"To be blind is not to be miserable; not to be able to bear blindness, that is miserable." - John Milton (Kanda)
"I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." - Robin Williams (Allen)
(Kanda POV)
People are annoying. The world is annoying. Why do I bother living in it? Kanda whined to himself in his mind. The cane in his hand smacked against every surface Kanda came across, the sound loud and mocking to the blind man's ears. Kanda was born blind, you see. He hated being blind, he hated everything about it. A person could be flipping him off and Kanda wouldn't know.
It filled him with bitterness to think about it, but there were a lot of things he wouldn't and couldn't know because he was blind. His loving father had begun long ago to try and convince Kanda to get a helper, someone who could see to help him in his everyday life. His father even went so far as to hire a few of them to see if Kanda could stand their help, but Kanda was unable to tolerate each one's presence for more than a day.
As helpless and alone as Kanda felt being unable to see the people and the world around him, Kanda felt even more so with assistants narrating and describing everything to him and always trying to latch onto him so he wouldn't get lost in the street.
I'm not a child, dammit! Kanda seethed. Even though Kanda had weaknesses, he knew that he was capable of taking care of himself. He used the senses he honed through training and meditation to sense objects around him and make sure he didn't run into anything.
He used his obnoxious cane to make sure nothing touched HIM. His hearing was also better than most people's. He'd honed that sense through training, as well, but it was also strengthened by the fact that it was never weakened by sight.
It wasn't always enough, but it was all Kanda could do and he wouldn't rely on someone he couldn't even see to do it for him. He's never been comfortable relying on others and Kanda doubted he would ever be comfortable with it. Even if he truly felt that he needed someone else; he would not allow himself to be hurt by an invisible person.
Kanda's world was pitch black.
(Allen POV)
The sound of a bell ringing signified the end of classes for the day. Allen walker began packing up his supplies while his peers got up from their seats and exited the usual group of Tokusa, Tewaku, Madarao, Kiredori, Goushi and Link grouped around him. The group of college students always hung around each other if they were nearby.
"That was a really hard lesson." Tokusa said, conversationally. Even though he said that, he had his usual pleasant smile on his face.
"I know!" Tewaku whined. Her voice always got on Allen's nerves, but he never said anything about it; he always tried to be nice. After all, Allen's father raised him to be polite, but that wasn't the main reason why he never voiced his irritation with her.
None of them were ever fully honest with each other. They hung out together and talked with each other and judged people together. Other people called them friends and so did they, but Allen knew they weren't friends in the way that normal people were friends. He didn't feel the way about them that one would generally feel about the closest friends they have. He did not feel he could trust them and rightfully so.
None of them really trusted each other with their worries or secrets or fears; they weren't together because they cared. They were all well-suited to each other in sports, invested in their education and with the abilities to be both outgoing and thoughtfully reserved; they were all uniquely driven individuals.
In their college, The Order, they were one of those rare groups that not many students were part of, but everyone knew weren't popular, but everyone saw them, watched them and wondered about them. In fact, they might just have been some of the most unpopular students there. As a group (and often as individuals), they were unemotional and judgmental and closed up. A few of them wouldn't even talk if it was to someone who wasn't in their little group.
Out of everyone, Allen, Link and Tokusa were the more outgoing ones, though they often chose not to be. They would usually be the ones to decide what they did as a group and the others would follow. Even though he spent most of his time with them, Allen didn't really know about their pasts or what happened to them before college. He didn't even know their true feelings on most things. He didn't confide in them because they didn't care and they were the same with him and with each other.
This relationship filled Allen with an indescribable loneliness. It made him feel so alone, so uncared for, so unimportant and it was his "friends" that made him feel that way, even if they weren't actively trying to, but that was just how his social life had turned out. At any rate, he had always figured that it was better than being alone.
Lately, though, he had been seeing more the way normal people went with the ones they cared about and that friendship was more than just a contract; an agreement to provide company and entertainment for mutual gain. He was beginning to doubt his belief that loneliness was better than being alone. He was at a point in his life where he felt lower than the ground. His saving grace was Lenalee, his new coworker, but we'll get more to her later.
"Still found it easy, didn't you?" Madarao asked, his usual stoic look on his face.
Tokusa's smile turned sardonic. "Maybe." Tewaku punched Tokusa in the shoulder and he held it, giving a nervous laugh.
Throughout the conversation, Allen had continued to pack up his things without saying a word. Allen had slowly become less active and outspoken within the group as his internal debate about the company he kept waged on. However, he hadn't been showing signs of irritation or wanting to leave the group so, even though some of the others probably noticed the changes with him, they likely didn't think it was enough of a problem to address and deal with.
"So, Allen, what did you think of the test?" All except for Tokusa.
By all rights, the man was annoying in his own way. He was a rather calm and calculated individual, giving off the impression of possessing little to no genuine emotion. It was because of this that people often didn't give him too much credit, but Allen knew otherwise.
Tokusa had a way of noticing things about people that weren't generally noticed. He often unashamedly freaked people out when he deigned to talk to them because he would observe and point out things about them that they didn't even notice, themselves. Which Allen agreed was so creepy. As Allen started to slowly draw away from the group, Tokusa was the one out of all of them that seemed to take an active role in making sure he stayed in it.
He would bring Allen into conversations that he didn't take a part in, asking his opinion completely out of nowhere. He would remind Allen of dates and times when they would be having group outings, reminding him to come even though he knew Allen would. He knew, of course, that Allen hadn't forgotten anything. It was more of an exercise in control and to send multiple messages of "I don't like the thought of you leaving" than to give helpful information.
He was the person Allen had to worry about more than anyone. Allen didn't know what would happen if he got on the guy's bad side, but he really didn't need to find out that way. Even though he was normally outwardly calm and emotionless, Allen knew there was something more bubbling below the surface waiting to creep up should such a necessary situation arise. There was a reason no one outside of their group messed with him.
"It was alright." Allen gave a noncommittal answer, his usual response. A few of the others in the group nodded in agreement. They often did that even if they didn't agree with or didn't have an opinion on whatever Allen said. It was sort of like one of their commitments as members of the group; to agree. The group never argued amongst themselves, it was like an unspoken rule, an unseen pressure.
"Want to go to the mall?" Tokusa asked him after Allen had finished packing up his things.
"I can't. I have my part time job in a half hour, I'll barely get there in time to start my shift." Allen explained, happy to have an excuse to get away from the group. He'd been thinking that he could use the few short moments he had away from his "friends" to really think critically about what path he should be taking in his life. When he was around them, it always seemed to cloud his judgment, like a film obscuring the world.
"Ah, that's right." Tokusa reminisced, serenely. "That job you have at the Samurai Store."
Allen sighed in defeat. He had long since stopped trying to remind them that that was not the name of the store he worked at. They originally coined the phrase because of the large antique samurai display in the front store window.
"I'll see you guys later." Allen said, turning his head to look at the gang. When they nodded/said it back in response, he turned towards the door and all but bolted to his workplace.
(Kanda POV)
I'm almost there...I think. Kanda mused to himself as he felt his way down the street. The problem...one of the many problems Kanda had with being blind was that no matter how many times he went somewhere or how sure he was that he was in the right place, there was always that little seed of doubt that made him think that he might be wrong. SImply because he couldn't see it with his own eyes.
It seemed he could never get used to it. It felt like he was missing out on something that everyone else in the entire world got to experience and he hated it. While he was not shy about stating how much he hated being blind, he never talked about any of the deeper, more emotional issues that surrounded it. He never trusted anyone with that information even his father.
Tiedoll, the man he called dad, was a very kind man, Kanda would admit. The man's only real mistake was that he kept trying to get closer to Kanda. Kanda didn't open up to him about his emotions, didn't let himself feel vulnerable and most definitely didn't tell him when he had problems, but Tiedoll wanted him to. Kanda saw that, but Kanda didn't trust him or anyone else, it wasn't something he reserved only for his father, it was just how he was.
Kanda felt a blow to his side before he could sense the presence, he was too distracted. "Watch where you're going, buddy!" The disembodied voice yelled at him in a voice filled with pure rage before stomping off to parts unknown. Kanda grumbled, his anger and irritation rising quickly, but just continued on his trek, if not in an even worse mood than he had been previously.
He hated being outside. While he could relax and feel vulnerable as much as he wanted in his own home, a place he knew every inch of, he was at the mercy of the world and other people when he was anywhere else. His father usually did most of the shopping and things like that, but Kanda liked to train with his Katana and needed more polish for it.
When he sent Tiedoll out for it, he always forgot something or messed something up. Whether it was going to the wrong store or buying the wrong brand (the most likely, by far) or dropping the can on the way home, it was always something.
And, if he were being honest, Kanda didn't actually mind going to that particular store. There was a nice cashier there that always tried to help him out with his problems. She tried to understand him and his "handicap" to the best of her ability. Besides, the store had a nice stock. Kanda thought that it would be even better if he could actually see the store.