There are days when Feliks enjoys life.
He smiles, he laughs. He meets with his friends, he's not afraid to leave his bed, he doesn't mind going out. He loves the feeling of the sun caressing his skin, the wind gently blowing through his hair. He feels brave enough to wear the clothes he wants and ignores the feeling of other people's eyes on him. He doesn't mind the crowded corridors of his school, doesn't care whether people talk about him. He feels good in his own skin and isn't afraid to admit he's a little bit different than everyone. He feels loved, and strong, and important.
Today wasn't one of these.
He wakes up with a dull ache in his head and a familiar, suffocating weight on his chest. A burning feeling in his eyes reminds him of something - right, he was crying and must've fallen asleep. His bedroom is dark, so he didn't sleep for long, it's still night. His ears are ringing, and his thoughts quietly speak to him in his mind. They're never good. It's always like his mind is against him. Instead of trying to make him feel better, it just makes him more and more aware of all his unwanted feelings. He wants to somehow turn it off, but it's not possible, is it? He's tried many times, many different things, but it never works.
He reaches for the nightstand to grab his phone, and momentarily stops himself. Memories flood to his head; suddenly he's aware why he fell asleep in tears. For a while he wonders whether he should leave the phone where it is, not touch it until he feels better again. But then he wonders - will he ever feel better again? The one person he trusted enough to tell his feelings to has…..
He takes his phone and unlocks it.
It's still on the messaging page. Feliks scrolls to the top, and reads all the messages he had gotten yesterday.
From: Baby
9:38 PM
I can't keep this going anymore, I'm sorry
From: Baby
9:39 PM
I swear, it's not about you, Liks. I love you, I really do. I honestly wish this could be avoided, but I don't think I can do this anymore, not like that
From: Baby
9:44 PM
I'm worried about you, so much Feliks, it's way too much for me to handle. Everything about you is so… complicated, I can't keep up, I don't even know what to think. I feel so useless and overwhelmed. I know I promised I'll be there for you, but I don't think I can.
From: Baby
9:49 PM
I'm really so sorry. I can't possibly understand you, I can't help you, I can't support you. I thought the least I could do is be there for you when you need me to, but this whole situation is just too much for me. It confuses me, worries me, makes me question every damn thing I know. I feel like the longer I am with you, it makes things worse, not only for me, but you as well.
From: Baby
9:53 PM
You should find someone who's able to support you, who understands you, who knows how to help. And I'm not someone like that. I don't know what to do when you have panic attacks, I don't know what to do when you talk to me about what you feel. I feel as if I don't know anything. The things you talk to me about… they terrify me. I'm scared of what you're experiencing, it's just too much. I'm scared one day you would demand an answer, something from me, and I wouldn't be able to give it to you. I don't want to keep this up, this is not right for both of us.
From: Baby
9:56 PM
I love you. I really do. It's the one thing I do know. And I really am so, so, so sorry to do this to you. I'm not asking you to understand, or ever forgive me. But please, don't take it personally. It's my fault, not yours. I love you.
He's crying again.
He's always known it was too good to be true. Toris is… perfect. And Feliks is not. It was obvious from the start it would end like this. Feliks was afraid this day would come for years now. When finally Toris realizes exactly how many things are wrong with Feliks. And so he leaves. And Feliks has no idea what to do.
The one person that's ever made him feel secure in this world, has left him. And all because Feliks is not like everyone else. Because his emotions are a mess, because he sees no sense in existing, because he has no strength to even get out of bed some days.
Toris had told him many times he should talk to a professional. That maybe medication would help, talking with someone who's experienced in dealing with people like him would help. Feliks never listened. If he would have, Toris wouldn't have left, would he? Maybe Feliks would feel better. Maybe Feliks would feel anything other than that annoying mix of pain, sadness and fatigue.
He lays there, thinking for what feels like hours. Then gets up - he doesn't feel like it, but there's something that needs to be done. And what better time than now?
He goes to the bathroom, closes the door behind himself, and slides to the floor.
One by one, Feliks checks his contact list. Would there be anyone to say goodbye to?
Alfred. Toris's friend, they only met a couple times, but Feliks rather likes him. He's nice, happy, funny. Normal. Someone better for Toris's life than Feliks.
Lizzy. The closest Feliks has to what could be called a best friend. She has no idea about anything, though. Feliks has always been to scared to tell her. And now, there's no need to.
Toris…. Feliks wants to call, wants to wail to him about all the anxiety going through his body and his mind screaming at him to let go of this cruel world. But Toris doesn't want to listen. So Feliks won't bother him. He already bothered him so much, he made him uneasy, he did everything wrong, of course. He never does anything right, after all.
He types a couple words, and then hits send. He smiles sadly at his phone, before putting it on the ground. He goes over to the sink, and gets everything he needs. Sleeping pills, a razor blade, a cup of water. He takes one final look at his phone, and then gets to work.
He's had enough of this world. Time to finally let go.
To: Lizzy
12:03 AM
I'm sorry I was always such a bad friend. Goodbye.
To: Baby
12:03 AM
I'm sorry for everything. I love you. Goodbye.
From: Lizzy
12:05 AM
What do you mean?
From: Baby
12:05 AM
Are things bad?
From: Baby
12:06 AM
Do you want me to come over?
From: Lizzy
12:08 AM
Is everything okay?
From: Baby
12:10 AM
Feliks please, I know what I said, but if things are really bad I can come, just please, text me back
From: Lizzy
12:12 AM
Feliks, cmon. What's going on? We can talk if something's not okay
Missed call from: Lizzy - 12:14 AM
Missed call from: Lizzy - 12:15 AM
From: Baby
12:15 AM
I love you, I really do
From: Baby
12:16 AM
I know I said I can't deal with this anymore but if things are really this bad, at least talk to me on the phone, please. I wanna know you're okay
Missed call from: Lizzy - 12:16 AM
Missed call from: Lizzy - 12:17 AM
From: Lizzy
12:18 AM
Why aren't you answering?
Missed call from: Lizzy - 12:18 AM
Missed call from: Baby - 12:18 AM
Missed call from: Lizzy - 12:19 AM
Missed call from: Lizzy - 12:19 AM
Missed call from: Lizzy - 12:19 AM
Missed call from: Baby - 12:19 AM
Missed call from: Baby - 12:19 AM
Missed call from: Baby - 12:19 AM
Missed call from: Baby - 12:19 AM
Missed call from: Baby - 12:19 AM
From: Baby
12:20 AM
Feliks for the love of God please, let me know you're okay
From: Baby
12:21 AM
Just a simple text, anything
From: Baby
12:21 AM
It won't be awkward if you call, I promise. Just please, anything
From: Baby
12:22 AM
Please don't do this
From: Baby
12:23 AM
Please, whatever you're thinking or doing, I am not upset nor angry with you, I broke up with you because I'm an idiot. We can still fix this. Just please, don't hurt yourself
From: Baby
12:23 AM
I love you
From: Baby
12:25 AM
I'm calling an ambulance
From: Lizzy
12:26 AM
Feliks, I hope this isn't some sort of a stupid joke, I'm really worried now
From: Baby
12:31 AM
I'll be there soon. Please be okay
From: Lizzy
12:35 AM
I really hope you didn't do anything stupid Feliks….
From: Lizzy
12:38 AM
You better be okay and just being a dick, or else you don't wanna know what I'm gonna do with you
From: Lizzy
12:39 AM
I won't be able to sleep til I know you're okay, you idiot. Coming over. Be there in 10