To this day, Hikagaya Hachiman seeks to find the truth while secretly wishing not to

The truth.

She's the main reason why the solace of lies exists between humans.

Her, for whom you're genuinely longing for, yet at the same time being terrified of finding her by mistake.

Because you know she won't be on your side. Or maybe, it's better to say, she never was on anybody's side.

In front of her you're always alone, stripped down to the brittle bones, exposed to hers cold stare full of contempt. She knows. All the lies ever said, all the things withheld, pretended not to see; all the unattainable dreams and fallacies buried deeply in some remote and dusty corner of the mind.

Everything…

In that precise moment, you'll be wishing you've never met. And while running as further away possible, a loud laughter will incessantly ring in the void of the eternal night, knowing all the time that there's no real escape from her.

And then, you'll finally become aware of your own helplessness.

Because of that, you'll continue to genuinely avoid answers on undesired, unheard questions and for which you don't know a lie convincing enough.

x x x

That gently spraying drizzle from the morning, now had turned into a shower.

I've looked away from the book, more kept opened than read. It was one of those light novels where the plot was more than obvious, the protagonist an incurable, indecisive idiot and the humor forced and insipid. Oh, here it goes! He tripped and fell again on the currently on duty generic tsundere… Then he opened a door while she was changing and stood there like a wooden statue for an eternity until eventually, with a usual repertoire of loud shouts and countless insults, she did throw him out… Hmm… This is definitely a book that only Zaimokuza would zealously copy if he ever decided to write a romantic comedy.

I've imagined him pushing with an index finger his foggy glasses closer to the nose's root and then excreting a loudly huff: "Fumu! A pinnacle of creativity! Classical themes of romantic comedies sliced with a brisk, magical, satirical sword of levity! Pure archetypes, true to their source forms just fly over the empty heads of shallow masses! So, I've spent all yesterday on the Internet fighting against philistines that don't understand the whole plot's subversion in which, while the protagonist's parents are on an overseas business trip, he under a threat of blackmail by a mysterious girl with cat ears, after dropping from the clear, empty skies on his head, becomes a member of the Occult Club..."

I've shivered from imagining the look of his sweaty face while uttering all that empty nonsense. One day, probably, Zaimokuza will write a similar book. Meanwhile, if for some reason the standards of publishing fall even further that are now and it gets released, my only hope is he won't use an matter how good the illustrations are his hollow bullshit is something I don't want to read ever again, not even by mistake. And still, if I didn't, someone else wrote the original long ago. What if it receives an Anime adaptation? Will this, only to children, naive people and in commercials wonderful world be decorated by some new Disappointment of Nagato Yuki-chan?[1]

The rain's boom and rhythmical drumming on the windows ledge inundated the room the Service Club. Dark, turbid clouds covered the piece of sky visible through the glass now coated with droplets of water.

Yuigahama finally stopped fiddling with her phone and looked outside.

"Seems that it really started falling..."

"I agree, it appears that we have to wait until it subsides", Yukinoshita composedly answered, closed a book in a binding adorned with cat print and gently laid it down on the table in front of her. It was more than obvious how dear that book was for her.

What was written in it? Sometimes I was tempted to furtively open it and look inside in the moments she wasn't there or even asking her. Still, I felt like, maybe, stepping over some imaginary line that by no means should be crossed. Furthermore, what if it was that still unwritten Zaimokuza's book published under an alias and the only reason why Yukinoshita reads it's full of Bakenekos[2] and all the illustrations have cats in them? For crying out loud, Yukinoshita come to your senses! I know that you love cats but at least have some standards!

My face painfully contorted, like the other morning when Komachi topped again the sunny-side eggs with sliced raw cucumber. "If Onii-chan doesn't like eating cucumbers that much, maybe should made breakfast for himself." I can't believe that my sister is this cruel!"[3] Moreover, she doesn't think in the long run. After all, making my own breakfast would mean making something with raw cucumber for her and the other one without. All that additionally spent energy and time on two different portions! You'll be responsible if the Polar caps prematurely melted and the climate changes so much that it rains every day, the human civilization crumbles down and Zaimokuza's book gets finally published for! All of that because of those damn cucumbers! It's enough to say that Komachi wasn't impressed in the slightest by my inspired speech. Some people, simply put, are incapable of accepting the harsh truth. Anyway, why she suddenly started doing that? Most likely she's passing now through her rebellious phase. I understand, like a brother of wide apprehensions and considerations, but could at least the breakfast not suffer because of it.

In spite of being occupied by stupid thoughts, I've noticed through the rain's veil of noise that a conversation was missing in the background, so I glanced towards the girls. They were silently looking at me, frowning.

"Hikki, you're making a strange face, again. It gives me the willies when I look at it. Did you ate something bad?"

"If judged by his facial expressions, Hikigaya-kun must be eating something indescribable every day. Are you a bottom feeder like a catfish? I would recommend more fresh vegetables in your diet...", Yukinoshita added with a mocking smile.

Remembering the cucumbers, my face even more contorted. Damn, why don't continue reading Zaimokuza's masterpiece in peace!

"Just to inform you, my nutrition is balanced and varied. I eat even fresh vegetables… Under a condition that are not cucumbers..."

"Eeeh, Hikki you don't eat cucumbers?"

"You've never asked me. Not being picky, but if it is possible I'll avoid them... Besides that's pretty much unimportant. On the other hand, I do like pickles."

"Ah… You like pickles… No… I don't think it's unimportant...", Yuigahama made for a moment an uneasily face but then snap out of it and then added with a smile: "Maybe one day we'll share a lunch that I've made!"

"In your case, it's completely irrelevant whether they are or not", I've said some obviously ironic remembering hers culinary enchantments. I don't believe that the taste could be discerned among the charred remains. Every time when Yuigahama tries to cook one more proud farmer from Chiba will let a tear be for all their wasted efforts.

However, somewhere in a corner of the mind, it seemed to me that I've said or read something similar before.

Anticipating a flood of insults in my direction, I've looked towards Yuigahama. And yet she, slightly reddened in the face, muttered something to herself, from which I could make out a faint "he he", and then she suddenly sat up in her chair and earnestly announced:

"In that case, I'll try to learn to cook properly... Tried several times until now and I was told that it became somehow edible."

Yukinoshita sighed and worriedly looked at her. That sigh probably was a crop of memories. Or rather, traumas. Hang in there, Yukinoshita. In the name of civilization's survival and the well-being of proud farmers!

"I'm glad that you've rediscovered determination again. Even if you don't share it with others, cooking is, on it's own, an important skill."

"Aha", Yuigahama nodded energetically towards her and then turned towards me, hesitating for a moment.

"Hikki… What's you favorite dish?"

"Ramen. Especially Kotteri or the ones in Naritake. Noodles covered in a layer of fat, a strong taste of an indescribable heaven in the plate, a small oasis of happiness in the mediocrity filled wasteland of existence. That's food for gods."

"Uh… Naritake? Fat? Heaven? Oasis of happiness? Gods?", Yuigahama quickly repeated to herself intelligible words, while, in amazement, tilted her head at almost ninety degrees. Well, of course, I could imagine that she wasn't familiar with the sense of majesty of simplicity and normalcy, something that from ignorant, misguided souls is taken for granted.

Suddenly, a strong feeling of a bad omen permeated through me. A cold chill flowed down my back. In a moment of weakness, in my love and loyalty to ramen I've accidentally opened a Pandora's box.[4] If we continue with the conversation in this direction, it would mean playing with fire. Literally.

"Maybe, in your case, you should start first with pasta. Just don't forget avocado", I've tried preventing that kitchen catastrophe of epic proportions of ever coming close to my sanctuary. Imagining all those cruelly burnt noodles soullessly destroyed so she could learn how to cook, my heart simply ached from the intrinsic injustice of this world. Besides the total implosion of the Universe didn't look that far away. Compared to it, cucumbers every morning didn't look that bad. And Zaimokuza's still unwritten book! I'll read it back to back just like Yukinoshita and carry it every day with me! If needed, I'll cope even with that sacrifice!

"Pasta... Avocado? Why avocado? Hikki, I don't understand you at all… Are you sure you're alright?", Yuigahama puffed her cheeks in frustration and then looked at me worriedly.

Seems that, at least a little, she was detracted from her intentions. Although I knew she made a real effort in learning how to cook, still I didn't want to take any chances. Sorry Yuigahama! For all the hyperboles about the Universe collapsing. Rest assured that, it'll not disappear because of it… Maybe just ours tiny present one, floating aimlessly in this room now…

That moment I've remembered about a forgotten box of cookies in my bag. I quickly bent down and opened it. Yeah! They're here!

"Ah! I've brought a box of cookies. I completely forgot until now… Those are your favorite, chocolate chip ones. I've asked in the shop if they also had some avocado flavored at all, so we can try them out too but there weren't any. Seems that they aren't as popular as I thought they did."

Her face lit up, even though she devoured half of a pack earlier. And, of course, as usual, the last one was hers before disappearing forever in the jaws of the cookie-eating monster.

"Hehe. You've bought them, because you knew I like them… They're great. Thank you!"

Yuigahama bowed slightly and held her hand. Perplexed, I looked at the outstretched hand for a few moments. Finally snapping out of it, got up from my chair, walked up to her usual place wanting to pass the box holding it by one end, expecting that she'll take the other side. However, unexpectedly she grasped the middle. Lightly, I felt the touch of the soft, delicate skin of her fingers. Something like an electrical current spread through my body and I couldn't move. I looked up from the box to her happy, smiling face and finally, met her eyes. Unable to bear the splendor of that sight, I quickly turned my head to the side, coughed and let the box.

"I'm glad... you like them..."

For some reason, mu voice sounded terribly shrill. I imagined so the sounds these cookies made while in agony disappeared into the monster's jaws. "Ahhh! Help me! Help me! I've been eaten whole in one bite!", minuscule, barely audible cries of horror. Your sacrifice and invaluable role in the Universe's survival will never be forgotten! I suddenly felt a deep respect towards that pastry, was it hyperbole or not.

"Yeah… Yeah… I love… them", she stammered and nervously opened the box. After starting placing them on the plate, she asked me like she was trying to divert the topic:

"Hikki, why did you mention avocado again? I've never tried them out…"

I've scratched behind my ear.

"Dunno… Do girls, generally, like avocado?"

"Where did you hear that… You're really strange today", Yuigahama sighed, and then she remembered that Yukinoshita was silent the whole time.

"Yukinon, Hikki brought..."

"…..."

She sat motionless, gazing at her arms folded on her lap, looking quite fragile and translucent like a ghost. If by some case, instead of those turbid skies outside an evening sun shone outside maybe it's rays would come right through her.

"Yukinon, what's the matter? Are you alright? Maybe you don't like avocado? Are you allergic? Hikki, for some reason keeps mentioning it! Avocado this, avocado that!", Yuigahama sent one reproachful look at me.

"Is everything alright?", under the onslaught of her questions I also got worried about Yukinoshita.

That gaze of hers was known to me. Was it by some chance she learned that her much beloved book was written by Zaimokuza? I believe that shock of that realization would be huge. As when in later years you find out that your favorite animated series from childhood was only a cynical fraud to sell children plastic toys which would end up broken anyway by their younger sisters as soon as they're picked up. Komachi was very thorough in doing so and I could never put them together again. Then I would run to our parents crying and demanded to bring me new ones. Pops would just smile, and shrug his shoulders never saying anything. The next day he would, almost always, bring the wrong one – that my ruthless little sister with steel pincers instead of hands had already crushed a few weeks ago and not the one destroyed the day before.

"What… I apologize, but everything is fine… I'm just feeling a bit tired… Nothing else", finally Yukinoshita roused from her daze and then showed a small smile to Yuigahama.

"Oh… Should I make some tea along with the cookies while waiting for the rain to pass?", she started getting up but was prevented by Yuigahama who literally like from a catapult jumped nearby and laid hands on her shoulders.

"No, no, I'll do that! Have a good rest, I'll get you a blanket", she then tightly embraced her, pressed the forehead against hers to check if there's no temperature. Yukinoshita fidgeted a bit and then with a sigh "so stuffy" finally surrendered to the embrace.

In accordance with those motherly instincts and displays of affection of Yuigahama, I could imagine, if she ever becomes a mother, terribly spoiling her children. A whole bunch of rose cheeked kids tucked away in several layers of clothing from which only their heads stuck out rolling in front of her while yelling Yahallo! Yahallo! to random passerby and waving their hands in thick gloves. They'll become a major attraction in the neighborhood under a nickname The Yahallo family or The Yahallos. In any case, that unstoppable power of affection and care, as in a legend, turned the Snow Queen in a mountain lake. In any case, it seems that a Yuigahama caused Global Warming couldn't be avoided. Like that faulty heater recently, she raised the temperature of the surroundings, in an order of magnitude more noisy way, though.

Leaving on the side these stupid thoughts, in any case what kind of future Yuigahama would have? What are her hopes, what kind of dreams she has? I couldn't sincerely answer that question. And even if I knew, there is a huge difference between superficial aspirations and what would happen in the end. Maybe that's the reason why I'm not sure whether I really want to know them. Comparing your own and others' disappointments removes the last defense of an inflated ego – a strong conviction about the uniqueness of your own misery. And without that genuine, naive delusion you couldn't really be a loner.

A loner only likes to count his troubles; he doesn't calculate his happiness.[5]

Observing them so closely embraced, for some reason I felt thirsty, got up quickly approached the electric kettle in order to make tea. That moment I was met with their gazes. Yuigahama finally unstuck from Yukinoshita who finally could breathe normally.

"Ah, Hikki… I said I would do it…"

I shook my hand. Even my House Husband's magnificent reflexes on which I was immensely proud, should be finely tuned from time to time.

"Anyway, didn't you say something about bringing her a blanket?"

"Oh yeah, I've forgot it for a bit...", Yuigahama hurried towards the locker near the wall, opened the door and took a folded blanket from it.

Yukinoshita while having a look of slight discomfort on her face, wrung her hands.

"There's no need… I'm perfectly fine."

"There, there Yukinon. It's okay to depend on others...", said Yuigahama, hesitated for a moment and continued more softly: "Maybe sometimes… Not always...", and with a caring smile, gently deposited the unwrapped blanket on her lap.

"Thank you… I'm sorry for worrying you… And you too, Hikigaya-kun."

Preoccupied with making tea, I've turned after hearing my name.

A small, gentle smile even more than usually emphasized the beauty of her face, porcelain white skin like a doll, even more visible than usual in contrast with the background of the turbid, dark sky.

Her gaze seemed to me as if I had seen it somewhere before... Or was it from a book?

Faced with that magical scene, I wondered if these are those wonderful memories from youth which I'll take with myself the whole time until my breath stops? Like some old photo album of people that are no longer with us, that wouldn't be only the feeling of mere transience of everything but also what was hidden behind those forgotten faces – there hopes and dreams, delusions and lies in which they genuinely believed until they didn't know what the truth was. Something that, eventually, always became just an another empty excuse for the mere clatter of a machine for life. Yet an another list of things that has to be experienced before the inexorable end in order to have some justification every new morning for going to work like any suitable corporate slave.

It's not all that bad, I could continue to be dead inside, because, I guess, I once lived.

Having memories means having always ready comforting excuses in advance why those dreams are gone.

On the other side, the very existence of memories gives birth to futile nostalgia for the past. And then everybody has his own Shimamoto and at least one room with a view on a local cemetery.[6]

Yet, the future isn't something that one should think too much and expect who knows what.

"There's nothing to thank me for..."

Uttering a barely audible sigh, I shook myself out of, to put it mildly, futile thoughts and ended with the preparation of tea.

"Ah, Hikki… Tha… You've finished…"

Yuigahama came over and took two cups while I picked up the remaining, ie. mine and with it returned to my place and laid it on the table next to the book in which I lost interest faster than averagely tea used to cool off.

"Yukinon, here you go..."

"Thanks… I feel better already. There's no need to trouble yourself so much about me", Yukinoshita's voice seemed as if lost in the noise of the rain outside, which was still falling.

I picked up the book from the table and opened it where I left it off pulling out a receipt of a purchased bulk pack of eleven MAX COFFEE cans which I used instead of a bookmark and dropped it into my pocket. At least the illustrations aren't bad. Although the story is set in winter, for some reason the mysterious girl with cat ears wears a summer high school uniform. Perhaps the artist drew from memory of an another, better book he'd read in the past. I don't blame him at all.

Not at all.

x x x

After we finished drinking tea, the chatting have died down, and since then maybe ten minutes passed in silence. Of course, apart from to the sound of rain outside that, it seemed, had subsided a little.

Yuigahama continued fiddling with her dumb looking phone, while Yukinoshita covered by a blue blanket, went back to the book in a binder adorned with a cat print.

I've slowly and listlessly turned the pages, trying to guess what will be the next cliché used by the Zaimokuza's future "inspiration" in pushing forward the nebulous plot. Everything else was just a need to reach the word quota. I've asked myself whether onomatopoeia also counts? Something akin to an indescribable gurgle of impotent rage and misery. Like some awfully persistent headache, while being stuck in an overcrowded train due to a malfunction; drowning in a sea of people who, just like you, are going to work in the early morning.

"Arrrgghhh!" "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" "Gaaaaah!" "Urgghh!"

Ohoho, excellent. Four words closer to the given goal.

Now some adjectives should be added. A lot of adjectives. Never forget metaphors! For instance, you couldn't just say:"I'm in the kitchen cooking spaghetti when the woman calls".[7]

It should be something like:

„Under the infinite blue skies of late summer, enveloped in the surrounding hot air like a missing strangely named cat in an overgrown, derelict backyard, in a small ordinary house on the periphery, it's actual resident, a jobless man in his thirties current whereabouts were in the kitchen beside a gas cooker hastily preparing a pretty ordinary meal consisting of 200 grams of spaghetti and some sauce, for some reason without avocado; while the sound of boiling water in the pot was drown by the classical music coming from an FM radio accompanied by his not so skilled whistling of the heard melody; when that quite dull and, maybe, only to some highly self aware loners serene scene was interrupted by the sudden ringing of an unwanted, bizarre phone call made by some unknown human of the female gender which may or may not be a character that we'll meet in this or some other book later on."

That's way better. With sentences like these you could stretch even a short story into an entire novel. Yes, it's an endless landfill of superfluous words, but a whole novel, yahoo!

However, I can imagine the awful torments of the unfortunate editor in charge of repairing such scribblings. In the end, he'll be the one that, crushed by an unbearable, terrible headache from the early morning, in some overcrowded train stuck due to a malfunction, yells in a fit of despair: "Arrrgghhh!" "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" "Gaaaaah!" "Urgghh!"

Probably after a few minutes the whole train would scream together with him.

Who knows, that could become a tradition all over Japan and eventually turn into a holiday. Yelling from top of your lungs while watching the fireworks. And Munch's The Scream[8]sells as an official mascot. Hm… Most likely, I'd buy one for Komachi. Somehow, I'm under the impression that she would like it. "Ah, Onii-chan finally realized how Komachi feels while watching what are you doing with your life". Hey, Komachi! Why you can't accept a gift just with a younger sister's sweet smile of gratitude? I wouldn't go to that damn festival had it not been for you. As a loner I'm perfectly capable of screaming in my own solitude, thank you very much…

I paused for a moment.

This wasn't just an ordinary boredom of some empty rainy afternoon.

In my thoughts, where did I got lost again?

Is my current name Noboru Watanabe?[9] Am I a human or a cat? Or maybe both? A bakeneko? Meanwhile, if I did become one, I believe that Yukinoshita would treat me quite differently. Which, by no means, would be any less intimidating.

Lately, I had a tendency, even more than usual, of wandering off in my thoughts who knows where. Was I really just running away from what was right beside me?

I can't help the feeling that somewhere, in some dusty corner of my mind one small, rusty clock naively tries to deceive time with it's slower and slower rotating hands.

I looked away from, putting it mildly, stale book towards the room around me and then onto the windows. Through the panes was visible a piece of a dark sky; dissolved in thoseovercast, gloomy clouds and in the mist of the rain, the reality stood. That cold, heartless, cruel and gloomy everyday life where dreams and ideals face their inevitable end.

And what was inside, on this side of the glass? In this room? Is this my or someone's else dream? Or just an average story of some anonymous author? I've heard somewhere that one of the worst ways of finishing your own storytelling is to declare, as the climax of the plot, that it was all a dream; because everything that has happened until then gets erased as irrelevant. An easy exit out of the maze of a convoluted plot when you're cornered with the eternal question of every writer – what's next? After it everything becomes irrelevant… All the struggle, progress, every sacrifice, fault and consequence disappear with one stroke of a pen… But isn't every ending sufficiently meaningless? "They've lived happily ever after", "friendship", "to be continued", "everything is the same as before", this or that end girl, or maybe even the angel of love Totsuka himself, what does that all mean when there must be an end? What's the point of all of that? Is that why I so wanted something more; is that the source of all my illusions of meaning?

Some time ago, in this same room, someone said:"But it's considerably better than your plan to dry up, wither away and die…" It was a time when I honestly believed that this person never lies. Especially herself.

It was only after I learned about the extent of my delusions.

Idealism is only dreaming of a world where your biggest lie is the truth.

It's more than obvious to anyone who even remotely seriously think about it. But, then, why do we need that lie?

Maybe because existence is punishment?

Why's it so hard to find the truth?[10]

And if you ever find it, is that truth of yours also someone's else or perhaps universal?

Could that my possible final conclusion simultaneously be the one to which, for example,will arrive the two wonderful girls sitting next to me?

Whatever it is, even though I consistently claim it's pointless regretting about the past, I know that it'll exactly happen.

There's no use in denying or running away from something that is an integral part of you. If I didn't have those regrets about the past then I wouldn't be myself. Nor I would have been, just like the two of them, in this room, in this isolation ward. In my and their story or dream on this side of the glass.

We'd be in some cafe with a bunch of acquaintances behind these rain coated windows, there, under that darkly gray sky. In reality. Laughing loudly, while having a different kind of empty conversations. No... I'm wrong. At least them could be capable of doing so. Over time, Yukinoshita and Yuigahama would overcome their character flaws. By accepting them they'd understand the limits of their own capabilities. By letting goof that small part of their unrealizable dreams they could certainly fulfill the rest – which is still much more than complete, intact dreams of others. Certainly more than my own. Something as much as humanly possible. Therefore, they'd be respected and able to fit in as accomplished individuals. Their true light will be seen. Over time, someone who genuinely understands would show up, they'd walk beside them with heads held high; as equals carrying their shares of the common burdens of life and finally finding meaning... or happiness. They've truly deserve it. I still don't know if it can be called a happy end at all, but again, that's something as much as humanly possible.

As for myself, I'm not sure even then, in that hypothetical "what if" scenario.

Sometimes I wonder, like in some kind of recycled post-modernist metaphor, whether the cause of all this just my faulty Kokoro[11]? I should check on my phone the Amazon's e-mails about special offers on possible replacements. Please, I need a heavy-duty model that doesn't brake easily. What's the price? Let's see… All the high school acquaintances will forget you after a year as if you've never existed… I don't see what's the problem. It'll happen in my case anyway. All right! Seems reasonable. I'll order one together with a newest light novel. The cover looks great, some other cute girl with cat ears wearing a summer high school uniform. This time it'll probably be good… I'll pay everything with my ReLIFE debit card[12].

That reminded me. Next time if Hiratsuka Sensei sends one of those overly long e-mails, I'll just turn over that hypothetical Amazon's one instead of an answer. The only difference is that she'd probably, instead of a light novel, order some prehistoric volume of Shonen Jump with her new Kokoro. And she could finally get married. Sensei! I'm so happy for you! Especially because there will be no more of those damn emails of yours that simply scream with loneliness. At least, in the next year until both of us forget about each other.

Eh… Of course… None of that will happen. Illusions are illusions and reality is unforgiving. Apart of the future, you shouldn't place too much hope into progress neither, because it's essentially, only changing the world into a different kind of crap compared to the past. Undoubtedly, some things are better, however, coincidentally, some things are worse. Maybe it could be called an acceptable, slightly rotten compromise if the biggest problem wasn't there – the fact that everything else remained the same.

And so, just like that, my fantasizing about a modern Kokoro for the digital age went to hell. Even the Singularity[13] will probably blue screen more than our old Service Club's laptop. Until then, maybe Yuigahama could indeed learn where the reset button is. I just wonder why that old junk didn't broke when Irohasu pushed us into making that free newspaper? "I'm sorry Isshiki, but the Singularity doesn't feel well today. It became self aware. While searching for the meaning of it's own existence, it believes that reading any text not on par with Dostoyevsky or Soseki would be a waste of time. Can I go home now?" Then it wouldn't be my responsibility.

Who am I kidding, I'd probably still feel an obligation to do so was it my fault or not.

Faulty Kokoros are seriously messed up things. No warranties, no refunds.

But that's all I have, and it's genuinely mine. I have to fight with that realization until the end of my life, this dream or this story now, it doesn't matter. And if not for myself, then for them two.

I'm not worrying about Komachi. She understands me well enough to see through all my daydreams and lies I naively cherish somewhere inside.

Yukinoshita and Yuigahama still aren't capable.

The same goes for me towards them.

I once promised myself that I would never again push my ideals on others.

Despite everything that has happened over the last few months, am I still doing so?

Yet another barely audible sigh left my lips and got lost in a somewhat stale air of the Service Club's room. In the end, I was under the impression that all this thinking doesn't lead anywhere. Just an another useless sign of your own weakness.

"What ifs" would never float in the mind if we knew an honest answer to "What's next".

In that case, even having regrets doesn't really matter.

I've returned to the disappointing book, and flipped the page.

Could that question ever be genuinely answered?

What's next?

x x x

It seemed to me that the sound of the rain almost completely fell silent by then.

One of the loners' best qualities is killing time. I kill you before you kill me in the end. It could be said that loners have the best understanding of the essence of transience. Like some tacit agreement between old friends… or at least acquaintances.

For some reason, I slammed shut the book faster than usual. It surprised me bit how much strength I've done it.

That surprised Yuigahama a bit and a shadow of concern tinged her face. A dumb looking phone wasn't in her hands anymore. Hm, when she did put it aside? Was she watching me for a while?

"Hikki, what happened?"

Hearing her voice, I held my gaze on her. What is exactly behind her expression?

What you're thinking now Yuigahama? Exactly what feelings are hidden deep within you?

"…..."

Briefly confused, I went silent. As if bothered by the air in the room, I coughed to clear my throat, and then pointed toward the windows. Why was suddenly so stuffy in here?

"Ermm… I mean… It seems that the rain stopped..."

Yuigahama sort of looked in the direction I've pointed at, then turned towards me again and resumed the inquiring , crap. Stop that or I'll keep stuttering even more.

"…..."

Finally she spoke.

„Ah…I've noticed that for some time, but you were still reading. It seemed as if you are just immersed yourselves in your books...", she glanced towards Yukinoshita. "Didn't want to interrupt you..."

What's up now with this empty concern? It's not that we are the day before a test, preparing an entrance exam for some first-ranked universities. I know that books are incomprehensible, alien things for you but it's not that you couldn't,once stopped, just continue where you did left off.

"Yuigahama-san. Don't hesitate next time. Feel free to tell me, it's not that you can't resume with reading later on", Yukinoshita calmly replied while gently closing her book.

Yukinoshita, that's scary. Are you an esper[14]? Nah, it might be so if it wasn't just common sense. Although if the world was completely driven by those principles I wouldn't be reading this book now. Maybe, common sense isn't that common after all.

"But Yukinon, you've had such a serene expression. At times, even Hikki looked… how should I explain… hmmm… perhaps normal? Yes it is, normal", Yuigahama continued making excuses and then looked at vigorously nodded, as if to confirm reaching a very important conclusion.

Wait a minute… What's you mean by looking normal?Is that a praise or some new kind of insult? Does it mean that my normal me is abnormal for you? It would struck me if I wasn't the least bit bothered by the concept of normality. After all, those who didn't turn up crazy until now, are definitely not normal.

Yukinoshita lowered her head, confused for a moment. "I really don't know where did you got that impression… I was just reading a book. Nothing special...", and after placing her hand on her chin, like she was thinking about something, continued: "But that what you're saying about Hikigaya-kun is very unusual. Tell me Yuigahama-san, were his facial expressions even more indescribable than usual?"

Eh, Yukinoshita. I couldn't expect anything else from you.

"On the other side Yukinoshita-san your humorous remarks seem even more normal than usual. Is this the second time today that you mention something related to my face? Maybe you didn't updated on time your Excel tables with witty remarks for the artificial intelligence".

"Exer…what that means? Is it English? Exer… Exercise?, Yuigahama repeated in confusion. "What Hikki said… Yukinon did you started working out or doing sports? If so, you could give me a call so we can practice together. It's more fun that way".

Yukinoshita placed her hand on the temple like she was having a slight headache."That's completely wrong. It's a computer program for processing data and not a physical activity. Besides, you shouldn't believe to the Hikigerma 2.0 computer virus. Most likely that's some new Internet fraud".

That's better, a variation on the Hikigerma theme. A gold star for the effort! Hey, I just did it once until now. Albeit it would be better I never did it. But those possibilities are erased long ago on a broken hard disc of regrets from the past, Hikitachi[15]. What's this now?! Even I've started making stupid puns on expense of my name. Should I reinstall the Hachiman OS because the installation became corrupted somehow? Maybe I should try that one with penguins as the logo[16].

Yuigahama's face suddenly got a complex expression. "Ah… That's something related to computers… Maybe I should learn more about them and verify on time so it doesn't happen again...", she said and glanced towards me.

Oh. Seems that Yuigahama remembered. Thank you very much, Yukinorton[17]. Don't obliviously scan things from my past that I'm not proud off. In addition, your clumsy antivirus raises a lot of false alarms.

Recollecting all that, I looked to the side. At that moment I couldn't watch Yukinoshita nor Yuigahama in the eye. No matter how much you try to leave the past behind it's always there, as an inseparable part of us. What makes us and what we have now. And what is that "now"? Is it worth at all or not? Or it's just one ordinary transience of a rainy afternoon, to which, for reasons of not having too much else, we attach special importance?

I felt like not knowing anything else to say that didn't sound like repetition of our little rituals of meaningless conversations that ceaselessly, with small breaks, spun around since the three of us gathered in this room for the first time. What has largely been our everyday life here. However, it was not quite right to call them so, because, for some reason, I've never wanted to lose them. Perhaps because they seemed important to me they maybe were. Regardless of all my wishes for something better, something genuine if by any chance they've disappeared, their complete absence would make everything even more absurd.

Probably because of something I've suspected.

What if something genuine, whatever it is, means that we truly have nothing to say to each other except for formal declarations of nebulous needs for something better?

Is silence the only true conversation we could possibly have?

Even if you didn't say anything, would it reach?

Probably, not.

Gah! Nevertheless, the lack of any meaningful response, except speculation can be a very frustrating. Like waiting that your favorite light novel series gets a new volume after an uncertain end of the previous one. Source: Me.

To cover that suddenly opened void, maybe I should continue talking about anything.

"…..."

Despite this desire for us to re-spin in circles of those important to me small-talk about unimportant things, I couldn't do it. In my head, instead of any words only wasa dull, ominous emptiness.

"…..."

"…..."

"…..."

The conversation in the room faded to such an extent that I could hear their breathing. Then came a silent cough and finally Yukinoshita broke the uncomfortable silence.

"I don't doubt in you even the slightest, Yuigahama-san. To repeat what I've said before… I think you can accomplish many things if you just put an effort into it. I'm absolutely sure about that. Do you agree, Hikigaya-kun? Incidentally, I did not mean to offend you...", her last sentence sounded a bit different than the others.

Hearing my name, I instinctively turned my head in their direction. The glow in the eyes of the two girls, to put it mildly, looked indescribable to me now. Was it a mixture of expectations, confusion, self-doubt, regrets, accepting fate, rediscovered determination, hope, devotion, maybe even hints o fear of uncertainty what tomorrow will bring? I couldn't make out… Or was it just a reflection of my feelings in them?

But I realized one thing at least. Whatever those feelings were, Yukinoshita's question directed at me wasn't only about Yuigahama. I slowly got up and turned the chair around. I had a need to face them with my whole body. Mild creaking and clanking could be clearly heard in silence before I sat down again. Although I have so far repeatedly listened to the distinctive sound of school chairs scratching on the floor and stopped noticing it, this time it rung in my ears. Why did the rain have stopped? That noise could drown it out making it less noticeable.

Let's get over with it, again…

For now…

"Don't worry. I'm not offended. As you may have noticed by now, if it wasn't so I wouldn't be here long ago...", I paused for a bit and then straightened my back and glanced toward the gray, gloomy skies behind their faces.

"I'm not sure making an effort is just enough. I'm not sure that having at all, especially following your dreams is the right way. I'm not sure the truth is possible among humans. I'm not sure that spoken words could ever properly express feelings.

Despite all of that, I'm sure only about one thing: I sincerely wish that all of that I've said now were just my delusions.

For sincere answers you'll need to search for and find them alone, otherwise they aren't your own anymore. This applies not only to you Yuigahama, but also to you Yukinoshita. They'll probably be wrong like mine have been and will be in the future. However, I'll be here listening to them, helping you in continuing the search and possibly find some new and better ones by yourselves."

Maybe that's the only way my and their wishes could become real, whatever that meant and what in the end will be of us.

Why everything is so difficult? I could be at home now, laying on the sofa in the living room and play some visual novel with a happy end. And by happy I mean Totsuka end. Those are synonyms, aren't they?

As I saw off in my thoughts the Totsuka's smiling face which slowly faded in the background of the dark, turbid clouds outside like some unattainable dream, I looked back at them. Even though I did not fully believe what I said, I should at least dispel their possible doubts and confusion as a result of the false infinity of wrong decisions which stood as an obstacle on the road to nowhere and somewhere at the same time. Those small, pathetic misconceptions about the existence of meaning allow answers to be found, without them they'll never be sincerely searched for.

Leaving aside the end result, that sincerity makes all the difference in the world. However, is it good enough that the difference could ever be noticed?

"Hikki...", Yuigahama's face got a gentle expression. "You still can't do without throwing in a pessimistic thought… But I think I understand the gist of what you want to say… thank you".

I couldn't answer back and I just nodded in return. Earlier I'd thrown in some boastful remark about how it's not pessimism but realism, but perhaps, she is right now. After all, I admitted that I was wrong too this time.

"That goes for you to, Hikigaya-kun. Whenever you're wrong, we'll be here to scold you. I believe that every day there will be a lot work". A slight smile appeared across the Yukinoshita's face.

Eh, Yukinoshita. I couldn't expect anything else from you. But I think I understand the gist of what you want to say. Oh, wait. Yuigahama are you an esper too? Nah, it might be so if it wasn't just understanding the true meaning behind what's been said. Although if I was going along with the true meaning concealed by words, I wouldn't say many things so far. And I would definitely much less lie.

Aha, so that's how it looks like to them listening me talking. I felt a little bit apologetic.

"Thanks…. Err, I guess".

We fell silent for a couple of moments. Was this silence pleasant? Who knows, sometimes it's also alright.

"Ah… Yukinon, are okay now?, Yuigahama finally spoke.

"I'm completely fine. There was no need to worry about me".

"I know, but sometimes it's hard to avoid. It is not that easy to understand exactly how others feel. Sorry if it look like I'm sometimes a bit pushy".

Yukinoshita lowered her gaze to her hands resting on her lap still covered with a blue blanket.

"There's no need to apologize. Maybe I could be a little clearer about it".

"Yukinon..."

Looking at the two of them now, I wondered if their relationship changed a bit. Is it still slightly unhealthy like it was up to now? Ah, that's another question that will answer the future ahead of us. Until then, we'll keep correcting ourselves by replacing our present mistakes with different future ones.

I got up from my chair, stretched and looked at the wall clock.

"The rain had stopped and it's already late. Let's wrap it up for today. I don't believe that anyone will come anymore".

"Agreed", Yukinoshita began to fold the blue blanket which she was covered with until now, stood up, and return it to the locker.

For some reason, Yuigahama carefully folded the empty cardboard box of those cookies I brought for her and tuck it in her rucksack. I haven't carefully examined that box, it's probably some giveaway in question. Something like gather a hundred boxes and you'll receive a pink scrunchie as a reward. Or was it blue? Who knows.

As I put away the plates and cups, I've picked up my light novel from the table. Hm. Then I've remembered and reached into my pocket, where was receipt a purchased bulk pack of eleven MAX COFFEE cans which I used instead of a bookmark. But was this book even worth to mark where I stopped? Anyway, it doesn't really matter I've already started forgetting – just open it on wherever page and continue reading. I've looked again the cute girl with cat ears on the cover. Although the story is set in winter, for some reason she wears a summer high school uniform. Hm. At least the illustrations aren't bad. I threw the book into the bag next to the textbook in mathematics which didn't even have them and softly sighed.

Maybe being oblivious isn't such a bad thing.

"It's all done with cleaning up, let's go", Yuigahama announced loudly and opened the sliding door.

We went through it and found themselves in the chilly corridor. After Yukinoshita locked up, we continued walking slowly by the windows through which we were watched by the gray, gloomy skies outside. I knew it would soon be replaced by ones in spring, and then by a summer glow of endless blue. But again, it doesn't mean that the feelings caused by the other would be any better. People bind meaning of the things around them with memories, maybe someone likes rain because something nice happened on some rainy day and others are fascinated by a starry one because it reminds them of childhood and the naive fascination with the beauty of the world they've felt then.

Because of that, will this gloomy sky be better than some else in the future?

Whatever it is, and whatever we see in it as a reflection of our desires and delusions we'll have to continue walking bellow it until our breath stops.

Finally we arrived in relative silence to the place at the school entrance we usually split up. Yuigahama occasionally asked something irrelevant Yukinoshita, and she responded in short sentences.

We stopped and I turned to the two of them.

"Well, see ya tomorrow".

"See ya, Hikki", Yuigahama waved her hand energetically.

"Good bye, Hikigaya-kun", said softly Yukinoshita with her head slightly lowered to the scarf wrapped around her neck.

I hesitated for a moment. I finally turned my back on them and started walking again towards the bike parking area.

x x x

The lights from street lamps and house windows were spilling over in moist air of the chilly evening. Similarly to them, thoughts in my head looked blurry like several of them simultaneously assembled into something indefinite and unrecognizable.

The bicycle's wheels were turning, raising with a sound the water droplets from the wet asphalt. Because of it, I went a little slower than usual.

Lately, I often had the feeling of us still spinning around in circles.

Yet, is it possible to simultaneously move forward on those circumferences of futility?

There are various types of wheels, some were convicted of running in place. Like Ferris ones they spin because their meaning isn't in travel but in the illusion of movement. On the other side, the wheels of this bike allow you to arrive somewhere else, towards some destination. But that destination can also be an illusion of movement. Yes the horizon in the distance looks different and the sky is tinged in a different color, however deep inside, it feel slike you saw something similar before.

No matter which ones they are, all of them have one thing in common. Someday they'll stop. And when that happens, you'll look back and wonder whether you arrived where you wanted before the spinning begun.

Then, is there a meaning in genuinely answering that question?

What's next?

[1] – The Disappearance of Nagato Yuki-chan – not completely fair, 4 episodes were good, I guess. From the rest of 12 there is maybe another 4 buried somewhere, though.

[2] – Bakeneko a cat yōkai that can shapeshift into humans among other things

[3] – The usual OreImo reference/ pun

[4] – The well known myth trying to explain why evil exist in the world involving a box and curiosity. However the gods that punished humanity included also hope as a bonus for dealing with all that crap.

[5] - "A man only likes to count his troubles; he doesn't calculate his happiness" - Dostoyevsky – Notes from the Underground

[6] – Haruki Murakami – South of the Border, West of the Sun an another book dealing with regrets from the past as a central theme

[7] – The first sentence of the Haruki Murakami's story The wind-up bird and Tuesday's women from the book The Elephant Vanishes.

[8] – The famous painting by the Norwegian painter Edvard Munch.

[9]– A recurring name from The Elephant Vanishes

[10] – Existence is Punishment. A song by a sludge band Crowbar. WTF Crowbar?! Well check out the lyrics if you don't like the genre or the band.

[11] – Natsume Soseki's Kokoro mentioned in 4th volume – deals with ideals vs reality, trust, changing epochs and maybe to a certain extent what Watari mentioned - enclosed happiness. Also marriage is an important part of the plot for Sensei (the running gag of Sensei couldn't get married is maybe a nod to it but that's my speculation)

[12] – ReLIFE chapter 86 a commercial at the end. Did I mentioned that Hishiro is cute? Anyway a very good web manga check it out about second chances, regrets, friendship, transiency, helping others; with some dark undertones too.

[13] – The Singularity or the Technological Singularity – a concept that in the future the AI will reach and surpass us as humans.

[14] – or ESPer in fiction an individual capable of telepathy and other paranormal things whatever the plot demands

[15] – a pun on Hitachi - a company that made hard discs in the past

[16] – Linux has a penguin as a logo

[17] – pun on Norton antivirus