She tries to make it work, she really does. For his sake. But deep down, she knows she settled. And she hates herself for it. Hates herself with a loathing so deep she feels she can hardly breathe around the choke hold it has on her throat.
A few words: forever, love, human and she gave in. Weak, selfish, B.L.I.N.D.
They had never needed words before, and she always knew how he felt. But all this one, this not-really-her-doctor, had to do was whisper a few to her and she betrayed Him. Kissed the other one and let Him walk away.
But she tries. Tries to smile, tries to kiss him without wishing he was someone else, tries not to wince when he hugs her; so similar but so, so different that she aches with the loss of what's not there.
She knows he sees the lines of strain around her eyes where she tries to smile when she pulls back from kissing him, knows he's trying too. They both are. For his sake. This was his gift to them, but still, it's not enough and with every touch of this one's fingers, every breath that's not His on her lips, she crumbles a little more inside. Because this time she knows, He isn't coming back. This time there are no more chances to make it right. Its just her and him. Alone. In a universe that wasn't meant for either of them to exist in.
She should have fought. Made Him see. Taken his hand and refused to let go. She knows he wouldn't have argued really. He gave her this chance, thought it was what she SHOULD have... but she knows, deep down he wanted her to kiss Him. Choose Him. Go back to running for their lives. Holding one another for hours on end. Touching automatically, grabbing hands immediately. Their mad, crazy, never ending insane ride of a life.
And she wishes she had. He's all she's ever wanted. All she's ever needed to breathe in life.
And he's gone. The end.
But she can't give up. Goes to work and tires herself to the bone; until her hair is a dishevelled frizzy mess and her clothes are so wrinkled the creases look pressed in.
And with every failure, every ERROR message and dead end she dies a little more inside. Fractures a little more on the outside and loses what another piece of what little hope is left in her eyes.
Torchwood finally gives up on her and makes her take a leave of absence. The light dies fully then.
She stops talking, barely even makes eye contact with him and when he finally mutters that he's going to look for somewhere else to stay for a while, she doesn't even move to try and stop him.
There's a numb feeling to her whole mind now. Sounds are distorted and her vision oddly twisted. She knows he's gone but can't bring herself to try and stop him. It hurts too much to even see his face when she knows that the man looking out of those eyes at her isn't t the ones she wants to see. N.E.E.D.S to see.
She feels tears sliding down her cheeks as the door swings closed behind him- their icy hotness the only thing she's felt in days- but she can't even raise a hand to wipe them away.
She takes to her bed. Doesn't move for weeks on end except for the bare minimum of requirements. She only washes when her mum comes to visit and puts her in the bath like she's a little girl again and runs shampoo and conditioner lovingly through her hair- even as tears stream down her cheeks at what's happened to her once full of life daughter.
She's forced to move back into the mansion with her mum and Pete. She doesn't complain because she doesn't care. Nothing takes away the numbness.
Her hair is stringy and her roots have long since grown out- leaving her hair with various patches of chemical blonde and mousy brown. Her skin is so pale now it's gone past the stage of being white and become almost translucent. Her cheekbones rise sharply out of her face and her eyes sink deep into sockets ringed with black circles.
She eats when her mum holds a spoon to her lips, swallows when it's a cup. The rest of the time she stares at nothing- imagining where He is, remembering her life before. She makes up stories in her head- ones where he comes crashing through the dimensions and whisks her away with him. Ones where he never left her here a second time- where he didn't even suggest it and now they travel the stars together, a ring on his finger and a matching one on hers. Ones where the Cybermen never escaped this dimension and the Daleks never escaped from hell. Ones where she knows nothing of this world and is discovering theirs every single day. With Him.
Ones where she's happy.
She thinks she sees him if she moves her head too fast and feels a tiny spark of something for the first time in months. She sits up and lets the sudden rush of blood to her head makes him vivid for a second.
Then he fades and the numbness returns and she can't help the sob that rips its way up her disused throat.
Her mother insists on changing her bed once a week. She never leaves it and it the sheets become stale quickly now. Normally Pete with hold her while Jackie works, cradling her weakened body like she is a baby. This time she has to stand- Pete's at work and Jackie needs something to do to keep herself from falling apart at the sight of her little girl wasting away.
She sees Him standing in front of her as real as He was that first day on the beach. Reaches out to touch Him and falls to the floor when her hand feels only air. Her mother helps her back into bed and with each quick movement or unexpected jolt she sees him for a tiny second.
She thinks she's going mad and finds she can't bring herself to care.
Pete drops the fork he's using to feed her and the spikes dig into her flesh- drawing blood but making him erupt in her vision clearer than ever before. She reaches out and lifts the fork as he starts to fade and rams it back into her skin.
Pete jumps from her bed in shock, grabbing the fork and shouting at her with worry in his voice. She barely hears him; He is smiling down at her; dorky glasses perched on the end of his nose and teeth gleaming in the dull light of her room. She feels herself smile back, the best she can muster and doesn't even notice Pete leaving the room and calling worriedly for Jackie.
They bring a nurse in to look after her. She's not to be left alone. Not ever.
But the nurse is careless, and she likes to chat to her friends when she's working- wandering around rose's room, touching her things and turning her back on her patient most of the time. rose picks up the knife from her food tray and stares at it with the faintest touch of curiosity- wondering. The nurse doesn't notice she's even moved.
No one notices the long red marks she makes across the tops of her arm. She doesn't even think about that. All she can do is stare in wonder as He becomes clearer and clearer with every new groove she marks into his skin. Sometimes his lips move but she can't hear what he's saying.
She doesn't care. Wanting words is why she's so alone now she thinks bitterly. It's the only emotion she feels now besides loss and despair.
His image starts to fade though, no matter how quickly she brags the knife along her skin. No matter how deeply she forces it to go. She can barely see Him anymore and the thought terrifies her.
She's left alone in the bath. She can see the nail scissors sitting on the side. They call out to her and she takes her chance.
The bath water stains itself a sick, watery red and the bubbles fizzle from existence as her blood flows sluggishly from her wrists and into the water below.
Her vision becomes blurry, and then perfectly clear as she sees him standing beside her bath- arms outstretched and waiting. A slow, lazy smile slips over her lips as her eyes slide closed and she lets herself fall into the warmth around her. Her smile never falters as he fades from her view one last time; a blissful feeling of relief flowing through her as she hears him calling to her through the darkness. She lets herself fall into it. She's finally going back to her Doctor.
The nurse's screams echo through the hallways of the house followed by Pete's wracking sobs. Jackie stands back and watches it all with a detached sense of relief. At least she's a peace now.