Joker heard the footsteps coming closer, soft but somewhat long strided, too light to be male, and since there was only a small amount of women on board, he knew who it was... He winced and hit a button on the huge console in front of him, sending a shudder of beeps across the projection screen. Nothing. Shit! Turn off! He bit down on his lower lip and tapped the button repeatedly, in a rush to exit the view screen he'd been watching. Just as sweat began to bead on his forehead, the screen cleaned, switched to black and a tiny message typed across the screen; 'Link closed.'
Thank the space gods. He thought, giving a slight sigh of relief, and turned his head just in time to see the Commander take her last stride and stop beside him. "Hey, Commander." Joker nodded, unable to break the habit he'd picked up in those long months of serving her. He'd adapted it at first to show he had manners, that he wasn't just a sarcastic pilot who happened to suffer an uncurable disease, but now, after time had passed, it was more a signal of respect and... well... let's stick with respect. He did his best to look innocent.
"Heya, Joker." The easy going tones of the Commander replied as she slipped her long, fine fingers onto her hips. She didn't sound angry, or even slightly annoyed, which surprised Joker since he'd been listening in on those damn council aliens ordering her around, and unlike her he'd overheard the comments they'd made about her after. He'd been so caught up in the aliens chat about the Commander that he hadn't heard her approaching, and thus the situation had begun.
She wasn't in formal mood, which surprised him more still, but she'd settled into her fun side, the side he loved most of all - the mood she usually only adapted when they stopped on the Citadel for one of their much needed breaks. Something wasn't right...
"So, uh, how'd the meeting go?" Joker asked slowly, trying to hide the fact he'd heard every word and knew it hadn't gone well. In an effort to hide the truth he kept his eyes on one of the various screens and kept fiddling around with the buttons on the console.
The Commander's laugh echoed in the small space, free and happy for the briefest moment. "Oh, come on, Joker! I know you better than that. Don't try and pretend you weren't listening in." The smirk she gave was the same smirk that made mens heart rates increase.
Joker glanced at her from the corner of his eyes, then sighed in amusement and threw up his hands in fake alarm. "Okay, so I've been caught! Yeah, Commander, I was listening in - yeah, yeah, as usual." He added the last part when he noticed the look on her face. He turned in his chair to better see her, his expression darkening slightly. "They chewed you out again, huh?"
The Commander sighed, lifted her hands slightly as she shrugged and sunk into the seat nearest Joker, leaning over so her arms rested on her knees and her eyes were on the floor. She looked much like a teenager who was waiting in the principals office to be suspended... or worse. "What do you want me to say, Joker? You saw it all. I'm still going over it in my head." She lifted her gaze, crystal blue eyes fixing on him. "Did I do the wrong thing in letting Kaidan die?"
Joker watched her, listening intently, and when she turned those intense blue pools to him he found he was struggling to breath. In an attempt to catch himself, he looked back at the screens, leant back in his chair and took a deep, steady breath. "I dunno, Commander. If I had all the answers, I'd be a God." He turned his head to look at her, a slight smirk creeping across his face.
The Commander chuckled, sitting up properally, and stretched slightly as if trying to ease the huge weight which had formed on her shoulders. "Ah, Joker... you always know just what not to say." She chuckled, definately being sarcastic, and he had to admire her courage.
He continued to watch as she focused her gaze on one of the screens, and stared a little too intently into the space that spread before them, glowing ebony with stray stars dancing about in the distance. But they both knew she wasn't watching the galaxy - she was reliving that moment... that moment when she'd been forced to choose.
Joker looked down, and found that the floor was suddenly so intresting. He tried to come up with something smart to say, anything to ease the pain, but found himself clueless as to what would help. He loved her. He'd always loved her. Well, not always, since they hadn't gotten along at all when they'd first met, but since this last mission, and perhaps the one before, he'd found himself worrying more and more for her safety. He found his stomach churning with unease everytime she wandered onto some unexplored planet, a migrain gaining weight in his mind as her comm messages got staticy, and worse, when he actually lost her signal. He'd tried to hard to ignore those feelings, hiding behind his sense of humor and such, but in the end it had been mass failure.
So to avoid thinking about her, he began listening in to the conversations taking place around the Normandy. And it was because of that he'd noticed Kaidan's growing interest in the Commander, the way they talked and... flirted. It made him angry, but he'd pushed it aside, just kept smiling, and decided that it was better that way. Hell, kept him out of trouble anyway.
But then they'd come back from that last mission... and Kaidan hadn't been with them... And Joker had been trying to figure out why ever since.
He sighed, the sound catching in his throat, and he touched a random button on his console to study the screen it brought up. He casually glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes and said quietly; "Commander... I know it couldn't have been easy down there. Choosing between Williams and Alenko, I..." he paused. I what? I'm glad she chose Williams? I want to know why she did it? Why did she let him die? I... "I don't think I could have done it. I'm sorry." His gaze dropped.
He felt her eyes on him, those intense, vibrant blue eyes that made men drown when they looked into them. As endless as the sky and as deep as the sea. He felt her smile, those warm, full lips curving upwards only slightly, revealing that slight overbite she had which suited her so well. "Oh, Joker..."
That soft, still voice. He lifted his gaze and looked at her. "Commander?" She'd paused, and he wanted to know why. His brow furrowed slightly as he waited.
She watched him still, that sad smile on her face. "I feel so selfish. Like I let him down... I didn't know who to choose... Ash is my best friend, and Kaidan--" She cut herself off and her head fell into her open hands. She wasn't crying, not yet, but was so close.
Joker's reaction was immediate. He leant across and put a hand on her shoulder. "Commander, I know. You loved him. It must be hard." He was about to add something when she suddenly shook her head and gave a sob.
"No! I didn't love him! That's why I chose Ash!" She managed to get the words out, but then just surrendered to her sobs. Her shoulders shook, her fringe fell around her hands but the rest of her dark hair was contained within her ponytail.
Joker didn't know what to say. He felt like he'd been hit across the back of his head with a very heavy hammer. She didn't love him? The realization hadn't quite sunk in. But I saw them talking, heard them flirting, saw him try to kiss her! Whats-- He withdrew his hand and took his hat off to run his fingers through his hair. He needed to think, needed to figure out what she'd meant. He could only watch in stunned silence as she cried all her tears, and soon enough she had sat up, wiped her face and left no evidence that she had been crying at all.
Joker replaced his hat, trying to look natural, but couldn't help wondering how many times before she had wiped her tears and put on that same fake outlook. "Commander..." He said softly, trying as gently as possible to urge her to explain.
She didn't look at him. The Commander sighed, and looked absently at the floor. "I didn't love him, Joker. I never did. I talked to him just like I did to everyone else, but he began to see something that wasn't there. And like a fool, I encouraged it." She sighed in annoyance and shook her head. "When he started flirting with me, I should have stopped, but I just flirted back... I thought it was all a game to try and keep our morale up, and then when he tried to kiss me, I-- Well, you saw, like you always do." She couldn't help but give a light smile and looked his way, eyes full of understanding.
Joker smiled softly, but it soon fell and he shook his head. "Commander, you didn't love him? I thought-- I mean... It makes sense, but... but--"
"But he died for me?" The Commander cut in.
Joker nodded. Just once, a single nod to show they had the same thought at the same instant. "Yes. Yes, he did. Don't get me wrong, Commander, we all would. You're more than a Commander, your a... friend." He shrugged his shoulders lightly and offered a slight smirk.
The Commander nodded. "I know. I've always thought of the crew as friends more than anything. Sometimes family. Now more than ever." She straightened up slightly, a look of determination on her face. "I let him die because I was afraid of what he was feeling for me. But also because I was so scared of losing my best friend. I owe Ash an explanation." She got to her feet, and turned to go.
"Commander." Joker used the arm of his seat to help him up. He stood, leaning heavily on the console to keep the weight off his legs, and watched her.
The Commander turned back to him, eyes focused, a confused look written on her face. "Joker?"
Joker paused for a second, watching her, eyes fixed on hers, somehow able to ignore the flashing lights of the consoles and the beepings of the commands initiating all around them. In his eyes, she was all he saw. All he ever saw. "I'd die for you, too. Any day of the week. And if I was Alenko... It's a choice I'd never regret." He smiled confidently at her then.
The Commander's face lit up into that smile that everyone loved so much. "Joker... thank you." She smiled, and for an instant it looked like she was going to hug him, but then she seemed to return to her senses and remember she'd probably break something or other, what with his disease. Still smiling, she turned, and half walked, half skipped down the corridor which led to the map room, and then on to the stairs which led to the elevator which would take her to the garage.
Joker knew that was where she was heading. After all, she was going to talk to Williams, and Ashley Williams was always in the garage at her work bench. He smirked as he watched her go, partially because he knew she was feeling better, but more because he adored the view.