AN: Been a LONG time since I've written anything, feels really good to finally get something out. Hope you guys enjoy it. This is in no way related to Until It's Gone, which sadly I don't think I'm likely to finish. I really do appreciate any and all of you who were following it though. This fic was beta'd by the wonderful thefantasmickah who also did a lot to encourage me to get this out into word and ultimately on here. :)
The elevator's broken again. Of course it is, Tori Vega thinks as she turns toward the nearby stairwell. As she starts making her way to the roof she can't help but wonder if it was Jade who broke it.
Jade West is one of Tori's oldest friends, and she knows Jade well enough to know that the other girl certainly isn't above a little malicious vandalism if it'll allow her some necessary alone time. Under ordinary circumstances Tori would be happy to let Jade stew in whatever's bothering her but tonight she's decided that getting answers outweighs spending any more time alone with Beck in their shared apartment.
With Cat out of town and Beck refusing all attempts at conversation the uncomfortable atmosphere in the groups shared living space had been too much. Whatever had been bothering Beck is likely tied to Jade's conspicuous absence, and when Jade needs time alone to brood Tori can guess with reasonable accuracy that she's sought out sanctuary on the roof.
The gravel crunches under her feet as Tori steps out into the night air. As expected she can see another figure sitting on the small brick ledge circumferencing the rooftop, silhouetted against the bright lights of the city below.
If Jade hears her approach she doesn't say anything, and as she gets nearer Tori takes a moment to observe her friend's appearance. The older girl's hair is a disheveled mess cascading down her shoulders; the darkness hides her face but the lights of the nearby buildings catch on the bright blue highlights streaked through her mane that have only gotten more prevalent as the years have passed. One foot is propped up on the small ledge she's sitting on while the other traces meaningless patterns in the gravel of the rooftop, her left arm rests against her raised knee while the other holds a lit cigarette to her lips.
The end of the cigarette glows brightly in the darkness before she pulls it away and lets loose a stream of smoke into the night sky. At this moment Tori decides to break the silence.
"I thought I might find you here."
Jade doesn't respond, just puts the cigarette back between her lips and turns her head slightly in Tori's direction.
Tori takes this as an acknowledgment of her presence and continues, "I haven't seen you in hours, and Beck's sentences have been growing progressively shorter all night. You guys having a fight?"
Jade turns the rest of the way to face Tori, "We don't have fights."
Tori laughs quietly, "Sure you don't, except for – you know – when you have fights."
Jade doesn't respond.
"Just last week you two had that huge argument over that girl you scared into tears at the movie theater when you thought she was checking Beck out."
Jade shrugs, "Tori, you've known us for how many years now? When have any of our arguments ever been what normal couples would call a fight? We argue, we disagree. We don't fight."
Tori lets out an exasperated sigh, "Whatever, I'd call it fighting."
"Fine, whatever," Jade glares at Tori, "We fight, we argue, we bicker. We don't 'have fights'," she adds, the air quotes audible although she doesn't move.
Tori returns the glare, "I get it, fine, you're the perfect couple. Mind explaining why Beck won't talk to me and you're out here on the roof alone? Smoking?"
Jade looks down briefly at the cigarette in her fingers, "It's not a fight. It's just – a thing, we're having a thing and I needed some air."
Tori crosses her arms at this, "A thing? Really? Jade, cut the crap and stop being so damn cryptic. I want to help."
Jade gives a small chuckle, "Tori, if I were being cryptic you'd know it. I wouldn't just be pissing you off, you'd be hopelessly confused and trying to figure out what the hell I was talking about."
"I am trying to figure out what the hell you're talking about."
"No, Tori, you're just trying to work out what it is I'm not telling you. You're understanding what I am telling you just fine."
This elicits another long sigh from Tori, "Ok, now you're being cryptic."
Jade laughs out loud and then grins at her roommate, "No, now I'm stalling."
Jade's brief attempt at humor breaks a tension that had been building between the two and Tori shares her friend's smile before moving to take a seat on the ledge in front of her. The laughter fades and the girls sit in comfortable silence for a while.
Staring out at the city below, Tori finally breaks the moment, "So do you want to tell me what's really wrong?"
The smile on Jade's face fades a bit and she takes another drag from her cigarette.
Tori continues, "I know I'm not the best friend you'd normally confide in, but I do care. Just tell me what's wrong; I'm not Cat, but I don't mind filling in in her absence."
There's a sadness in Jade's eyes when she turns back to face Tori. Her response is short and quiet, "Beck asked me to marry him."
That wasn't what Tori had been expecting. It takes her a moment to respond, "From our current situation I gather your answer wasn't 'yes'?"
"I didn't say no either," Jade adds defensively, "It's a big deal, marriage."
Tori nods, "Yeah, but you and Beck have been together for more than six years. Haven't you ever thought about it?"
"Of course I have, but not like, seriously or anything. I don't know if I want to get married, and if I do what if it's not supposed to be Beck? What if, I say yes... and I was supposed to say no? There's no coming back from that. Not without changing everything."
Jade runs her fingers through her hair in frustration and Tori watches her silently. She takes in the fear in her friend's voice, the lost look on her face, when a thought suddenly occurs to her – and now it all makes sense.
Tori weighs what she's about to say carefully before she asks, "Jade, is this... is this about Cat?"
Jade's eyes fly up to meet Tori's before looking away quickly. She lets out a long breath, "Of course it is," she answers quietly.
The glow of her lit cigarette draws Jade's attention for a long moment before she angrily flicks it away from her off of the building. Her eyes follow the glowing end as it spins off into the night and quickly fades from view.
Tori stays silent, she has no response prepared for Jade's answer, although she had known what the other girl would say the moment she'd asked the question.
Left with nothing to do with her hands, Jade fumbles through the pocket of her jacket for her pack of cigarettes and begins to pull a new one out of the carton.
As Jade reaches for her lighter Tori finds her voice, "I thought you quit smoking."
The lighter stills in Jade's hands, "I have, or... I did, anyway." She looks thoughtfully at the unlit cigarette in her hand, "Quitting was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I spent more than a year waking up every morning, looking in the mirror and telling myself that I was done. Quitting wasn't going to be hard; I just had to do it. Every morning, the same lie, and I never did."
Tori watches her friend closely and hangs on her every word. This is important. Jade flicks on her lighter and stares vacantly into the flame.
"It was up here right on this rooftop when I finally did make the decision to quit. Classes had been rough that day, one of my professors had decided to make an example of my bad attitude and, well the details aren't important suffice it to say I ended up dropping the class three fourths of the way through the semester. I was out here smoking, trying to forget myself for a while when Cat showed up. Can't remember why she'd been looking for me, she never did tell me. She walked up to me, stood right in front of me and just stared. She had this look – like she'd finally made up her mind about something important – and after a second she just reached up, took the cigarette out of my hand, went into my pockets after the rest of the carton and threw them all over the side of the building. When I'd gotten over the shock I looked back at her and she was still just standing there, only now there were tears in her eyes. Then she pulled me into a hug and said 'I just can't watch you kill yourself like this anymore' and that was it. I didn't have to lie to myself anymore, a few weeks later I was done for good."
When Jade finishes her story there are tears in her eyes as well. She stands up and then turns to lean against the brick ledge, holding the cigarette carton tightly.
After a long moment she looks over at Tori, "If Beck and I – if we get married... it's going to break her heart."
A tear makes its way down Jade's cheek before she angrily tosses the carton off into the darkness. The energy seems to drain out of her and she slumps into a sitting position on the gravel of the rooftop, her back against the brick ledge.
Tori takes a while to formulate her response, spends the time watching her friend sadly while she pieces together her next words.
"Jade... you've always known Cat was going to have her heart broken eventually. I know it's not going to be easy – for anyone – but you can't keep leading her on forever."
Jade looks over her shoulder to glare at Tori, "Leading her on? She's my best friend, Tori! Just because I like having her around and I'm also aware that she's in love with me doesn't mean I've spent the last five years playing with her heart."
Tori smiles sadly, "I know, Jade. I do; but the time is coming soon when you aren't going to be able to stay with Beck without hurting her. She's going to have to move on and so are you."
"So am I?" Jade sighs, "I get it, Tori. I know, I've always known, but it's going to change things. It's going to change everything and I don't know if I'm ready for that. I can't lose her, Tori."
Tori kneels down in front of Jade and puts a comforting hand on her knee, "I know it sucks, Jade... but you can't keep them both."
Tori stays with Jade on the rooftop for a while longer. It's late when Tori heads back down to the apartment, leaving Jade alone with her thoughts.
When she gets back to the apartment she finds Beck asleep on the couch, the TV playing quietly against the wall. She finds the remote to turn it off and pulls a blanket over Beck's sleeping form before heading to her own room to sleep. She's out long before Jade comes back from the rooftop.
The next morning happens as it always does; Tori wakes first, makes herself breakfast and heads out for her morning classes before either of her friends have started their day. Jade and Beck both wake shortly after she leaves and go about their routines in uncomfortable silence until they reach campus and head for different buildings.
Jade can't focus on anything in any of her classes, fails a quiz in her literature class over reading she couldn't care enough to do and ultimately decides to skip her afternoon classes entirely. Three o'clock finds her in a nearby coffee shop, staring absently into her mocha while she tries to corral herself into doing some of her required reading.
Twenty minutes later she's still so thoroughly lost in her own thoughts she doesn't notice Beck as he slides into the booth across from her. He watches her silently for a few moments before reaching across the table and pulling her book away from her.
"Hey!" Jade yelps indignantly, and then the rest of her venomous retort dies in her throat when she sees Beck looking back at her across the table, a sad smile on his face.
"Hey," he offers back.
Jade sighs quietly but returns his weak smile with one of her own, "I guess we need to talk,"
"I was hoping we could," he reaches a hand across the table to cover one of hers.
He notes the wary look in Jade's eyes and tries to offer a reassuring smile, "I don't need an answer now, Jade. I know it must seem like I'm mad at you but I'm not. I love you. I know marriage changes things, and I know we're still young, but if I'm ever going to marry anybody I know I want it to be you."
Jade says nothing, but can't help the small smile his words bring to her face. Beck pulls his hand back after a moment and a sadness passes over his face.
"I know this is about Cat. It's not the secret she thinks it is, what she feels for you, and I know you two are incredibly close. I don't want to hurt Cat any more than you do."
Jade tries to put a hopeful smile on her face, catches Beck's eyes and almost pleads, "Then why do need to do this now? Why does anything have to change? I like our life now."
Beck let's out a deep breath and looks down at his hands thoughtfully for a beat. He looks back up and holds Jade's gaze with a serious look on his face, "Because things change, Jade. We graduate in a year and we can't just share an apartment with Tori and Cat forever. Things change and so do we, and our lives are going to move on and I want to live mine with you. With Cat out of town filming these last few weeks, I just thought... this is it. This is you and me, and it's what I want with my life."
Jade has the beginnings of tears in her eyes but all of her anger at the situation they find themselves in begins to manifest behind them, "So you thought you could only ask me without Cat here? Beck she's in love with me, I'm not-" and she can't quite finish the sentence, but continues anyway, "I can't do this behind her back like this, and you should know that. Why the hell would you plan it out to ambush me with this while she's away?"
A tired look passes briefly across Beck's face, it's one he's worn countless times before whenever he needs to calm Jade down, but it's clear that this time is different.
"Jade, I didn't – I didn't plan to ambush you. I didn't plan anything. I've known I wanted to marry you for years now. I bought this ring 13 months ago. I've kept it with me and almost every day I'll pull it out and think 'Today I'm going to ask Jade to marry me' and I never do. Jade, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life, and I do know that you love me. But I also know that Cat is the best friend you've ever had. I've never had a friend like that, and I know if I did I would be scared to death at the thought of losing them."
Beck pulls one of Jade's hands across the table into both of his and looks her square in the eyes, "I knew, not a week after I bought the ring, that asking you to marry me would change everything. I also knew that if I ever did ask, I wouldn't just be asking you to share the rest of your life with me. I'd also be asking you not to share it with Cat. I've always kind of known that one day I'd have to ask you to choose, I've just been scared to find out what your answer would be."
Jade really is crying now and there are tears forming in Beck's eyes as well as he continues, "I love you, Jade, and I didn't ask you now just because I thought I could trick you into marrying me if Cat weren't around. These last few weeks have been just you and me, and I've been happy. Really, truly happy, and I thought 'if not now, then when?' This is what our life after this would be. I couldn't just hold on to this ring forever."
Jade wipes the tears from her eyes as she tries to pull herself back together after Beck's admission. She looks him in the eye for a moment and then down at her hands, "Beck, I... I need time. I can't do this until I talk to Cat. She needs to hear this from me, and I need to see her to know I'm making the right decision."
She closes her book quietly and slips out of the booth, on her way past she puts a hand on Beck's shoulder, murmurs a small 'I'm sorry' and makes for the door.
Beck gives a deep, drawn-out sigh and puts his head in his hands as he stares absently into the now long-cold mocha sitting on the other side of the table.
The next few days come out in a bit of a blur. Beck packs an overnight bag and leaves to stay with a friend and on his way out Jade can't find the words to stop him. He wears a sad smile that's become familiar the last few days and pulls Jade into a tight hug. She buries her face in his neck and doesn't have any words.
"It's easier this way," he says, "This isn't goodbye. You just need space and I'm giving it to you. Sort out your thoughts. Cat will be home in two days and then you can come find me. I'm not going far."
Jade has class when Cat's flight gets in so Tori picks her up from the airport. They meet up at baggage claim and the tiny redhead is all smiles and excitement. The attitude is contagious and Tori can't fight her own smile even while she knows what's in store for the smaller girl back at the apartment.
Jade arrives home to find bits and pieces of Cat strewn about the entryway. A purse here, a cell phone there; nothing's changed but it's remarkable how much more the apartment suddenly feels like home. Upbeat music and the sounds of unpacking can be heard from Cat's bedroom down the hall.
Cat goes about her unpacking in time with the music, a bright smile on her face, her actions an unchoreographed dance. Jade watches her from the doorway quietly, the simple presence of the smiling redhead filling her with a warmth she hadn't noticed was missing.
She takes a moment to catalog the smaller girl's presence before interrupting her, "Hey movie star," she says with a grin.
Cat turns and squeals upon seeing her best friend, runs across the small room to pull her into a tight hug.
"Jade! Oh my god I missed you," Cat says with a smile into Jade's hair, "You know I'm not a movie star yet."
Jade pulls back to look her friend in the eye, "Yeah, but you will be."
Cat looks down for a second, embarrassed, "I know, it's so crazy. It seems like only yesterday you were writing parts for me in your plays. It's still feels so unbelievable. I'm going to be in a movie!"
"I can't wait to see it. I bet you were amazing."
Cat's brilliant smile is back in full force and Jade can just feel the exuberant energy pouring off the smaller girl. There's a fire behind her eyes that tells Jade everything the redhead is feeling, all of the giddy excitement at wrapping her first movie, her happiness at being home and most of all the undisguisable joy at being reunited with Jade.
"Cat, there's..." Jade starts and then trails off. She can't do this; can't be the one to put the storm cloud over Cat's radiant sunshine. Her best friend is so happy she's bursting with it and Jade wants nothing but to bask in it with her. This movie is a huge deal for Cat. She's worked so hard to make an acting career for herself after high school and it's finally paying off. This movie could very well launch her whole career. She deserves to enjoy that.
A thought of Beck crosses briefly through Jade's mind. She thinks about all the little things currently missing from their shared bedroom and internally heaves a heartbroken sigh. This is important too. She owes it to both of them to be honest about this, and as much as she loves Cat, she can't go on pretending everything is perfect when she knows it's not.
Cat is looking at her inquisitively as Jade starts again, "Cat, there's something I need to tell you."
The gravity in Jade's voice brings out Cat's curiosity but the smile doesn't leave her face, "Oh, what is it? You know I love surprises."
Cat isn't going to make this easy. Jade closes her eyes tightly for a second, steels herself and continues, "Beck... asked me to marry him, earlier this week."
The redhead's smile flickers for a second but stays on her face. It's changed now, though. The smile that seconds ago was radiating warmth and happiness is now frozen; the fire behind Cat's eyes goes out.
"Oh, that's-" Cat's voice catches for a moment, "That's great. Jade, I'm so happy for you! I always knew you and Beck would get married. You guys have been, like, the dream couple for as long as anyone can remember. I can't believe it took him this long to ask you. Do you know when you guys are getting married? I bet it'll be such a beautiful wedding, and you'll look great in your dress. Even though I know you don't like wearing all white. Maybe you can get a different colored dress. Blue! Like your hair-"
Jade cuts off Cat's rambling with a finger pressed to the other girl's lips, "I haven't said yes... yet."
Jade watches Cat carefully. The smaller girl doesn't know how to respond. Her frozen smile falters and her confusion begins to show on her face, "You haven't said yes? But, what does that-" and it's clear she has no idea how to process this; can't begin to tell what Jade means.
Jade looks Cat in the eye, watches everything that flickers across her expression. As her confusion spreads across her features, Cat's smiling facade finally breaks completely and she suddenly looks so much younger than her 21 years. Underneath all of the confusion Jade can see the battle between her hope, her fear and most of all pain going on behind her eyes.
She had been going to ask questions, talk to Cat, figure out what she really wanted; but as Jade looks into her best friend's eyes all she can see is the pain she knows she put there, and the only thing she can think about is taking it away.
"I haven't said yes... and, I'm not going to."
Cat still doesn't know what to think so Jade reaches up to rest her right hand against Cat's cheek, brushes strands of brilliant red hair behind her ear.
"I know, Cat. I know what... how you feel about me," Jade takes a deep breath and looks down and away from Cat's eyes for a moment before staring into them again, "And I can't lose you."
And there it is, the answer to the question Jade's been asking herself for days. It suddenly feels as if there was never even a question at all. This other girl, her best friend, this fiery blur of ruby red hair and endless energy; Jade can't live without her. She loves Beck, fiercely, and she always will; but the distinction that's eluded her until now is that while she may love Beck, she needs Cat.
"Jade, I-" Cat starts to say, but Jade cuts her off.
"I know," she says quietly as she leans her forehead into Cat's. There are tears in both of their eyes.
Something silent passes between them as Jade brushes a tear off of Cat's cheek, and with that unspoken admission Jade leans forward and presses her lips softly against Cat's.
The kiss is barely there, for a moment, but then Cat comes back to herself and presses forward into Jade. Their lips begin to move slowly against each other as the kiss begins to deepen. Soon Jade turns them around and presses Cat's back against the wall by the door, and the pair explore each other's mouths as they desperately try to express years worth of emotions in a single moment.
Jade pulls away finally to catch her breath and she leans back to watch the redhead closely. Cat's staring back at her, and Jade can see it in her eyes; a lost look, almost disbelief clouds her expression next to the passion she also clearly feels for Jade. Jade knows what it means, Cat doesn't believe this is real. She's spent so long pining after Jade, watching the love of her life cling to Beck, and she's told herself it would never happen; that this would never happen.
Jade puts her hand back onto Cat's face, brushes her thumb softly against her cheek, "Cat, I... I love you. I really do, and I'm so sorry it took me so long to figure this out, that I made you believe Beck was the one I really wanted. I can't undo that, but I can do this, whatever this is, with you. Now. And I'll break up with Beck and I can show you how wrong I was not to do any of this sooner."
Cat gives a tentative smile as Jade's words, the hope finally beating out all of the pain and fear behind her eyes.
"Jade..." Cat starts, but can't find words for what she's feeling so she simply leans forward again and presses another kiss against Jade's lips.
As Jade returns the kiss, she tries not to think about Beck, or about the future at all. Not everything is going to be this easy, and she still has things left to lose before this is over. She doesn't think about how this will hurt him, but in the back of her mind she knows that breaking his heart can't possibly hurt the way it did to see Cat about to come apart in her hands moments earlier. This is the right choice, she knows it, and she takes comfort in that and in the feel of Cat's lips pressed against her own as she lets everything else slip away.
Later that evening Jade sits on the edge of her best friend's bed (or is it girlfriend now?) and watches the sleeping form of the small redhead tangled in the sheets. She smiles softly at the cute noises Cat makes in her sleep.
Jade stands quietly and begins looking around the room for her clothes, this has all moved so fast, and in another story this might have been a mistake – progressing their relationship so quickly – but it's her's, and Cat's, and Jade hasn't felt this sure about anything in a long time.
As she begins to put clothes back on Jade fights with the part of herself that hadn't wanted to leave the bed. It should be easy to stay, lie naked in bed and fall asleep with Cat Valentine curled up in her arms, but it isn't. There's too much going on in her head, too much that still hasn't played out and she can't sleep, not yet.
Jade pads quietly down the hall to her own bedroom and takes a seat on Beck's side of the bed, looks over the things left on his nightstand. There's a picture frame sitting next to the lamp that Jade realizes shouldn't be empty. Beck seems to have taken the photo of the two of them that used to be there when he packed up his things two night's earlier.
Behind the frame is a note with the quickly scribbled address of Beck's friend Derek. A strange feeling settles in Jade's chest. Why would Beck take a photograph with him when he left? She makes a brief catalog of the other objects missing from the room. Most of his things are still in place, but the ones that are missing are telling. He's taken more than clothes, packed for more than two days on a friend's couch.
Jade pulls on a pair of shoes, grabs the note with Derek's address and makes for the door.
Fifteen minutes later she finds herself walking up the sidewalk toward another apartment building. There's a car parked on the street out front with its doors open and the trunk popped up. As Jade gets closer she sees someone who looks a lot like Beck's friend Derek disappear into the nearby building and then suddenly Beck's head pops up from behind one of the doors.
He's holding a small box of his personal possessions and Jade feels a sudden swell of anger.
"So that's it then. You'd already given up when you left on Tuesday?" Jade accuses as she nears the car.
Beck sets the box down and calmly turns to face her, "No, I haven't given up on us Jade."
She looks unconvinced, "So what, you just felt like packing up your things and leaving for the hell of it then?"
Beck sighs, "I got a job offer, a part in a new TV series that starts filming up in Vancouver soon. If I'm going to take it I need to leave tomorrow."
"You put us both through all of this and you were planning to leave town the whole time?" Jade doesn't know why she feels so angry. She doesn't know that she even has the right; she did come here to break his heart after all, but her pride won't let her back down.
"I haven't left yet."
"But you will tomorrow, you just said so."
Beck leans heavily against the car, composes his thoughts, "Jade, opportunities like this don't come along every day. This job is a big deal and I couldn't just turn them down immediately. But Jade, it isn't too late for me to back out."
"So you made a back up plan in case I turned you down?" Jade says through her anger. Her emotions are a mess she can't even begin to sort out, she hadn't steeled herself for this.
"This isn't some kind of fall back alternative, Jade. I told you what you mean to me. This is a huge opportunity. They gave me until tomorrow to decide and so I made the decision to finally ask you to marry me. I love you, Jade, I just wanted you to give me a reason to stay."
The fight finally leaves Jade and she stares down vacantly at her own feet, "Beck, I... I talked to Cat. We..." and her words leave her before she can finish the sentence.
Beck smiles sadly, "I know. I think I always knew how this would end, I just hoped I was wrong."
Jade wipes a tear from her eye, "I don't want to lose you, Beck. I don't know how..."
"You'll figure it out. Job or not you do know I can't stay."
"But, why not?" Jade pleads weakly.
"You know why, Jade. I can't be here right now. I love you, I always will, and deep down I really am happy for you. Cat's an amazing girl and you two have a connection the rest of us can't even understand half the time. But I can't be here. I can't take Cat's place while she takes mine. This changes things, and I may be glad that you're happy but I can't stand by and watch it. Not when I know how much it will hurt."
Beck closes the distance between them and pulls Jade into a strong hug. She buries her face in his shoulder for what might be the last time and wishes this didn't have to end this way.
He pulls back and takes a long look at her face, memorizing the details one last time, "This isn't goodbye forever, Jade. Maybe someday things will be different. I'll have a life of my own and so will you and Cat, and we can find spots for each other again. But until then, this is goodbye."
He leans down and presses a kiss against her forehead before letting her go and heading back inside the nearby apartment building. Jade stands quietly on the sidewalk for a while, lost in thought. Finally she composes herself, gives one last look to the door Beck just entered, and then turns to leave; putting Beck behind her as she heads toward home.
None of this is easy, but as her heart says goodbye to Beck a smile finds its way onto her face at the thought of building a future with Cat. Her spirits lift as her focus shifts to thoughts of the beautiful redhead, and by the time she finds herself back inside their apartment she knows that her heart is truly at peace and ready to begin this next stage of her life.