You warned her."
"Someone should have warned me before I married that woman!" Ron snapped.
"I would have," Pam said. "But Ms. Archer threatened to shoot me."
"Fair enough," Ron groaned.
"YOU BRAZEN HUSSY!" Mallory shoved Samantha's head underwater. "THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH MALLORY ARCHER!"
"THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH MY GAME!" Cheryl tackled Mallory and put her head underwater. "OUTLAW POOL PARTY WHOO!"
"Here we go," Ray groaned as he threw off his shirt and dove into the water.
"Knock it off Neck Bone!" Pam said as she dove in.
"WHOOO!" Cheryl whooped as Ray and Pam separated the combatants. Then Cheryl whipped off her bikini top and whirled it around her head. "WHOOO!"
"Oh God," Lana groaned in embarrassment.
"Best pool party, ever!" Krieger's eyes lit up with delight.
About twenty minutes later…
Mallory was sitting up front in Lana's car. She was soaking wet and wearing a towel over her clothes. Her hair was limp and her makeup was running giving her a look that reminded one of a raccoon.
"Well I hope you're happy," Lana snapped as she drove.
"I take that to be a rhetorical question?" Mallory grumbled.
"What were you thinking?" Lana asked.
"I was thinking of drowning the tramp who was hitting on my husband!" Mallory told her.
"You're just lucky neither Samantha nor Ron are pressing charges," Lana barked at her.
"I just want to go back to my apartment," Mallory groaned. "Take my shower…Put my things away."
"Oh," Lana paused. "I forgot your things. I'll get them from Ron tomorrow."
"Well then what the hell is all this?" Mallory pointed to a box behind her in the back seat. "And why does it smell like barbecue sauce?"
"That's because it is barbecue sauce," Lana said. "Pam packed up some ribs, salads, corn, some grilled vegetables…Some fruit…"
"You forgot my things but you remembered the take out?" Mallory shouted.
"What?" Lana asked. "It saves me from cooking dinner tonight! And AJ likes ribs."
"God damn it," Mallory winced. "I can't believe that went so horribly wrong. I really made an ass of myself, didn't I?"
"You really should have called first," Lana sighed.
"Shut up!" Mallory glared at her.