Hair: check. Perfume: check. Dress showing off my assets: check and… check. My tits look great in this. I know they always look great, but in this dress? I'd do myself in a heartbeat. My date won't even stand a chance: if I bend over once, he'll pay for dinner, the movie and my speeding tickets. Which he needs to do soon, because I really can't afford to pay them, and I'm already overdue as it is. What kind of father gives his own child a ticket anyway? I wasn't going that far over the speed limit, and the other car really should have heard me coming.

There's a knock on the door. Must be my date. I give my hair one last comb-over, then go to open the door, curious to finally see what this handsome, athletic, artistic Cassanova (his own description) looks like. The face before me is a familiar one, and certainly not one I'm very interested in seeing right now. At least he left the damn puppet at home, carrying flowers instead. They look like they came from our neighbour's garden. "Hey Trina," Robbie says, and he steps in, despite not being invited to do so. "You look great tonight."

I sigh deeply. "You're my date, huh?"

"Yep," he says, oblivious to my disappointment. I retrace my steps, trying to figure out what went wrong. I signed up on that dating site, gave a completely accurate description of myself, included a couple of pictures, got twenty messages in the first week, responded to the one that didn't say "show us your tits"… He had seemed really nice and smooth from the messages we exchanged after that. Completely unlike Robbie.

"So, just to be clear: you're AwesomeMcCool69?" I ask him.

"No, that's Rex."

"…Rex set you up on a date with me?" I ask. Robbie nods. "And you didn't think that was weird?"

"Well, I thought it was weird that you'd be interested in me. But he said that you put ou–" He quickly cuts off the sentence, blushing. I take a step towards him; he backs up, his gaze constantly travelling between my chest and my fists. Smart boy. At least he's somewhat aware of the danger. "I mean, uh, he said that you'd changed your mind about me. And that maybe, if I was lucky, I could get a kiss. On my cheek. Because you're a good girl and you haven't done that with those twelve guys."

I wish looks could kill. Bloodstains are so hard to remove. Note to self, though: puppets don't bleed. "So I got all dressed up for nothing?"

Robbie gasps in indignation. "What, no, not nothing! I'm here. We can still go on that date."

"I know you. You'd ask me to split the bill 25:75, and then try to haggle your way out of the 25 because your steak was still a little red in the centre." Robbie opens his mouth to protest, but I quickly interrupt. "Janet Green, Robbie. She blogged about you on TheSlap." He closes his mouth again. I sigh. "Look, I'm sorry you came out here for nothing, but I'm not going on a date with you. So… you should probably just go home."

"But…"

"Go home, Robbie."

Dejectedly, Robbie leaves, and I'm left by myself. Tori has a date with someone – Jason or Jayden or something like that, I wasn't paying attention – and my parents are having dinner at their friends'. I don't think there's any food in the fridge, or at least, nothing that can be prepared in less than five minutes. Since I don't feel like putting effort into my dinner tonight, I call the nearest pizza place for a large tuna and onion pizza. They deliver it fifteen minutes later, and I slowly eat it over the next half hour while watching TV. Obviously, I had been hoping for steak, cinema and sex tonight, but pizza, CSI and masturbation is an acceptable alternative.

I check my phone. Ten past seven; still plenty of time before anyone comes home. After kicking off the back pillows, I lay down on the couch, put a pillow under my head, another under my hips and slide off my panties. The dress stays on: it's short enough for access, and as mentioned earlier, I look great in it. So good, in fact, that I make it the starting point of my fantasy. The way it highlights my curves, the flawless skin it leaves visible… Already, I feel myself tingle.

I slide a hand up my thigh. The skin is soft, but the muscles underneath can be felt clearly. My other hand grabs my chest, which has a size and firmness any other girl should be jealous of. The hand on my thigh encounters a familiar wetness, and without hesitation, I go for the spots I know to be effective. I'm already halfway to an orgasm when the door opens, and I sit up startled, trying to hide my exposed lower body with my hands.

Robbie stands in the doorway. "I, uh, I couldn't find my keys… figured they might be here…" From the way he blushes and his apparent interest in his shoes, I can tell that he saw everything that was on display. Great. He continues: "I'll, uh… I'll leave you to it…"

"Wait." On the one hand, it's Robbie. But on the other hand, I'm horny and he's already seen everything anyway. "I'll let you help. Come here." He steps towards me, obviously hesitant but knowing an opportunity when he sees one. When I move my hands, he stops and his jaw drops. Clearing my throat has no effect, but he's within kicking range, so I gently kick his leg. While he hops around rubbing it, I ask: "You gonna keep it together or should I kick you out again?"

This time, he manages to keep his composure, although his eyes are still fixated on the whole new world between my legs. Looks like I'll have to walk him through it. "OK… put your face between my legs." He does. I can see the terror in his eyes; it's kinda cute. "Now, put a finger between my labia…" He shoots me a look of confusion. I spread them for him. "These here. Now just rub up and down until you find a… nub, I guess." I shiver when he rubs over it. "Oh, you hit it! Bit down… yeah, right there. Remember that spot."

He looks back up at me. "Now put a finger inside me… no, lower. Ow! Lower! And be gentle! Lower still. Yes, there! Now push inside… Gentle! You're hurting me! OK, forget that. Pull it out. You remember that spot? Just… use your mouth on that."

To Robbie's credit, he really does seem to be trying his best. But he has no experience, and he's a bit of an idiot, so 'his best' is comparable to that time my arm was in a cast and I had to use my left hand, if I had also been drunk at the time. After a while, I put my hand on his head and tell him that he should just stop, because it isn't working out. He looks disappointed, understandably, and I do feel a little bit guilty. Enough so to accept an alternative.

"…Take your pants off." He perks up and, without wasting a moment, gets naked. I raise my eyebrows. "Wow. I can work with that…" He's not huge, but he's definitely bigger than most of the guys I've been with. I tell him to lay on the couch and not to move while I go to my room and fetch a condom. When I return, Robbie's eyes are on me, anticipation and excitement clear in them. Honestly, I'm actually looking forward to this as well. Gonna get something out of tonight, at least.

Unfortunately, Robbie is very inexperienced. As I roll the condom onto his member, he whimpers. I feel him twitch, and through the rubber, I can see the thick, white liquid already spilling out of him. Slowly but surely, he goes limp in my hand.

"…You have got to be kidding me." Robbie hangs his head. I know it's no fun for him either, and I know that sex with the Trina Vega is a lot to handle, but this feels like a cruel joke. "Just get dressed. Clean yourself up, get dressed and go."

"Trina… I'm sorry…" He does sound sincerely regretful. I sigh, standing up and fixing my dress.

"It's not your fault… but still. You tried and it didn't work out. It's time to go, Robbie." He's silent for a moment, then leaves to the bathroom. After he gets dressed, I walk him to the door, kiss his cheek and say: "Thanks for trying, though."

Despite everything, he seems pretty content when he leaves. Of course, that doesn't help me in any way, and it certainly won't bring back the mood he killed, but it still feels like I did my good deed for the day. I don't go to bed satisfied, but as far as dates go, this wasn't my worst.

(Four days later, I find out that he has been telling people about how he gave me the best sex of my life, and that I had three orgasms from the fucking alone. Needless to say, I respond by showing people my karate skills.)

A/N: This started out as an entry for Riotstarter1214's Tribbie contest.

But over the course of the fic, I decided that fail!sex would both be funnier and more true to canon. So, uh, sorry Riotstarter.

If any of you are interested in successful Tribbie sex, I suggest checking out 'A Seires of Hot One Shots' by that author. It's hilarious.

...Yeah, that's about all, I think.