Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood. Breaks my heart to say that, but it's true.
A/N: Uh, Just an idea I had. If you want any of these expanded I might be able to do that. No promises though.
1. No messing with the Rift
2. No, seriously, no messing with the Rift
3. Alien technology does not leave the HUB
4. Do not mess with time
5. No retcon abuse
6. No instant coffee
7. Not allowed to swan off with a Time Lord without telling anyone
8. Not allowed to swan off with a Time Lord even if a note is left
9. No camping
10. Not allowed to play Risk with the visiting alien
11. Not allowed to use Eddie Izzard quotes as excuses
12. Not allowed to use Eddie Izzard quotes as excuses, even if you were dead at the time
13. Not allowed to take the SUV out for a romp in the mud
14. No conversations in Welsh
15. No conversations in Japanese
16. Cannot claim 'Aliens made me do it'
17. Cannot provoke Myfanway
18. Do not let Captain John Hart kiss you
19. Cannot copy CCTV footage of team members having sex and put it on YouTube
20. Cannot copy CCTV footage of team members having sex and put it on a DVD
21. Cannot copy CCTV footage of team members having sex
22. No dance-offs
23. Do not challenge team members to an IQ test because you think they cheated the first time
24. Do not challenge team members to an IQ test
25. Do not order pizza under the name 'Torchwood'
26. No team outings to the Himalayas
27. Cannot play 'Truth or Dare'
28. No playing 'Who is Your Last Snog'
29. Not allowed to play 'Monopoly'
30. Not allowed to come into work during the Rugby finals
31. Cannot blame events on the Illinois Nazis
32. No turning off your phone
33. No selling alien artifacts on eBay
34. Cannot use the Torchwood expense account on new shoes
35. Cannot claim that you 'ain't bovered'
36. Ianto's real name is not Jeeves
37. No sniffing the Sub-etheric Resonator
38. Cannot take the day off 'because it's too rainy'
39. Only Ianto can touch the coffee-maker
40. No food fights
41. Cannot claim that people you don't like are aliens and are trying to take over the world
42. If a team member falls asleep you are not allowed to draw on them with permanent markers
43. Cannot duct tape anything to the SUV
44. No feeding Myfanway your veggies
45. On a bad day, you cannot kill Jack to vent your anger
46. Cannot sic Myfanway on people
47. No fake working
48. If Jack comes up to you and introduces himself as someone who does not know you do not engage him in conversation
49. If Jack comes up to you and introduces himself as someone who does not know you do not engage him in sex
50. If Jack comes up to you and introduces himself as someone who does not know you do not engage him in conversational sex
51. You are not Indiana Jones
52. You are not Indiana Jones even if you share his initials
53. No sex on the couch
54. No sex on other's desks
55. No sex in the pool of water
56. Do not stun-gun people on their heads
57. No sex in the armory
58. No sex in the hothouse
59. No sex in the tourist office
60. No sex in the middle of the HUB
61. At least one Torchwood Officer must be sober
62. At least one Torchwood Officer must be available for call
63. Cannot do drugs
64. Cannot sell drugs illegally
65. Cannot watch tragic movies during Movie Night
66. No sex in Myfanway's nest
67. You are not James Bond
68. No poisoning team mates
69. No murdering team mates
70. Office romance is frowned upon (circa 1952)
71. Cannot make team mates in the Sims to only kill them off
72. No mind reading
73. No world domination
74. No plotting of world domination
75. You are not Batman
76. Do not make the Queen angry
77. No bringing back the dead
78. No end of the world orgies without Jack
79. No end of the world orgies
80. The force is not with you
81. Once again, No Messing With The Rift