Hello! Here is the sequel to Different Kinds of Pain. If you haven't read that one yet, this story will make more sense if you do so. This was co written with ijustwantyoutoknow.

As always, we LOVE to hear your input, and EVERY review/alert is very much appreciated! We hope you enjoy :)

We do not own Criminal Minds

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present." - Jan Glidewell

The quiet pitter patter of rain sounded outside of Emily's bedroom window. Reid was asleep next to her but even in the restlessness of the storm she couldn't bring herself to reach out and touch him. Involuntarily she kept glancing over to her dresser drawer. It had been three months since she had last looked into it.

She got out of bed slowly, as not to disturb Reid, and tiptoed over. She eased the wooden drawer open, and without looking she was able to locate the small object she was searching for. It felt cold in her hand as she picked it up. She turned it over in her fingers, the shiny metal glinting in the pale light of the moon. It was hard for her to even look at it, it brought back too many memories she would much rather forget. But she placed the ring on her finger anyway.

The ring didn't fit as it used to, it slipped around. Emily noticed how bony her fingers had become, and she knew Spencer had noticed. He'd known that she stopped eating like she usually had.

Nothing had seemed important after the day they laid their baby to rest.

XXX

Emily sat with her hands in her lap and her head down. Reid was on her right and JJ on her left. The rest of the team was behind them, and her mother was one row over. Even Strauss was sitting near her mother. She felt Reid's slim hand slip over and encase her smaller one. The nice day contradicted her feelings of intense grief and anger at the world. She would have felt better if it were storming, but instead the sun was shining, like it was any other day. She glanced over to see Reid's expression, but his hair hung limp around his face. She assumed that it was similar to how it had been for the past few days, haunted and full of guilt.

He kept thinking to himself, maybe if he had protected her better. Maybe if he had stopped Gray. Maybe if he had gotten them out sooner. The guilt kept him awake at nights, in his dreams Emily would blame him, leave him. And really, he would understand if she did. He had failed them both, and she deserved more than him. The dreams haunted him. He knew that his face was pale and that purple bags stained the skin under his eyes.

He barely listened to the Pastor as he talked about the sadness of such a small life lost. He didn't know the circumstances, and kept saying that this was a tragic accident. Reid's heart seemed to stop, he knew that it was his fault. It was his fault that his baby was dead and Emily was hurting. Reid hated himself for it.

The Pastor spoke of Sophia, and how she would now be with God. All Emily could think about was how unfair that was, and she hated herself for it. She wanted to have her baby with her. She wanted her baby girl, and no matter what this man said of a loving God, it wouldn't change her mind.

Reid felt an unfamiliar tug on his heart as the tiny coffin began its descent into the cold unforgiving ground. The pain became almost unbearable as his child was taken further and further from him.

Behind him he could hear Garcia sobbing openly, and Morgan trying to comfort her. In a way he wished Emily was crying. He wished she would do something, squeeze his hand back, something so he knew she was still there, so he knew that she was more than just a hollow shell, but in her eyes he could see that she was just that.

Once their child was in the ground, the song Amazing Grace came on. Emily glanced at Reid, his head was up and his eyes looked straight ahead. Emily wondered if hers held the same emptiness.

The next thing she knew, her mother was standing in front of her. Emily quickly wiped her eyes and stood up. Her mother laid a hand on her shoulder, and Emily stopped herself from cringing at the contact.

"Thank you for coming, Mother," Emily said stiffly.

Ignoring her daughter's thanks she whispered, "I'm sorry." with tears evident in her voice. Emily nodded and looked at the abnormally well kept grass.

Her mother gave her shoulder one last squeeze. "Please call me if you need anything, dear," She said, and then stepped away. She knew that soon Emily would want to be alone.

As soon as her mother had stepped away Strauss came over to the pair.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." Even her voice cracked involuntarily. "It goes without saying that you will be having time away from work. If you need anything from me or the Bureau please don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you ma'am," Reid said. She gave them one last glance, and stepped over to the side.

Emily worked hard to keep her tears at bay. She would let them out some other time, alone. But for now she had to be strong, because if she let one tear out, there would be nothing to stop the rest.

XXX

Reid saw Emily sitting on the floor across the dark room. He knew that she was feeling alone, the way she uncharacteristically hugged her knees to her chest. The way she seemed hesitant to touch him, how she seemed unsure of how to show affection.

He slowly got out of bed and went over to Emily. He sat next to her and wrapped his arms around her body. The way her body was slowly getting smaller frightened him. It seemed that every measure he took to get her to eat was useless.
They sat like that for what could have been hours. Emily's steady breathing lulled him into a state where he was half asleep, yet still aware of his surroundings.

"How do you do it?" A hoarse voice asked, Reid's head shot up.

"What?" He replied, adjusting his arms.

"How do you wake up in the morning, and not feel like you wronged her? How do you just forget about the pain?" Emily felt the inevitable emotions of loss coming to the surface as Spencer's arms tightened around her thin body. She hated that she could tell others to stop blaming themselves but she couldn't stop herself from feeling that way.

"I don't forget, I will never forget. But I can't live the rest of my life as if I was the one who killed her. It was Gray, Emily. You made me see this; you need to know that you never wronged her either." Reid could remember the day Emily snapped him out of his guilt clearly.

"Then why does it feel this way?" Emily's question snapped him out of his memory.

Reid had no answers for that question. He didn't know why he felt the way he did, or how to tell Emily that the pain never left, but it got more tolerable as life went on.

"Spencer." Emily brought Reid back from his mind, she looked at him and Reid thought he saw something in her eyes, but almost as quickly as it had come, it left.

As she looked over at him she just couldn't understand. No matter how hard she tried, it just seemed hopeless.

"I don't know Emmy, but I know it gets better." Reid whispered into her unkempt hair, he felt Emily lean into his embrace. Something she hadn't done in quite a while.

Reid couldn't bring himself to end the embrace with Emily. So the pair sat on the floor and watched out the window as the sun lit the sky and slowly dried the trails of water on the glass panes.