The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has something. Don't know what. The doctors won't say. Just some crazy thoughts that entered my tiny mind as Lana ponders an age-old question all working women have.
We Have Anything But All
"Ugh," Pam sighed as she read a magazine in the bullpen. "Another day of doing nothing. I would have thought that would be my dream job but this is getting ridiculous."
"I know," Lana sighed as she read a book.
"It's become so boring around here!" Cheryl groaned as she popped a few groovy bears into her mouth as she sat at a desk. "Nothing interesting happens around this dump!"
"Morning!" Ray walked in wearing his biker outfit and ass-less chaps. "Sorry I'm late. I overslept."
"Well nothing interesting more than usual," Pam said as she admired Ray's ass. "Date night? Or is it Casual Friday again?"
"Today is Tuesday Pam," Lana said. "So? Date night?"
"I was bartending last night for a party for a friend of a friend of mine," Ray explained.
"Was it a costume party?" Lana blinked.
"No," Ray told her.
"Was it a good night?" Pam asked.
Ray thought. "I made four hundred and thirty-eight dollars. Got myself a free dinner, two boxes of condoms, half a pack of cigarettes and three phone numbers."
"That sounds like a good night," Pam remarked.
"I've had worse," Ray said as he sat down on the couch.
"RAY!" Lana barked.
"What?" Ray asked.
"At least put a damn towel down before you sit," Lana groaned.
"Oh, like his bare ass is the only one that's been on that couch," Pam snorted.
"Damn it," Ray groaned. "I should have put down a towel."
"Tried to warn you," Lana said as she looked at her book.
"What are you reading?" Pam asked.
"A self-help book," Lana said.
"How to Not Be an Annoying Bitch?" Cheryl asked. "That would help you!"
"It's called Wanting It All, Having It All," Lana said. "It's about working women balancing a career with their personal lives."
"Right now, my career is my personal life," Ray quipped.
"I'm serious Ray," Lana said. "This book is helping me answer some questions I've been having."
"Where you can get gloves for your monster hands?" Cheryl asked.
"I was going to say what to wear when sweater dresses go out of style," Ray remarked.
"Me too," Pam nodded.
"Even if I have it all," Lana sighed. "Do I want it all?"
"Excuse me?" Cheryl looked confused. "What exactly do you have again? Because last I checked you don't really have anything."
"Yes, I do!" Lana said. "I have a career!"
"Not really," Ray said.
"Since when is just sitting around and doing nothing a career?" Pam asked.
"It would be if she was a politician," Cheryl said. "But since she's not…"
"I have a child," Lana said.
"Because you stole someone else's sperm," Ray pointed out.
"It still counts as having a family," Lana snapped.
"Who you almost never spend any time with," Cheryl said.
"I spend a lot of time with my daughter!" Lana snapped.
"And by a lot you mean those few hours before you ship her off to day care?" Cheryl asked.
"It's not like I shipped her off to boarding school!" Lana barked. "Or left her in the care of a heroin addicted butler!"
"That's true," Ray shrugged.
"Gotta give it to her," Pam nodded.
"So, she passes Ms. Archer's bar in the parenting department?" Cheryl waved. "Technically even those insects that lay their eggs in a dead animal can do that."
"That's also true," Ray admitted.
"Plus, Lana doesn't even have a boyfriend!" Cheryl added.
"I do so!" Lana paused. "He's just in a coma."
"Lana, Archer wasn't exactly there for you when he was awake," Ray pointed out.
"And aren't you two technically still on break?" Cheryl asked.
"You two never really resolved that," Pam added. "Okay he got shot before you did but still…"
"Look you don't need a man to have it all!" Lana snapped.
"She's right about that," Pam said.
"What you do need is money and you don't even have that!" Cheryl added.
"She's right about that," Pam said. "Huh. No offense Lana but in the Having It All Department…You don't seem to have enough."
"Oh God," Lana realized. "I have jack shit."
"We all have jack shit," Pam groaned. "Isn't that a depressing thought for a Tuesday."
"With thoughts like that I'm not gonna make it to Friday," Ray groaned.
"If anyone in this group has it all," Cheryl shrugged. "It's me!"
"You?" Lana scoffed.
"I'm pretty, thin and rich," Cheryl grinned. "I have it all."
"Except sanity," Ray pointed out.
"Who needs that when you have money?" Cheryl snorted as she got up, grabbing her bag of groovy bears and popping them in her mouth as she left the room.
"God, I hate her," Lana groaned. "And I hate the fact that that ditz has more money than we'll ever see."
"If you want to know what God thinks of money," Ray remarked. "Look at who he gives it to."
"She also has enough drugs in her body to fill a pharmacy," Pam remarked. "I've seen lobotomy patients that can think more clearly."
"That does sort of even things out," Ray told her.
"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl was heard laughing insanely.
"Huh," Lana blinked. "That does even things out. I feel better now."
"I think we've established that you can't have it all," Pam said. "That you have to give up something to get something. Just depends what you're willing to give up."
Cheryl walked back in wearing only her blue bra and panties and high heels. "I feel great!" Cheryl giggled. "I'm gonna go dance in traffic! Bye!" She skipped out of the office.
"In Cheryl's case she gave up her sanity and her dignity," Ray added.
"This from a guy in ass-less chaps," Pam pointed. "Who has a point. Cheryl gave up her sanity, sobriety and dignity."
"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!" A car horn blared.
"SHARE THE ROAD BITCHES!" Cheryl was heard shouting from outside.
"And a much longer life span," Lana groaned.