11/River pairing. Don't know when this is set.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, as funny as it would be to have this happen.
Amy was strolling the TARDIS in her nightie, on her way to the kitchen to fetch breakfast for herself and Rory. Her husband was in the middle of his shower, so she figured he would appreciate something to eat. Her fuzzy slippers scooted along the hallway floor, collecting static electricity as she went. She made a point not to touch anything metal... which didn't exactly work inside a space ship.
She approached the door to the kitchen and was about to yank it open when she paused. There were voices inside, voices that she knew very well. River and the Doctor were there, likely eating food of their own. She grabbed the handle and was about to pull when she heard the Doctor speaking in an uncharacteristically low voice, "I see you've done this before, Miss Song."
Amy paused. His voice sounded almost... threatening. If River did something to make him mad, she didn't want any part of that. She was about to turn away when she heard River shakily reply, "Jealous, sweetie?"
Amy raised an eyebrow. What the heck? She quickly pressed her ear to the door. "Jealous of what, exactly?" The Doctor asked. Amy could almost hear the mischievous smile on his face. She could hear River made a sudden sound, one that sounded suspiciously of... of...
She jumped back from the door in confusion and horror. Were they really... in a kitchen? She turned and raced down the many corridors back to the room she shared with her husband. Rory was sitting on the edge of their bed, pulling on his socks. Amy burst into the room, breathing like someone who had just run a marathon. "Rory!"
He immediately jumped up in worry. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"
"The Doctor," she said, breathing heavily in between words. "River! Kitchen, they're... Doing things!"
Rory furrowed his eyebrows at her. "They're doing things?"
"Yes!" she hissed. "Things... Things you do on your wedding night!"
Rory drew his head back in indignation. "That's not the only time for it, you know-"
"Oh come on!" She grabbed his arm and pulled him along, almost tripping him along the way. Amy led him to the kitchen door, where she quickly pressed her ear to it again and motioned for Rory to do the same. He obliged, but couldn't think of River and the Doctor like that, I mean really, they-
"Come on, River. Give it up," the Doctor's voice was low and almost agitated. "Give it to me!"
"Say please," River cooed. Rory looked to Amy with an eyebrow raised.
"They were talking about jealousy earlier," Amy explained quickly. "And River was making... noises." She quickly fell silent again as more talking reached their ears.
Amy could almost see the expression on River's face when she replied with a smooth, "Nope!"
Suddenly there was a loud shuffle of furniture, what sounded like tables and chairs. Amy gaped. They had better not! Not on the table!
Rory exchanged a look with her and grabbed the kitchen door, throwing it open to find... "...What are you two doing?"
The Doctor and River both peered from their respective positions to take in the married couple that was watching them with intense confusion. They were standing face to face only a few feet apart, with the Doctor watching River like some sort of predator. The human female was just out of his reach, blaster in one hand and a package of something in the other. "Amy," the Doctor began immediately. "Will you tell River to stop eating all of my Jammie Dodgers? And give them back while you're at it? That's the last package!"
Amy raised an eyebrow and looked to River. She shrugged. "He wasn't paying any attention to me," she said innocently.
"That's what you were doing?" Amy asked, thoroughly disappointed as she and her husband walked into the room.
"She stole them!" The Doctor accused, eying the package hungrily. "And now there's only one left!"
"And it's going to be delicious!" River said confidently.
"You wouldn't dare."
"Try me," she replied, giving him a wink.
The Doctor looked helplessly to Amy and Rory. "Help would be nice!"
"Sorry Doctor, she's your girlfriend," Amy said, holding her hands up in mock surrender.
"She's not my-" "You've got a point-"
The Time Lord and the Kidnapper looked at one another as they spoke at the same instant. River winked. "Spoilers, dear!"
The Doctor ran a hand through his hair. An idea struck him and he let his hands fall to his sides. "Alright, alright, just put the gun down. I'd rather see it eaten than blown up," he conceded.
River smiled a bit. "That's more like it-"
The Doctor took two giant steps forward and wrapped an arm around River's waist, spinning her and pulling her in for a very involved kiss on the mouth. She was surprised and managed to return the gesture after a few moments of shock. Just as she regained her bearings, the Doctor swiped the package away and danced across the room toward the Ponds, tossing the empty package on the floor and stuffing the last Jammie Dodger in his mouth. "Ha!" he said, spreading his arms wide and causing a few crumbs to fall to the floor as he spoke. He turned to the door and ran.
River gaped at him as he ran off. She holstered her gun. "Sometimes, I want to smack that man," she said, running off after him with a smile. "Doctor!"
Rory and Amy watched her go and the latter burst into laughter after they were both gone. "Leave it to him to do that," Rory said, opening the cupboards with a smile on his face. They could hear echoes from the console room of River and the Doctor talking. Or yelling, perhaps. "Breakfast?"
Amy managed to stem her mirth to a smile and kissed him on the cheek. "Yes, please. Just don't-"
The thudding of feet sounded in the hall, coming closer and closer. They turned to see River run past, trailing something long and colorful after her. The Doctor arrived moments later, pausing at the door. "Which way did she go? What does she have now?"
Amy was busy laughing, so Rory answered him. "That way," he pointed. "She's got something long and colorful."
The Doctor's eyes widened and he turned in the direction that Rory had pointed, taking off as fast as he could run. "River! That's my scarf!"