What the Chuck?
Summary: With Albel and Sophia waging a full out prank war on each other and Fayt an emotional wreck, Cliff is left with one choice to keep the peace: Chuck Norris. Conclusion to both Tricks are for Kids and Honey Bunny.
Disclaimer: This authoress does not own Star Ocean Till the End of Time or any of the respective characters.
Warnings: Language and major OOC-ness.
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"WEDGIE!"
An ear-splitting male scream shattered the silence of the ship, followed by a thunderous crash and the sound of running footsteps.
"Damn maggot, what the hell did you do to me? When I get my hands on you, it will be ten times worse than what you call a…a wedgie! And I'll use my claw!"
There was an audible female squeak and the footsteps immediately sped up.
Peppita peeked out of her door and watched in amazement as Sophia sped past her room, followed by Albel, who was hobbling awkwardly with one hand pressed to his backside. The young performer giggled as she noticed the fiery red material of what she suspected was a thong sticking above the top of his sarong.
"Someone got a wedgie!" she sang gleefully and then darted back into the safety of her room as she heard the answering roar of fury. It was fortunate for her that Albel was in no state to pursue her.
He soon shuffled off in search of one of those useful healing pods that would help him with his 'health problem', all the while muttering about the rotten maggots he was trapped with and being coerced into a relationship with the earthling wench. Had he known how troublesome the blasted girl could be, he would never have thought up that ridiculous muffin scam! And to think, he had actually wanted to kiss her! (Truth be told they had done a lot more than just kissing over the past few weeks, but never mind) And then there was still the bunny slipper incident, which he had forbidden anyone to ever speak of again under penalty of disembowelment.
What the hell had he been thinking?
Actually, he reminded himself by glaring down the front of his sarong; he had been the one doing the thinking.
Damn hormones. One would swear he was still stuck in puberty.
"Try and catch me, honey bunny!"
Sophia appeared in front of him, dancing on her tiptoes with a smug grin on her face. A snarl twisted his lips and he limped towards her, one hand outstretched to grab her. Nimbly, she jumped out of his reach and stuck out her tongue as she pranced into the next room.
"As soon as I find some ointment, I am coming to hunt you down!"
"Aw, did I hurt your feelings? Or was it more than that?" she asked, a smirk playing about her lips. "I'm sorry, honey bunny."
"I'll bet," he muttered darkly.
"No, Albel, I really am."
"…"
"Okay then, to show you that I am honestly and truly sorry, you can have… a cookie."
A cookie?
"Wench, do you think I'm an idiot? Don't attempt to bluff me, you do not have a cookie!" he snapped, glaring at her malevolently.
Like magic, a cookie appeared in her hand and immediately his gaze was fixed on it. "It's a… it's a…" he stuttered, barely able to speak because of the glorious aroma taunting his nostrils.
Teasingly, she waved it back and forth in front of his face, watching how his eyes followed its every move.
Damn. His one weakness, she had found his one weakness! How had she found out? He was willing to bet all the Fol on this miserable planet that Cliff had snitched. One of these days, he promised himself, he was going to get a hold of that muscle head maggot… with hot sauce, his claw and a couple of bags of that dreadful itching powder. And he was gonna stick it all where the sun don't ever shine. Yep, Cliff was going to learn a valuable lesson about what it meant to tangle with Albel the Wicked.
"Is…is that a… chocolate chip cookie?" his eyes glazed over as a thin line of saliva began to drip down the corner of his mouth.
"What else does it look like? And since you don't seem to want it, I might as well eat it…" she raised the cookie to her lips and opened her mouth, preparing to take a bite of the delicious biscuit.
"It's my cookie!"
Sophia shrieked as Albel dove on top of her, frantically trying to wrestle the precious cookie out of her sweaty paws. "Give me back my cookie!" he screamed furiously, jabbing her violently with his clawed hand.
"Owchie!" she squealed, clasping her hand to her side as Albel grabbed his prize, stuffing the large cookie into his mouth with a loud, contented sigh. Sophia glared at him while he sat chewing with a wide smile on his face. "Albel, you idiot, that hurt!"
"How do you think the wedgie felt like then, a light tickle?"
"I can't believe you! You're so…so… so stupid!"
"Hah!" a jeering bark of laughter escaped his throat and he smirked at her. "Was that the best you could come up with? My god, how pathetic! Surely you can do better than that, maggot."
She swelled visibly with fury and as he turned to shuffle away she let him have it. "You are so stupid, Albel, you got third degree burns from a candle!"
He froze. "Are you challenging me?"
"You can bet your scrawny ass I am!"
Albel gave her a nasty grin. "You are going to wish you had never tangled with me, worm! I am the king of verbal battles!"
"Fine then, yourMajesty, hit me with your best!"
"You are so stupid, maggot, that you tripped and drowned in a shallow puddle!"
She gasped. "Ooh, that was low! You are so stupid, you got suffocated by a plastic packet floating in front of your face!"
He grinned. "Good, but not good enough. You are so stupid, Sophia, that you got a paper cut from a tissue!"
Sophia frowned. Damn, he was really good. "You are so stupid, Albel, that you… that you…"
The longer she stammered, the wider his grin grew. Finally, he could stand it no longer. "Hah! You can't come up with a come back! I win! Mwahahahaha!" he cackled with evil glee.
"Dammit!" she stomped her foot in frustration and glared at the smug Albel. He gave a broad grin and smacked his lips in a kiss.
"How does it feel to be the loser, maggot?"
She pouted, tossing her head as she folded her arms across her chest. "This may surprise you, Albel, but I am not the loser here."
"Mwahahahaha- what? What nonsense are you talking, worm?" he said indignantly. "I won!"
But as he spoke, there was an ominous rumble. "What the hell did you do?" he demanded, looking around wildly to pinpoint the sound of the rumbling.
She gave him an evil grin, baring her small pointed teeth before she slid a tiny bottle from her pocket and held it up for him to see. Albel gasped in horror, clutching his stomach as another rumble shook the room.
Laxatives. The wench had spiked his cookie with laxatives.
"Oh noooo…" he moaned as his stomach gave a nasty sounding gurgle. "I… I have to… now…"
The smell that wafted from his bowels was beyond description (it put sulphur to shame): to put it mildly, it smelt like the repulsive lump had after Fayt had discovered it lying behind the fridge. Roger's excuse was that it was put there to scare the rats out so that he could chase them as target practice with his axe. It had lain there slowly but surely, decaying for six months. After pointing out that there were no rats on a spaceship, a terribly ill Fayt had gone berserk after an annoyed Roger proceeded to throw the rotten lump at his head and it burst all over the blue locks. The bluenette had washed his hair a record breaking thirty six times and was still in recovery.
Of course then, since Murphy's Law should always be obeyed (especially in fanfiction), the sensitive bluenette walked into the passage and straight into the greenish cloud hanging around Albel and Sophia.
He paused, his green eyes narrowing warily. "Hey, are you two fighting again? Cause Cliff said you weren't allowed to…what is that stench?"
Uh oh.
The delicate nostrils flared and he took a deep suspicious sniff before he gave a strangled, choking shriek and promptly keeled over.
"Oh my, Albel… it really is bad." Sophia tried in vain to block out the intense smell forcing its way up her nose but she wasn't doing a very good job of it and she felt faint.
"Whose fault is that?" he groaned as his belly rumbled again.
"I didn't know the stuff was that potent… I thought that it would take at least an hour to kick in! Then again, I did use the entire bottle in the batch of cookies I baked this morning…"
"The entirebottle? Are you trying to kill me, wench?" he gasped, doubling over as his belly clenched and he swore. "Shit!"
"Exactly!"
"What, here?"
"No, in the toilet, silly rabbit!"
"Oh god…" Albel ran down the passage as fast as he could, shoving Cliff out of his way.
"Hey, watch where you're going, pal!" he yelled after the retreating swordsman.
"Go screw yourself, Fittir!"
The blonde looked puzzled and scratched his head, turning to Sophia. "What's up with him?"
She shifted from side to side, looking guilty as hell. "Oh, Albel's always like that… its absolutely normal behaviour for him."
"No, normal for Albel is trying to shove his claw up my ass." Realising how that sounded, Cliff quickly added, "But in a bad way!"
"…"
"Argh, you know what I mean. He normally wants to pound the living daylights out of me for just being alive and breathing, I mean last time he…" Cliff faltered as his nostrils finally began functioning. "… Oh my… what is that smell? What the hell have you two been up to?"
Sophia was quiet, trying to sidle closer to the door so she could make her escape before he noticed the comatose Fayt and cottoned on to the truth. "Um…it was a science experiment. Yeah, with sulphur, lots and lots of it!"
"Uhhhhh… my head… my nose… it burns!"
"Fayt!" Cliff ran over to the fallen bluenette and he raised his head weakly, green eyes blinking against the light.
"C-Cliff? W-What happened? The last thing I remember was talking to Albel and Sophia… and then this horrible stench…"
"Albel and Sophia did this?"
The Klausian looked up furiously only to stare at a blank space. "SOPHIA!"
"Eep!"
But everyone failed to notice the two pairs of bright eyes peeking from behind a wall, watching the chaos unfold with knowing grins…
To be continued…