Hey everybody, ktd123 here, and you have just stumbled upon a fanfic that is very, very strange to be seeing from me. Why is it so strange? Simple. Because it stars Courtney as the main character.
I have implied that I hate Courtney in several of my one shots, including the actual Duncan/Courtney one. Why? Because unlike most other people, I really, really, really, cannot stand Courtney.
That, however, is how I came up with this lovely idea at two thirty in the morning during a bout of insomnia. In my sleep deprived state, I had come up with the oh-so-great idea to write a one shot drabble (at least I'm pretty sure it's a one shot) from the point of view of my least favorite character. Why? It'd be hard and I'd most likely fall asleep doing it. And just to make it harder, it would be her point of view on one of my least favorite Total Drama couples Duncan and Courtney. Oh joy.
Luckily, I warped my own idea and made it her from an angry point of view. Yay! I found a loophole!
This takes place after The Aftermath 1, so there's no spoilers for us Americans who are a couple episodes behind.
Oh yeah, before I get sued…
DISCLAIMER: What? I own Total Drama Island? Are you serious?! No? Well… okay. I thought it was too good to be true, anyway.
Hi, I'm Courtney Jameson and I currently hate men.
Why do I hate men, do you ask? Because they're a pigs and ogres. Men are sick, disgusting creatures who all they do is call you "sweetheart" and "darling" and then claim you've been cuddling with them. Men are utterly repulsive beings who will fool you into thinking you have something with them and then go and cheat on you with some creepy Goth girl behind your back, only to deny it and say "oh, we're just friends." Oh yeah. Sure you're friends.
Okay, so maybe when I describe men like that there's only one person on the earth who fits into the "men" category... but I can't deny that I hate every single last male being on this infernal show! Even the nice ones all turn out to have a dark side.
Justin, the silent hunk of gorgeous who would just stand around and do nothing all last season? Yeah, well he's suddenly grown a brain and the ability to talk and is now the male equivalent of Heather.
Geoff, the likeable party animal who hooked up with one of the nicest girls on the island? Well, ever since he and Bridgette became the hosts of Total Drama Action Aftermath he's sure been acting like a jerk. All that fames been rushing to his head. And he was on Team Gwen, which totally puts him on my hate list.
Owen, the overweight fun lover who always had gas in his system and a smile on his face? Well, I guess I could have stopped at "always had gas in his system", but I feel the need to make a point. I am going to be giving thorough political speeches someday, after all. But Owen? He gave up his winning from last season only to lead up to Chris starting up a second season of the show! Total Drama Action even existing is all his fault. TDA existing is a crime all on its own… especially the fact that they didn't give me a chance at the money.
The most horrible, most disgusting, most irrevocably putrid man in the Total Drama series, however, is not any of these men. No, the foul creature is not Chris Mclean. The one person who truly fuels my hate for men, the one man who specifically defines the "men" category, is none other than the green fauxhawk sporting, unibrow owning, pierced man known as Duncan Leone.
Duncan is the worst man alive. You are so lucky if you have never met him! Ever since the first day on the island I never liked him! It was because of him that I was almost voted off on the first day!
I will never forget when he jerked that nasty thumb at me and stated that he believed that I should be voted out. Me! Did he not know that I'm a C.I.T?! I have more camp experience than all of them combined! I'm a natural born leader! I am not the kind of person to go home first! I deserved the money!
After that first day, it just got worse. I mean, first he accused me of cuddling with him when we were stranded in the woods for a night. I was not cuddling with him! This alleged "cuddling" happened in my sleep, which means it counts for nothing at all. For all he knows, maybe I was dreaming of cuddling up to somebody good looking, like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp or that Chase Crawford guy! Never in a million years would I want to curl up on that long, toned torso of his and put my head on his chest with nothing but shirt separating us… never!
And then there was that stupid Phobia Factor challenge where Duncan had to face something as stupid as a Celine Dion standee! Why did I suddenly act so empathetic and kind and supporting of him? So we could win the challenge. See, all men are fueled by their one need to have a girl make physical contact with him. By holding his hand and verbally encouraging him, he found the motivation to hug the dreaded piece of cardboard. I hugged him only as a reward, not for some hidden feeling for him that just acted up when I didn't want them to. Why would you ever think that?
What about the Paintball Deer Hunt where he obviously deliberately locked antlers with me just so he could slip in some perverted comments and sexual remarks about wanting to make out and how he could stay there all day? Does that not show you how he is the worst man alive and/or dead?
There were better times when I had warmed up to him. Maybe I had even liked him for a short time. I mean, he showed that he actually had a heart at one point and not just a black hole of nothingness in the center of his chest when returned Bunny to DJ. I mean, that was an unselfish gesture that he'd made for somebody! I was impressed! So when he was forced to solitary confinement in the boathouse, I decided to help him out a bit and bring him the gruel that Chef Hatchet was feeding us. It was like a reward for being nice to DJ. Even I was convinced that was it… unfortunately, it became something more.
Duncan had pointed out to me that I always follow the rules. Yes, I do always follow the rules. Yes, I do always have to show people the correct way to do things. Yes, I don't want to suffer a punishment for breaking a rule. Yes, I have been told I act like I have a stick up my nether regions, why do you ask? It was when Duncan pointed it out, though, that I had realized how much I really didn't like following the rules all the time. He then offered that we go steal something. Normally I would say no, but at that time I was so taken over by the butterflies in my stomach and my realization that I don't have to be good on this island, I said yes.
Though I never admitted it to anybody, the day I was voted off of Total Drama Island was the best day of my entire life.
He made me feel so good when we stole that food. He made my heart beat at a million beats a second and made it feel like there was a swarm of angry bees tickling the inside of my stomach. He made me realize that it wasn't all that bad to have fun.
For the remainder of the challenge, I had fun. I had no care in the world. I could laugh at what I thought was funny, I could break a rule if I really wanted to, heck, right then and there I would've been more than willing to throw my shoes off and just run and jump into the lake in my clothes if it meant Duncan would do it with me. He'd made this strange feeling erupt inside of me. He made me realize how good it felt to be bad.
Soon I realized that I really did like him. It was our differences that made us so similar. I mean, though we both had different methods of achieving our goal, in the end we both were just two money hungry teens who would do anything to win. Though Duncan was much more casual about it, I knew he would've stolen that money the first day he was on the island if he wasn't such a good guy inside.
I had decided that while he awakened the wild child inside me, I had created some sort of a good soul inside of him. We balanced each other out. Opposites really do attract.
I had reasoned it out. I liked Duncan. It was that night that I had my first kiss, and it was from a delinquent who'd been living in Juvenile Hall… yet I couldn't think of anybody else I'd rather have kissed.
It's true, before then I'd never kissed anybody. Before then, I had been a politically active, teacher's pet who had no interest in boys, especially boys like him. I had two boyfriends before Duncan: one a good guy named Sam who was very sweet but too shy and got very awkward when he talked to me, and the other a boy named Andrew who I only dated because he was class president. Needless to say, I didn't kiss either of them. I had given my one and only first kiss to a pierced punk with a green fauxhawk and a unibrow and I was happy about it!
Little did I know, it was that night I would be voted off. Oh, I'm still trying to kill Harold for that. And yes, he did deserve every single bruise and scratch he got from that lamp post. And even though I was voted off, I still had a bit of hope for the campers left in the competition… because I knew Duncan hadn't been voted off yet.
I supported Duncan fully and completely. I knew he would win. There was nobody else with that handsome, appealing cunningness that he has. He was just destined to win. He had to win because I said so.
In the end, he didn't win. The money went to Owen, that big, sixteen year old gaseous ball of party that we'd all come to know and love. And he gave up the money at his first opportunity.
All that was running through mine and everybody else's mind at that moment, was "What… the… hell?!"
I knew nobody on that island would've given up that money. I personally would have ran away with it as soon as I got my hands on it to make sure Chris wasn't going to throw some sort of challenge in my way. I guess we were fortunate Owen won, though. It gave us all a second chance.
I was furious when I was wrongly not allowed to compete in Total Drama Action. I was absolutely, positively infuriated. How can they not pick me? I deserve that money! I was a C.I.T!
And so, I watched from behind the scenes while constantly on the phone with my lawyer, Michael. While pushing to be on the show, I had to watch every moment of footage with all of the losers who didn't make it onto the next season. I am not a loser! I would not be left behind with Noah and Ezekiel! I will get my lawsuit!
But anyway, they had us watch every single episode of Total Drama Action behind the scenes. I had to watch as Gwen seduced my boyfriend into working with her, despite the fact that she had her own slightly insane boyfriend. I had to watch as she conned and tricked and persuaded him into being her best friend. Oh yes, I could see her looking at his butt when he turned away from her! I know she did!
You're probably like, "what's she talking about?", right? Well, when you have a boyfriend, you happen to notice what every single female does when she's in their general area. And Gwen? Gwen is totally obsessed with Duncan. She probably dreams of him. She probably wants to just tackle him and kiss him or whatever Goth girls do to the boys they lust over. And you know what? He didn't even seem to care!
So, it's official. Duncan Leone is the worst man in existence. He's disgusting, putrid, horrible, and overall rude. Under the definition of "pig" in the dictionary, it should say "See Duncan Leone".
So, my name is Courtney Jameson and I currently hate men, no matter how much I love one in particular.
So, there you have it. This turned out a lot longer than I'd originally expected, and though I don't exactly love it, I actually thought it was pretty good.
This will remain as a one shot unless a lot of people request that I continue it, because I'll do anything for fans! (I know, I'm a suck up.)
This could almost be considered a companion piece to "My Added Bonus", another one shot of mine that is very, very similar to this but with a different narrator. Can you guess who?
Questions? Concerns? Comments? Did you hate it? Did you love it? Submit it in a review!