I was having issues writing with the lack of Glee… but now Glee is back! And I am inspired again! But to write, I must type up a oneshot. Just to get me going.
To be honest, it probably started the first second he met him.
Jeff walked into the dorm for the first time, scared as hell that this school would end up as bad as the last, and Nick was there, jumping from bed to bed and scream-singing "Living On A Prayer". Music blasted from all angles, Jeff's first taste of the wonderful surround sound stereo Nick's ridiculously rich parents had bought him, and before Nick had even noticed his entering of the room, Jeff was bouncing around and singing with him.
He felt safe already. Which was weird because Jeff didn't even feel safe around his own family, let alone strangers. But Nick was scarcely looking at him and his eyes were just so bright and captivating, that Jeff really didn't think he could be nervous around the boy who was apparently his new roommate.
It wasn't until they accidently hit each other in midair and fell to the ground that Nick finally acknowledged him. The other boy rubbed his head where Jeff's elbow had clocked him, and turned his big brown eyes to meet Jeff's hazel. Nick smiled a bloody brilliant smile and introduced himself as "Ryan Gosling", so Jeff told Nick to call him "Michael C. Hall". They shook hands, and from that moment on, Jeff was a goner.
Trying out for the Warblers was more Nick's thing than Jeff's. They'd been sharing a living space for about two weeks, and after listening to Jeff sing every NSYNC song six times over, he decided that they both should try out for the club –or maybe "brotherhood" would be a better word for it- while Jeff thought that he should stick to being a wallflower and then maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to get through the year.
Of course, Jeff had never been able to say no to Nick, and he somehow found himself standing nervously in front of the three most intimidating boys he'd ever met. There were only four open spots, and the Warbler head council was apparently basing their decision on more than just talent. What exactly that meant, Jeff wasn't sure. He just knew that he'd rather be in his dorm listening to Justin Timberlake than the Warbler commons at the moment.
In retrospect, Jeff probably should have known he was gay.
There were a lot of other boys around him, but Jeff had no doubt that Nick would earn a spot. His incredible voice paired with literally everything else about him would no doubt get him into the group. Nick was everything Jeff wasn't. He was outgoing, and friendly, and energetic, and joyful, and Jeff… Jeff was a nervous nelly who didn't speak unless spoken to. Granted, that was more of a reflex than anything else –Jeff would love to be able to be like Nick, but his plant life status at his old school had made quiet his default mode- but it's not like the Warblers would know that and pick him anyway.
Jeff Sterling wasn't called until the very end, while Nick Duval was second –right after Blaine Anderson, which probably would have made Jeff piss himself, considering how amazing the short boy's audition had gone. He tried to be as supportive as he could from his seat on the couch, smiling at Nick while he sang, but the dark-haired boy didn't really pass him a second glance. Jeff could have guessed as much. They were friends, but Nick didn't really need him. Not in the way he needed Nick.
Still, he stood up and gave Nick a standing ovation, doing everything within his power to not shrink under the eyes staring at him.
When it was his turn to sing, Jeff debated the consequences of either starting to cry right there in front of everybody or just flat out fainting without uttering a note. He figured both options wouldn't really earn him a spot in the Warblers, and he really wanted to spend all his time with Nick, so he took a deep breath and looked out to his audience. A round-faced boy offered him a wink, and one of the head council members –David, Jeff thought his name was- looked at him encouragingly.
He still felt like he was about to throw up.
In fact, he nearly did throw up as he opened his mouth to somehow force out the first notes of McFly's "Bubble Wrap", but then his eyes met Nick's and suddenly all the words and notes came rushing back to him –oh, shit, he'd forgotten how it went just a split second ago- and ridiculously, his voice didn't waver at all. In fact, the song went fine. Better than fine. It sounded just like Jeff had hoped it was, with all the emotion Jeff had ever felt when he heard it laced between the words. Of course, that sort of sucked because Jeff didn't exactly feel like sharing his emotional problems with the class, but too late now.
He finished, and immediately realized that –crap- he'd just sung in front of a room full of people who weren't Nick. Jeff's head immediately snapped to the ground and blushed, that second before his applause feeling like an eternity. They hated it… Fuck, they hated it.
Except then Nick was the one giving him a standing ovation, and other people were clapping, too, and David and that-Asian-head-council-guy-who's-name-Jeff-couldn't-remember were both nodding enthusiastically while the other guy at their table –Thad- spoke energetically in their ears. Jeff could feel his cheeks heat up father because sometimes he felt like attention could be worse than being ignored.
But then Nick was there, smothering him in a hug, and telling him that he so got in, and he must have gotten in, and that he had been awesome, and Jeff thought that maybe being noticed wasn't so bad after all.
Jeff soon discovered that he really liked the Warblers. He wasn't exactly sure why he was included in the group –the council had preached about choosing people who not only should be there, but needed to be there- but he did see how he fit in. It wasn't instantaneous, not like it was with Nick, but the Warblers had a really homey feel about them. Like he could be himself.
Of course, Jeff wasn't himself, he was barely himself with Nick, but he felt like he was safe enough to raise his hand during meetings and that maybe, just maybe, he could actually voice an opinion in front of other boys. But only if Nick was there. He could only do it if Nick was there.
That all changed, naturally, during his initiation.
Apparently, every Warbler since the dawn of time had once of their life been taken up to the roof of the gym and was forced to get piss-ass drunk in front of the other members of the club to play a rousing game of "Truth or Dare". Jeff sat next to Nick as Thad prodded them both on, nervous because he didn't drink, and he didn't do dares, and he didn't tell truths.
Luckily, Jeff blended into the background by nature and Nick and the other new Warblers, Blaine and Trent, took most of the initial dares. Blaine was held by his ankles over the edge of the roof and talked about his terrible Sadie Hawkins dance experience, Trent spilled all of his secrets about his less-than-desirable home life and ate a ketchup and mustard covered pickle, and Nick streaked through the courtyard and spoke about his insomnia problems. And then it was Jeff's turn.
Jeff felt tears prick at his eyes when all heads turned to him. He wasn't sure if it was because he was upset that Nick hadn't told him about his sleeping problems despite sharing a bedroom for a month, or if he was just so scared for what he might have to do or answer. "Truth or Dare, Jeff?" Nick piped up, crawling across the roof to put a hand on his knee. Jeff shook, and he realized he was getting far too upset for such a simple game –maybe he was an emotional drunk- but he didn't want to share. He didn't want to do any of this.
His mouth betrayed him. "Truth," he answered, and Nick smiled brightly at him, eyes warm and hand terribly hot on his knee. Jeff couldn't figure that one out… The other Warblers shared a look and seemed to take pity on him.
"Why did you come to Dalton?" David eventually asked, and Jeff decided he liked David. Because David didn't know the reason, so he didn't know how embarrassing and terrible it was, and he had been trying to give him an easy answer, like "oh, yeah, my parents are rich."
Except Jeff's parents weren't rich. He was at Dalton on a scholarship and his uniform was rented. And his answer wasn't easy. Just thinking about it could open the floodgates, and, shit, now he was crying, and everyone was looking, and Jeff hated to be looked at. He grabbed Nick's hand so tight, his knuckles turned white.
He didn't know what to do, and he didn't know what to say, and he was, in fact, as tipsy as he could manage to make himself without throwing up all the alcohol he had struggled to get down, so, on a whim, he rolled up his jacket sleeve, wincing at the gasps emanating from both the sober and drunk boys before him.
Cuts ran up and down his arms, some still scabbed over, and some just white little slits from the beginning of eighth grade. Nick's hold around his shoulders was the only think keeping him from sobbing under the other Warbler's questioning eyes of why, why, WHY?!
"No one liked me," he mumbled by means of answer. He was met with a million denials, but Jeff just shook his head. "No, no. No one liked me," he repeated, tears rushing down his face and he peeled off his shirt fully, revealing a nasty looking scar up his back, and Jeff bit back a sob as a second chorus of gasps hit him. "I didn't do this one," he told just Nicky, eyes wide and scared. "I didn't do this one." Nick nodded quickly.
"I believe you, Jeff," he told him. " I believe you." Jeff quickly tugged his shirt back on, feeling mortified and exposed and far more fragile than he'd like to be, and he met David's eyes across the circle. The other boy set his face in a grim expression and pulled off his own blazer and button-down, revealing his own scar, a jagged, red thing that crossed his chest.
"No one liked me either," David said, and Jeff nodded, suddenly feeling a million times safer. He decided he definitely liked David.
Jeff thinks that it must have been fate that put him and Nick in the same dorm.
Dalton is exponentially different than his old school, and his bad days really aren't so bad. In fact, if he were still in eighth grade, he probably would consider his bad days at Dalton great. So it was a weird comparison. It's unfortunate, though, because Jeff has always been pretty emotional, and without anything big to cry over, he feels really stupid whenever he gets upset over a failed math test or a tough teacher.
And actually, he's always felt a little bit dumb when he cries because sometimes Jeff just feels like he deserves what comes to him and that maybe he should be able to take all of this in his stride by now. Which is what led him to cutting in the first place: that stupid feeling.
And it's been a really bad day, and he's ridiculously excited to get back to his dorm because he's been desperately trying to stop self-harming, what with the looks the Warblers give him, but it's harder than he expected, and he thinks that cracking apart a razor wouldn't be the worst idea on a day like today. Nick had missed biology, and no one wanted to be his partner for the lab, and suddenly it felt like middle school and freshman year all over again, so… yeah. He wasn't feeling so hot.
He's already halfway to the bathroom when he notices that Nick is lying on his bed. His bed as in Jeff's bed, chatting on the phone with someone. Jeff figures that maybe he's preoccupied and he could still draw blood before he exploded, but Nick catches his eye, and holds his hand over the receiver as the person he's talking to blathers in his ear and whispers a hi over to him.
Jeff stands there awkwardly, because Nick's still looking at him, but a curious look is over-taking the boy's features. He furrows his eyebrows together, and abruptly ends his phone call with the other person. Jeff is about to tell him something, anything, but then Nick's arms are around him, and –shit- boys weren't supposed to smell this intoxicating. Jeff can't help but burry his nose in his roommate's hair for a second, and he's not sure why, cause isn't that a little… intimate? Are best friends allowed to do that? Jeff's not sure because he's never really had a best friend, but Nick holding him like this doesn't feel like a hug from a mom or dad. He's confused.
And then Jeff is crying because today really sucked, and he was so tired of being alone and feeling stupid. He pushes himself away from Nick, but the shorter boy doesn't seem to be hearing any of that because his arms wrap around him again in seconds, clinging to him like tentacles.
And this is weird.
This is so, so weird.
Jeff always cries alone, except not this time because Nick is here, and Jeff's not sure if he should feel better or dumber. Luckily, Nick seems to have all the answers and starts saying things in Jeff's ear that he'd needed to hear last year and the year before and maybe even the year before that. Jeff needed to be told he was smart. He needed to be told he wasn't worthless. He needed to be told he was likable, and perfect, and beautiful, and yeah. It feels like only fate could have placed Nick with Jeff. It's crazy because the universe has always been out to get Jeff, but this might be its way of saying sorry.
And what a damn good apology it was.
Jeff isn't sure when he and Nick become NickandJeff. He just knows that from day one he's wanted to spend every single waking second with Nick, and now –finally- the other boy wants to be with Jeff all the time, too.
He feels a little guilty, of course, because Nick is Jeff's definition of perfection. He's everything Jeff's not, which obviously means he's everything bloody good in the universe. Although, to be fair to himself, Jeff thinks that maybe that isn't all true. Because Nick's starting to help him discover that maybe he's not all bad, which is a novel idea indeed, maybe almost too novel, which is why Jeff doesn't think he should be hanging out with him so much.
Except every time Jeff tries to pull a "White Fang" or whatever and let Nick go, the other boy blatantly refuses. He leaves class to go to the bathroom, and Nick says he missed him when he gets back and holds his hand for the rest of class. This is definitely okay by Jeff's standard as he loves the feel of Nick's eyes on him, even when he hates everybody else's.
Saturday night is movie night.
It's always been Jeff's movie night –and Friday and Sunday, too- because he's never had anyone to spend his weekends with. He's in the habit. Nick probably used to go out on Saturday nights, but now he stays back with Jeff and they lie on the same bed and laugh through Disney movies and sing along to musicals. Jeff really likes Grease. Nick likes Next To Normal and plays the soundtrack constantly. Jeff doesn't mind because he loves Nick's voice, and his shorter boy can't seem to help but sing every note on the album.
They're watching Aladdin, because it's Jeff's favorite, and then they're going to watch Beauty and the Beast because that's Nick's. It's really late and they've already wrapped up two of Jeff's other favorite movies –Crazy, Stupid Love and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World-cause it's been a bad day. It's just when Jasmine is complaining about all the men in her life for, like, the seventh time (Jeff has never liked Jasmine. He thinks she's a bit spoiled.) when Nick asks him a question.
"Why didn't they like you?"
Jeff wants to ignore it, but he doesn't think he can. They both know he's seen this movie a hundred times and that it doesn't have his full attention. Plus, Nick is looking at him with his big, brown eyes, and Jeff sighs. He's never been able to say no to Nick Duval.
"Because I was awkward, and stupid, and useless," he answers after a prominent pause. Nick frowns.
"But your not any of those things," he says, his tone containing a trace of frustrated toddler. Jeff sniffs.
"That's why I said 'was'," he responds, and when Nick's face doesn't soften, he bites his lip. "I was before you. At least… everyone seemed to think so. You made it better."
Nick just didn't understand how much better.
Kurt comes to Dalton from Lima, and sometimes his friends from his old school come to see him on visiting days. A lot of girls come, unsurprisingly, and all the Warblers are desperately begging Kurt for hook-ups. He turns them down, saying that all McKinley girls don't know what they want and couldn't handle a long distance relationship. Jeff thinks that Kurt probably doesn't understand that most of the boys are just looking for sex.
Jeff understands. The girls –especially an exceptionally fit Latina and a short-haired blonde- are beautiful. It's just that Jeff isn't interested. He's got Nick to worry about and spend time with. Jeff loves Nick. Well, he's not in love with Nick, but he… you know, loves him. He's his best friend, of course he loves him. That's how it works, right? Right.
Somehow, though, it's decided that Jeff and this blonde chick –Quinn- should get together. Everyone seems to be in on the decision. She walks through the dormitory, and people are instantly making kissy faces in Jeff's direction and doe eyes at him. Maybe it's cause they're both blonde…?
It shouldn't bother him as much as it does, but Jeff is seriously annoyed. So annoyed. Like… he didn't have any intention getting with Quinn, and he tells Nick so when he asks, and Nick chews his lip for a second voicing that maybe he could be the one to ask Quinn out, only if Jeff wasn't going to, and date her, only if Jeff wasn't going to, and snag her as a girlfriend, but only if Jeff wasn't going to.
That shouldn't bother him as much as it does, either.
But Jeff tells him to go for it, because he's never been able to say no to Nick, and it's maybe slightly starting to dawn on him that he never would be able to either, that maybe this is a forever deal, but that seems like too big a thing, and Jeff doesn't want to think about it. He figures he could put that off until another day.
It's another day.
Nick and Blaine drove to McKinley with Kurt the night before because Kurt's parents –Burt and Carole- were going to be out of town so his brother, Finn, was holding a party. Nick went because Quinn went, and Blaine went because Kurt went, and Kurt went because it was going to be at his house, but Jeff didn't go because he was shy and he hated watching Nick with a girl.
But that was last night. And Jeff was still alone. Nick hadn't come back, and Jeff had a sick feeling in his stomach because of it, not because he was worried about Nick but because he was worried about what Nick was doing with Quinn. They had been dating for about a week, and Jeff hated it.
He also hated how he hated it. He hated all of these confusing feelings about Nick. He hated how he liked him. He liked him so much, that now he felt uncomfortable throwing the word "love" around. Nick and Jeff would always part with an "I love you" whether on the phone or in person, but now Jeff felt like he couldn't return the sentiment.
What if it was real?
What if he meant it in a way Nick didn't?
Jeff didn't think he could take anymore rejection, so he tried to force himself to believe that maybe, actually, he had wanted Quinn. And he wasn't jealous of the little blonde girl, he was jealous of the masculine, strong boy. He was just confused. So he asked Trent.
Trent laughed.
"Dude, never before have I seen a bro so blindly in love with another bro before," he snickered, and Jeff crossed his arms across his chest self-consciously. "You're worse than Kurt with Blaine." Jeff frowned.
"But I'm… I'm not…" he struggled to find words, and Trent laughed even harder, tears leaking from his eyes. Jeff didn't know what to say, and he certainly didn't want to say with Trent –his cheeks burning red- so he left, locking himself back in his dorm and throwing himself on the bed to watch Finding Nemo –or anything else happy and cute- and not think about how tonight was movie night and Nick wasn't there.
Except Jeff had forgotten what it was like to have a movie night alone. Despite managing to keep warm every night when he fell asleep, his bed felt cold without Nick there to heat it up. It was weird to angle the laptop without checking to see if it was okay with Nick first, and Jeff missed having someone to laugh with and share opinions with.
Maybe he had become spoiled. Maybe he'd gotten too accustomed to being heard and accepted, and this was the universe getting back at him. He wasn't supposed to have Nick. Quinn was supposed to have Nick.
And suddenly how hopeless his situation is dawns on him, and Jeff is crying alone again because –fuck- he loves Nick and –shit- Nick will never love him back and –crap- all those things that seemed so big before were enormous now. Jeff felt consumed. He wasn't worth anything. He was useless. He'd let himself believe somewhere in his subconscious that Nick was his and he was Nick's, but that wasn't true. Nick was Quinn's.
Now that Trent knows that Jeff knows his feelings about Nick, and now that Jeff knows that Trent knows, it seems like everyone else does, too. Jeff had been trying to ignore his feelings for Nick, which was difficult in the first place because now he had to watch how long he stared and struggle not to blush, but it became impossible with the little nudges and knowing looks he got when Nick touched him or complimented him. Jeff just wished everyone would leave him alone. Didn't they know what he was dealing with?
He's sitting in Warbler practice and Nick, shockingly, is there and sitting next to him on the couch. They're pressed together, Jeff crushed by the armrest on one side and Nick on the other, and he can feel Nick touching him from literally shoulder to toe. Jeff wishes he wasn't on the end because Nick has been spending a lot of time in Lima, and now he's trying to play catch-up with all the other Warblers. Warblers who aren't him. Jeff also wishes that he were more interesting so maybe Nick would want to talk to him longer.
Eventually –thankfully- Wes calls the meeting into order. Most of the boys are struggling to keep up with their harmonies, but Jeff has been bored without Nick and he's had more than enough free time to learn his part on his own, all while maintaining that 4.5 GPA that's basically his ticket into this school. Except, maybe that's not such a big deal anymore because the heartbreak he feels every time he wakes up to an empty room or comes back to the dorm after a bad day while Nick doesn't get off the phone is about equivalent to the bullying he got at his old school.
Except maybe this hurts more.
Because right now it doesn't feel like NickandJeff anymore, even though Nick seems to refuse to admit that he should be spending more time with Jeff. In fact, It feels more like Nick…andJeff. Like Jeff is just something that needs to be tacked to the end while Nick can stand alone. Is standing alone. Fuck, is Jeff lonely…
They get through a song even though Jeff can't remember starting, and Nick smiles in his direction and compliments him on how great a job he did at his part, and it hits him.
It hits Jeff really hard and really fast.
He's gay. Like… gay. Like… picnic basket, Fourth of July, klainebows gay. And for the past three years and maybe even a little bit before that, Jeff's been called gay as an insult, and he's always been able to tell himself that "oh, at least that one's not true".
Except now it is true. And if this is true, then, shit, everything must be true. Nick's compliment now feels like a lie because it probably is, and Jeff suddenly hates the no bullying code because it's let him live in this complete and utter delusion for so long, and, crap, is it really true? Is he worthless, and ugly, and fat, and useless, and stupid? Because he feels like it. He doesn't want to, but he does, and Nick will never want him.
They're halfway through the next song when Jeff's voice cracks and all heads turn to look at him. He vaguely recognizes tears running down his cheeks, and Jeff doesn't have anything to say for himself, so he just hangs his head.
Nick is frantic. "Jeff?! Jeff, are you okay?" he asks, and he can't really tell him yes because, well, that would be an obvious lie, and he can't really tell him no because Nick is the one person he can't tell his secrets to, and could someone please tell him when things got so complicated?
"I'm sorry," Jeff apologized, the first of many, and Nick was holding his arm tight while the other Warblers gathered. Jeff felt like he was wilting under the attention. "I was just overthinking, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." There was silence in the room for a minute before David took his hand.
"Let's go for a walk," he offered, and Jeff wasn't out the door for a second before he heard singing again.
David led him down to the courtyard, and Jeff waited patiently for the other boy to speak. He seemed lost in his thoughts for a moment as they sat on an empty bench before clearly making his mind up about something. He turned to Jeff. "I showed you my scar, right?" Jeff nodded. "I never told you how I got it."
Jeff's eyes widened, and he shook his head vehemently. He didn't want to hear, not that he would tell David that. He had his own burdens; he didn't want to carry anybody else's.
"It's a story for a different time," David assured him, "It's just… I've always believed that if you're going to insult somebody, you should never do it by saying things that are true about them. Because then even the lies seem real." Jeff was confused, but David seemed to sense it and laughed. "Like, okay, example, once there was this chubby girl who used to stalk the building on visiting days. She got mad a lot and it would make her face read, plus she had these little squinty eyes that her brother –you know him, Jeremy? Yeah, him- said she was going to have fixed cause she hated them. Anyway. One day she came in and said something nasty to Wes so I told her that she should pull her shirt down over her muffin top because, no, her midriff was not sexy and that her face looked like a squashed tomato." Jeff snorted.
"Good insult, but that's pretty mean, man," he said, swiping at his drying eyes, and David nodded.
"Yeah. And it was really only mean cause it was true. Like… if she had been thin and beautiful or something, then it wouldn't have been so bad. But those were real opinions I had of her, which just made it really awful." Jeff nodded, and they fell into silence again. Jeff kicked at the ground, wondering what he had to do to be likeable before David spoke up again.
"When I got bullied, they used to get really racist, you know? They would ask crap like 'is your mom off crack, yet?' and 'how's the ghetto?' and shit… And it's like… they would bug me all the time about my dad and how I probably didn't know him and that he didn't care about me, and they said it just cause I'm black, you know? Like… they were just being stupid, but it was true. I have no idea who my father is; my mom says he left when he found out she was pregnant.
"So just because they were right about that, I started to believe other things about myself that they'd tell me. I started to think that I was dumb and worthless… but I'm not, Jeff. And you're not either. And for the record, being black isn't a bad thing, right? Right. You can't help it. As it turns out, being gay isn't bad either, so take a deep breath and remember that you've actually got a chance with Nick. You just have to make him see you." David finished, and with that, he patted his back and left him there on the bench, exiting the courtyard.
Jeff feels confused and maybe even a little bit violated. When did David start to read him that well? He also has a lot to think about, but even so he's sort of already determined that maybe he isn't as useless as he thought. Maybe.
Nick doesn't bring up Warbler practice, and Jeff doesn't know what to make of that. He half feels like maybe he really is alone, but he also feels half relieved. He didn't want to answer any questions from Nick about how he was currently feeling, so maybe he could take this as a good thing.
But maybe is a pretty mean word, and that night, Nick drove out to Lima again, while Jeff stayed back at school like usual. He plans on watching Beauty and the Beast tonight, and he listens to Next To Normal as he gets ready for bed.
Jeff is lonely.
The boys have a way of making Jeff feel like a terrible, man-stealing whore. He's not sure who's idea it was –Trent's- or who could even get the rest of the Warblers to go along with it –Trent- or who could think of such devious ways to stick him and Nick together –Trent- but he's definitely had enough. It's like a game. A see-who-can-get-Nick-and-Jeff-in-a-smaller-space game.
Jeff can't say he likes it.
He had to admit, he was a little bit claustrophobic (although, really, who isn't?) so getting crammed into bathroom stalls and tiny janitors' closets "accidentally" doesn't really appeal to him. He wonders if Nick is starting to see through the pranks, as the Warblers make no attempts to hide what they're doing. Jeff walked into practice just last week and the words "Operation Niff" are still sloppily written on a giant whiteboard they'd rolled it. Jeff thinks they're damn lucky that Nick hadn't seen.
The closest they get to actually getting them together is probably the most blatantly obvious thing of all. Jeff can't help but be a bit suspicious as he walks down to the cafeteria with Nick, hand in hand like it's the most natural thing in the world, and there's no noise. Maybe all the pranks are just making him paranoid.
Except, oh, they're not because when they push open the big doors to the dining room, there's absolutely no one there. No one. There's not even food out and ready in the lunch line. Jeff is trying to remember if they have two cafeterias or something when a nice looking lunch lady pops out from the kitchen.
"Sweeties, everyone else has gone out for dinner, but if you want, we've got a table back here," she says and Jeff bites back a groan. The woman wasn't even bothering to act surprised.
He knew the Warblers had a pull on the student body.
He didn't know they were this in charge.
Nick pulls him along and the lunch lady –Jeff thinks her name might be Dorris, though he's not sure because that sounds much too much like a lunch lady name to be real- and she sets them down at a white-clothed table with a little tea candle flickering in the center. Much too quickly, another employee sets a hug plate of pasta directly between them and leaves the two alone in the room. Oh, yeah. They had definitely been expected.
"Well… I can't say I'm turned off," Nick says, and Jeff laughs, but it's much too forced. There's an awkward moment between them –there's been more and more of those lately- before Nick picks up his fork and dives in. Jeff is right behind him, and he flashes back to Lady and the Tramp. Jeff could definitely see himself sucking his way down a piece of spaghetti to a Nick kiss.
Soon, the conversation picks up, and it's almost like they've forgotten that they're alone, except for the oh, so prominent fact that they are alone. And Jeff loves it. He loves having Nick all to himself, as selfish as that may be, and he loves this one-on-one talk they're having. They're roommates, but somehow Jeff feels like he hasn't seen Nick in a really, really long time, and he's really happy Trent and the guys forced him into this.
Until Nick's phone rings.
"And it's like- oh, wait, hold on, Jeff. It's the girlfriend, you know how it is," he says with a wink, and Jeff's shoulders sink. "Hey Quinn-berly… What am I doing? Well, obviously, I'm just sitting around, thinking of you… No, actually I'm at dinner… no, it's not important, it's just Jeff. No big deal… Ha, okay. I'll definitely be there. I'll be out the door in five minutes, okay? See you in like a hour!" Nick flips off the phone. Jeff chokes on his pasta.
"So you're going to see Quinn?" he asks, coughing between words. Nick nods enthusiastically.
"Yeah, sorry, dude. It was nice hanging out with you, but…" he holds his phone up in the air, "you know how it is with the ladies." Jeff doesn't. "See you tonight!" More like tomorrow morning.
Jeff stares at his food until the lunch ladies kick him out.
Jeff remembers what it feels like to self-harm. He doesn't want to, but he does. He's read a million stories and articles and accounts, and it seems to him like most people enjoy cutting. Like the pain causes them pleasure. Jeff doesn't voice his opinions –he never has- but he doesn't think that those people have it right because the point of bleeding is punishment. They don't call it "fun-ishment" or something equally clever and maybe less cheesy.
It hurts.
It's supposed to hurt.
It's always hurt, and Jeff wishes he didn't remember what it felt like. He hears about some people craving for the feel of a blade running through their skin, but Jeff feels like they don't know what they're talking about. No one wants pain, right? They just want what they deserve. Jeff happens to feel like he deserves to be hurt. He likes cutting because he can give himself a punishment that fits his crimes. He doesn't like the blood pouring down his arm. He doesn't like the scars lining his wrists. He's ashamed of them. He likes the feel of justification for his failures.
Only now, though, does Jeff feel like he's been getting it wrong. There are harsher pains than cutting. There's more torturous ways of making him feel pain: like heartbreak. Cause heartbreak sucks. It sucks because it doesn't end and it's always there. It's unavoidable.
Jeff hurts when he's with Nick, and he hurts when he's without him. He feels awful when Nick's not holding his hand, but even worse when he is. He used to be constantly scrounging for more time with the shorter boy, but now he's realizing that maybe it's a little bit easier when they're apart. Jeff was good at loneliness; he's had a lot of practice dealing with it. He's bad at all this fucking, stupid longing Nick's been forcing him into.
Maybe it's best to not be with Nicky.
Maybe it's best to not see him at all.
"I'm just worried, Nick. He just seems… off, and you don't seem to be handling it."
"I… I didn't think it was a big deal. What do you think is wrong?"
"I used to be able to ask you."
"I don't know! David… He's so distant lately. It's like every time we're together, he just doesn't want to be close anymore, and… God, Dav, what if he's… What if he's hurting himself again? Why is he keeping things from me? I can't… I can't…"
"Dude, relax. I don't think he's pushing you away… I just think you're spending too much time with Quinn to really talk with him."
"There aren't enough hours in the day to be with Quinn."
"You used to say that about Jeff."
"Yeah… I did."
"Yeah. You did."
People are looking at him funny. But not their usual funny. Like… funny funny. Like… happy funny. And it's confusing, all these smiles, because Jeff's used to people looking at him with pity or frustration –Operation Niff was a flop, and some of the Warblers didn't seem to want to admit it. Jeff is sitting in French class when Trent creeps up behind him and whispers in his ear.
"Nick and Quinn broke up."
Jeff doesn't think he's heard him right, but Trent nods at him encouragingly, and Jeff's kind of floored for a moment. The other boy's eyes are wide and excited, and Trent looks even more excited than Jeff is.
Jeff has to make a new playlist because his sad music isn't going to cut it anymore. Upon Trent breaking the news, in fact, he switched the song playing on his iPod from "Too Close For Comfort" by McFly to "Lemonade" by Chris Rice. Everything feels good today. It feels so good, that Jeff finds himself listening to "Friday" by Rebecca Black, and "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen, and even "Baby" by Justin Bieber. He's always liked the songs, but now they feel like they're his cause he's happy for once, and it's Friday, so he's gotta get down, and before Nick had came into his life, he'd missed him so, so bad, and when it came to Nick? No body compared to his baby and nobody could come between them or could ever come above.
He goes throughout the rest of his day with a grin plastered on his face, and it seems to be infectious. Every time he casts out a smile, he seems to get one back. He wonders why he doesn't do it more often.
Eventually, it's time for Warbler practice, and Jeff's pretty excited. Today the head council is commanding everyone to preform a ballad so they can see where they are in terms of singing as soloists. Jeff had planned a pretty depressing piece since he, you know, was depressed. But now he had decided to do something a little more upbeat. He picks "Little Joanna" by McFly despite how he always messes up the lyrics. They're his inspiration.
It's not until Nick gets up and sings Coldplay's "The Scientist" that he realizes, while he's happy, his friend must be really upset.
It's Saturday, and Jeff hasn't really gotten the chance to talk to Nick yet. The Warblers decided to take him out due to his break up with Quinn –although it strangely had more of a celebration feel than anything else- and Nick had still been sleeping when he left.
Jeff is just re-entering the room, hands full with his wallet, keys, and a white chocolate mocha from the Lima Bean and Nick's usual nasty almond-milk-ruined coffee, too. Nick is awake, and Jeff hands him his drink, and the other boy almost immediately starts to cry.
"I just… I thought things were going so well, and she… s-she w-was cheatin'n me w-with th-this blonde guy, 'nd I-" Nick tries to speak as he cries, and Jeff isn't sure what to do except hold him because he's never on this side of the equation; he's always the one being comforted, but Nick has given him a great example, so he thinks he's doing an okay job.
"That's rough, man," he says as lovingly as he can without, you know, being too loving. Nick cries on his shoulder for what feels like hours, and Jeff decides that this really can't go on, so he clears his throat and searches for something to say that won't make him sound like a crazy stalker or, worse, a love-struck teenager. "Nick, this is stupid. If she thought she had to cheat on you to get everything she needed, then she's an asshole who doesn't deserve you. You're… you're… God, fuck, Nick. You're perfect. You're hot as hell, you're a great friend, you're a good listener, you… you make people feel good about themselves. You're affectionate. You're everything a person could need." Nick's tears barely slowed.
"I haven't been a good friend to you, though!" he chokes through the snot spreading across his face. Boy crying is exceedingly unattractive, but Jeff can't find it in him to mind. He even thinks Nick looks a bit cute like this. "I keep blowing you off, and it's like I don't even know you anymore, and all this-this is s-so wr-wrong, I don't-I don't kn-know w-what t'do anym're. 'M s-so s-sor-sorr-sorr-" Nick seems to be stuck so Jeff hushes him.
"Nick… It's okay. You had a girlfriend."
"Who sucked."
Jeff smiles. "Who sucked, yeah. Everyone's dumb every now and then, though. This was a prime example," he says with a teasing grin as Nick's tears die down, but his expression quickly sobers up. "I don't think anyone will hate you for it." Nick rubs his nose clean on his sleeve, smearing snot and tears across his cheeks. Jeff hands him a tissue from his bedside table. They're green, of course. That's Nick's favorite color.
"Well, I'm glad, then" he responds, cleaning himself up. Jeff smiles proudly.
"Good."
And then Nick remembers that it's movie night and that he's missed the past twelve or so, and they're both in the mood for something sad but easy, so Jeff puts in Love Actually because it's always made him cry, and afterwards Nick suggests Good Will Hunting because he's not ready to feel happy yet, and Jeff gets that. They use up all the green tissues, so Nick pulls out his own pack of blue.
Jeff tries to believe their blue for another reason, but that is his favorite color, and thinking that Nick bought them for him just feels too good.
It's senior skip day, and all of the Warblers are cutting school because Wes isn't going to be in class, and somehow, someway that just seemed logical. Nick's once again holding his hand. They're at Six Flags, and Jeff is hungry, so Nick buys him a funnel cake, kissing him on the cheek before parting to stand in line for him. They sit next to each other on every ride.
Jeff remembers what good times with Nicky feel like.
They've been hanging out like they used to recently. Jeff doesn't feel scared anymore to rest his head on Nick's shoulder, and most of the time he does. Sometimes, in fact, it feels like Nick is everywhere. They're always touching, or cuddling, or together, and Jeff has missed that. He likes feeling like he's not the only one trying in their relationship anymore.
Nick doesn't ever leave his side. They laugh more than they used to, and as the days fly by, Jeff sees Nick's eyes start to sparkle brighter and brighter. They've always been warm and inviting -ever since that first day when he moved in- but Jeff doesn't remember them being quite so... happy. He thinks that maybe he caught a glimpse of something like it every now and then when he was on the phone with Quinn, but never as brilliant as it was now.
He hopes he was the one to cause it. Jeff wants to be the reason Nick seems more alive. He likes believing that, yes, his feelings could maybe one day be reciprocated, and Nick's gushing compliments and read-into-able comments keep forcing the idea upon him, but Jeff doesn't want to hope too hard. He doesn't want to be disappointed. Not just yet. Not when things are finally fixing themselves.
He's cautious when Trent claims that Nick has a crush on him. It can't be true. It couldn't possibly be true. In fact, the very idea was stupid, and he can't believe Trent would blatantly lie to him like that. Which is a problem because he doesn't believe it so much that it simply must be true.
He's trying but failing to focus on his calculus homework, the problem being that Nick is sitting right-fucking-there and looking far too kissable for his own good. He bites his bottom lip as he watches Nick's mouth move silently while he sounds out French words to himself. Jeff's own voice surprises him.
"What would you say if I asked you to go out with me?" he questions, and Nick's head snaps up so fast, Jeff worries he's about to be ill or something. The last thing they need is sick covering the carpet of their already disgustingly messy room. Nick looks uncertain.
"I think you'd have a very high chance of getting a yes," he replies, and Jeff doesn't know where all this courage is coming from, but he goes to sit on Nick's bed, remembering all the blushes staining Nick's cheeks when the held hands and all the almost-too-kind words he had been saying to him lately.
"I think I like those odds," he says, and Nick flies into him. The shorter boy's mouth is covering his own instantly, and this is exactly how Jeff had always dreamt kissing Nick would be. Nick is practically on top of him, and Jeff speaks against his lips. "I really, really love you, Nicky, I always have, and-"
"Jeff, I think this can wait until later," Nick says, never removing his mouth from his skin, and Jeff nods awkwardly, overwhelmed and much too happy for his own good. Except then Nick is pulling away and shaking his head. "Okay, okay… okay, wait. Really fast," he says against his lips, pushing Jeff away. "Just to prove I'm not a whore, Jeff Sterling… will you go out with me?" Nick asks, eyes wide and more fearful than Jeff had ever seen them. He almost laughs because the last think Nick should be when asking that question is scared that he'll be rejected.
"God, Nicky, yes," he answers because never has he ever been able to say no to Nick Duval, and his roommate smiles.
"Good, now get back here," he commands, pulling Jeff in by his tie.
He can't help but think that it was fate that put them in a room together.
Hmm… So here's the things that are actor little traits in case you wanted to know what was real or not:
Riker Lynch: His favorite Disney movie is Aladdin, his favorite movies are ScottPilgrim vs. The World and Crazy Stupid Love, his favorite band is McFly and they're his inspiration (though he and the other Warblers are incapable of learning the lyrics to "Little Joanna". They sing "coconut curry coffee colored thighs" instead of "coconut cream", but that song is insane, and I always sing "sunkissed raspberry" so I don't blame them), Riker and Curt (maybe Titus, too) have talent crushes on Michael C. Hall. His favorite musical is Grease. His favorite coffee order is, in fact, a white chocolate mocha (and I totally approve). Riker cried when he watched Love Actually. His favorite color is blue.
Curt Mega: His favorite Disney movie is Beauty and the Beast, the boy really wants to be in Next To Normal and his dream song to cover on Glee is "I'm Alive" (I don't get him though, cause that musical is DEPRESSING, although he would be really great in it. I highly recommend listening to him sing and then listening to the actual guy from Next To Normal sing). He loves Coldplay –went to their last concert in LA- and has covered "The Scientist" beautifully. He has a talent crush on Ryan Gosling. Curt is, unfortunately, allergic to milk, and his black and disgusting and filled with almond-milk, I believe. I don't think he uses sugar, but don't quote me on that, all I know is that it sucks regardless. His favorite color is green. He cried when he watched Good Will Hunting.
And yes. I'm creepy. Get over it.