Reason
The first time my world ever truly, completely, shattered, was when you told me you were leaving. You stated your plans in a clear, concise manner, and then looked at me with those extraordinary green eyes as though you expected me to argue or raise a fuss.
How could I? I agreed with your plans, I believed in your intentions, and I knew that you had the determination to see them through. To see them all through. I placed my faith in you, as you had so willingly done with me. But it was with a heavy heart that I let you go.
There we stood on the veranda, seeing each other for what was probably the last time in months. I didn't want to let you go. I wanted you to stay, with me, with Orb, with the life we had carved out for ourselves here. But I couldn't tell you that. I couldn't lay the weight of a guilt that you didn't deserve. I think I wanted to prove something to myself: that I didn't need someone else's help to be successful. With Kisaka gone and Kira…indisposed, you were my last remaining shield against exploitation. In the matter of a few minutes, that shield would suddenly be gone.
The realization that I might have needed that shield was a jarring one. It made me question myself. Without you, would I fall apart? Without you, would my abilities desert me? The answers to these questions were deep inside me. I searched for them…but they escaped me.
I became ashamed, embarrassed. Two years ago I would never be in a situation like this. I would never let myself be put in a situation like this. The Cagalli who had once let her heart do the talking for her was afraid to let it be heard. And by doing so, by blocking this integral part of me, I was no longer Cagalli.
My thoughts were converging into one big mess. My head ached with unbelievable pressure, of trying to shoulder every burden, of trying to tolerate Jona, of trying to maintain an act that I thought you wouldn't be fooled by. I didn't see you reach into your pocket. But the glint of the ring in the fading sunlight caught my eye.
I stared at it, incredulous. I had an idea of what it could be, of what it could mean, but I didn't dare place my expectations so high. That same trait, the Seirans had told me, those same ideals, had lead to the destruction of my father. So I found myself caught between two places, stuck in the middle, unsure of where I should be.
Like so many times before, you rescued me. And you did something else. You praised me with your eyes, and made me feel, right then and there, about as much of a woman as I could possibly be.
I had never entertained doubts of you not loving me. Our bond, our passion, our relationship spoke for itself. I accepted your admonition about Jona with a sceptical eye. And a leap in my heart at you apparent jealousy.
We had always been tentative around each other. We both longed to take further steps, but there was forever something holding us back. There was insecurity and fear, and obligations placed by others. You had done something for me that I would never forget: given up you identity, your home, and your life. Now you planned to reclaim all three. Only Kira, Lacus, and Malchio knew who you truly were. The rest saw you as my bodyguard, as my inferior. Never as my lover.
But I knew exactly what you were capable of doing to me. I knew the disastrous effect your touch had on my common sense. And when you took me into your arms and kissed me, I wanted to be senseless. I wanted to think of you, and only you, and the way you made me feel.
In that last kiss, I tried to memorise you. Your clothes, your face, your body, your scent all became imprinted on my brain. When we broke away, I felt a fleeting sense of loss. And then I squashed it, because I was content with you being only a memory. In fact, I had to be. You had given me no choice.
You said goodbye. I uttered those same words, and then watched you walk away. Watched you leave behind the alias of Alex Dino to become the reality of Athrun Zala.
Those next few weeks found me busy. I hadn't yet heard from you, but I wasn't worried. I didn't have the time to be. Politics had consumed my life even more than before. But I was proud of you. So damn proud. You were doing your best to help prevent war, in whatever way you could. But my admiration didn't help keep me warm at night.
Somewhere in those weeks, I crumbled. Collapsed, unable to function, unable to be effective. My voice was being stifled. The few times it got through, it backfired. So I just stopped letting myself be heard. In doing so, I made a mistake. A mistake which no word could give true justice to the sheer idiocy of. Backed successfully into a corner, I agreed to marry Jona.
I never considered it as betraying you. I thought you'd understand the situation, and my subsequent decision, from my perspective. You would see that I had had no choice.
All I had was hope. There was no definite that you would understand. And if you couldn't, if you didn't want to, I refused to make the circumstances worse. I removed your ring, and tried my best to justify as to why I couldn't wear it anymore. I was no longer yours. I was now his.
As I rode in that limousine, I tried to forget. I tried to forget everything about you, about our relationship, and how we'd met. But I couldn't. The opposite occurred, and the memories came flooding at me. And those tears I shed, the sobs I tried desperately to muffle, were all because of you.
You. You were the reason.
After my rescue, your ring burned a hole into my brain. Kira had returned it to me, and was of the conviction that I should wear it. Yet I hesitated. Knowing all that I had done, would you still want me to wear it? Or would this just rub salt into a festering wound? With no clear answer, I replaced the ring on my finger, and hoped that love was enough.
Because of you. You were the reason.
I was elated upon seeing you again. Yet you were different, not the same Athrun who had left me months earlier. I knew that war changed people, and often not for the better. But I never expected you to be so hurtful, to be so angry. You didn't fortify my pillar of strength; instead, you chipped away at it. I saw that you had heard about the wedding, and you seemed surprised to see me still wearing you ring.
Strangely, that hurt most of all.
And when I boarded the AA, locked my door, and sobbed into oblivion, it was because of you. You were the reason.
Now we find ourselves on different sides, in different factions. Somehow it just seems so wrong that two people fighting for essentially the same thing are on opposing ends. I think about you repeatedly, and about every aspect of your life with Zaft. This war started with me believing that, ultimately, I would end up together with you. This war will end with me knowing that. Our differences can be overcome. Our doubts can be surmounted. Our love must be acknowledged, and pushed to the forefront.
Where it should be. Where we were afraid to let it be.
I could never give up my faith in you. And no matter how disappointed we both are with the other, it shouldn't supersede how we feel. I love you, Athrun. Even if I've never been able to verbalize it, I've tried my hardest to demonstrate it.
When you come back to me, I'll say those words. A hundred times if I have to, if you promise never to leave me again. And you won't doubt that I mean it.
I have the courage, and the resilience to meet with my supporters to try to initiate a change in Orb.
I have the maturity, and the humility to admit my transgressions, and accept them for the significant lessons that they've taught me.
I have the hope, and the desire that you and I will persevere through whatever obstacles life throws our way.
And I get this faith from you. I get everything from you: my desire, my will, my faith. You give me the reasons.
Simply put, Athrun, you are my reason.