It's 3:00 a.m. when you finally get the call. You roll over and grab your cell phone.
Mark.
"Babe?" you answer sleepily.
"Wha…what…d-don't call me baaabe"
There's rambling in the background. You recognize Ben and Cole's voices.
Oh, boy.
"Hello?" you say patiently.
"H…shhhh, quiet you guuuys…. Hi is this Uber?"
No, jackass, this is your girlfriend-you want to say. However, in the depths of the early morning hours, you're feeling particularly wicked. Your mouth curls into a mischievous grin.
"Why yes, it is," you reply, "Do you need service?"
"WHOA…whoa, lady," Mark slurs his warning, "Calm down with the service…we need…rides."
"Okay, sir. Where are you?"
"We're…guys, where are we?"
You sit up in bed and roll your eyes as you hear the three of them trying to make sense of their surroundings. You know where they are – Mark told you he was having boy's night at the usual spot. You also know he must be shitfaced if he confused your number for the Uber App.
"We're…at….at the Double Tap," he finally answers.
"Be there shortly," you say.
Once you hang up you rub your hands together. You feel like you did when you were five in a candy store: This will be a treat. From your closet you pull a pair of glasses and a blond wig – part of last year's Halloween costume. You put them on along with an old college sweatshirt. One look in the mirror, plus knowing how wasted they are, confirms they won't notice a thing.
Driving to the bar you are in good spirits. It's not often you get an opportunity like this. When you get there, you see them.
It's hard not to.
Ben, Mark, and Cole all attempting to breakdance on the sidewalk. Chaperoned by Horatio. You know it's horrible. You know. But you pull out your phone and take a quick video. Blackmail.
When you get out of the car and approach them, Horatio does a double take. You put your finger to your lips and wink; he understands.
"Uber transportation for Mark Collins?" you say in a bored, tired sort of voice.
Mark gets up from a bad attempt at floor rocking and nearly falls back over. He looks at you sideways and blinks several times.
"That's…that's me," he points to himself, "I'm …. that dude."
You point to your car and directly avoid Horatio's stare. If you look at him you'll dissolve into a giggle fit. This is too good. You watch the boys stumble towards your car. Ben tries to open the car door. And tries. And tries.
"Ben," Horatio calls to him, "that's the gas compartment!"
Ben looks at it for several seconds before moving his hand to the actual handle. He opens the door and throws it open with such force it makes you flinch. The three practically climb over each other to get into the backseat. When they close the door you see Cole press his face to the window. Horatio then turns to you.
"Dani, what are you doing?" he asks.
"If I must be D.D," you explain, "I might as well have a little fun."
You expect Horatio to express dissent. However, when you turn around and Cole now has his ass pressed to the glass he nods.
"Are the child safety locks on?"
"Nope, I want to see at least one of them tuck and roll from the car," you respond in jest.
"I want to hear this tale tomorrow," he says to you with a small smile.
You give Horatio a pat on the shoulder and go back to the car. Once you ensure your passengers are wearing seatbelts (it takes Mark three tries and a pinched finger) you head first to Ben's place.
"So, gentlemen," you begin casually, "did you have a good evening?"
"Oh…we…. yes. That's a yes," Ben nods vigorously.
"We...are…we're…." Cole laughs at himself "motherfucking legends. Youuuu…. lady… are driving….l…legends."
In the rearview mirror you see Cole attempt to high five Mark. Instead, he hits him in the face. Mark screams bloody murder.
"OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, dude…," he cries out, "that hurt…you…you broke my face! How will D…D…Dani like me now?"
At this you smile. Mark's face is fine, but he claws at it as if he's been mauled.
"Mr. Collins, who is Dani?" You ask curiously.
The back seat gets quiet. You see the three boys look at each other.
"Dani's my girl…person," he says with a drunken grin.
"But you're not like…exclusive, are you, handsome?" you say suggestively.
Ben scoffs from the backseat. Cole looks outraged. But Mark? Mark gets this soft look on his inebriated face.
"I…a-am…off the…market," he stutters, "We are…ex…ex… you can't have me."
"Dani's the bestest," Ben adds in, "trust me, I kinda know see when…M…Mark and her were…well before they were …"
"Ben Ben Ben," Cole spits out, "do…don't talk about that time you bent Dani ov- "
"WHOA!" Mark interjects holding his hands over his ears. You are intensely grateful for this.
"Guys…guys…" he says. He then looks at you through the rearview mirror. Though his eyes are bleary from the alcohol, you see purpose in them.
"Dani…. Dani's like…my bff…and my gf…she's…like…. she's like my…."
"Sex goddess?" Cole fills in with a hiccup.
"Well…that tooooooo," Mark agrees, "but she's so…. special…and I just love her…so so much…"
You hear a sniffle from the back seat. Ben. With a tear slipping down his face.
"That's…. sooo beautiful man," he murmurs as he wipes his face.
"Yeah…but…but let's not forget that boooodaayyyy," Cole sings drunkenly, "she's so scrumptious- OW"
Mark punches Cole's arm. Hard.
"Don't… you talk about her like that."
You feel Mark's eyes on the back of your head.
"L…listen lady," he says pointedly, "I'm fl…fl…it's cool you think I'm attr…hot, but…I'm a one-woman man."
It takes everything in you to refrain from laughing.
"I understand, sir."
Shortly after you arrive at Ben's apartment complex. He tips you, and crawls up the steps to the front door. After three attempts with his keys he finally gets in. From there it's a short drive to Mark and Cole's place; most of it is spent with the two attempting to sing the theme song from Cheers. It's mostly gibberish. Finally, you reach their complex. You stop the car and turn around in your seat.
"This Dani sounds like a lucky woman," you muse.
"No….wroooonggg…" Mark declares with a forceful head shake, "I'm luck…lucky. She's my world."
He looks at you and then at Cole, who is fumbling with the door. At last Cole gets it open and the two exit with difficulty. You get out to watch them – afraid of them falling down the steps. As they open the door Mark turns and waves.
"Nighty night Uber lady!" he exclaims.
And then he's gone.
You stand out there a few minutes; pull the wig from your head. A huge smile spreads across your face. Laughter and a good joke were your goals for the evening. Instead, even in his drunken state, Mark's left you with that warm, fuzzy feeling of which he is a master.
Eventually you get back to your place and crawl into bed. You find it hard to sleep, though, because his words replay in your head.
The next afternoon, Mark appears at your door. He's in sweats, holding his head, looking a little worse for the wear. You open the door wide and watch him walk past you and plop down on the sofa. He groans when his head hits the pillow.
"Rough night?" you ask him.
His only response is to nod and pat the cushion beside him. You follow his gesture and as soon as you're beside him, his head is on your lap. He places a hand on your knee and lets out a content whimper when you massage his temple.
"I…will never drink again," he mutters.
"Well, that's a lie," you laugh, "what happened?"
"Cole …. seven rounds of red Herring."
"None of you pulled a Jack of Hearts, did you?" you tease.
Mark groans again.
"Dani…I love you," he replies, "but for that I kind of hate you."
You smile down at the precious, hungover, hunk of man.
"Anything else happen?"
Mark opens his eyes and squints against the light, deep in thought.
"Yeah…actually," he muses, "our Uber driver hit on me."
You do your best to sound surprised.
"What?! Was it a dude?!"
"No, a chick…blond….and she asked me if I was available, sorta," he tells you.
"Oh, that's awkward," you respond with a chuckle.
Mark turns over on his back and looks straight up at you. He reaches up and touches your cheek; presses his fingertips to your lips. You kiss them gently.
"It was, but …I told her I have the perfect woman. I don't need anyone or anything else."
The words warm your heart all over again. Mark sits up momentarily to kiss you; then flops right back onto your lap. You spend the afternoon caressing his face and playing with his hair as he slips in and out of slumber. It hits you as you watch him smile in his sleep. Whether Mark is drunk, hungover, or sober… You're certain. You are his world just as much as he is yours. Life will always be amazing with him in it.