AN: OK so this is just a one shot to get me back into the swing of things. Those of you waiting for Only You to be updated thanks for your patience and I am working on it! I have not given up!
Big thanks to Lochnessie17 for being my Beta if you haven't read paperwoman or her new story No questions asked then go check it out now! Well after you have read this.
"Hey, Mom, it's me Santana." My voice is meek and I can barely hear it over the loud music that's blaring from behind the partly open door.
In front of me is the woman who is supposed to be my mother. The one who is supposed to protect, cherish and love me unconditionally.
"How did you find me?" Her voice is hoarse and her face void of any emotion.
"Um, I turned 18 a while back…" I look at her expectantly, waiting for any kind of reaction but she isn't giving me anything. I quietly take in her appearance. Blood shot eyes, slightly glazed and limp greasy hair. A sick feeling creeps through my entire being and I know this isn't going to be the happy ending I so naively pictured.
"I haven't got any money for you if that's why you're here," She sneers at me.
"No! That isn't what I wanted. I-I uh, j-just wanted to see you," I stutter out my nerves getting the best of me.
"Well now you've seen," she spits out.
The next thing I know she is slamming her door in my face. Tears well up in my eyes automatically, and I frantically turn to run away before the first few tears start to fall.
"Stupid, stupid Santana, did you really think she would want to see you. I told you she wouldn't. I told you you're a worthless nobody who is good for nothing." He tells like its a matter of fact.
Naïve is definitely the word I would use if somebody asked me to describe myself. One simple word, yet this simple word can possess the essence of both good and bad. Unfortunately, there is no combination of both good and bad. At least, not in my world there is only one or the other. Good or bad. The good kinds of people who are naïve live in their own bubble of rainbows and unicorn's. Everyone is generous, caring and loving. People don't let you down, and you are always able to see the good in somebody. The trouble with that kind of naïve is you are setting yourself up for severe disappointment. Life isn't rainbows. Life doesn't have unicorns. There is no inexplicable magic that can make life joyous.
Even though I know this to be true, well, here's the funny side, I am so envious of those positive people. I would love to be the good kind of naïve. I used to hope one day if I searched hard enough I would finally see what it is they see: the amazing, extraordinary and wonderful things that apparently can be found. Yet here comes into play the flip side the bad side of hope, the side I fell on, whether I had any say in what side I wanted to be on I still can't decide, but here I am, on the bad side. I am too naïve to believe I deserved a good life, too naïve to expect people to care about me, and definitely too naïve to expect myself to be strong enough to cope with the hand I was dealt.
Strength, bravery, and passion are what I lack. I don't have the strength to fight the demons possessing me, I don't have the bravery to try, and I don't have any passion for life, at least not anymore. Here's an extra word to add to my list of ways to describe myself, coward. I know it and I bet anyone who can see me sitting here is thinking it.
"Taking the easy way out," is what they will say. "She didn't try hard enough. She's a complete coward."
Fortunately,I won't have to care for much longer what they think, I won't have to second guess everything I do, I can stop constantly trying to please everyone and I will stop having to hide who I really am. Hopefully I will find a peaceful serenity on the other side.
No more pain, no more nightmares and no more of his voice inside of my head.
"Hey," an unknown voice suddenly called out, jolting me from my voice is soft, pure even, but it's too far away too distant.
"What are you doing up here?" the voice questions me once more. "Do you mind if I join you?"
That question definitely catches my attention. Who would want to Join me? Slowly I turn to the sound of the voice to put a face to this person who is stupid enough to try and distract me from my impending fate.
My heart makes an extra thick beat when my eyes connect with eyes clearer than any ocean. Her eyes are definitely clearer than the river I have been staring into obsessively since I climbed up here. Even though I felt that spark it was too fleeting, the numbness recovers too quickly.
"Are you trying to fly? Because I'm not too sure this is the best place to learn."
"Ignore her she's going to try and play mind games with you. Do not get distracted. We have a plan."
He's totally right. I have a plan no time for distractions anymore.
With the little energy I have left I manage to pull myself away from her captivating eyes, they seem like they want to dive head first into my soul.
"Shame you don't have much of one. She will probably break her neck on the shallowness of your soul."
Movement in your peripheral visions makes you turn back to the person with the magnetic eyes. She is climbing over the railing. The fog clears briefly as I am struck with a sudden feeling of fear for this individual. Forgetting my own precarious position, I quickly reach out to steady her. The shock of her actions is nearly almost as shocking as the glimpses of feelings I have just experienced. It has been so long since I have felt anything other than numb.
Letting out a sigh as she finds her balance, she turns towards me a big smile on her face, "Thanks for helping me, I totally can't swim or fly, so that could have ended messily."
I just frown in response. This girl is totally confusing me. Her innocence it's completely unsettling yet consuming.
"Snap out of it you idiot she is playing mind games. Nobody is that innocent."
Before I get the chance to turn away, she is speaking to me again.
"Can you swim?"
All I can do is nod in response I seem to have lost my voice around the time I lost my fight to continue this sham of a life I have been leading.
My response seems to please her though if the bright grin she gives me is anything to go by.
"That's awesome maybe if you accidentally fall, you might be able to swim out, if the impact doesn't kill you."
Well damn she gets straight to the point. I just stare at her mouth agape in shock. Although I can't deny her bluntness is kind of refreshing. Nobody has spoken to me like this in a long time. With seemingly no hidden agenda, not obligated to talk to me, and she definitely isn't getting paid to do it.
"Course she is, I bet she is one of them police officers, specially trained for these kind of situations and dressed down to seem more approachable. You know how these services work and you have spent enough time around them to know how fake they are. Just fucking jump already what's the hold up?"
"No."
"No!? What do you think were sat up here for, to enjoy the view? We made this plan now its time to execute it."
"Hey"
I raise my eyes to her in response.
"Who are you talking to? Do you have an imaginary friend too? I used to have one when I was a kid his name was Derek his profession was a cowboy, we used to have so much fun."
I just slowly shake my head side to side I currently have no words to reply.
A frown graces her features and I instantly want to take back whatever I did wrong that caused that look to appear on her face. But before I can even come up with a way for that to happen she is speaking again.
"Is it one of the bad ones?" Her voice is much quieter and softer this time.
I almost detect a sense of understanding from her and I find it kind of fills me with a warm sensation.
"Don't you dare tell her about me, she doesn't care we are alone we always have been."
"Arghhhh…Shut up!" I shout out whilst hitting my head with my right hand in a vain attempt to stop him from talking. All I get is a temporary ringing in side of my head from the impact.
A soft gentle hand grips my hand and slowly eases it away from my head. I almost jump from the shock that travels up my arm, the shock quickly fades but a warm current continues to travel throughout my body and I have never felt anything so soothing.
I glance to her face is it possible she can feel it too? Her expression is unreadable her eyes still looking at my hand, but slowly her eyes rise to meet mine and they tell me all I need to know.
She feels it too.
My voice sounds croaky through lack of use but I need to know. "Who are you?"
She smiles softly in answer before telling me, "My name is Brittany S. Pierce but not to be mistaken for Britney Spears." She finishes with a wink at me.
That wink is like an injection of life into my body, my heart starts beating faster and with more purpose than it has in years.
"What's your name?"
"Ha she wants to know your name, which one shall we give her? What about worthless that was pretty popular when you were younger, useless maybe, scum, slut or my personal favourite dyke?"
Taking a deep breath I try to breathe out my discomfort.
"I-It's S-Santana." I whisper meekly.
"Santana, that's a pretty name for a pretty lady." She responds cheekily. "Well… Santana I don't know about you but its pretty cold up here, do you maybe want to get down so we can go get some hot chocolate?"
"Uhm"
"Don't do it, you fucking idiot why would she be any different from the numerous other people who pretended to care! You know as well as I do, as soon as they find out how messed up you are and a dyke on top of it, all you will see is her ass walking away from you. On second thoughts she looks like she has a nice ass, I wouldn't mind the view. Yeah lets do it lets go set ourselves up to get hurt again."
I let out a sigh and delicately tell her "I cant. I'm sorry."
He's right, he always is.
"Sure you can. If you don't like hot chocolate we can get coffee, but I will have to drink hot chocolate, I'm not allowed coffee anymore."
"Why?" I find myself more willing to respond the more she talks.
"I am pretty sure it's some kind of drug the last and only time I had coffee I went so hyper, even more than normal that my friends banned me from ever drinking it again."
"It can't have been that bad?" Completely surprising myself when I realize that I am genuinely interested in what she has to say.
"Just delaying the inevitable."
I try to tune him out and focus on what Brittany has to say.
"I am pretty sure I was up for over than 24 hours and a jittery mess, it's still kind of hazy. But from what i remember it was in high school the night before one of my exam's senior year and my friends and I were cramming in some last minute revision and they made me a coffee because I was beyond tired. I'm not the smartest grape in the bunch so I was working extra hard and my friend said the coffee would help me focus. To cut a long story short the coffee made me completely wired and I stayed awake all night completely hyper. When I got into my exam the effects were wearing off and I fell asleep two minutes into the exam. " She tells me and I notice a flicker of sadness pass over her eyes.
"But it's fine because they thought I was sick and luckily I was aloud a re-sit..." Brittany trails of at the end her embarrassment glaringly obvious.
"A re-sit isn't so bad."
"They let me re-sit the next year...I had to repeat my senior year." Her sadness physically hurts my heart and i find myself wanting to rid her of the shame she feels.
"That's nothing to be ashamed off, Brittany. I didn't even finish high school, I'm a true Lima loser." I tell her my voice void of any emotion.
"I don't think you need coffee anyway, you seem so full of energy." I tell her, quick to change the subject, but what I said is true I can practically feel the energy vibrating from her entire being.
"How cute, pass me the sick bucket you two are making me green. Are you seriously sat on top of this bridge talking about coffee before you jump?"
I close my eyes in frustration, sometimes I wish so hard that he would shut up and let me think for myself. But he has been there for so long and been the only one who hasn't left. Poisonous as his words may seem, he has never told a lie everything he said has always been the truth.
I am a worthless, good for nothing dyke.
"Hey, you are definitely not a Lima loser." Britt tries to convince me.
I just raise my eyebrow at her skeptically.
"Well for one you aren't in Lima... We're in New York." She informs me with a wiggle of her eyebrows breaking the tension that was lingering.
"Oh, she has a point we are now a New York loser, a disowned, disposable New York loser. You should be so proud."
"San, can you just focus on me for a second, I know it must be hard. Those bad voices can be pretty loud and opinionated huh?"
I just nod in acknowledgement. Getting out of your own head sounds so simple but when you have locked yourself in for your own protection, sometimes you can't forget where you left the key and escaping feels almost impossible.
No matter how much you want to try and fight it sometimes death can seem like the only way out.
"Do you want to know what I think?"
I look at Britt urging her to go on, eager to see what theory she has on my poor state of mind. I have nothing else planned today other than jumping and that can wait a few more minutes.
"OK." Britt smiles once she has my attention. "I think you're tired, so tired of fighting, so tired of failing, hitting wall after wall. I think you have had a harder life than you expected, and no matter what you did to try and fix it every attempt has been thrown back in your face. You try and become this perfect person for everybody else, spending so much time trying to please everyone that along the way you have lost yourself. I think you are scared of trying anymore, this last failure sealed the deal. This last failure what ever has pushed you this far. It just proved every negative thought that was going through your mind tattooed every bad name anyone has ever called you into your very heart."
I take a choked breath in trying to will the tears rapidly pouring down my face to disappear. Emotion, any kind is such a foreign concept to me these days I hate showing it especially tears, tears equate to weakness.
"Let me ask you this though." Britt continues, "Have you ever met anybody worth it? Somebody willing to be there for you through everything, somebody not easily scared off. When you can't find the energy to fight, have someone to take over for a while, just till you have recharged. Lastly and the most important, have you ever had someone who wants you to be yourself nothing more nothing less."
You shake your head in response and use your only free hand to rub furiously at the tears that keep flowing.
"I can be that person for you Santana. I know you don't know be and this is completely unconventional but, I am asking you to try. I know it won't be easy but what else do you have to lose? Try one last time to beat the demons. Be happy. Santana…" She looks at me making sure she has my full attention. "Give yourself a chance. The real you. The one you must have dreamt of being before you got lost in the dark."
"What if I fail? What if I just become another disappointment?" My voice barely comprehensible through the tears.
"You will and that's why you're stuck with me, nobody else wanted to be around such a disappointment."
Brittany just shrugs, "What if you don't? What if you win? What if you become this amazing, strong independent woman? If you constantly question what if, you will spend too much time contemplating every decision you ever make. I think its time you broke out of your head and just live."
"I don't know if I have any energy left." I tell her honestly.
"Hey what did I just tell you? I am full of energy, in fact I have so much energy I could easily share it with you, give you a jump start so to speak."
I can't help but let out a little chuckle out at her innocent expression, and wonder if she is aware of how that could have been interpreted.
"So what do you say?" Her expression is completely serious, this time round. "You want to give it one last try?"
I stare into her eyes looking for any sign of insincerity, yet no matter how hard I look there is nothing but clear, open honesty.
"Together?" I hesitantly ask, holding my breath in anticipation for her answer.
"Together." She nods and extends her pinkie towards me.
A small smile graces my face as I link my pinkie with hers.
This has to be the most surreal moment of my life. Sat here ready to end it all and having what I expected to be my last interaction with anyone, and yet it might just be the start of something...
"Excellent, can we climb back over now then because I keep picturing titanic in my mind, you know the, you jump I jump scene and that never has a happy ending."
I let go of her hand and turn back round to carefully climb back over the railing in response and turn round to help Brittany get back safely too.
"What were you even doing up here anyway Brittany?" As it suddenly dawns on me this is a weird place to just be passing by.
"I was walking Lord Tubbington because I'm trying to get him to lose weight. But as you can see…" She inclines her head to the right. "I haven't been very successful so far."
I turn my head to the right to see the fattest cat I have ever seen and try to keep my expression of shock from my face. Lord Tubbington is definitely the fattest cat I have ever seen.
"Anyways lets not talk about Lord Tubbington while he is present his ego is big enough as it is. You ready to go get some hot chocolate." Brittany enquirers with her pinkie extended.
I just link my pinkie in answer and let her take me where ever she wants.
She's right, what do I have to lose?
Sometimes life feels like its a never ending fight. A constant storm raging, a torrential downpour. Sometimes though all it takes is that little bit of sun to break through that storm and providing you with that little bit of light to guide you out of the darkness. If you're lucky you will find your very own sun who can light up your darkness and one day you will be strong enough to be your own light.
AN: Verdict, rubbish? Give up writing all together? I know it was mega angsty but I had it stuck in my head and just had to write it!