Now this may seem like a really strange story, but I got the idea from my dad. To make a long story short, I asked him what he would write on the back of Martin the Warrior. But he's never read it or anything, so he came up with the summary I wrote. Oh and before I forget, I don't own Redwall, any of the random songs or references that come up, or any of that stuff. I am mainly writing this for my dad.
"A long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away," a voice booms from overhead.
"Hey that's copyrighted!" another voice shouts.
"Well too bad. There was a planet named Marshank. And as in most books, there was an evil baddie." *flash toMarshank, Badrang close up*
"MWHAHAHAHAHA!"
"That was freaky . . . Ok, let's get to the story."
LOCATION: Marshank: Dark, evil, purple, rocky with a fortress on a hill
"Must keep working, must keep working," says an old squirrel pushing a rock.
"Must work harder! Must work harder!" says an evil baddie, whipping Mr. Old Squirrel.
"Why did you name me Mr. Old Squirrel?" Mr. Old Squirrel asks, "OWW!"
"Because your name hasn't been introduced yet," a voice says.
"You stop whipping him ya hear?" Mr. Ninja says as he jumps on Evil Baddie #2.
"Who's #1?" Evil Baddie #2 asks.
"Badrang, duh!"
"My name is not Mr. Ninja!" Mr. Ninja says while being all ninja-ish on Evil Baddie #2.
"Save me! Harassment! Harassment!" yells Evil Baddie #2. Evil Baddie #3 grabs onto Mr. Ninja.
"Take him to Badrang!" *DUN DUN DUN*
"You attacked one of my crew! You must die Mr. Ninja!" Badrang makes to poke him with a lightsaber.
"My name is Martin! Son of Luke!" Martin, Son of Luke says dramatically.
"Like Luke Skywalker?" Badrang's eyes light up.
"No bonehead. And that's my lightsaber by the way," Mr. Nin- I mean- Martin says. "I heard that!"
"Like I care! So anyway, what was I doing? Oh yes. Now you must die!" Badrang says dramatically. "PUT HIM ON THE POLES!" *DUN DUN DUN*
LOCATION: Outside the fortress of doom
"Laaaa La! La-aa Laaa! We're gonna make you . . . " Miss Pretty With a Good Voice sings as she skips among the rocks.
"So you REALLY think he's in there?" Mr. I'm a Mole But the Author is Too Lazy to Do Mole Speech asks Miss Pretty With a Good Voice.
"Of course he is! And I'm going to make this easier on the author and the voices. My name is Rose and his name is Grumm," Rose says.
"Thank you!" a voice booms.
"Well we're gonna wait out here?" Grumm asks.
"Yes," Rose answers, but then something catches her eye. "What are they doing?"
FLASHBACK:
"Adios son," Luke says as he leaves Martin with his lightsaber.
"Hey you know there's a thing called Child Protection Services?" Martin yells as his dad moves to light speed in his super space ship. Time passes . . .
"I am an evil baddie, therefore I must kidnap you and bring you to my Fort of Doom," Badrang says as he takes the lightsaber and Martin and Granny.
BACK TO REALITY: Some what.
"I am a warrior! Martin son of Luke! I will live, I will not give in and die up here! Do you hear me, Badrang? I will live to take back my father's lightsaber and slay you one day! Badraaaaaaaaannggg!" Martin says heroically in the pouring rain.
"It rains on Planet Marshank?" one of the voices asks.
"Now it does."
"Hey dude! Have you seen my brother Brome?" a voice yells from outside.
"No and I won't get to. I'm gonna die up here," Martin answers.
"Well that's a problem."
"Yeah . . . so . . . " There is an awkward pause.
"So . . . Do you like Chinese food?"
"What the . . . "
"Oh yeah I'm supposed to save you! Well don't you worry! I'm going to stop those flying space robots from firing lasers at you!"
"Um, thanks?" The mysterious figure skips off.
"That guy must be a ninja! And he doesn't like Chinese food," Rose says.
"You asked him that? Haven't I told you that is the worse pick-up line in the galaxy?" Grumm says despairingly.
"What? I was making conversation! Anyway, we have to stop the flying space robot from lasering him!"
MORNING
"Give him the Neon GloJuice!" Badrang yells at Evil Baddie #3. Evil Baddie #3 climbs up to the poles.
"Hehehe you're gonna get singed!" Evil Baddie #3 cackles.
"Yarrgg!" Martin spits at him.
"That's not very nice!" Evil Baddie #3 pouts as he climbs down. Suddenly neon signs pop up saying 'I'm here!' and 'Look at me, I just need to be lasered!' over Martin.
"Oh dear he's gonna get lasered!" Rose who is watching from outside gasps as the flying space robots dive in. Suddenly a spaceship is not spotted in the empty sky surrounding Planet Marshank.
CLOGG'S SPACESHIP
"Well this is just a random stupid subplot so, hey, hi, my name is Captain Clogg, this is my spaceship the SpaceScarab, and I really, really hate Badrang. Ok? We clear? Now back to the main action," says Clogg.
SPACE FORT
An evil, strange screech is heard.
"Is that you again?" one of the voices says to the other.
"No."
Now the robots are disoriented and confused.
"What is that sound?" Badrang asks, upset that he is robbed of his sadistic show. More screeching is heard.
"It's the sound of one of those giant ants from Them!" Evil Baddie #4 yells.
"Put the target on him! The robots won't be able to resist that!" Badrang yells back.
"Geez they're stupid," Rose remarks, rubbing her throat.
"Look! What are they doing now?" Grumm points to the poles and Evil Baddie #3 putting a target on Martin.
"Now I must use my mini meteor shooting ray gun to ward them off!" Rose says as she loads her ray gun.
"OMG! Rocks!" Evil Baddie #3 yells. "Yowch!"
"Idiot! Put the target on!" Badrang roars. Another rock knocks Evil Baddie #3 off the wall.
"Rocks! They're throwing rocks!" Evil Baddie #5 yells.
"No DUH Captain Obvious! Where are the rocks coming from?" Badrang asks.
"Out there in the deserted nothingness!"
Enter Big Fierce Squirrel Guy A.K.A. Felldoh. He finds throwing space rocks fun. Therefore, he is throwing them at the guards from inside the fortress. This is terribly confusifying for the inherently stupid vermin.
"OMG there are rocks coming from both the fortress and outside!" Evil Baddie #6 yells.
"This is harder than 1+1!" Evil Baddie #5 holds his aching head.
"Cut the mouse down and get the laser cannons ready! Clogg's headin' for us!" Badrang yells.
"Sooooo since you seem to be all ninja-ish, wanna join my crew?" Badrang winks.
"Eww. . . like totally!" Martin gushes, "NOT!" and bites him.
"Urggg. . .THROW HIM IN THE PRISON PIT! While I deal with Clogg!" Badrang yells.
"Great! Another one! Come and join the party!" Felldoh says to Martin in the pit.
"Why are you in here?"
"I got caught throwing rocks. And just as well 'cause it proves at least one of these cybermen have a brain." Felldoh answers.
"What's gonna happen to us?" a Small Timid Delusional Mouse says.
"We're going to get eaten ali- I mean- rescued by your sister Rose and Grumm!" Martin says.
"Booyah! Naptime!" Small Timid Delusional Mouse A.K.A. Brome says, and goes to sleep.
"Well this party stinks," Martin remarks.
Clogg lands his ship on Planet Marshank. He and his crew get out and head towards the spacefort. Badrang comes out to greet his old "friend".
"Well, well, well! It's Cap't Tramun Josiah Cuttlefish Clogg! How have you been?" Badrang plasters a fake smile on his face.
"Great! Now let's not waste time on a stupid subplot and let me groan about how you abandoned me," Clogg sits down and begins to wail in a weird Mary-Sueish way. "It was a stormy night on the SpaceScarab. We were enjoying ourselves and stuff. Then, you. . . you," Clogg begins to sob, "You left me with a broken ship and ran off with my slaves! After all we had been through together! How could you just leave me like that?"
"Haha! Well, I'm king of the rock and there's nothing you girls can do about it!" Badrang taunts.
"You just HAD to put a Mulan quote in there didn't you?" one of the voices says to the other. The other just smiles at . . .it.
Clogg is shown out and gets on his ship, loathing pumping through his veins.
"LOATHING! UNADULTERATED LOATHING!" Evil Baddie #7 yells spontaneously.
BACK AT SPACE FORT MARSHANK
Evil Baddie #3 is sitting by the fire. Mr. Young Strong Otter walks by.
"Y'know, you must be sick. You look, sick." Keyla says.
"Wait Keyla?" one of the voices boom.
"Yes?"
"Is your name pronounced Key-la or Kay-la?"
"Grrrrrr. . . Key-la! NELVANA MUST DIE!"
"Ok, ok! Just checking!"
"Oh no I'm dying! I'm going to take the word of a slave who is obviously not trying to get me away from the prison pit so he can talk to the prisoners and go to my bunk," Evil Baddie #3 says as he walks away.
"Sucker," Key-la whispers to himself. "Hey prisoners I'm gonna tell Brome's sister that you guys are ok and need to be rescued."
"Go ahead," Martin answers.
"In song form!"
"Um. . .ok. . ."
"La la la-la La la la-la Elmo's World!" Keyla sings.
"Um. . .what the heck?" Felldoh says.
"Just limbering up. Now, Hey hey! You You! I kn-ow your brother!" Keyla sings.
"No way! No way! Is there something we can do-oo?" Rose magically sings back because she's special that way.
"Hey hey! You you! Guards are approaching! Hey hey! You you! I'll get back to you tomorrow!" Keyla yells out.
"What the heck are you singing?" Evil Baddie #8 asks.
"Um, ah, well," Keyla mumbles, "A sickness cur- I mean- charm."
"Oh no are we gonna die?" Evil Baddie # 9 who is really stupid says.
"Not if I sing this song! For a long time we've been marching off to battle. In our thundering herd, we feel a lot like cattle," Keyla sings.
"That's a sickness charm?" Evil Baddie # 8 asks skeptically.
"Like the pounding beat our aching feet aren't easy to ignore! Hey! Think of instead, a girl worth fighting fooooor!" Keyla sings with a strange expression on his face.
"What kind of charm is this?" Evil Baddie #9 asks.
"That was a charm in code. Now you guys are free from flurgy twinj and what not."
"Wow thanks!" Evil Baddie # 9 says.
"Suckers. . ."
SLAVE COMPOUND
Mr. Old Squirrel-
"My name is Barkjon," Barkjon says. Well ok then. Barkjon is discussing rebellion with the slaves in the slave compound.
"Get weapons and food for the prisoners," Keyla says.
"Geez count me out. I actually enjoy being a slave. It's . . . relaxing," Mr. Emo Vole says.
"Seriously Druwp?" Barkjon says.
"Who names their kid Druwp?" one of the voices asks.
"I have no idea. . ." the other says.
"Doo Doo do-do, Doo Doo do-do-do-do, and a Whoa-oh-oh-ohhhh," Keyla sings to himself as he walks to the prison pit and asks them how to communicate with Rose.
"Hey stop talking to the prisoners! And if you sing High School Musical one more time, I'll spear you!"
"They're dying of fever down here!" Keyla yells backup.
"Oh. Well, stinks for them!" Evil Baddie #11 yells.
"Yeah. I ain't goin' down there," Evil Baddie #10 shivers.
"Yell out. Rose will be able to hear you," Keyla whispers to them.
"Is it just me or does everyone forget about Grumm?" Felldoh remarks.
"Who's the loudest?" Martin asks.
"How's this? AHHHH! I'M DYING OF THE FEVER!" Brome shrieks.
"OMG he's, like, so loud!" Evil Baddie #10 says, jumping up and down.
"ROSE! GRUMM! DIG TWENTY PACES TO THE SOUTH TWO MICE DEEP! I DON'T KNOW HOW THE GUARDS CAN IGNORE THIS!"
"What did the kid say?" Evil Baddie # 11 asks.
"Wha?" Evil Baddie #10 says.
OUTSIDE THE SPACE FORT
"Wow those guards are really stupid," Rose remarks, "Now Grumm, start digging. Voices, cue The Great Escape music." Music starts playing as Grumm starts digging.
ALSO OUTSIDE THE SPACE FORT
"To continue this stupid sub-plot, let's go attack Badrang!" Clogg says. A cheer arises from the crowd. They land their mini spaceships and creep towards the fort.
"Hey voices!" Clogg yells.
"Yes?"
"Play the Pink Panther Theme. I like that song."
"Ok." The Pink Panther Theme starts playing.
INSIDE THE SPACE FORT
"Hey Druwp," Evil Baddie #12 says as he sees Druwp hanging around suspiciously.
"Leave me alone," Druwp says.
"Are you emo?" Evil Baddie #12 asks him.
"I hate my life," Druwp replies.
"I'm gonna take that as a yes. . .So. . .anyway, what's up at the compound my homie?"
"None of your beeswax. And I'm not your 'homie'. You're gonna have to give me food for information."
"Ok, ok. Now spill the beans."
Druwp looks shiftily around. "They're getting weapons and planning for the prisoners in the pit to escape!"
"Thanks home skillet biscuit!" Evil Baddie #12 winks as he walks off.
". . .What?"
IN THE PRISON PIT
"I'm bored," Brome says.
"I'm bored too," Martin says.
"I'm bored of being bored," Felldoh sulks.
"I'm bored of boredom being so boring!" Brome shouts.
"Shh! Not so loud!" Martin says. "We're overdue on some food description. Fill us in while we pound the side of this pit." He and Felldoh begin pounding the side of the pit.
"Ok well here goes. . ." Brome takes a deep breath.
ON THE WALL TOP
"Do you hear something?" Evil Baddie # 13 says to Evil Baddie # 5.
"No. It's probably the wind," he answers.
"Oh yeah the wind makes drumming sounds and flicks sand?" Evil Baddie #13 huffs.
"Well scientifically speaking. . ."
"I don't want to hear it. Next thing, I suppose you'll be seeing the shore swarmin' with corsairs. . ..Garrgh!" Evil Baddie # 5 is lasered by a laser gun and goes down.
"Well that was good timing," Evil Baddie # 13 says, "ATTACK!"
INSIDE THE PRISON PIT AGAIN
"Now for some more good timing," Martin says.
"Did you say something?" Felldoh asks.
"Uh, no," Martin looks around shiftily, "Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. We're not! Going! To die! Down! Here!" He pounds the wall harder and breaks through into Grumm's tunnel. "Booyeah! See what I mean?"
"Yo," Grumm says.
IN THE SPACE FORT
Total chaos is reigning in the spacefort as Badrang and his troops are totally preoccupied with Clogg's attack. Lasers fly from ray guns and laser cannons. No one notices the escape in the pit.
INSIDE THE TUNNEL
"It's so dark in here!" Brome whimpers as they crawl through the tunnel. "And is that Great Escape music?"
"Yes, yes it is," a voice booms.
"Hello people!" Rose says as she lifts Felldoh out of the tunnel. Martin lifts Brome out. When you'd think there would be a happy reunion, Rose seems to ignore him. Never understood that. Anyw-
"Who are you talking to?" Felldoh asks.
"Myself. Now get on with the story," a voice booms.
"Well look at me! I'm all dirty! Well, not like there's gonna be any pretty mousemaids here that I want to impress when I clear out my eyes," Martin clears out his eyes and sees Rose. "Well I set myself up for that one," he mumbles to himself.
"You must be Martin," Rose smiles.
". . .And you. . .must be. . .wait for it," Martin looks up at the sky for inspiration, ". . .Rose." Martin whispers clumsily, sting deeply into her beautifully sparkling eyes as the picture goes all slow motion and sickly love themes play in the background.
"What the heck?" a voice asks.
"Hey I was getting into character."
TWO HOURS LATER
"Can you two stop staring at each other and let me out?" Grumm growls. Silence. "Excuse me?"
"Oh. Sure. . ." Martin leaps out of the hole still in a trance.
"Um, I thought you were supposed to be dignified," Felldoh says to his friend.
"Uh. . .. . .. . .Oh I hear lasers let's get out of here!" Martin points to some small space ships that came out of the SpaceScarab.
"Don't change the subject!" Felldoh scolds as they run to the mini spaceships.
OUTSIDE THE FORTRESS SOMEWHERE ELSE
"So here's the plan mates," Evil Baddie # 3 says to his friends, "You wait till I yell 'DON'T ATTACK!' and then charge at the. . ."
"Um I don't think that will work. . ." an Evil Baddie interrupts.
"And why not?" Evil Baddie #3 says huffily.
"I saw it in a movie."
"Ok. Well then we we'll melt the engines in the mini spaceships and melt down the big SpaceScarab."
INSIDE THE FORTRESS
"This battle is going quite well," Clogg remarks as he scans the horizon on the wall top. Something catches his eyes. His SpaceScarab is being melted!
"WHAT. . .THE. . .HECK? BADRANG! I'M GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEE!" Clogg shrieks at the top of his lungs, "Oooo death is too good for you! I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it in your face! Yes! Yes! That's a good one!" He stomps around like a 2 year-old for– let's say– a long time.
OUTSIDE THE FORT YET AGAIN
"This one!" Rose points to one of the mini spaceships.
"Get in it while me and Felldoh get ninja!" Martin yells seeing enemies on either side.
"Time to get. . .NINJA!" Felldoh yells as he and Martin beat up the vermin and Kung-Fu Fighting plays in the background. Rose shoots people with her ray gun and Grumm and Brome provide back-up singing.
"Ah! That one has a ray gun!" yells a random Evil Baddie.
"We all have ray guns!" Evil Baddie #12 yells back. As they pull out their ray guns, Martin and Felldoh jump in the spaceship. The glass cover closes up as Rose grabs the controls and blasts off.
"Oooo the boss ain't gonna be happy about this one. . ." all the Evil Baddies say at once.
IN THE AWESOME ESCAPE SHIP
"Yes! Keep going!" Felldoh yells as Martin takes over the controls.
"Why are you opening the engine hold?" Rose asks Grumm.
"'Cause I hear weird rattling sounds," Grumm says as he sticks his head in the engine hold. "Oh shoot."
"What?" Brome asks.
"We're losing engine power."
"That's the least of our troubles," Rose says, pressing her nose to the glass.
"What now?" Brome asks.
"Asteroid shower!" Rose yells as an asteroid hits the ship and rattles it through.
"Hold on!" Martin cries. Another asteroid hits the ship, battering a hole in it.
"One more and we're done for!" Felldoh grabs his seat's handles.
"If we get split up, MEET BACK AT NOONVALE!" Martin yells really loudly.
"Why did you just yell that so loudly?" Felldoh asks, rubbing his ear.
"NO SPOILERS!" one of the voices booms.
Another asteroid hits the space ship and breaks it in half; Brome and Felldoh in one half, Rose, Martin, and Grumm in the other.
I hope this is a somewhat half decent start. If you have any suggestions, please suggest them because to tell the truth I'm not a big sci-fi fan, so I don't really know what I'm doing. I will update this story more because I'm more interested in it.