Ahh, nothing like crack writing to cleanse the soul. The title of this addresses both Vio and myself.

Warning(s): 1 curse word, suggestions of violence, spoilers for Four Swords Adventures and Skyward Sword, characters having access to books they really shouldn't have access to

Word count: 717

Whether or not I continue this crack fic of "what is my life" is highly debatable, but have fun, I guess.

It was the final battle. In the Palace of Winds, the Hero of the Four Sword stood up against Vaati, the evil wind mage. His corrupted form hovered, tail lazily dragging across the arena. Several pairs of wings kept him adrift, a far too large eye boring into the young heroes' souls. Maniacal, nearly psychotic laughter echoed throughout the room, the bat monster tilting up with sadistic delight. The Red Link just about peed himself. Vio stepped forward.

Blue called to him with a hushed but firm tone, "Vio, what are you doing? Get back here."

The Link in question held up a hand to silence him. "Don't worry, fam, I got this. I recently read the Hyrule Historia." He shouted up to the villain, "Hey, Vaati! Why are you always kidnapping Zelda, anyways?"

The eye-bat blinked. "For her light force, of course. I thought you were the smart one."

"But why the light force?" He crossed his arms. "Zelda may be the mortal incarnation of the Goddess Hylia, but it's not like she's the most powerful being in Hyrule."

"... What."

"Wait, no-" He gasped. "-Don't tell me. You seriously don't know about…" His voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper, "... Demise?"

"What's a 'Demise'." Vaati gently lowered himself to the ground.

Vio smirked. In the background, Shadow could be faintly heard failing to restrain a swoon. "For your information, Demise is the King of All Evil."

His eye widened. Vio eagerly elaborated:

"Long ago, when the world was new and the Triforce had just been created, he gathered all the monsters and demons of the underworld in an attack against the Goddesses. He was only sealed away by the combined power of Hylia and her champion."

Vaati deflated. "That's normal for villains in this universe."

At that, Vio's smirk became a grin. "But is it normal for villains to come back?"

"Not entirely." His attention was stolen once more.

Vio continued, "After his master's sealing, Demise's demon sword found a way to bring him back. His second attempt at world domination went about as well as his first, the hero and the Goddess sealing him away again, but, this time, Demise left them a little gift. Before he was forced away, the Demon King cursed the Goddesses' Chosen Hero to be plagued by a mortal incarnation of his hatred for the rest of eternity. If the hero was born again, a part of Demise would be there to combat him."

"Why are you telling me this?" He seemed to sneer. "I don't see how a history lesson is going to help me."

Vio raised his hands complacently. "I just thought you'd want to know the full story before we got to the meat of things. Answer me this: who's the villain who's shown up the most?"

His eye narrowed in thought. "Ganon."

"Who seems to have the biggest vendetta against the hero?"

His tail scratched the floor. "Ganon."

"Who has the Triforce of Power?"

His joints went slack, eye wide in realization. "Ganon."

The hero's grin adopted a sense of deviousness. "So, who do you think is the incarnation of Demise's hatred?"

The red of his eye glowed, nonexistent brow furrowing. His short fur stood stiff, entire form trembling. His scorpion-like tail lifted, slamming into the nearby statue of himself, his bellow as loud and dark as thunder. "Ganon!"

Vio nodded. "Oh and by the way, Ganon's been playing you. He's using you to regain his status among monsters. He took over the Dark World while you were out, and is probably planning to kill you himself if we don't do it first. He's kind of a dick."

By this point, a dark, menacing aura had befallen the beast. The ground beneath them began to shake. The heroes looked between the enraged villain and the magical earthquake nervously.

As if only remembering their presence, Vaati barked, "Take the princess, and get out of my sight!"

A rather confused Zelda fell from the sky, landing safely within Green's arms. Without further ado, the party ran. The stone door shut behind them, coming unsettlingly close to catching the end of Red's tunic.

The last they heard of the great wind mage was a slightly more collected command. "Shadow, hold the fort. I need to have 'words' with my 'partner'."