It all started my freshman year at college.
I was ecstatic at the prospect of studying at UCSB, the very school my dear sister, Elsa, was also enrolled in, albeit as a first year med student. Elsa and I haven't seen each other in years, but my love for her had never faded. But my excitement gave way to nervousness, and when I learned that she was nervous as well, we connected.
It started small at first; we'd watch a movie together, discuss a book, and debate a current event. We fell into a smooth routine, a routine that provided stability and backbone to the craziness that is college.
Elsa was always busy, but she'd never take away time from us. She'd always squeeze in a shared coffee, or a quick chat about the idiosyncrasies of life.
She was always so strong, Elsa that is. She had a fire in her, warmth that burned with such passion. She was always selfless, always thinking of ways to help others; that's why she wanted to be a doctor. Who couldn't fall for such an incredible woman? She was perfect in my eyes, gorgeous, caring, and warm-hearted- the epitome of a wonderful person.
Elsa spent all her free time with me, taking care to do everything to make me happy. She'd help me with my homework, hug me when I was sad, and show me the physical affection I desperately needed.
Then there was that night, oh that beautiful night. We were cuddling, like sisters do, when that moment came, with spontaneity and explosive power I thought could never exist in this universe. That moment you kissed me, no living memory of mine can compare. I will forever cherish the soft taste of your supple lips, sweetness that was so distinctly Elsa that I nearly cried in joy. I thought I had found true love, those short seconds our lips were connected; I thought we were soul mates.
The next six years were blissful. My world revolved around Elsa. Even in my classes, I only dreamed of the mind blowing nights we shared in bed, the love and affection that mutually sealed our relationship. Everything was perfect.
Was perfect…
I know why you left me, Elsa. I understand. You thought, and still think that you, being the older one, the more responsible one, the ever so insufferably selfless one, should take the burden of ending the taboo relationship that you believe keeps us both from living.
But you don't understand me. You don't understand how deeply I loved you, and how much I still love you. You are my sun, the stars, and the universe! Every breath I take is for you, my dearest Elsa.
The pain that courses through my veins, the bile that rises to my throat when I see you with that man; you cannot possibly realize how heartbreaking it is for me to see you replacing me. You are all I have, Elsa, and it feels like you threw me away that night.
The past year has been a blur for me, a numbness that surrounds my daily routine. I miss everything we used to do together, the short coffee chats, the movie nights, the sisterly cuddles we shared. Why is the universe so cruel?
I love you Elsa, there is nothing that can stop that love, even you. But with that love was a burning need to see you happy. I thought I would be the one to make you happy, I truly did.
I haven't talked to you in months; there is too much pain, too much hurt that comes from seeing you. But I plead with you, give me one more chance, one chance to show you that what we had is worth any price we must pay.
I'm going to talk to you one more, if just to say goodbye. I cannot live my life without at least trying once to bring back the beautiful thing we shared.
I love you Elsa.