Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at /works/16374005.
Rating: Mature Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings Category: M/M Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series) Relationship: Anxiety/Logic, Platonic Logic/Sleep Character: Thomas Sanders - Mentioned, Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Roman Sanders - Mentioned, Patton Sanders - Mentioned, Remy Sanders, Dee Sanders - Mentioned (Deceit), Talyn, Joan Stokes Additional Tags: Human AU, Homophobia, Child Abuse, Dialogue Light, Loss, Grief/Mourning, Suicide, School Dances, Prom, Homecoming Dance, School Shootings, Bruises, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Cross-Posted on Tumblr Stats: Published: 2018-10-24 Chapters: 2/3 Words: 2469 That's What People Doby BlackWolfFire
Summary
"Any truth is better than infinite doubt," Virgil commented suddenly, pulling Logan's attention away from the stars. Logan raised his eyebrow. "Sherlock Holmes," he observed, gesturing for the younger boy to continue. "But doubting is something humans do best. Because everyone always gets betrayed in the end." Virgil paused. "That's what people do, don't they?" he demanded. "They fuck you over until you can't see straight. And you can't do anything about it until it's too late," Virgil hissed, fists clenching. Logan frowned at him. "That is not always the case, though I do admit that some people in this society are corrupt beyond saving," he agreed reluctantly. "But there is good in this world. I have seen it." Virgil snorted. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. The world is a sucky place to be sometimes. You know what I'm hangin' on for?" Logan shook his head. "What?" "The parts that don't suck. They keep me going. You keep me going."Notes
Anything surrounded by a double line break is a memory. CONVERSATIONAL TEXT FONT-Bold - Logan
Italics - Virgil
Strikethrough - Remy
Talyn's - indicated by greater/lesser symbols. That being said, read, review, and I hope you enjoy.
Toodles!
~Willow
See the end of the work for more notes
Chapter 1
It starts with an accidental brushing of hands in a crowded hallway. Blue and brown eyes meet across the classroom in a gaze that is held a bit too long. A starlit night spent together on the roof of Logan Cast's house, watching the stars reflected in each other's eyes. A walk in the park at midnight with nothing but Virgil Sanders' old shitty samsung as a flashlight. A small half smile here, a flirtatious comment there.
A million little things that lead up to one single moment, and later, Logan wouldn't be able to fucking believe how fucking blind he had been to everything back then.
He doesn't really expect anything out of the relationship. He never does, even years later, especially considering he and his partner held little to no interest in the act of sex, and respected the other for their wishes
Not that he's asexual or whatever, he just doesn't want to rush anything. It feels better, somehow, knowing there's no pressure to do anything more intimate than cuddle and watch a movie. They both make it work.
Virgil, ever since he had met the boy in kindergarten, has been shy. Virgil's quiet matches Logan's own, something he is grateful for. Neither of them feel the need to fill silence. If a lapse in conversation occured, both were content to sit in dead silence and simply continue whatever they had been doing.
Their bond grows stronger through elementary and middle school. When they get to high school, Logan nervously asks Virgil if they can go to their freshman Homecoming together...platonically, of course, Logan is hasty to add when he sees the flash of panic on Virgil's face.
That night is the first night they ever kiss. The DJ cranks the bass up approximately half an hour after they arrive, and, overwhelmed, the boys retreat outside for a brief reprieve.
Virgil, sitting on the cool brick ground of the high school's entrance walkway, eventually allows himself to relax on Logan's shoulder. Slowly, ever so slowly, Virgil stumbles through the words he has prepared. Telling Logan that he likes him. In a more-that-friends sort of way. Logan is blushing furiously the entire time.
Then, in a show of courage Logan doesn't even know the boy possessed, Virgil leans in, pressing a firm kiss to Logan's lips, and flees the school grounds as swiftly as his legs can carry him, leaving a startled Logan sitting on the ground, hand pressed to his lips, still reeling at the ghost of Virgil's lips on his.
They don't talk for a few days after that, neither exactly sure of what to say to the other. When they finally begin speaking to one another again, it's an unspoken rule that they don't bring it up. Until they do.
Shame they forgot Virgil's father is present. The bruises don't go away for almost two weeks, and the entire time, Virgil pleads brokenly with Logan for the older boy to keep it close, like a sort of horrid, dirty secret.
He never does tell anyone, not even in the end, when it truly matters, even though he knows full well he should. It feels like breaking a promise to even attempt bringing up the subject. His silence in the final days of Virgil's life is a mistake he regrets for the remainder of his life.
Logan finally initiates a kiss, a full year into their relationship, much to Virgil's delight, while they are in the stands on the football field after school one day.
Any truth is better than infinite doubt, Virgil commented suddenly, pulling Logan's attention away from the stars.
Logan raised his eyebrow. Sherlock Holmes, he observed, gesturing for the younger boy to continue.
But doubting is something humans do best. Because everyone always gets betrayed in the end. Virgil paused. That's what people do, don't they? he demanded. They fuck you over until you can't see straight. And you can't do anything about it until it's too late, Virgil hissed, fists clenching.
Logan frowned at him. That is not always the case, though I do admit that some people in this society are corrupt beyond saving, he agreed reluctantly. But there is good in this world. I have seen it.
Virgil snorted. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. The world is a sucky place to be sometimes. You know what I'm hangin' on for?
Logan shook his head. What?
The parts that don't suck. They keep me going. You keep me going.
Two days after the kiss under the bleachers, Virgil is gone.
It's odd, how quickly everything changes after Virgil's death. Logan, who had been gradually letting down his walls, slams them back up so hard that the change is instantaneous.
Patton, Virgil's older brother (two and a half years older than Virgil and Logan and on track to graduate with honors with his fellow seniors) is the one to tell him, after the bell rang on Friday and Logan is preparing to run over to Virgil's and finish their science project.
He has never spoken a single word to either Thomas or Patton Foster in his entire life, and it's somehow almost funny to him that the first conversation they ever properly hold is about the suicide of someone they both love.
When Thomas, Virgil's oldest brother, shows up, Logan breaks down at the look on Thomas' face, a look of loss so deep that Logan knows Virgil is truly gone. But only for a moment, and if they hadn't been looking for it, they would have missed the infinitesimal moment of pain and raw grief that flickers across Logan's face.
Everything is wiped blank in the span of a heartbeat. Like a whiteboard that had been cleaned off at the end of the day after a long lesson. Emotionless and numb, Logan looks Thomas right in the eyes and ever so slightly, gives Thomas a half smile that will haunt the older boy for years.
Logan never does allow himself to properly grieve for Virgil.
Three Years Later
When Logan meets Remy Wake his senior year, he almost bolts for the door when he finally forces himself to look at the boy. A mutual friend had decided to introduce the pair. Remy wis nice, it seemed, and has a caffeine addiction just as Logan did.
But...
He looks exactly like Virgil.
Two weeks after the failed introduction to Remy, Logan tries again. He really does. He gets to know the boy better, gains knowlege about his interests, finds out what clubs he's in. Turns out, Remy actually prefers the pronouns "they/them," something Logan immediately puts into practice, much to Remy's delight.
The more he allows himself to become friends with Remy, the more he allows himself to look. And really, now that he truly studies Remy, they're nothing like Virgil at all.
They have the same blue eyes, the same half smile.
But while Virgil had always been quiet, reserved, cautious, Remy is outgoing and unafraid to speak their mind. Virgil had avoided most of the other people in the school, including teachers, but Remy is friends with almost every kid between grade seven and twelve, not to mention over half the teachers in the district.
He skips class to smoke behind the school with Remy, a few weeks after they meet for the second time.
Remy asks him to prom the next day. Platonically.
The dance is...tolerable, he supposes. Not anything like his first dance with Virgil, but nice enough.
Then again, nothing could compare to the feeling or Virgil's arms around his waist, guiding Logan along the dance floor, giggling when Logan stumbles or misses a step.
When Remy is shot and killed in a school shooting a month after, Logan wonders how many times it's physically possibly to get your heart broken without dying.
It doesn't look very promising.
He didn't have near the same bond with Remy as he did Virgil, and nothing between him and Remy was romantic, but the death hits him hard.
Thomas, Patton and their friend Dee from Virgil's old mechanics class often make half hearted attempts to coax Logan back out of his shell whenever they see him after school, to get him to interact with someone, even if it is just to merely acknowledge Patton's customary greetings to all of them with something other than a sideways glance.
But he does manage to stay alive, no matter how badly he longs for death to take him. Because if there is anything his time with Virgil had taught him, it's to keep on going.
It's just getting So. God. Damn. Hard. How can he keep going when everyone he loves leaves him? His mother, Diana, had died in childbirth; a drunk driver had struck and killed his father, Roman, when he was seven; Virgil committed suicide their sophomore year; Remy was killed three weeks after their senior prom.
Hell, even his own sister had dropped off the grid, he has no idea if Bethany was still alive. He really misses her and her neverending wit now. If they ever met, Pat and Beth would get along like two peas in a pod.
It isn't everyday you meet a ghost. And yet here Logan stands, staring into the fogged up glass of his bathroom mirror, squinting in an attempt to make out the figure that is standing inconspicuously at his left shoulder.
He's turned around already several times, but there's...nothing. Not even a shimmer in the air to give away that there's any sort of supernatural being occupying the space of that particular area.
Sighing, Logan turns away, flicking off the light and moving to exit the room, but freezes when he notices the slight glow...right at his shoulder level where the ghost in the mirror had been.
He calls out to the floating entity, first Virgil's name, then Remy's, soft and fearful. He doesn't know who it is, and moves forward like he expects it to hurt him.
No response.
Almost a week goes by before Logan sees the ghost again, and this time, it looks like they brought a friend.
He calls out to them again, louder this time, but they vanish in the glow of the florescent lights. Flicking the switch off, Logan is plunged into darkness. Shuddering in the sudden cold, Logan fixes his gaze on the ghosts.
No. Not ghosts.
Remy and Virgil.
He gets a job, moves on with his life, goes to college, becomes a teacher and throws his heart and soul into his job at his old high school.
He doesn't see the ghosts again for a very long time.
Six Years Later
He's going crazy. It's the only explanation he can think of. Here he is, gazing into the bathroom mirror, eyes fixed on two very familiar figures looking back at him. Neither Virgil or Remy have changed a bit since the last time he saw either alive.
Six years, he states calmly, barely aware of the words coming out of his mouth. It's been over six years since the last time I saw you. Why now? I'm happy, I've moved on. Why can't you both just leave mE ALONE!?
There's a sharp rap at the door, and seconds later, Talyn's concerned voice is audible through the wood. You okay in there, Logan?
Logan hesitates for a split second. Talyn...he can trust them, right? He can tell them about Virge and Rem, right? He insists he's fine when Talyn repeats their inquiry, running his hands through his already messy hair and unlocking the bathroom door.
Talyn raises an eyebrow at him, brushing back their rainbow colored hair. It's painfully obvious they don't believe him.
They hold his gaze for a moment longer before Talyn finally accepts his answer, breaking eye contact and walking away.
Logan sighs heavily and turns back to the mirror, but Virgil and Remy have already vanished again.
Virgil giggled as Logan grimaced at his reflection. Virgil...I look ridiculous. he insisted, pulling at the the black tie and attempting to tighten it, lightly tugging at the sleeves of his dark blue dress shirt. The light blue logo on the right shoulder matched Virgil's eyes.
Virgil's gentle fingers stopped his jerky movements, smoothing the tie and pushing his fidgeting hands back down to his sides. Lo, you look fine. Relax. I love you. He pecked Logan on the cheek, smiling at their reflections. I promise everything will be fine. Okay? They're going to love you. Now go get that job.
Logan exhales heavily as he breaks free from the flashback, blinking back tears at the memory of Virgil's smiling face and gentle laugh. The ingrained remembrance of his touch breaks Logan's defenses down, leaving him a sobbing mess on the floor.
Stars, he misses Virgil and Remy. So fucking much. God dammit.
He's starting to realize something. The reflection he sees in the mirror is an illusion his mind has created to help him cope. They were never real. They will never be real. Accepting that sends a physical twinge of pain through his chest.
They finally speak. The words are distant and they echo a bit in Logan's ears, but it is without a doubt Virgil Sanders and Remy Wake. Their voices overlap, eerily similar.
You need to let go.
And finally, he does.
He doesn't see Virgil or Remy in the mirror anymore. He doesn't need to. He recognizes that they were something his mind conjured up in a time of need.
He'll miss them, though.
Logan passes away at age seventy four, and he can't believe his fucking eyes when he looks around. He can see his body, crumpled and motionless on the floor, which is somehow slightly unsettling.
He's actually more distracted by the fact that he looks fifteen. Oh, and Virgil is there. And Remy. They both watch him silently, smiling rather sadly as he rediscovershimself.
Virgil is the first to break the silence. "Hey, Lo."
Logan looks up abruptly. "Yes?"
Virgil's eyes full with tears. "I missed you. So fucking much," he whispers, walking forward and pulling Logan into his arms.
And for the first time in almost sixty years, Logan feels like he's finally home.
UPDATE 10/24/18Chapter Summary
Update, not an actual chapter.Update! There will be one final chapter to this little...whatever it is. Not a continuation, just a rewrite. It will be longer. And angstier. I apologize in advance. Thank you everyone for reading! I love every single one of you! 3
While we're at it!
Thank you to the following for commenting! (List updated 10/24/18)
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End Notes
Stars, this was short as heccccccck. I apologize in advance for it's less than satisfactory length.That being said, thanks for reading, please review, and I hope you enjoyed.
Toodles!
~Willow .com
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