Bubba: another one of my silly fics. warning for some minor sexual innuendo.
remember to check me out on AO3 for more stories including my more mature ones.
Stepdad
The Knights of Ren were huddled together around a table, heads dipped low so no one could overhear them. Not that anyone would be able to anyways, they were in an empty room and had locked themselves in. It was a bit concerning to everyone else, but it was nice to have them out of the way. Having six force users running about the ship made the Finalizer crew nervous. They were very nervous with just Kylo Ren, six more (not as powerful) versions of him just added to the terror.
"Okay, so we absolutely cannot ruin the wedding at all, Master Ren will destroy us," one of the knights whispered.
"Ssso will the good General, he promissed to wring our necksss if we damaged hisss sship, he'll torture usss if we ruin the big day."
"Right." Another rolled their eyes under their mask. "Listen... Did we really need a private meeting just to discuss something I thought we all decided on?"
"I t'ought we were goin' ta cause a scene." A fourth admitted. The others all stared at her. "W'at? Isn't t'at w'at we do? Bot'er Master Ren? Isn't t'at t'e w'ole reason fer us existin'?"
"On his wedding day! No!" The first hissed. "And we're more than just a bother! We're the Knights of Ren! And we're going to behave during the wedding. Master Ren deserves to get an unspoiled day of celebration."
"Before he goesss off on that trip with the good General and getsss up to all ssortsss of celebration."
"Gettin' up ta celebrate won't be t'e only t'ing Master Ren will gettin' up!" The fourth snickered. The second smacked her upside the head. The others either laughed or made a noise of disgust.
"You're so immature!"
.-
"Do you think we should worry about your knights getting up to any trouble?" Hux asked, running a hand down his cat's back. Millicent purred loudly, her whole body vibrating.
"Nah, they told me they were having a 'super extra top secret meeting' in the conference room. They're probably trying to be serious but making bad jokes and punching each other."
"If they break my ship-"
"-you'll wring their necks and toss their bodies out of an airlock," Ren finished, "you've said it so many times. They're scared of you."
"Well I'd do it, that's why. I'm not dishing out empty threats."
.-
Rogue, Armory, and Sniper sat in the second row at the wedding, while the remaining three got to stand by Master Ren. They had all wanted to stand there, but Master Ren had said that since Hux only had three groomsmen, he could only pick three of them. Rogue had asked why they were called groomsmen because two of them were females, Phasma and Millicent, and their master just shrugged.
Since they had sworn not to cause any trouble, the three had gotten a pad of flimsi and a pen to communicate with each other during the ceremony. They decided not to use the force to talk, since even though that was harmless, it was better to not use the force at all.
this is so boring oh my maker aaaaaaaaa, Sniper wrote, and passed it to the other two. Armory scribbled down next.
i know right? at least master Ren looks happy and so does Supreme Snoke in his hologram
Rogue thought she might choke reading that. ?
Sniper grabbed the pen. Snoke Supreme? wait kriff what if he reads our minds and sees this? abort abort ABORT
They all gave an uneasy glance to the hologram officiating the wedding. Snoke was busy saying something boring and not paying attention to them, so they felt relieved. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, the flimsi and pen remained on Sniper's lap until it was time for the vows.
Rogue held back a strangled gasp when she suddenly thought of something, and snatched the pen and wrote down, im screaming is the General our new stepdad?
The other two had a similar reaction, but both kept it hidden.
ohhh man it does? master ren IS basically our mom to be honest
im yelling im DEAD mom married a ginger ! does this make Millicent our adopted sister PLEASE i love her even tho she ignores my affections and New Daddy hates it
never call him New Daddy again unless it's to his face oh man!
.-
Sniper looked at the rest of the audience as the vows neared a close and rings were exchanged. It was mostly First Order officers, the bridge command staff (minus Mitaka who was one of the groomsmen), but there was also some Resistance people, the General and the best pilot, and some guy in a blue outfit that Master Ren had said was his uncle Lando but not his real uncle. They were in the row in front of them.
.-
"...I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss." All three of the knights were so glad this was finally over. As Ren and the General leaned closer, the pilot in front of them stood up and pulled out a blaster. Rogue jumped up to grab him but he fired right before she pulled him into a chokehold.
"Ben! Don't do this! Come back to the light!" General Leia cried. The bolt was frozen in air and Ren had pulled the General close to him, shielding him. He stepped out of the way and let the bolt go. It went through the hologram of Snoke instead, who certainly did not look pleased.
Ren was furious. "How dare you try and ruin my wedding?!"
"It was our only chance to bring you home!"
"By trying to murder my new husband?!" His voice rose to a shriek. Hux grabbed his face to soothe him, forcing him to look back at him.
"Thanks for saving me. Now calm down."
"You could have been killed-" Hux kissed him, and everyone, sans Leia, Poe, Rogue, who was currently choking Poe, and Millicent, who had no hands nor real comprehension of what was going on, cheered and clapped.
Leia glared at Lando, who was clapping as heartily as the officers. Lando just shrugged. "What? I'm happy for Rennie. He's found love."
"Rennie?"
"Well it's like Bennie but because he changed his name-"
"I'm too tired to listen."
.-
Everything settled down after Poe's blaster was taken away and he was released from Rogue's near fatal grip. Leia and Lando also handed over their weapons. The ceremony moved on to the after-party, and the Knights were quick to reconvene and share what they'd come up with. They agreed that Sniper would get the privilege of talking at the podium first for the Knights.
Before that, it was the refreshments table and some old Imperial music to chat and listen to for a while. At least, until Ren didn't look like he was going to smash something out of rage. Hux was doing a good job of keeping him away from any breakables, and having a hundred percent of his attention. Phasma had put the cat on Hux's shoulder, so that was another grounding point. Ren looked clearly distraught at the thought that it was partially his fault for his husband's almost-assassination, holding onto him tightly and close. He had been the one who insisted on inviting his uncle, his mother, and allowed her to bring one guest. At least Lando had seemed happy for them, downing a glass of wine and going up to them. He clapped them both on the back.
"Congrats, Rennie! I'm proud of you! I'm sure all, like... six of your dead relatives are proud of you from the afterlife too, even that Vader guy and your dad!"
"Really?"
"Yeah! Just don't kill your lover or run away for fifteen years and only come back like once every five."
"...I never planned to."
"You better not."
"Well, Solo and Skywalker boys sure are a real handful! You've got a rough life ahead of you, Ginger, but at least Skywalker's know passion. Just hope you don't have a kid or else poof! Your husband's gone."
"That's not a good congratulations." Hux deadpanned.
"Oh it was just a warning. Trust me. I knew Han, and Luke told me plenty about his old man. Well congrats and have fun tonight, make sure to leave the cat locked in the refresher!"
"Thanks for the warnings...?"
.-
Hux eventually managed to get Ren to calm down to the point where he allowed him to get dragged away by the rest of the Knights to get snacks together. Various officers finally came up to congratulate him, Phasma coming up and handing him a glass of wine before walking away without a word.
Leia decided to approach him, knowing it would be futile to try and reason with her son. Hux hid his surprise at the fact his new mother-in-law was actually within twenty feet of him. "So, you've married my son. I suppose I'll have to be the overprotective mother for once, so you better not break my son's heart."
"According to your fictive-kin, Ren is more likely to break mine, and I have no such inclinations, so you won't need to worry." She gave him a mildly confused look. "Solo and Skywalker men have trouble sticking around, apparently."
"Ah. So you believe you're in the same position as my biological mother and I."
"Yes, hopefully Ren won't take off or choke me to death."
"...When I get him back to the lightside he'll be leaving you."
"I sincerely doubt it." Hux frowned, "What's with your family being such downers at a wedding? Was it gloom and doom at yours?" He sighed, swirling his wine, "Perhaps I should have listened when Ren said he wanted to get married in private like his grandfather had. It would have been far more romantic than this."
"At least it'll be a story to tell to your descendants." Leia assured. Then regretted what she said. She'd just implied that her son and this monster-
"Oh? You want grandchildren already? I'm afraid we're in a war. When the First Order wins I promise we'll have a few black haired toddlers to visit your cell and show you whatever they've learned from Ren."
"Learned what from me?" Ren was back, holding a glass of water in his hand. He was chewing something, and Hux cursed his lack of manners. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, yes. Your mother was just expressing her desires for a few grandkids out of us and I mentioned they would learn about the dark side from you." Ren almost choked. "After the war is over, of course. Two or three little ones would be nice."
"...I don't know."
"We can talk about it then."
.-
When it was finally time, the Knights literally shoved Sniper up to talk. He stumbled and gripped the podium to steady himself. Looking out at the group of officers, he suddenly felt nervous. What if the General got mad at him? He'd be slaughtered in front of a bunch of employees.
He just went for it. "So I don't have a heart-warming speech like the Captain did-" Phasma had admitted to starting the betting pool a few years ago and how rich she became because of it, and that was the only reason why she was happy for them. "-BUT I'm speaking for all my fellow Knights, except Master Ren, when I say, kriffing get it, Master. You've got a quality piece of love-meat right there."
Armory screamed at him to stop through the force but he kept going.
"Uhh, shut up with the force guys I'm talking! Anyways we just wanted to say we're proud of you two! We've been there from the start, ever since Master Ren whined to us about how he was pining after this General, ginger guy. Then we pried through the General's brain and it turned out he thought Master Ren was pretty hot in a 'dark, broody, and mysterious' kind of way so we got Master Ren to work up the nerve to do something intimate like hand holding with him while the Captain got the General to also do the same only like... actually intimate, and it all came out pretty good in the end which is why we're all here!"
This time Rogue yelled at him that he was forgetting his one job.
"Oh! And since, I guess, we all figured Master Ren is like... an adoptive mom to us? He's basically our mom." The other Knights nodded. "During the ceremony, Rogue realized that because Master Ren is practically our mother, that the General, because he married him, is like our stepdad! Welcome to the family! We all love our new daddy!" Sniper gave a thumbs up in the direction of Hux and Ren before going back to the rest of the Knights.
Everyone was silent. No one had dared to comment or laugh at any of what the Knight had said. Ren sat in shocked silence and humiliation, mouth open. Hux felt like he was going to die on the inside, but his face didn't show it too much. Millicent tried to get a sip from the fresh wine glass he was holding, curious of the taste.
Sniper smiled under his mask. "I think that went pretty great!"
"We shouldn't have been invited."
"Aw."