This new story is based on the Rick & Morty episode Get Schwifty. Expect strong language.
Nick & Barry: Get Foxy
Act 1
Outside of Earth, a giant red-skinned gargoyle flies through space. Earth suddenly starts catching fire and land masses start collapsing as winds pick up. On the surface, a man named Ken takes a golf swing in the middle of the storm. A large piece of land drops out in front of him, leaving a large hole. "Hey, golf is easy now!" Ken states as the giant hole got larger, causing him to fall in. "Aahh! Golf is hard again! Golf is hard agaaaaaaain!"
News Anchor Luigi is in a green raincoat and is seen downtown with numerous people panicking in the background as the giant gargoyle stares blankly at Earth. A news title reads "Bat in Earth's Gravity!"
"The view here is the same as yours, Chuck. A giant bat has entered Earth's gravity, triggering climate changes and natural disasters we thought were impossible for at least another eight years."
Chuck Chumley views the situation from the news studio. "Let's not make this political, Luigi. Do we know what this bat wants?"
The gargoyle clears its throat, creating a large wind blast. "SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT."
"Chuck, you heard… said, "Show me what you got." Luigi repeated the gargoyle's words through a spot of static.
"SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT. I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT." The gargoyle repeats, causing a lamp post to fall over behind Luigi, signaling him to run out of frame. From his home, Nick turns off the TV, showing that he and his friend Barry B. Benson were watching the News.
"Oh boy. Time to go, Barry." Nick said as he got up.
"Uhh, where?" Barry asked nervously.
"The Pentagon. I mean, not THE Pentagon. *burp* The lame one, here on Earth." Nick replies as he walks out of frame while Barry flies close behind.
Later, Judy Hopps, Gideon Grey and Vanessa Bloome are standing outside with the winds still blowing strongly. "Is it God? If it is, do we get out of parking duty? Judy asked.
"It's not God, Judy." Vanessa deadpanned.
"She's allowed to think it's god if she wants, Vanessa!" Gideon said.
"Shut up, Gideon." Vanessa glared.
"Ok…" Soon, they see Nick and Barry pull out of the garage in a spaceship.
"Nick, what do you know about this?" Vanessa asked.
"Barry and I are going to look into it. You guys hold tight." Nick replies as they fly off. As they did, Mole arrives on a moped.
"Scary stuff, huh? Pretty creepy. Hi, I'm Mole, Barry's mentor. I'm also part of the street team inviting the folks to the church downtown so we can pray together." Mole said.
"And how is praying going to help?" Vanessa asked.
"Ma'am, a giant bat in the sky is controlling the weather. Did you wanna play checkers? Let's be rational! I'll see you at God's house!" Mole leaves on the moped.
In the Pentagon war room, everyone is arguing amongst one another until Mayor Lionheart calms the chaos. "Gentlemen, gentlemen, one at a time! Wolford?"
"SETI, NORAD, and every broadcaster on the planet are attempting to show this being what humanity's got. String theory, world history, the human genome, to name a few." Wolford states. General Albert Wesker slams his fist on the table.
"Ever thought about sending it launch codes? Mr. Mayor, what our country's got is 70,000 megatons of KABOOM-BOOM! And I say we show it right up this bat's crimson pointy-tailed ass!" Wesker suggested. The argument resumes until a small warp gate appears and Nick and Barry step through.
"Hold it! Don't move!" Two guards approach Nick and Barry with guns.
"Stay back! This ring turns people into snakes!" Nick threatened the guards, who look at Wesker for approval. Albert nods at them and the guards aim their guns, only for a laser to be fired at the guards, causing them to disappear and leave only snakes.
"Stand down. Everybody stand down! I'm the leader of these people and I'm unarmed. There's no need for any more snake-makery." Mayor Lionheart speaks up.
"My name is Nick Wilde. This here's my friend from New York, Barry B. Benson." Nick greets them as he drinks from a flask.
"Hi, Barry." Everyone greets Barry.
"Hey." Barry greets nervously.
"I've seen enough of the universe to know that what we've got here is a Firebrand gargoyle from the Underworld. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math." Nick explains, pointing to the viewscreen showing the gargoyle. "This gargoyle won't go away until *burp* Earth shows them it's got a hit song."
"Seriously?! That's impossible!" Everyone began to clamor about what the gargoyle wants.
"You mean like Vivaldi?" Wolford asked.
"No, Frasier. A live performance of a newly-written, catchy, original song. The Firebrand feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms." Nick states.
"All right, all right. Thank you, Mr. Wilde." Mayor Lionheart thanked him. "Change of plan, people, Get me Gazelle, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan and The-Dream." No response from anyone. "The-Dream? He wrote "Umbrella" and "Single Ladies"? You people haven't heard of The-Dream?"
"You're gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51." Nick suggests.
"How do you know about that?" Wesker interrogates.
"For God's sake, Albert, the fox turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps." Lionheart argued.
"Sir! Gazelle, Newman, Corgan and that Dream guy. They're all dead." The Mayor's aide, Higgins, reported to him.
"What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?" Mayor Lionheart asked.
"There was an earthquake at the Emmys, sir, and all the musicians…" He explained, holding back a flood of tears. "All the famous ones, they're gone."
"Dear God." Lionheart whispered downheartedly.
"Hold on, sir, just a minute. A Transformer named Crosshairs survived. He's inbound on an F-15, ETA two hours." Higgins reports.
"Good luck, Mr. Mayor." Nick said.
"Sir, the magnetic poles are about to reverse. In two hours, there may not be an Earth to save." Wolford spoke up.
Nick opens a portal, about to leave. "Wilde! Are you a musician?" Lionheart asks.
"I dabble, Mr. Mayor." Nick replies.
"Get this fox and his bee friend on a Blackhawk to Area 51." Lionheart gives his commands.
Meanwhile, at the local church, everyone is in a panic. Church pastor Adam Flayman tries to quiet the chaos. "People! Everyone! Remain calm! Every crisis of faith is an opportunity for more faith! When God deals you an 11, you don't fold! You double down and always hit on a soft 16. That means you, Pines."
"I beg your pardon, Adam, but the last time I looked outside, it seems to be you that had been dealt the weak hand. Pines rule!" Stanley Pines cheered, but no response from the others. "Nobody? Ok, tough church."
It was then Duke Weaselton stood up. "Hi, Duke Weaselton. The name's real, mainly Zootopian. I'm just gonna come out and make this pitch. The old gods are dead. F*** all previous existing religions. All hail the one true god, the giant bat in the sky." Everyone reacts to Duke's statement. "Ah, di-di-di-di. Adam, Adam, I get it, but unless this…" Duke pulls out a cross necklace. "…can beat that… what have you done for me lately?" He tosses the necklace to Adam. "So if you'll excuse me, I'm going out on the sidewalk and dropping to my knees and pledging my eternal soul to the thing that literally controls the F***ing weather! Outta my way!" Duke walks out.
"Ok, if sanity's been restored to this assembly, I'd like to talk about the cost of repairing our new piano. Rachel, the plate, please." Adam said.
"Ohhhh, this is my favorite part!" Mole said, excitedly holding up a dollar.
In the skies of the desert, Nick and Barry are aboard a helicopter.
"Nick, are you really a musician?" Barry asked.
"Who's not a musician, Barry?" Nick replies.
"Me!"
"Yeah, not with that attitude."
"We're in the drop zone! I'm the jump master! The name's Fangmeyer! With an E-Y! Go, go, go!" Fangmeyer signals Nick to slide down the rope, which he does.
"B-b-but we don't have a song!" Barry argued.
Outside the church, Weaselton is seen on the sidewalk on his knees, appearing to pray to the gargoyle. "Giant bat in the sky, please forgive all that we've done. We're sorry for increased levels of emissions and our racism. And of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone.
At the Area 51 speaker system, Nick slides down the rope out of the helicopter with Barry flying close-by.
"WhooooOOOOAHHHH!" Nick and Barry shouts as they descend onto a stage with various live performance equipment on it. The Firebrand is in front of the stage staring. Nick picks up a microphone.
"All right, Barry, let's get ready to do it! Why don't you, uh, find a button on one of those keyboards and lay down some kind of beat?
"Rick, I think we need to cut our losses. We get our friends and portal out of here!" Barry suggested.
"Barry! Good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Barry! Gimme a beat!"
"Oh man, ok, all right, um…" Barry stammers before pressing a random key and a beat starts. Nick knocks over a mic stand and starts "singing"
Nick
Ahhhhh yeahhhhh
Ya gotta get foxy
Barry finds a tambourine and starts beating it in rhythm.
Ya gotta get foxy in here
It's time to get foxy
Mayor Lionheart and Wesker are watching the performance on a screen inside.
"Get… foxy? What the hell is that?" Albert asked.
"It's our world's best effort, that's what." Lionheart replies.
Take off your pants and your panties
S*** on the floor
Time to get foxy in here
I'm Mr. Bulldops
"Mr. Bulldops?" Wesker asked.
"Don't analyze it, Albert. It's working!" Lionheart glared.
Take a s*** on the floor
Time to get foxy in here
The weather begins to die down around the world. While at the church…
"And third-level donor get our all access family pass." Adam declared.
"Listen! The storm is stopping!" Judy noticed the storm slowing.
Back on the stage, Nick's song is near its finish.
Hey, take your pants off
It's foxy time today
(End song)
"Hmmmm." The Firebrand thought aloud while those at Area 51 waits in anticipation.
Back at the church, Weaselton continues to pray to the gargoyle. "Please be kind to us for we are but tiny thing with entire bodies stuck to your ground."
At the stage, the Firebrand gave its comment. "I LIKE WHAT YOU GOT. GOOD JOB." The gargoyle flies away. Everyone at Area 51 cheers and celebrates Nick's efforts while everyone at the church lifts Weaselton, knowing he was right.
"Now hold on a second, let's be rational about this." The churchgoers stop and stare at Vanessa. "No, I'm… I'm just saying, we don't know if there's a cause-effect relationship…" Before she could finish, another earthquake hits, causing Vanessa to fall on the ground.
"Oh, God, what's going on now?" Vanessa asked.
At the stage, Nick, Barry and Area 51 panic. The Earth is suddenly surrounded by an energy field and disappears. Earth reappears in another galaxy with four other planets, a disco ball-like sun, and several different-colored Firebrands looking at Earth.
"What the hell happened?" Mayor Lionheart asked.
"Mr. Mayor, you're gonna wanna see this." Higgins said, looking at the screen.
"I think planet Earth has just been transported." Nick deduced.
At the church, everyone sees what transpired. "The bat has left and sent its children!"
"Holy CRAP!" Vanessa gasps.
Everyone gets on their knees and began praying. "Oh dear giant bat, we apologize for that discussion! It will never happen again!" Judy prays to the Firebrand.
Back at Area 51…
"Sir, we've started picking up on a garbled signal. We're decrypting it now." Wolford stated as the screen gradually descrambles. The screen now shows different bands of different aliens on different stages. Dance music starts playing in the background as the Firebrand narrates.
"WE ASKED THEM TO SHOW US WHAT THEY GOT. AND THEY DID. NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH OF THEM HAS GOR THE MOST. 24 HOURS, FIVE PLANETS, FIVE SONGS. BUT IN THE END, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. PLANET MUSIC! All participation is involuntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ray.
"Uhh, it's probably a bad time to mention this, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead." Nick stated.
Well, that's the end of Act 1. Stay tuned for Act 2. Archer out!