DISCLAIMER: I do not own Numb3rs.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a minor self-insert. "Merry" is my self-insert fanfiction name. Pretty much this is a conversation I'd love to have with Charlie. It gets political at the end, Democrats/Liberals may not see the humor. To avoid being flamed in the reviews: I know it's partisan. I know it might be offensive. I know all this. Telling me how offensive and partisan I am will not tell me anything I don't know. Thank you for your attention, that is all.

THE GREATEST MYSTERY

"You can really solve everything with numbers?"

Charlie sat back in his seat and regarded the student in front of him. "Just about."

"Sounds like you've had this discussion before," the student-Merry, Charlie remembered-said.

"I have."

"Lots of times."

"Merry…"

"So how?" Merry challenged.

Charlie furrowed his brow. "Well…give me a problem."

Merry didn't miss a beat. "I'm a gymnast," she said. "I just did a back flip. I missed and landed on my knees. Use math to tell me why."

"OK." Charlie grabbed a piece of paper off the corner of his desk and wrote out an equation. "This x is your height. The y is the distance from the ground you need to achieve in order to properly do the skill. If we solved this equation, we would learn exactly how high you need to go to land on your feet." He quickly scratched out the answer and handed it to Merry.

Merry looked at the answer and quirked an eyebrow at him. "How'd you know how tall I am?"

"I didn't," Charlie admitted. "I took a guess."

"Oh." Merry studied the equation. "This is how high I have to get?"

Charlie nodded.

"Dang." Merry put the paper back on the table. "I either need stronger legs or another sport."

Charlie chuckled. "Convinced?"

Merry shook her head. "I'm a police officer who just arrived on the scene of an accident. I need to figure out how fast the car was going when it hit the telephone pole. How would I use math to do that?"

Charlie suppressed a sigh. He appreciated inquisitive students, but this one was really beginning to annoy him. "Like this." He wrote out another equation. "This a is the depth of the dent in the bumper. B is the velocity of the car when it struck the telephone pole. First I need to solve for a." Charlie scribbled out the solution. "There's a twelve-inch indent in the front bumper. Now I can determine how fast the car was going." He solved it. "Here it is."

Merry looked at the paper. "OK."

"So I've convinced you," Charlie stated.

Merry didn't respond for a second. Then she glanced up at him with a devious glint in her eye. "I've got it."

Charlie looked at his pupil, amused. "Do tell."

Merry leaned forward. "Why do people vote Democrat?"

Charlie blinked. "Huh?"

"Why do people vote Democrat?" Merry repeated.

"Uh…" Charlie cleared his throat. "You want me to use math to solve that?"

Merry nodded.

Charlie hated to admit it, but there was no easy answer. "You know what, Merry?" He asked. "Let me think about that and I'll tell you next class."

"All right," Merry agreed, but Charlie had a feeling she knew she was getting a professorial brush-off. "Thanks, Dr. Eppes." She got up to leave.

"Anytime," Charlie said, watching his student go. She ran right into Don on her way out.

"Oh! Sorry, sir," Merry apologized.

"No, that's OK," Don assured her. "One of your mathematically challenged students?" He guessed, stepping into Don's office.

Charlie nodded, rubbing his forehead. "Don? Why do people vote Democrat?"

Don paused, clearly puzzled by such a question from his politically ignorant brother. "Huh?"

"That's what she just asked me." Charlie picked his head up to look at Don.

"Why?"

"I was trying to show her how math is applicable to the real world," Charlie explained. "I told her to ask me a question and I'd use math to solve it."

"And she asked you why people vote Democrat?"

"Yeah." Charlie rested his chin on his hand. "And you know what? I couldn't answer."

Don laughed a little. "But you're gonna try, aren't you?"

"You bet your sidearm." Charlie resolutely grabbed a piece of paper.

"Well, you can do it at home after dinner." Don patted Charlie's shoulder.

"All right," Charlie rose to follow his brother out the door. "So what are the constants and variables…" he muttered under his breath.

Don laughed. "Are you really going to use math to figure out why people vote Democrat?"

"Absolutely." Charlie followed his brother out the door. "Using math, we can solve the greatest mysteries we know."