Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. Characters belong to Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien (and whoever owns the rights now).
Fried Fish recipe taken from Food Network- Fried Fish with Smashed Chips Recipe: Food Network Kitchens
The scene opens on a hobbit kitchen. Sam Gamgee is standing behind a table cluttered with heaps of food items, with a stove and oven behind him. To his right is Rosie (standing next to a sink and counter filled with bowls and kitchen utensils) and to his left is Gollum/Smeagol, who is poking around Sam's canned preserves.
Sam: Hello! This is Samwise Gamgee here! Welcome to Cooking With Sam Gamgee, the most awesome show in Middle Earth! To my right is my beautiful wife Rosie Cotton Gamgee, and to my left is my cooking partner, Smeagol (or Gollum, depending on his mood).
Rosie: Hello! (curtsies)
Gollum: Precious smells fishes.
Sam: Okaaay. Let's get started! Today's recipe is: (drumroll) Fried Fish with Smashed Chips!
Gollum: I knew precious smelled fishes!
Rosie: Sounds like a great idea Sam!
Sam: Alright! The first thing you need when cooking are your ingredients!
For today's recipe, your ingredients are:
1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
2 cups cold good-quality wheat beer
2 pounds small red-skinned new or baby potatoes
Gollum: Taters? Those are taters, precious?
Rosie: Yes.
Gollum: Bleh!
Sam: Continuing on...
Fine sea salt
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
Freshly ground pepper
Vegetable oil, for deep-frying
3 pounds center-cut haddock, pollock or hake fillet, cut into thick strips
1/3 cup roughly chopped fresh parsley
Malt vinegar, for serving (optional)
So, first,
Whisk the flour and baking powder in a medium bowl and make a well in the center. Gradually whisk the beer into the well to make a smooth, thin batter. Cover and refrigerate at least 1 hour. (You can make the batter up to 12 hours in advance; it gets better the longer it sits.)
Preheat the oven to 400. Cover the potatoes with water in a medium pot and add a pinch of salt. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat and cook until fork-tender, about 20 minutes. Drain and pat dry. Toss the potatoes with the melted butter and spread on a baking sheet. Slightly flatten each potato with a spatula (do not mash completely) and season with salt and pepper. Roast in the oven until crisp and golden, 15 to 20 minutes.
Meanwhile, heat 2 inches of vegetable oil in a heavy-bottomed pot over medium heat until a deep-fry thermometer registers 375 degrees. Season the fish all over with salt and pepper. Working in batches, dip the fish into the batter, let the excess drip off and lower into the hot oil. Fry until evenly brown, turning with tongs, about 2 minutes per side. Transfer to a paper-towel-lined plate to drain.
Transfer the potatoes to bowls or plates along with the fried fish. Sprinkle with the parsley and serve with malt vinegar, if desired.
Later...
Scene: A neatly set table with a white and red tablecloth, crystal goblets, and silver plates. Again, Sam is in the middle, with Rosie on his right and Gollum on his left.
Sam: This looks like a beautiful meal!
Smeagol: Taters aren't bad, precious! Precious likes taters!
Sam: See, I told you so!
Smeagol: Precious still likes raw fish better.
Sam: (sigh) You're not AS hopeless now...
Rosie: Tune in next time to Cooking With Sam Gamgee!
Sam: Hey, that's my line!
Rosie: You were busy...
Sam: Anyway, next time on Cooking With Sam Gamgee, we're going to be making dessert!
Smeagol: What's dessert, precious?
Sam and Rosie: You'll see...