***HEYS GUYS, SO SOME OF YOU MIGHT HAVE READ THIS FANFIC BEFORE BUT I DECIDED TO RE-WRITE MOST OF IT. I LOST SIGHT OF HOW I REALLY WANTED MY STORY TO GO AND I WASN'T HAPPY WITH THE OUTCOME. I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THE REVISED VERSION. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING OF GLEE***
Making out wasn't anything new for Brittany and Santana. Especially when they were making out with each other. Things were heating up fast, as it would on every other occasion when they were just "hooking up" and soon Brittany found herself getting undressed by Santana. Nothing was different about the situation, but Brittany couldn't stop thinking about how her feelings had changed toward Santana. Maybe she had felt this way all along throughout the entirety of their friendship, but only now she began to comprehend what these emotions meant. Although Brittany wasn't the most intelligent person in the world, she knew that her feelings toward Santana went beyond friendship. She was never in love before, but she was sure that was what she felt for Santana. Brittany had become restless with all the "meaningless sex" that her and Santana had, and she knew she had to stand up for herself, or things would never change.
Santana was kissing Brittany softly on her neck, which always drove Brittany wild, but she snapped out of her trance and backed away.
"Ummm, why are you backing away from me? Hello Britt, I'm trying to get my freak on." As she leans into Brittany for a kiss, while pulling her closer, but Brittany turns away and sits up in the bed and puts her shirt back on. Santana follows suit.
"B, why are you acting so weird, well I mean weirder than normal, where's your head at?" Santana questions with extreme frustration.
"My head is right here, on top of my head duh" Brittany replies not understanding the underlying meaning of Santana's question.
"No" letting out a gasp of air, "I mean, usually when we're making out n' stuff, and Santana puts an emphasis on 'stuff' "you're totally into it, but lately it seems like you're always thinking about something else" Santana is looking directly into Brittany's eyes and sees that she knows exactly what she is talking about.
Brittany looks to the side for a moment and is silent, in fear of what her best friend's response would be to her new found yearning for sex with a meaning. Brittany was not going to cop out sex to Santana anymore. Santana without sex is definitely a situation that you always want to avoid. Oh, the havoc Brittany thought.
Santana is rapidly becoming more inpatient by the second for the void of conversation between them. "Hello! B! I am talking to you, you know!" Her eyes piercing.
Brittany knows better than to keep Santana waiting, she takes a deep breathe in, it's now or never, she looks at Santana with a serious expression, "It's just, Brittany pauses, "I'm tired of all the meaningless sex, you know, that you and I always have. That is ALL we ever do, is hook up."
At first Santana assumed that this was just going to be one of Brittany's random and irrelevant rants, but her tone of voice was different and her body language sent the opposite message. She realized that Brittany was being serious. Santana doesn't know how to respond, Brittany usually just followed whatever Santana claimed to be the right and "cool" thing to do, and never questioned Santana's motives, and making out and having sex with your best friend was definitely cool to Santana.
Brittany continued, "I want to be in love the next time I have sex, I know it sounds cheesy but I would imagine that if you were in love with the person you were having sex with, it would be that much greater."
Santana still remained dumbfounded. She didn't know how to feel. First she thought that her outlet for sex on tap is totally gone now being that Brittany wasn't going to cop out anymore. But Santana couldn't help but agree with Brittany as well, she was never in love with any of the people she hooked up with. She started to wonder how that would feel like, to be in love. Being around someone who always made you smile, who brightened up the room when they entered, when you are with them, no one and nothing else matters, being able to be your complete self around them, flaws and everything.
As she dwelled on it more, she realized that feeling that way, being "in love" would only be amazing, right? Then she felt a pit in her stomach formulate. "Oh, fuck! She pauses and looks up at Brittany, who is patiently waiting for some kind of reaction," That's how I feel about you!" She whispers under her breath. Her eyes widened.
Brittany heard Santana say something discreetly, but couldn't quite make out the words. She noticed the look on Santana's face and suddenly got nervous. Brittany speaks to break the tension, "Umm, what was that San I didn't hear what you just said"
Santana shakes out of her daze, not understanding the revelation that she just had about her best friend, "Huh? Oh, uh, nothing, I didn't say anything." She bites her lip and crosses her arms.
Brittany looks at her, confused, "Oh, ok, I swear I heard you say something, but it's probably just my mind playing tricks on me again"
Brittany starts to speak again, slowly, still not understanding what was going with Santana, "So as I was saying, I just want to be in a relationship you know, like totally official with someone, kind of like, Finn and Rachel"
Thank God! Santana thinks to herself, an opportunity to break the awkwardness. I can always make fun of Rachel Berry, she smirks, and giggles, "Yeah right! Like Rachel Berry would ever put out, I can imagine her right now trying to be sexy and seductive with her knee high socks and reindeer sweaters!" Santana let's out a laugh, "Good one Britt!"
Brittany laughs a little, but that isn't what she meant, and becomes serious again, "No, I mean like they're both crazy in love with each other, they're connection is so strong that it makes everyone in the room go numb. That's what I want" Like how I feel when I am with you, Brittany thinks to herself.
Santana swore she was in a twilight zone, Brittany talking about being in love was absurd, she couldn't even contemplate the difference between her right and left hands. Santana decided to respond with her usual bitchy personality, "Britt I think you're just going through a phase, you're too young to really know what love should be like, you and I both, so are you guna put out or not? I have to get home soon"
Brittany is hurt by Santana's insincerity. Santana was her best friend she was supposed to be able to express her inner most feelings to her without having to worry about getting ridiculed. Brittany became angry, "No Santana! I'm not going to put out for you tonight, or any other night! Puck is out of jail, so why don't you go to him for all you're sexual needs, I'm sure he can fulfill them" she throws her hands up into the air to emphasize her frustration.
Santana didn't anticipate Brittany getting this mad. All she really wants to do is to grab Brittany arms and pull her into a tight embrace, and tell her that she feels the same, but she instantly rejects the feeling. She gets up and looks down at Brittany, "Uggghh! Whatevs, your super lame!" Santana gets up and turns to the bedroom door, and is ready to leave. Brittany lies back in her bed and turns the other way.
Santana stops, when she hears no response from the blonde. She realizes how sad Brittany really is. Santana now has her hand on the door knob, when she let's her hand fall and she turns around, starting to walk back toward the bed.
She sits on the bed with Brittany's back facing toward her. She softly touches Brittany's back and leans into Brittany's ear and whispers, with slight hesitation,"All those things you want, with sex and being in love, I want that too."
Brittany is completely shocked, she flinches and blinks her eyes, knowing that Santana is indirectly telling Brittany that she wants all those things with her. She slowly turns onto her back meeting Santana's gaze, Santana's hand now on Brittany's stomach.
Brittany smiles, "You mean, you don't want meaningless sex anymore either!" She questions simply.
Santana nods, softly smiling, "Sex between you and I", she pauses and bites her lip, not sure if she should expose this truth, "it was never...it was never meaningless, at least it wasn't to me" She looks away as she shrugs her shoulders.
Brittany looks up, "What do you mean?"
Santana looks back at her, there is a small kind of sparkle in her eye, "I think you know what I mean." She says coyly with a grin.
For some reason, even though the meaning of Santana's previous statement would have usually been a code to Brittany, she knew exactly what Santana meant. Santana loved her, definitely more than a friend, and that love was mutual.
Brittany smiles at what Santana just said and moves over in the bed to make room for Santana as she motions for her to lay down. Santana does so, as they both lay on their sides to face each other and Santana keeps her hand on Brittany's side. They both smile shyly as Brittany brings her hand to meet with Santana's cheek. Santana closes her eyes to take in the moment, she had forgotten how soft Brittany's hands were.
They bring there faces closer to each others, feeling the breathes between them getting hotter. This kiss was going to be different from all the other kisses they have shared previously. This time they weren't kissing as best friends, they were kissing as best friends that love each other in that special way. Brittany's lips finds Santana's and in that instant both girls are covered with goosebumps. Santana lifts her hand off from Brittany's side and softly grabs the rim of Brittany's shirt to pull her closer, desperate to feel her body right up against hers. They wrap their legs around each others and moan with joy simultaneously.
Brittany gently grabs the back of Santana's neck also pulling her closer. Santana starts to breathe heavily for the back of her neck has always been her weak spot. Brittany pulls away, while Santana is still leaning toward her searching for her lips, bewildered, Santana opens her eyes, "B, what's wrong?" Keeping her hand on Brittany's chest.
Brittany has a cute smirk on her face, let's out a heavy breath, "That kiss, that felt different" Santana smiles back knowing exactly what she means, "What do you mean?"
Looking up Brittany mockingly replies, "I think you know what I mean"
Everything changed after that kiss. That was the first kiss that Brittany and Santana shared not only as best friends, but now as best friends that had a deep love for one another. Brittany had been dreaming of this moment ever since her and Santana began hooking up.
The girls were lying on Brittany's bed. Santana was laying on Brittany's chest as Brittany had her arm around Santana's waist. They were just cuddling with one another listening to John Mayer's "Comfortable". Although they wanted to make love more than anything, they also just wanted to bask in the moment. This was a big event for the both of them.
Brittany was comforted by the silence between them. She knew that Santana was happy because she kept making circles with her index finger on Brittany's stomach. Her dreams finally came true. She had always had a small feeling that Santana was putting up a front when it came to how she felt. Santana never spoke about feelings, especially whenever Brittany brought up the relationship between them but Santana would always absentmindedly send Brittany signals. Even though Santana claimed that the sex they had meant nothing, they always cuddled after. Santana would always hold Brittany as they fell asleep. Whenever they had sex Santana would always make sure that Brittany was okay, and if Santana ever left Brittany during the night, she never failed at kissing Brittany on the forehead.
Everyone saw Santana as a thick skinned bitch, but when it was just the two of them Santana was a completely different person. She always made Brittany feel like she was the only important person in her life, but whenever Brittany tried to talk about their feelings for each other, Santana would always get frustrated and irritated so she ignored the signs.
Santana had known all along that her feelings for Brittany had always existed as more than a love for friendship. Although they were still considered young to most adults, she knew that Brittany was the love of her life, but she ignored her feelings because it wasn't the norm, and Santana was the queen of fitting in and steering clear from anything that might make her come across as a freak. At Mckinley High, being gay was definitely not of the norm. She knew that if she was open about her feelings toward Brittany she would become the center of mockery and cruel jokes. Santana would not allow the tables to turn on her thus she kept her feelings and true identity at bay.
But now that she knew that Brittany's feelings were mutual, her life took an unexpected turn. The dynamic between them changed. Now she can actually hold Brittany's hand instead of their usually pinky fingers. She could buy Brittany flowers as her girlfriend instead of just her best friend. They could go to Breadsticks on an actual date instead of pretending to be guy hunting. Santana was smiling to herself at all the warm thoughts of what they could potentially be, but then her thoughts are put to a halt.
'But that means that I would have to officially ask Brittany to be my girlfriend' Santana says to herself. Although Santana wanted nothing more than for her and Brittany to be official, she knew she wasn't ready to expose her true self to the world. Even though she now knew how she truly felt for Brittany, she also knew that she just wasn't ready for that next step. She wasn't strong enough, and even though she was literally the queen of the school, she wasn't ready for all the judgment. Santana began to feel awkward and out of place.
John Mayer's "Comfortable" ended and Santana started to get up. Brittany looked up and automatically sensed a mood change in Santana. Brittany sat up in her bed as Santana turned her back to sit on the side of the bed.
"Umm, Did I do something wrong San?" Brittany asked innocently.
Santana felt horrible. She can tell that Brittany was sad hearing the tone of her voice. They just had an amazing moment, and Santana was ruining it. 'Just lay back in her arms and forget about all your inhibitions.' Santana said to herself. 'Don't mess things up' But Santana couldn't bring herself to do it. She was too scarred of completely giving into her feelings.
Brittany knew something was wrong when Santana didn't turn to face Brittany. "Of course you didn't do anything wrong Britt. I'm just really tired. I think I'm going to head home, it's pretty late." Santana sat up and fixed her hair as she walked over to grab her sweater.
Brittany got up and out of her bed to follow Santana and grabbed her hand turning her to face her,she knew Santana was lying. "Look.." Brittany paused, "I know that your scarred. I know that all of this, our feelings for each other is too much for you to handle because I know that you really care about what others think of you. But when you're in love, none of that should matter right? As long...As long as your with each other." Brittany said with pleading hope.
Santana started to shake, she could tell how much Brittany was hurting. In an instant Santana had given her all that she ever wanted and then took it all away. "Britt, I, I just..." Santana's voice started to trail off as tears started to fill in her eyes. She let her head fall so that she was facing the floor.
Brittany now felt hopeless. She grabbed both of Santana's hands tightly. "Look at me, San, please look at me." Santana slowly allowed her head to rise until she met Brittany's desperate gaze. Brittany let go of one of Santana's hands so that she could wipe the tears from her eyes. "Believe in you and me. I will be there for you when you can't be strong. I know it will be hard, but for me I know all the hardship that we will have to endure will be worth it because I have you. Having you is all I need, it's more than enough for me." Brittany pleaded.
Santana's heart sank after hearing those words. She knew that Brittany meant all of it, but she just wasn't ready. After a moment of silence, Santana looked up at Brittany, new tears filled her eyes, "I can't." Santana said in a whisper, "I'm so sorry." as she let go of Brittany's hands and ran out of her room.
Brittany stood there dumbfounded not knowing what to think or feel. She knew that Santana felt the same but she was paralyzed by her fear of what others would think.
Brittany knew what she had to do and quietly said out loud, "I'll wait for you."
***I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED READING THIS REVISED CHAPTER. THANK YOU FOR READING. I KNOW THIS CHAPTER WAS BITTERSWEET, BUT I PROMISE THINGS WILL GET BETTER =D***