After All

APOV

We were in Bella's room, lounging while we talked.

She has been little by little making herself more comfortable against me, her body more intimately tangled with mine. But innocent, unaware and obliviously, so it seems. A comfort, progressively, something that's become so second nature to her over the last couple weeks that she does it without thinking. It's a startling intimacy if I allow myself to think too much about it. But it has definitely ignited my desire both emotional and physical.

I can't tell if she can feel it, that my demeanor toward her is alight. If she were to make even the subtlest overture, I'd respond in kind. She must intrinsically sense some sort of shift or she wouldn't gravitate the way she does, would she? With such comfort in her body, how she uses it to be with me in a more demonstrative way than she has before.

"You saw this didn't you, that I'd have this conflict with him, and with her?" she asked as she propped her head up onto her palm. It seems Rosalie had cornered Bella and voiced her blatant disregard for my befriending a human girl. Covert I might add, approaching her behind my back.

"Not saw it so much, as expected that if circumstances brought certain conversations to light, you'd stand up for what you feel. You'd live what you believe. And, there would be conflict."

"And that Edward would pull the 'I'm her brother, we're a family' card?" she queried.

"Yes, I saw that. I didn't want you have to go through that" I say, trying to not give away too much as I meet her eyes.

She may eventually see how it fits into a bigger scheme of things, that it's only a difficulty now, it won't be later. But, I can't say that, not yet. I can't tell her what I've seen. I have to let events unfold, without interfering.

"Ok, well, whatever I guess" she laments, giving up for now. She runs the bottom of her socked foot up my calf, watching to see if I'll play. She does this, finding some teasing, touching way of being affectionate with me. I watch her eyes, and smile. A minute goes by. She switches to running her hand along my leg that's draped over hers. The tips of her fingers lightly scratching against the double seam of my skinny jeans. She looks up, tentatively.

"Alice, you'll stay right?" She hasn't been in a mindset where she wanted to be around them, around my family. When it's like this we have to wrangle just for some calm, it's exhausting. And, she's been asking me to stay more frequently, slowly getting closer and revealing herself to me. Mostly, it's engaging philosophically, beyond emotionally, laying bare her mind, it's workings. And wanting me to tell her my views on larger issues of existence. Which I guess is natural, not just for the age that she is, but that she has been made aware to 'the fairy tale' of what we are, being real. Maybe, other things she thought were fantasy are not? That may be what the questions and discussions are a result of. But, this would just be her I suspect, that's just her curious mind, currently heightened to a level of questioning that goes with the recent revelation and acceptance.

She's curious and willing to admit what we don't know. And, this is who she is, that she navigates the world in combination through her intellect, intuition and that other portal that she doesn't have a name for, that is her soul. The entity that we acknowledge someone like me could've still retained once I transformed. No one knows for sure so why not be positive. Can't prove it either way, that's her theory.

It's during one of these long nights, she's wide awake and energized with the stimulation of all the possibilities and of plausible answers. Even if they're just guesses, hypothesis, or intellectual rants, she doesn't care, she's fired up. We've been down the list of topics; souls, God, aliens, the cosmos, the ancient greeks, western civilization, the founding fathers, the pyramids, stonehenge, architecture, anthropology, no, not the retailer, tho' I'd engage that, and more, when she starts to wind down.

She fell asleep in my arms, intimately entangled, fully clothed limbs mimicking the positioning of slumbering lovers, entwined after heated and prolonged intimacy. I have to laugh and keep my mind reined in as the thought of how this looks and feels stirs all my appetites. My instincts to have her and indulge what my nature wants. I let the thoughts be, as I am amused by them and focus instead on her breathing. Her humanness will never grow old for me. I am enraptured by it.

And, I read her. She's a good girl, she believes in love and monogamy and forgiveness. And. that the deepest, most meaningful experiences are earned. She earns hers, and expects me to earn mine. I have to be present and reveal, no short cuts. She'll let me have time to reveal, within reason, she doesn't rush me. But I have to be honest and tell her that I am withholding, that I will find the time and the words to share. No free pass. I have to be accountable. And, it's all willing and unassuming. She gives freely and openly when she's being heard, appreciated and feels unconstrained. Which is why what came next was such a betrayal.

I was being pressured and I panicked, I didn't want to run, take off, but I did. We did. It wasn't planned, and I did allow myself to be talked into something that I knew in the back of my mind and in my soul, was wrong. But I went along with it. The incident at her birthday party didn't help, it truly scared me, and that was pretty much the nail in the coffin. Yeah, bad analogy.

Over cautious would be how they'd describe it. Controlling would be my words. Edward had a lot to do with it, and Rosalie, too. Convincing Carlisle to convince everyone else. They had been the two family members that never wanted me to allow myself to even consider a human as a mate. But, mate isn't a choice, it already is. By the time I made the realization, the stars had already aligned, long before. And, they were getting ahead of everything, in all their panicking. We weren't anything but friends before we left. Yeah there was subliminal energy, we didn't talk about it, it was just a warmth that permeated our time together, and a trust, too. And, before I knew it, I was saying goodbye to her, watching her heart break while she wrestled with herself between being hurt, angry and confused. I'm not this person, someone who does this, but I'm not a lot of things I seem to be these days. Least of which is apparently mated to a teenage, human girl.

While we were away, I looked for her, and sometimes I could see her and other times, not. For the most part, I had assuaged my guilt for giving in to my coven, my family, but never really Ok. In my actions of giving in to them, I had betrayed myself. When I left her that day in the forest.

I did catch one rather blurry series of images of Bella, and it scared me beyond anything I could've ever imagined.

BPOV

Staring down at the rolling seas below, in a half courageous, half desperate grab for an overwhelming feeling of rush, I leap heading more quickly than I anticipated toward the icy, ocean waters below. In the mili second it took to hit the surface, a flash, an insight, almost a look in beyond the mortal coil. Completely by surprise- a clarity, a split second, "Oh. My. God. I. Love. Alice."

APOV

I didn't see anything specific in her mind, but I felt like I could go to her, in hopes that she would welcome me, at least listen.

Yeah, I'm assuming she's a combination of hurt, angry confused, and probably well, I can't even predict what else. I have to be ready for anything, I guess.

Even though, I can't wait, to see her. I haven't looked into her eyes or put my arms around her in so long, and I hope that I can figure my way around everything that she'll want to put voice to. Maybe I can convince her to forgive me.

Not sure what that jump from the cliffs was, but I assume that it's complicated, and probably not just a product of one motivator. She may be grasping for a thrill to liven up the feelings that my leaving induced into her young, heart broken life. I think, too, she may've wanted to do what she saw Jacob's friends do, as she seems to have that tom girl streak. She's got a renegade side being Charlie's only kid, no son for him. And their bond has an unconventional quality to it. It's probably a ton of other stuff that I hope I am in her life close enough and long enough to learn about. When we can look back on this difficult time and laugh that we got through it, stronger and closer in spite of it.

I need to tell her how sorry I am, what a tragic misjudgment I made. I can't tell her about being mates, or that I am hopelessly and irrevocably in love with her, but I think, she already knows. That may work for me, or it may work against me. She may just now be figuring out that she has feelings for me. The pixelated and broken images that I received, didn't really include any of her thoughts going over the cliffs. But I may see a change and it feels in my soul and in my heart that it could be an amends, that hopefully will result in her being able to forgive me.

The only thing I could clearly make out is that she'll see my Dad's car parked outside her house when she returns. The ER visit will mess with some of my timing. Charlie will be called away and Jacob will continue his rant, when they arrive. Trying his best, the Animal in him, the natural enemy of my Monster, to steer her decisions of who she should spend her time with. It's many things for him, a gender thing, a species thing, a cultural thing, and a pride thing. All of it. Poor boy, doesn't stand a chance. She'll be conflicted because he's been loyal and they've been in each other's lives for so long. She knows hurt and disappointment, so she'll want to spare him that, hoping that he may intrinsically or intuitively read her so she won't have to say anything that is a blatant rejection. Those feelings are fresh for her (thanks to Me) so she has compassion for him, as I do for her.

I'll have to let her swat at my reaching for her, let her push me away. That is after all what she feels I did to her when I left. I have to bear the range of anger, hurt, disappointment, maybe other emotions that I've not anticipated.

She may even send me away, not let me in to plead for her forgiveness, I am not sure. If she does, so be it, I'll survive the night. If I can at least see her, look in her eyes, and give her some hope that in a matter of a couple hours, the recent pain has been flipped 180 degrees. Not unlike when I created said pain, in less than an afternoon, catching her completely off guard.

I've made it here, her shock and disbelief initially giving way to a broader range of emotions. First, she can't trust that I"ve returned, then how could I have left in the first place. The pendulum of emotion goes back and forth. She's yelled and slapped at me, her hurt arising in a burst of flailing hands, not intending to hurt me, just frustrated. Hitting isn't her style anyway, it's just an outcome of the recent past, feeling her powerlessness. I reach to catch her hands in mid swing in hopes to touch her. But mostly, to try and make sure that she doesn't accidently make contact and hurt herself. I am so relieved that she is alright, not knowing how to interpret that cryptic series of images. Not seeing her emerge from the deep, freezing ocean. Momentarily my dead heart, broken. I guess that made us even for a time, briefly, as I had broken hers.

LATER

By the grace of some power greater than I could fathom of my own flawed making, she let's me pull her into my arms and she breaks like the little girl that she still is. So conflicted to both seek comfort from me while knowing that I am the cause of her pain. But, her compassion exceeds an agenda to hold a grudge or to punish, and fortunately for me, she is also glad that I have returned and have promised that I will never leave her again. Her eyes are alight with the promise of the pain of my departure, the nightmare she has endured, has ended. I think she believes me when she buries her face between my ear and shoulder and warns me that if I ever break that promise, to never leave her, I'll live all eternity to regret it

The tears have stopped and she's spent, it seems. The physical, demonstrative intimacy that we shared before I left, returns as she moves toward her small bed, lays down pulling me with her. She fits right back into her spot against me, as if these months never passed. She got to say how it's been for her, and she now settles in, turning her face away from me for a few minutes. It's calm in her modest room, finally. I feel her soft, warm, human body grasp me as she let's some quiet be here between us. I like when it's quiet, peaceful, and I'm so relieved, content holding her.

Some time passes, she's not asleep, just still. She extracts herself from beside me, standing up and she paces a few times. Something has sparked in her. She turns toward me, before telling me she'll be right back. Something is different, but I don't know what it is.

I'm blindsided, a flash, a vision, not more than a second and a half -almost a firecracker going off in my head. The imagery intense but brief. I'm caught completely off guard but I don't let it manifest in my demeanor.

She returns and crawls back into bed. Propping herself up on her elbow the side of her head resting in her palm

She's not saying anything, just looking into my eyes. She got up to take care of human tasks and returns smelling of mint toothpaste, and changed into sleepwear She stares into my eyes, stroking my forearm but not saying anything. I don't know what this means, but I don't care, the energy in the room has shifted, and I have all the time in the world, eternity even, to stare back into those beautiful eyes. Briefly, I think that she must be tired but she seems awake, alight even with something burning in her, but I don't have a clue what. Unless? Is this what I've been waiting for, finally it's here?

Sure, I anticipated as much as I could the range of emotion that she'd possibly exhibit. And, when it was all out, calm had taken over, she surprises me. The quiet, the looking in my eyes, no words, just her hand, the back of her hand stroking my forearm. Her gaze grows more intense, but no words. I don't want to fuck with the silence. The intensity of it is a lead in, and I don't want to interfere. Tick, tick, tick. Tension is building, anticipation really. There's no clue in my head, no vision, just me in the moment, waiting.

Then, as if it's the only option left, she slides her hand across my arm to my lower back and pulls me toward her. Her eyes close and she leans in brushing her lips against mine. Warmer, softer and more intense than anything my mind could've imagined, her mouth and warm breath and tongue mixed with mine. We reach and touch and kiss for what feels like hours though I know it is only a few minutes. Her soft feminine body is aroused quickly under my hands and my mouth.

I had expected a couple outcomes from my return, but this caught me completely by surprise. We made love simply and effortlessly, and afterward, bare skin warm against me, she's gone rag doll almost literally dead weight on my chest. Her head turned sideways, her shoulders, the front of her arms flush against me, all the way down to the backs of her hands. She's completely spent, trying to keep up with me, stubborn, competitive, and now resigned. Asleep in under a minute. And, if I could cry at how beautiful she is, right now, this second, her forgiveness, her courage, her humanness, I'd be on my knees, weeping. Yeah, I'm in love with her. After all, as if there was ever any doubt.

APOV

With nothing to do but hold her while she sleeps, my mind wanders replaying how beautiful a small sliver of time can be. Until I see that Charlie will be arriving shortly. I emerge from under a sleeping Bella to search her room for a scented candle, light it and tuck the covers around her to hide her nakedness in the event he wants to make sure she's actually here. I slip down the hall to wash my hands and face.

I'm sitting on the couch when Charlie comes through the front door.

This was the riot act I had to endure from him when I showed up unannounced after my family left and she had taken the leap from the cliffs. I had returned, hoping beyond hope she was Ok. Even without official confirmation of the leanings of the relationship, decorated detective and chief of police knew the score and didn't let me off the hook even though he didn't come out and say anything specific. The subtext was all there. He held me on the plane of a committed, serious part of his daughter's life, and on the hook for how events had gone down. What could I say, he was right. I met his eyes and owned my part. I left, my family left, I wasn't specific of course, but I never looked away from his eyes or faltered in agreeing with him. Poor Charlie, twisting in all his parenting angst about his only child's behavior the last five months.

I didn't see it in a vision, what his demands were, but from a human perspective, it made perfect sense.

He insisted on the formal parental meeting after my family returned from South America. I'm sure it would be the men, the fathers, and knowing Esme she'd probably show up to stand by Carlisle. And, defer to him because Renee wouldn't be able to be there. It's a guy thing, anyway, they'll be more at ease, if they don't have to talk about their daughters in front of a woman unless there's two women there, which kinda balances it out, making it less awkward. I'm guessing, anyway. And, I'm sure it won't be easy for Charlie especially. Fathers and daughters, that's a special deal, even if the boyfriend is actually a girlfriend, or whatever gives it the gravity that it deserves since this is more than a friendship albeit undefined scenario. Behaving, subtly but consistently, in our hearts and souls, affectionate, caring and committed. But, it's easier for Carlisle because he's a doctor and he knows what our family is. Charlie is just a human Dad, so not as much of the real story. But, I still think there's the awkward Dad thing for Carlisle, too. I think he's just used to certain things because of dealing with humans, anatomy, life and death. But, I don't want to be within ten miles of which ever residence that 'lil chat takes place. No siree, keep me away from that.

BPOV

"I'm glad that you're feeling better, that you're back to normal but you're not out of the woods yet- "

I figured at some point the relief would wear off, and he'd eventually start asking questions or step into parent mode, and less than a day later, I'm right.

"I'm concerned about the rabbit hole, the months that you were so sad, couldn't do anything, one foot in front of the other, just barely."

I looked him in the eye, knowing what my feelings are, still buzzing and a flush in my soul and my body. The secret night I just spent, intimately, making love with Alice. Charlie got the call of my being pulled from the water, and insisted I go to the ER. Alice waiting for me when I got home.

He'd let me sleep pretty much the whole day, only checking on me to make sure that I was truly in my bed as he hoped.

"And, I'm glad things have worked out like you wanted, but I can't let you just go back as if those frightening months never happened. Think about this, see someone, talk it out. Don't let your initial fear keep you from seeing a bigger picture.

He paused.

"I contacted one of the departments' professionals, to get a referral."

I knew there'd be a price to pay for the months of lethargy, for the spontaneous leap, for all of it, this I didn't expect.

"I'll go with you, you won't be there alone the first time, I'll be next to you. Or in the waiting room, for as long as you want."

"Oh, and, this isn't a negotiation, this is how it's going to be. We'll do what the professional recommends."

I rolled my eyes, I figured he'd probably have something up his sleeve. And, he was hesitating, he wasn't done just yet.

"You should know, I'll be having a talk with Dr. Cullen. The parents, together."

My heart dropped, my stomach lurched, I felt dizzy. I tried to look normal as I glanced up to meet his eyes.

"Charlie, -what could possibly be worrying you that- "

"You don't want me to answer that, do you?"

"No, no, please, forget I said anything." I wasn't going to talk him out of that one.

"Parents do this kind of thing, Bella. I was so worried recently and although it's better now, I still have my concerns."

"I guess that's not a negotiation, either?"

"Uh. No."

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