Title: Cooking with Mary-Sue

Rating: T for bad language, Gordon Ramsey isn't unique you know.

Spoilers: None

Pairings: None that I can think of

Summary: The Ramblings of Atlantis' Head Chef

Disclaimer: I own none of the Atlantis characters; I do own Alex Ramsey though 'cos she's me, only I'm not quite as bad as she is. The Mary Sue Challenge idea isn't mine either it comes from sliverofwingless posted by Lady Valmar at the forbiddengalaxies yahoo group.

Authors Notes: I've enjoyed the Mary-Sue Challenge fics that have been floating about so I thought I'd have a go too, I hope I'm not treading on anyone's toes here. I am a chef, I do have a bit of a temper, my mind does wander and tend to eff and blind a lot when I'm cooking, so me and Alex Ramsey are very similar. Enjoy and chefs do swear that badly, honest.

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"Chief, the ovens are down again" says Mick my watch leader, I sigh and haul myself out of the chair. Why does everyone in this place have to have a title? Colonel, Major, Captain, Doctor, Chief. I was saddled with the title Chief because the last Head Chef was an Army Chief Cook and the title stuck. Let me introduce myself, I'm Alex Ramsey, I'm Atlantis' new Head Chef and I'm EXTREMELY pissed off.

"How long has it been going on this time?" I ask,

"Since breakfast" he replies

"Have you called Dr McKay?" I say

"Twice" says Mick with a sigh "and I always get the same reply 'too busy'". Ok I've had enough now; McKay's been giving me the royal run-around for three days

"It's about time I paid the little tosser a visit and told him what will happen if he doesn't fix the fucking equipment in here," I say. Mick grins

"I hoped you say that chief," he says. I stride out of the door and head for the Lab; surely even, he's heard about my temper. I'd only been in the place twenty four hours before I'd thrown my first tantrum, the idiot kitchen porter had wasted a whole bag of potatoes and I'd not been happy and while I'd been screaming at him three squaddies had burst in with gun's drawn, apparently they thought I was trying kill him. Thank God, their CO had turned up and told them to back off before I'd thrown the tray I was holding at them. By the time, I'd apologised to everyone and baked a conciliatory batch of Chocolate Chip Cookies gossip was spreading about my temper, mind you that Major, ah...what's his name? Blue eyes, nice ass...Lorne, that's it Lorne had said I could scream at him all I wanted as long as he got cookies afterwards.

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I'm in the lift...transporters or whatever the hell the people who built this place call them and for some reason I've got Anarchy in the UK playing in my head, that'll teach me to let Charlie have what he wants on the CD player. I'm singing! I'm going to kick McKay's ass and I'm singing. I am an antichrist, I am an anarchist, Don't know what I want, but I know how to get it, suits the situation though. The doors open and I stride towards the lab, I still have bloody Anarchy in the UK in my head.

"Where's that pipsqueak McKay!" I yell as I enter the lab, all eyes turn to me and a few jaws drop open "come on where is the little tosser?", the Czech guy, Zelenka points to the back of the lab. McKay stands up.

"Who the..." he starts, then he sees who it is and a sneer creeps onto his face "Oh its Miss Manners, I should have known, I told your..."

"Get your fucking ass up to my kitchen and repair my power systems before I lock you in my deep freeze until your balls turn blue and fucking fall off," I scream. There's a sharp intake of breath from the people in the lab and McKay's face goes purple "don't make me come up here again, I might not ask so nicely next time" I turn on my heel and stride out, my temper's evaporating as I get nearer the kitchen, time to bake more cookies methinks. I take a detour to Dr Weir's office, better explain myself to her, she sees me coming and puts down her file

"Yes chief" she says,

"I'm sorry to say that Dr McKay will be putting a report in about me, I threatened to lock him in my deep freeze until his balls dropped off unless he fixed the power in the kitchen," I say. She sighs

"Ok chief, I do understand but try not to make a habit of it" she says, I make a mental note to add Dr Weir to my tally for cookies

"Thank you Dr Weir and I'll try not to" I reply. When I get back to the kitchen, I find Dr Zelenka looking over the power systems,

"Blimey that was quick," I say to Mick.

"He turned up about five minutes ago, whatever you said to McKay must have worked" he replies. Being a British kitchen the kettle is never cold so I make two mugs of tea and wander over to Dr Zelenka.

"You drew the short straw eh?" I say as I hand him the mug, he nods as he takes it and drinks "your boss is a wuss" he looks blankly at me "coward, chicken, uncourageous", understanding dawns and he nods

"Your threat would not work on McKay as he does not have any to fall off" he replies. I burst out laughing

"Well I'll lock him in until his fingers fall off then" I say grinning, I point to the power system "is it terminal?" he shakes his head

"I've managed to get the equipment working again but I'll need to stabilize the system so it won't keep failing" he replies. I ask something that's been bugging me since I got here

"How do you deal with the Fuckwit McKay?" I ask

"When he starts ranting I let it go in one ear and out of the other," he replies

"Ah, I know that one, the face is listening but the mind is elsewhere" I say, he nods

"You and I are more alike than you know," he says. Bloody Hellfire! I'm blushing, ok out of here before your reputation is ruined.

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About an hour later and I'm just finishing the last of a large batch of cookies, I've upset many people this week and I'm blaming PMT, it usually works, when Zelenka pokes his head around the door.

"I am finished" he says, I point to the cookies on the rack

"Help yourself," I say, he picks one up and starts to eat, "so, I shouldn't have anymore problems?" I ask

"Everything is working ok now but next time something goes wrong call me instead of McKay" he says, I raise an eyebrow "I know better than to upset the chef, it's something you learn very early in the Army" I grin at him. Having worked on a number of Army and Navy bases, I've often heard this,

"Sensible man" I reply. He picks up another cookie and turns to leave

"Lemons" he says, I frown

"No chocolate chip" I reply, he smiles

"McKay is allergic to lemons," he says with a wicked grin. Realisation dawns on me

"Ahhhhhh, Dr Zelenka you are wicked," I say

"I know" he replies. Did he just wink at me? He leaves and I'm left idly wondering what the national dish of the Czech Republic is because I'm sure he's going to deserve it before long.

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AN: I hope you enjoyed it and I do make choc chip cookies as thank you's and as Sorry-I've-Been-A-Cow-Forgive-Me gestures. Do you want to see more of her? Do you want to see her lock McKay in the Freezer? Then let me know.